How would you feel?

There's a danger of this relationship developing and at the very least increasing emotional detachment which is hard to bear when you're living with someone. Looking at it from another dimension. When we are in love what we do and where we go matters less than being together and enjoying life together. It is very affirming when ones other half makes times to engage in an interest or activity that is yours rather than theirs. It may be worth considering whether you'd like to improve how you and your OH might enjoy doing things together like this trip and maybe falling in love all over again.

I think you should go and enjoy the experience

Is your son your husbands son? Why doesn't he want to visit his son.

Sounds as if he had a good time with his brother and wants to go back again and enjoy his company. He is most likely flattered by the attention his brother paid him and being invited to the birthday. Maybe there won't be so much attention this time.

He only met this woman once, maybe she is in for a shock when she spends more time with him. Also if she is paying him all thus attention after one meeting maybe she has a wide range of Facebook "boyfriends". Some people do.

You must decide what to do with your travel money. I think you will be very disappointed if you can't afford to visit your son next year and that won't help your relationship.

There seems to be confusion, did your husband offer to help with the Canada trip or Australia trip? Last question, does your husband work? I am wondering why he has more money than you.

I wouldn't think twice, I'd be on the plane, especially if he is paying. From a purely cynical viewpoint, you stand to lose a lot more than the cost of the air fare

Are you on facebook too? You could post a picture of you and your husband looking cosy together, and send it to his facebook page where she will see it. You could also send her a friend request! and get on that plane!

Good ideas starbird!

Your intuition is your best friend right now. If you think this woman is a threat to your marriage, she probably is. You wouldn't even be writing about it on this forum if that wasn't the case. In any social setting, the men who appear to be 'unattached' will usually be targeted by 'unattached' females. Time to let his family and friends in Canada know you are a couple. So the answer should be obvious ....By all means accompany him to Canada and be sure to buy yourself a 'knockout' dress to go with his new suit!

I always find it odd when one half a couple can't afford to do something and the other is spending money.
I n this household the pros and cone of both trips and to ending tbemwoukd have been discussed
If he's that easily diverted from his marriage then is it worth preserving anyway?

Sorry 'financing them'

I find it difficult to understand why if you are married you have to save out of "your" money while he can afford two trips to Canada and still hasn't contributed to your trip to Australia.
In marriage the savings are communal so it is time you received your share. I know this misses the point of the thread so for what it is worth my opinion is your suspicions are well founded. Men generally have their brains below the waist, older ones are no different. On mumsnet they refer to the "pick me dance" to refer to the way some women will fight to retain someone who is attracted elsewhere. I would give an ultimatum. He should break off the online relationship and invite his brother to come here to visit instead of going there. You need to get your finances sorted and visit your son ASAP. You deserve it.

If you still love your OH, then in the circumstances you describe I think that you are risking an awful lot by letting him go alone. Not all woman respect the wedding ring!

I would be inclined to go to Canada. Although it would mean two long journeys, the journey to Canada is nothing like that to Australia and as long as you give yourself time to recover you should be fine.
Although I didn't like living in Canada (I was a teenager and it was in the 60s) it is definitely somewhere worth seeing and I don't think there is anywhere similar particularly if you go in the early fall. It can get very hot in the Summer (and of course cold in the Winter).
You are worrying now. Imagine how you will be when he is actually there. In some ways, you have to fill in the gaps with his difficulties in relationships/empathy etc. as that is not going to change.
I think women in Canada and the US can be much more forward in going after men than we are here and she is obviously not too concerned that he has a wife.

It is hard to know exactly what to do, but I think that if there has been 'romantic' connections with this other woman I would do something now.
What about talking to this woman or even his brother if he knows her to explain about OH and how he acts and responds to attention.

Its the woman you need to worry about.....To be on your own as you get older, can for some women be a worry, emotionally and financially.

So they are actively searching....they see a man on his own, they see an opportunity! They will flirt, flatter, and massage his ego, make no mistake, these women are very very clever... then bingo! he's off. Most likely a big mistake but then its too late, the damage is done and lives are shattered. I saw this happen to my lovely beautiful friend, the mother of his three gorgeous children, what a nob head. he broke so many hearts, asked to be forgiven but then it was too late.....

