Regrets about being estranged from people..

It is but I understand completely morethan' ..hang on to the fact that live has been easier without them.

Perhaps the cousins could contact each other via Facebook? Just a thought

Life!

I know somtimes one word says it all Anya thanks. Perhaps the children will make some sort of contact in the future who knows (shrug emotion)

Madamecholet
I have not referred to you as 'nasty' - let's be clear on that.

It's was your comments to Rhinestone about her family that were nasty.

What sort of reaction did you expect to provoke?

Pollengran. I don't need your advice regarding which thread to post on. My mum estranged herself from all my grandparents when I was very young resulting in me never seeing them (I didn't know where they lived) and it has troubled me. She frequently cut people out of her life as and when she felt like it. I was very distressed in 2014 when I discovered my paternal grandfather had died alone living not far from DH's family home the same year I married him. I was my grandads only grandchild.

The thread you refer to is used as a support thread by posters who been cut out of their adult children's lives.

Hope that clarifies everything ladies. Like Rhinestone I will also be leaving this thread now.

Indeed sometimes one word just says it all.....even if just that one word was deleted by GN

That was in reply to morethan

I honestly have no idea.

See there wasn't any argument or a big row. We just said 'no' as I'd had a difficult time at the end of the pregnancy we was unable to do everything that was expected.

Usually we would of done it then me and DH would of argued later on. But we didn't this time (because of the councilling we had) we just said 'no we can't do XYZ right now as things are abit difficult' That's when it erupted.

So it wasn't a topic to avoid we just couldn't met her expections if that makes sense? She's acting like the injured party because we didn't do what she wanted and we feel like the injured party because she wanted us to put her above everything.

DH tried to meet in the middle on a few occasions and that's when it got worse. Before he would do everything to make it easier for her while we struggled but it was a case of we couldn't carry on the way we was as we had changes like DD starting school, newborn, his new job etc

That's when the lies started being spread, FIL texting etc. DH explained to both of them but it was ignored.

If he decides to make contact, we are worried they will want to go back like it was and circumstances have changed a lot now and we will struggle even more to meet her expectations.

I think if there is any chance of a reconciliation to take that chance, even if you are feel you are the injured party and its not up to you to make that first move. It takes a lot of guts to do that, if it doesn't work, just your pride will have been hurt but you will have tried everything. I did that and was knocked back and yes it did hurt, but I could have not tried as it meant so much to me.

Fairydoll thanks for pointing out you didn’t that say I am nasty, but rather that my comments were nasty. Either way, it is hardly reasoned argument, just a judgement - and I find it odd that you would split hairs like that when you said at 22.59 yesterday “why do we have to get into the minutiae”?

It’s good to see the thread getting back on track and hopefully we can now continue to express our different views without disruption.

When I write something on this site its done with a genuine feeling that it might be useful and I expect others to comment.

I'm not really bothered what they say, I've said my bit.

Take the word "Minutiae", Gawd knows what that means, but google does.

I learn so much from just sitting here for 3 to 4 hours in the morning that I will always be thank full. I also know that theirs a lot of grief out their, and after reading what you lot have to put up with, I'm really more lucky than I thought.

I've said to DH that if he wants to/when he feels ready then I'll support him but right now in his mind there's no chance.

I've said this before, but when it was targeted at me he was pissed but I'm a big girl. But when she couldn't get a rise from either of us she moved onto our children. That's when he bit back. That's why he hasn't tried to 'fix' it I think.

She'd already let DD down numerous times before all of this. So we have to factor that she's old enough now to understand and there's 2 of them now. It's my biggest fear that we let her back in and hurts them all over again. Even worse we let it happen.

morethan, I agree with Anya that you should keep in mind that life has been easier without them. Estrangements often seem to happen when a parent dies. It is a time when emotions are running very high and also the parents are sometimes the glue that keeps the siblings together and, once they have gone, the siblings find they are happier going their separate ways. Of course, it is sad that cousins get caught in the middle out of a sense of loyalty to their parents, but, in my experience, they often do re-connect later on.

Redheadedmommy, it's difficult isn't it? I often have to remind myself of how hectic life used to be when the children were young if my lot are dashing here there and everywhere without me. i didn't always have the time to give GPs the attention they wanted, but compromises were made and they understood.

Your situation sounds solvable, and now that the children are older you could maybe explain that Gran can be difficult at times, but that's just how she is and she loves them really.

I would talk to your husband and see if this estrangement could be fixed this time.

Morethan, I agree with the others, but maybe encourage the cousins to contact each other. If the young ones do it, the grown ups might do it too.

There have been several posts talking about how estrangement can affect an entire family and I was wondering if anyone who is, or has been estranged has tried to explain to a family member deeply affected, why they've decided to let go and move on; why they've said 'goodbye'.

I said goodbye to our ES last Sunday via email and I know our DS is going to want to talk to me about it. I needed to walk away for my own sake as having spent 4 years hoping and praying that something would change has been fruitless, and has not been good for mine or Mr. S.'s physical or emotional health.

How do I try and explain without coming across at best as selfish and at worst heartless? How do I make him understand that saying goodbye doesn't mean I don't love his brother any more?

