Sibling issues - at my age !

Lostmyglassesxxx, try another conference call or make a date for you all to be in one place together. List all of the problems and then coolly ask 'who is going to do what for mother?'

The only way you have the issues addressed is if they are listed, noted and acted on. Otherwise everyone will be quite content for you to do everything. I know, I've been there and done that!

You'll have the moral high-ground but on dark nights that may not be quite enough..... It will be consolation when this is all over but I am still cross with my sister and it is many years since our mother passed away! Stupid, I know but please do try and have your family accept some of their responsibilities (I bet that they'll accept proceeds of the Will!).

You are doing a sterling job ...with, it would seem, little help from your siblings ! In the case of my husband, all the care of his mother fell to his widowed sister who had three children, all grown up. He used to send money to his sister and his mum for little luxuries ..and we visited from Spain once a year ...and he paid for his sister to bring his mother over every year for a holiday, when he took her out and about ..she loved the island, and so we suggested she might come and live with us (we had enough room) but she chose to stay in her flat in London, as she said she would miss looking at everyone in the street, and watching the children playing (a busy South London street) .....my husband was her favourite, but sadly when she died suddenly, he was in hospital having a knee replacement, so unable to go to London for the funeral. His daughter was staying with us at the time so I went to London for the funeral. I stayed in a hotel as one of his other sisters came over from Canada, and his other sister and his brother were also staying ....when I went to see them, to ask about funeral arrangements, they said they 'would let me know' ...and that she really wanted my husband to visit her in hospital before she died. They never told me when the funeral was, or where ...so I was unable to go ...I tried to phone everyone I knew to find out, but because of confidentiality no one could tell me . Result, his brother was appointed Executor of her will, and as she had just written 'my children' in her Will, they decided to exclude my husband as he never went to see her immediately before she died ! The Will has nothing to do with it, as she had nothing to leave, bless her ....but there were some precious photos of my husband meeting the Queen and various other small things he would have liked back (he had lent them to his mother as she asked for them to show her friends !) .....now, sadly, none of them speaks to him...

In my case, my dear dad turned down the offer of an ensuite room and small lounge in the big house I had in Essex, before I moved ...as he said 'she (my daughter who was only 4 then !) ...talks too much'.....so he got himself a retirement flat which was quite a way from me, and I visited him whenever I could and my brother went down from Newcastle to see him whenever he could ....he loved being on his own, although I worried about him ...fortunately, apart from emphysymia he was quite healthy and able to get about until the end, which was very quick ......he refused to see the doctor, so I called him from where I lived, and the doctor went but my dad refused to let him in !! Then he pulled the emergency cord in his flat one night, was taken to hospital, who rang me to tell me, I even managed, luckily, to speak to him ...he sounded ok but the next morning early he died .....before I was able to get to Ipswich, so I was very sad about that as I did love my dad, and still do, of course ! My mother was different ...always (my dad told me after she died at the age of 64 from breast cancer) said she never wanted me anyway !! I was on honeymoon when she died and so did not get to the funeral as no one told me until I got back !

My brother and I get on well, and as my job in the NHS only allowed me a few days off to sort things out, I did all that I could in the way of paperwork, phone calls, etc etc and then my brother took leave from his job and went down to sort out the flat. We each had the little things we wanted to remember my dad by ....and there was no argument over what he left, or to whom ....everything was split equally between us (I remember my dad saying, when he sold the family home to go into the flat ...I have put the money away for you and your brother) ....we both told him to spend it and enjoy his life !

It is unfortunate when siblings fall out, and make it difficult for you all. I wonder how they will cope with your mother when you are not there ? I hope your mother doesn't tell them you have abandoned her (which is not true, but some elderly people tend to do this to make it look worse than just going on holiday !) and I hope your siblings are able to cope whilst you are not there. If, when you return, things have gone smoothly and your mother is happy, you could ask her directly if she enjoyed seeing her other children, and if she would like to see more of them ...and if so, perhaps SHE and not you, could ask them to visit more often or do little things like shopping, house maintenance, etc ? Might have a better effect on them than you asking

Whatever happens, you are doing your best in difficult circumstance so you can be proud of that ! Enjoy your holiday ......you can ask your siblings to keep in touch if they would be willing to, or if you want them to, during your holiday ! Your husband is right in what he says ...but does he have elderly parents too ? ps sorry this is such a long diatribe !

Joint and several power of attorney for finance only but nobody wants to do anything with it

My partners brother took their dead fathers washing machine away in his car after the funeral and nobody saw him again !
That kind of says it all really !
Happy days !

Sorry Violette for your situation But Thankyou for your comments
That's awfully sad
You can't make people be what they aren't or do what they don't want to ..flesh and blood does not necessarily bake a good cake !? Very bad analogy but you get my drift !

Thanks Candelle- tried lists. Don't get a response except I am being bossy and we all do what we do in our own way ..which is not a great deal really ?