Nanolife. It happened to my father too. She was the loser though. My mother would never have left him and it actually took her a few years to admit how abusive he was.

I agree with Bluebelle. Perhaps this should be a trigger to examine your relationship more deeply. Your post suggests that you don't want to share big events, or even travel with your husband. At the same time, you don't want him to spend time with another woman who may want to share things with him. Also, as others have said, ADHD and Aspergers are totally different condition. Furthermore, a racing mind can also be symptomatic of OCD. In the end of course, the diagnosis matters less than knowing each other well and deciding what you want from your relationship.

I don't think your suspicions are unfounded Oldgoose, sounds like your OH has expectations! By not going with him you're facilitating two things that every extra-marital affair needs - opportunity and a willing third party.
Still, you could take the risk and let him go alone if that's the practical thing to do. Sure, its a gamble, a test of your relationship and it will be a difficult time for you. Just don't let him forget about you or think you're not interested in what he's up to. Keep in touch through FaceTime, Skype or Whatsapp. Say you want photograps emailed to you, Facebook updates or regular phone calls despite the time difference.
Sounds like you're his rock and as you've already discussed this woman surely he knows what's at stake if he strays? If not, make it clear.

Just posting to make the point that I know quite a few couples who keep their finances (at least as far as savings go) separate. They are all second (or third!) marriages and I can see the logic, especially if the parties each have children.

Why would you not want to go to Canada????

You know the saying 'if you love him let him go' ...about sums this up ...you are either going to trust him, or not ! He knows nothing about this woman, presumably, and she knows nothing about him. The attention and the flattery are both exciting to them !

As has been suggested, can you not phone his brother and find out what went on, what he has said about this woman, and, if he will tell you, what he has said about you and your relationship.

Security is difficult to let go of, especially when you are older ,,but you only have one life, and it is short ...go with your instinct. Go to Canada if it is for the right reasons, go to Australia on your own likewise. It sounds as if this is a second relationship (marriage ?) ....and your son as you call him, is not you Other Half's 'child' which may explain it.

Harsh as it may seem, you may be better off without him ....
and you need to tell him how you feel !

I too think Bluebelle has a point. Only you know whether you want the risk of him being snaffled by this woman, and how much you'd really care - or be relieved if he went.

His brother is now part of his life and if you want to stay together you need to make him part of yours too. Perhaps this other lady thinks he has an 'open' relationship or is freer than he really is.

Its up to you.

I would go to Oz and let him go to Canada on his own. And if he falls for this woman ,he will have to cope with the consequences. Please do not feel you have to look after this man in some way. Try to build up some funds of your own. I know this seems harsh but showing you are a capable self sufficient person might prove more attractive in the end. I would want to see my son.

How can he afford all those trips and you can't. Isn't your money 50-50?
Clear up the finances and draw the money out of the bank for Australia and with what's left over see if you both can go to Canada.
If there is only one trip each then go and see your son. Even if he has it off with this Canadian woman he'll be back although he sounds a handful. I'm not sure she will want him on a permanent basis.

So obvious that this woman is not messaging to enquire about the weather.How much would it bother you were you to find out that when he was back in Canada he had succumbed to this womans charms.Many men just love the flattery of another woman.If you feel any indiscretions would not bother you I question your true feelings for him so why waste your money by going with him..
Other than that then buy some new gear pack your case and go meet this female.See if she is really worth getting concerned about

Could your son lend you the money for your trip to Australia? So you could then do both. You don't have to tell your son about your concerns - just that it's important to you to be able to make both visits within a short space of time.

I have a friend who was invited to go on a trip to Australia but had to fund herself.She was very keen to go - for various reasons, would never have the opportunity again - but finances were stretched. Her lovely son (who is in work but not wealthy) lent her the money.He was glad to be asked and to be able to help her. She is paying him back gradually as she can afford it.