It's been so awful for him, seeing his family quite literally falling apart and knowing that he is the only family member his brother now has any contact with.

We will regret our estrangement and our inability to 'fix' it for the rest of our lives but I don't regret saying goodbye; how open and honest should I be?

Problem is with that is being open will open old wounds, I tried being open with my older daughter face to face but she was so blinkered it was a complete waste of time. We have never actually said goodbye we just dont communicate as it always ends in a row! even the emails get heated, the last email I sent I explained how I was feeling and never got a reply, just about says it all really.

You have to accept the relationship cant be fixed, until then you will never move on.

I was just honest. When I told my son what I was going to do, I said that despite all appeals I was met by no response. That the years had taken its toll and some times I felt as if I couldn't go on. I had to have some sort of closure as I was constantly on egg shells. I saidI didn't want it to affect his life. I would never stop loving her but from then on the ball was firmly in her court. Lies always catch you out and you need a good memory. Things will never be the same anymore, what I could never come to terms with how could anyone do it and despite pleadings to talk things over say they don't care and are not interested.

Luckylegs, your not alone and to be honest none of us can understand why.

Smileless I think it might be best to keep it a simple as possible. You don't want to have to go over all the things that have happened to justify your decision. Your DS knows it all already. It's more important to explain the reason for making your decision now i.e. the toll on your and your DH's health, the effect on your ability to enjoy life - and there being no end in sight. Reassure him you still love them both, but you can't carry on this way any longer. He may be your child, but your DS will have to be an adult now and accept your decision.

Thank you Wilma. Mr. S. was out yesterday so when DS and I skyped it was just to 2 of us and we talked for 2 hours. He knew about recent correspondence between Mr. S. and ES but not that I'd emailed him last Sunday.

I've only just seen your post but did do what you suggested. I didn't want to spend time going over what's already been said so many times now. I told him that his brother has our email address, that we're only going to be half an hours drive away and that because of him (DS), he'll always know where we are.

It's so hard for him. Like all of us, he never expected the estrangement to go on for so long and still believes that one day everything will be sorted. I know he's upset that we've taken the decision to move because he thought while we lived so just down the road, there was more chance that things would improve.

He's being very supportive bless him and understands our need to move, and understood my need to say goodbye. It's nearly the end of a very painful chapter in our lives and shortly we'll be in our new house and a new chapter will begin.

No one knows what lies ahead, and sometimes I think that's just as well, how would we cope with the present if we knew such pain was waiting for us in the future. I very much doubt our ES will be a part of the chapters we still have to come and TBH I think I'd prefer it now, if he wasn't.

I didn't say so to DS, I just said 'never say never'.

Smileless

Sorry for the late reply! 6 weeks holidays are in full swing.

One of my parents is seriously ill, starts treatment in a few weeks so its been a rollercoaster of emotions for me right now. Im numb. Which is how it got me thinking about MIL.

Spoke to DH about it a couple of nights ago but he still doesn't want to make contact. He said he found out that she is still saying horrible things about us I didn't know any of this.

Its upsetting. I don't understand how she can still be acting like that but expects us to let her back into our lives and in the childrens lives.

Im going to remember all the advice and tips on talking to my children just incase things change in the future. Right now I need to detach myself from her and what she's saying as I need to focus on my parents and my children as it's going to be a hard few months for everyone. Thank you again.

Smilless glad you had good Skype with you son. I too Skye's our son on Sunday ? The sound seemed clearer than FaceTime

I have quickly scan ed this thread seems shame posts been deleted so guess it is not very harmonious

Interesting but sad to read so many estrangement s.

I would give anything to talk to my ed but I guess as lucky legs said I did something wrong, however none of us are perfect and it is pretty harsh to cut a parent off,entirely likewise little grankids.

However I try to accept it now and focus on what we do have.

I think in my heart I have give. Up hope of any reconciliation now but who knows, and 7 years have changed us all things can't. Ever go back,

Redheadedmommy, I agree that under the circumstances you should leave it for now. With your parent being ill you need to concentrate on that. If she is still saying horrible things, it could be that the longer she has been left alone, the more it hurts her and she's lashing out. Making up is so hard! Do you know, that card for my sister is still sitting on the hall table.
I have spoken to other relatives and they say I should send it, THEN they drag up things she said and did, and that leaves me unsure again. I don't know what to do myself, so I shouldn't be giving out any advice. Just ignore me .

I'm so sorry one of your parents is seriously ill RedheadedMommy it's hardly surprising that you feel numb. I hope the treatment goes well.

Thanks Celebit was lovely to have such a long chat. I miss him terribly and the estrangement from his brother makes him being so far away all the more difficult.

I said a similar thing to DS on Sunday Luckylegs. When someone refuses to interact with you there's just nothing you can do. When you said "there wasn't any argument or a big row" RedheadedMommy that really resonated with me because there wasn't with us either. It just doesn't make any sense and I doubt it ever will.

Red headed mommy I too sorrt about your parent being so Ill.

If your dh not keen on making move maybe best leave until you not under so much pressure,

My estrangement occurred shortly after my beloved f I law died and I know this was devastating for my ed being her only known grandparent likewise for me as he was a surrogate dad for me, but if do think there was a connection.

However I don't really like keeps analysing it doesn't change things.