Regrets about being estranged from people..

Smilless and red headed I too in the club of no big row it happened after I read a text that wasn't meant for me.

To this day I have t talked about it to ed and doubt ever will now,

We did row and had a volatile Relationship but we liked each other dearly and were very close if that makes sense given ups and downs but since she became mum I felt we had grown closer and no rows, how wrong I was,?

Meant to say loved not liked?If I have any regrets as title of thread it was not ignoring the text and also after we were cut off I should t have kept writing and sending cards etc I tried too hard I think but it is what it is,

Thank you for your kind words it was a complete shock. We've known about it for a few weeks but it's becoming real now as chemo starts next week.

I just want to shake her tbh. Tell her what she's missing out on and to just show an ounce of compassion for the pain she has caused. A sorry! That's it, just something. She ignores DHs birthday and the childrens. That hurts.

From my point of view, without sounding like a complete bitch, its like she has no common sense.

If your child is hurt because of something you've done, you try and fix it. She didn't, it's like she's didn't care. She minimised it, spun it back and somehow blamed us. Its mind numbing.
But she also has form for cutting people out. She cant accept blame. Relationships are 50/50 but with her it was 90% us and 10% her and I'm taking a guess that's what happened with others.

It's like people are disposable? If that makes sense. If you've hurt someone, you say sorry. That's what it boils too but she doesn't. She cuts her losses and moves on.

I'm rambling now too

Not rambling at Redheaded it is sad

When something like your parent seriously ill it make you realise life too short

I still send birthday cards t ed guess I don't want t admit it's over

Goes deeper in our case as ed cut out entire family and we had absolutely no idea what we supposed to have done but it seems s I law wants cut her off from everyone

You have answered your own dilemma Redheadedmommy. She has hurt your family and you are understandably livid!

Leave her to it, draw a line and concentrate on the grandparent that matters.

Celebgran it is a different scenario here. You have tried and failed, this other woman hasn't tried at all.

RedheadedMommy, I am so sorry for all that you are going through - and will go through - with your parent. You will require all your strength in the coming weeks to support those who have always been there for you. Consequently, the last thing you and your family need is to even be thinking about someone who has brought you nothing but pain. Put all those thoughts in a metaphorical box and lock it away. If you feel the need in the future, you can always open it and review how you and your family feel then.

Thinking of you and yours.x.

Thanks pollen gran yes guess I have tried everything I can and failed?IT IS horrid thing to accept a daughter you love with all your heart no longer wants you.

However luckylegs and countless others have same sad sad thing and just have to focus on good stuff I do have ?

Sounds odd but in a way its better when a child has cut out the whole family because then you know its not you that the child has a problem with.

No I guess not mumsy but is woryying then as why would they do that? Are they being controlled or brain washed?

Im as puzzled as you celebgran on that one, I dont think we will never know the answer. It does come across as the child is punishing the whole family by ignoring them but surely they must be hurting to or have they no feelings?! They are the ones missing out on family occasions and on their own. The mind boggles!

You have a point there Mumsy it can make it difficult if your child remains in contact with a family member. Our ES only has contact with his brother and his wife and from what I can gather it isn't on a regular basis.

We are of course pleased that they've maintained their relationship but it can be awkward, for eg. when we went to visit DS and d.i.l. for Christmas and New Year they had photo's of our ES and GC which we didn't want to see. DS put them away bless him and I'm just hoping that what with our move and other significant changes so far this year, that if there are any photo's this time, we wont be bothered by them, or perhaps they'll think to put any away before we arrive.

Seeing pics of our GC getting such a big boy and getting what would be our first proper look at our other GC is probably best avoided.

Oh hell Smilelss the pain goes on doesn't it?

I feel in bits today what with CB therapy going through intake and our ds saying he wrote note to Estranged d asking how she was and telling her of his dad's tests and to get In touch seems like she is ignoring it.

Really wish he hadn't written and told her about his dad it just makes it worse that she can Be so uncaring,

Oh Smilless how distressing to see pictures of little grandsons at your n s

At least ed is not in touch with anyone that we are aware of.

there is a positive side on your son letting your daughter know about their dad at least your daughter cant have a go because no one told her. I do think that some kids cant cope when their parents are ill and bury their head in the sand.