Oh God! Issues over care of elderly parents! Tell me about it! It has affected the relationships of everyone I know who has had this responsibility including mine.

The old joke-

"We had a family meeting about my elderly dad the other day. All he does is stare through the window. I want to let him in but my brother and sister don't want to"

The worry is it will be me one day and not sure who I can rely on
I have a friend who has a plan that all like minded friends club together to buy a property and end our days in glorious decadence with nurses and carers and cocktails
But you have to do it before you lose the plot and your memory !

This is such a common problem, I do feel for you. It was the same for me. I did almost everything, but in all honesty out of a sense of duty as I'd never been close to my mum. My brother, the apple of her eye, did very little & only showed interest when money came into the equation. Now she's gone we are barely in contact with each other. Just the odd facebook message. I expected that, but it still makes me sad. But as others have said, your conscience will be clear. And so is mine x

My goodness I sympathise with your predicament. Like so many others have said, just carry on the good work and forget about them.

Many years ago I was the one looking after my Mum. My brother lived in New York and my sister 400 miles away. Both were keen to offer "helpful advice" on the phone and in letters, but it all fell to me, so I largely just got on with it. I have never regretted it.

This is all so reminiscent of my parents lives and deaths. I'm the youngest of 3, the only girl and of course I was the one to take all the responsibility. After dad died, it became obvious that he'd been covering up how bad her dementia had got. We lived twenty miles away and I worked but I was the shopper, cooker, cleaner etc.

After being admitted to a dementia ward during one of our occasional weeks holidays, she went into EMI homes (found and vetted by me) but near where one brother lived. He never visited! He'd call in on the way home from work occasionally, see that she was having her tea and leave quite satisfied she was ok, when she didn't even know he'd been!

Ultimately fed up of it all, I moved her near me where we could see her every day and give her the attention she needed at last. The one thing she said in her last weeks which stays with me was "I don't know who you are but I love you very much!" It's making me cry now!

The brother who lIves 200 miles away, of course, "would do everything if I could" and was the one who'd taken anything worth anything in the house when offered whereas I'd always insisted she should have the pleasure of them. I wish I had taken them as I'd have reminders of my parents now, I've nothing!

Sorry, this thread has reawakened all my feelings of unfairness etc. I do sympathise with your predicament, Lostmyglasses, and send you my best wishes. It's true, it only takes it out of you, not them so try to rise above it all.

I think it is a common experience to find that every sibling has a different idea of what should be done.

My mother became quite passive in older age, coupled with a poor memory for day to day events. When she lived with me, I took her on SAGA all inclusive holidays which she loved. My brother said she didn't need to go n holiday because she could not 'remember' going etc. And made an absolute drama about handing her over to me rather than putting her in a home.

I think Lostmyclassesxx you need to do what it right. However if you are going to have a family confrontation I would not do it just before going on holiday. On the whole being consistently assertive is good. Also perhaps your mother could talk to them on Skype.

For my mother's possession, as we packed the house up before she went to live with my brother, we did sheets of address labels (quite easy on windows) and then stuck them on items we were interested in. However that didn't stop my sister taking a brass tray that had my name on back to USA. But that's families.

I have to say though I was disappointed in how my siblings operated, at one point they all wrote to mum's GP asking him not to agree to let her go on holiday!!

I had hoped in retirement to catch up with my siblings and forge closer bonds. I have, because of the care hassle, decided to focus on friends. I keep contact with siblings with occasional skype or phone calls.

I can empathise, we have very elderly parents in late nineties, mum has Alzheimer's and dementia dads mind is mainly ok but he's very stubborn. They still live in their own 3 bed house with stairlift and bath lift also various other helping aids, but dad will not have any outside help. There's only my sibling and myself, about 7yrs ago sibling and her entire side of the family decided not to have anything to do with my husband and myself, to this day we don't know what we have or supposed to have done, we have sent letters asking and last year I text to say "as mum and dads health is deteriorating could we get together to discuss their needs". It was only when dad had to go in hospital sibling got a pad and wrote put any information from doctors on pad! Dad is now relatively well but sibling still will not discuss their needs which I feel is very selfish with no consideration for our parents.
My husband is amazing and goes to mum and dad three times a day and helps cook evening meal, I'm disabled and blind and get round there as often as possible, I also ring 3 times daily, sibling visits 3 times a week never weekends. How on earth are we going to give our fantastic mum and dad the best care in their final years if sibling will not communicate?

Fourboys - I am humbled by your message because you are dealing with other considerable issues as well as your parents.
I have come to the conclusion that because we are all so very different I life some people just do not have the emotional chemistry or sensitivity to deal with life's issues and people with emotional baggage, be they family or not ,often deflect their internal,issues rather than confronting them and transfer them to others in devisive negative ways .some people just cannot face up to who they are and act accordingly and I have seen this in so many aspects of my life family work friends - but family can be the most toxic. We just have to carry on being who we are and wear that badge with pride - that's my philosophy today having got this all out my system !