Thanks mumsy u could be right

Yes. you're right Mumsy about burying heads in the sand. When we were in Aus. a couple of years ago and Mr. S. spent the day in hospital with a suspected heart attack, like Celeb, I'd have preferred it if DS hadn't contacted his brother.

For Mr. S., knowing that our ES knew about the scare but made no attempt to contact him, even just to say he was pleased all was well, was devastating. I think that was the first time Mr. S. ever allowed himself to entertain the possibility that his son just didn't care about him anymore.

psychologists say that people bury their heads in the sand because they feel guilty when confronted with reality, the ‘ostrich problem’ - ignoring information that can help us - arises because of the need to avoid negative feelings.

Sorry for the late reply and thank you for all the nice words about my parent. Being strong is hard! We are getting there slowly, the shock has gone and we are 'fighting' mode now.

Someone mentioned letters a few pages back, we did get emails and voicemails from her. Instead of trying to offer olive branches it just read how bad it was for HER, how she can't believe he's treating HER like this, how spiteful and selfish HE is, how heartbroken SHE is and of course making sly remarks about me.
DH ignored a few but then relplied stating what we'd said before, plus standing up for me, then we'd get FIL replying how awful the email was to MIL and he's broken her heart and upset she is.

But completely ignoring the 1st email that she had sent him which was far from pleasent, if he replied to it then he's the bad one. But if he ignored it, he's still the bad one. There was nothing he could say. He told them how he felt, that was ignored.

So in the end he just ignored them all, then that's when she started contacting me and dragging the children into it.

The more i type the more I can see why he wants to ignore it all for now. No one is strong enough right now to deal with her games.

So true Redheadedmommy, it doesnt matter what we do we are always in the wrong! It all boils down in the end where we have to do whats right for us, theres only so much battering we can take.

Exactly! Why bother? He couldn't win whatever he did.

Its like being on a never ending roller coaster ride!

Just a little update. My sister got in touch after my letter and we are meeting next week. After talking on the phone I wondered why I had reached out, but I will see it through. Estrangements are sad, but sometimes family just don't like each other. I will probably keep it to a cup of coffee, but at least she will know that we are here in an emergency.
When I read this thread and someone said that those who label others toxic usually have family behind them, that fitted with my situation. I have followed on with that thought, but to be honest I am not looking forward to this meeting at all.

Pollengran, Im so pleased youve heard back from your sister and have arranged a meet up for next week, yes you will feel uncomfortable its only natural, lets hope it starts rebuilding a relationship for you. Dont dwell on the past move forward I wish you well.

Ive tried reaching out to my daughters but all I get back is abuse from one and the other negative comments all aimed at me.

Thanks Mumsy. I am taking my GD with me as my sister has never met her and I am hoping she will help to break the ice.
She is still playing the victim though and it is up to me to move forward as you say and not get caught up in her version of the past. Maybe I should just agree with everything she says .
I wish your daughters would be good to you as you come across as a very nice person.
I will update after the meeting next week. Fingers crossed.

oh let her play the victim Pollengran, if she brings things up from the past just say theres no point and that you should look forward now. thankyou yes I am nice, too nice for my own good!

Question

Is it ever possible to re establish a relationship when there is absolutely no trust as a result of the other persons persistent lies?

Being estranged from my son's partner is no bad thing for DH and me as it means our lives are no longer disrupted by false accusations and verbal outbursts. However, I feel for my son. It's such a strain on him maintaining a relationship with his partner and being responsible for ensuring we see DGS. He has rowed with her over her behaviour but she bats away even the slightest suggestion of any wrong doing on her part.

His partner and DGS are away for a few days at her parents so DS visited alone last night - he always has DGS with him when he visits - and we could see the difference in him, he looked relaxed, happy and 10 years younger. I'm sure that's because, for a few days at least, he doesn't have to contend with the ever present elephant in the room of the estrangement of his partner from us. He told us that he sometimes mentions us to her and that he 'doesn't care anymore' what she thinks. I find this very worrying and it makes me feel guilty that I have made no effort whatsoever to re establish a relationship with his partner. She was the one who estranged herself after sending a vitriolic insulting email.

That brings me to my original question - is it ever possible to move forward when you've been bullied, shouted at and accused of things you'd never even dream of doing? How can you trust someone again?