Doing too much ?

Thanks for further info Forestgirl it does change the picture somewhat and it looks more like your daughter has started to take your help for granted and is becoming demanding and yes maybe now is the time to set some ground rules and be a bit more limiting about your help because at the end of the day it should be a totally two way process She sounds not very maternal if she wants to swan off to parties or is this just a one off and she's very disappointed if she can't go ? I think that's an important point is she a party girl that you have been indulging or is she a hard working girl looking forward to a one off break

I can't speak for others but your original post made me think you were constantly flying off on holidays now you have explained, it is much more realistic to feel empathy for you. If you feel that you are giving and she is taking that's an age old problem
Perhaps like many on here you have given too freely and too often and it's now taken totally as a given that you will do. A b and c without a word I would certainly try and have a talk about your side of the story, if this is hard without it being misconstrued and twisted, maybe a carefully thought out letter Do you have a close friend who would look after the horses whilst you had a weekend at your bolt hole ALONE with no paybacks or do you only enjoy going to the cottage if you have the grandkids with you How old are the grandkids by the way ?

Best of luck with this forest girl. I'm surprised by the tone of some responses. Can you usually discuss things openly with your daughter? It's up to her how she manages the party isn't it, not your problem.

i wish we could edit our posts and add to them and not have to write a new post

just a thought could your daughter be very disappointed if this party is a one off that she has been looking forward to so why can't you take the kids to your bolt hole another time.... is this becoming a battle of wills maybe?

forestgirl4 You just have to make a choice between looking after your grandchildren and your horses.

The horses are your hobby. If your daughter is not really interested you need to make decisions about exactly what you want, you cannot do everything.

I think posters are trying to say this. What sort of other helpful suggestions do you think we can give?

How about selling one horse and putting what money you save into paying someone else to do the care of the horses when you are not about.

It's up to you to make these decisions with your daughter and work out a plan that suits you both. You cannot have it all unless you have lots & lots of money. Horses are expensive to run.

Right. Now I have a clearer picture forestgirl - don't forget we only have a little bit of the picture and it's not always easy to see what's what.

I understand the issue around animals and holidays. We too had horses (and goats, and chickens and dogs and ....) . You need reliable cover while you're away. When I said there was something more here, it turns out that was your daughter had something planned and it was this party. So that's why she's in a strop. And you've made it clear that she's a life-long rider and happy around horses so that wasn't her issue.

You seem to be doing a great deal for your family. Too much? Possibly, but there again you love having your grandchildren and doubtless they love coming to you.

I think this is a matter of getting better, clearer communication so there are not cashes of interest, like the party your daughter was going to and you planning on going on holiday.

We've had a similar situation recently where my daughter just assumed we'd have her two dogs while she and her family went on a half-term holiday, but in fact it wasn't possible as I'm away and my DH can't possibly cope with four dogs (we have two). And it's even harder with large animals such as your horses.

After you've resolved this one I think you need to sit down with daughter and thrash this out, nicely, preferably with a diary or calendar handy.

PS is your daughter a single mother as I hear no mention of a partner? And this can make life harder for the carer.

I can see this is an awkward situation for you forestgirl14 and it is a shame things have come to this. All I can think of is do you know any other horse owners locally with whom you could have a reciprocal arrangement? I have found in the past that it is safer having a fellow cat owner to look after our lot if my daughter cannot do it. We do pay a lady to feed them too, funnily enough her main job is horse care. Good luck with this.

Yes she is it Anya was mentioned further up it appears both mum and daughter are single parents

I think you're being an extremely generous Granny Forestgirl. To have the kind of help you offer on a regular basis would be like manna from heaven for many many families. I know when my children were younger and I was working, it was a nightmare covering holidays and I ended up spending a fortune on childcare. My own and husbands families live at opposite ends of the country and we're in the middle. It's just the way it was and we got through. I salute your support for your daughter. It sounds as if you've always been a provider for her childcare needs and she's never had to do without it. She's one lucky lady! You're not unreasonable in the slightest to feel a little aggrieved at your daughter's current attitude. By the way your cottage sounds bliss! x

You are spot on forestgirl4 and it doesn't matter whether you've asked for support to look after horses, dogs, rabbits, goldfish or your own parents whilst you take your grandchildren away. You're also spot on in that if you're daughter wishes to have some freedom from the children, that you have offered to do this whilst you are at home where you will no doubt look after the children AND the animals. You are not being unfair or unreasonable. I'd also agree with Bluebell that it seems that you've had a great working relationship in this topic to date and something seems to have gone astray. Perhaps a quiet discussion over coffee/lunch to re-look at the plans and air your thoughts and perhaps there is something else you will uncover. Keep talking and don't fall out...x

I am surprised at the unhelpful comments on here. A lot of people post about their problems without necessarily coming up with a solution. Sometimes people just want to vent and by putting a problem down in writing, it helps clarify the situation and get other people's views.

I think your daughter is being unreasonable forestgirl4 and maybe you need to not take your grandchildren away so much. It is difficult to be firm without falling out though.

I ABSOLUTELY 'get' where you're coming from! Indeed there isn't much 'help' anyone can give...just support! That's all you need. I support you one million per cent! My situation was with my dil? In being a 'whatever I can do to help' grannies...I have unwittingly created a selfish, spoilt woman who now 'expects' and NEVER appreciates! ALL my own doing...I did not have help with my own children when they were young so thought I was doing a good thing by doing what I could to make her life easier, regarding work etc? She now books spa breaks, foreign holidays etc, taking for granted I will look after my beautiful grandchildren. A recent event has ended this relationship but honestly forestgirl...I ABSOLUTELY know where you're coming from. Unfortunately I have no advice as such, except maybe talk to your daughter? If you have that kind of relationship. Purely in order that you let her know first, how much you live her, and adore your grandchildren? But also that you feel maybe taken for granted a bit? (understatement I know lol) but unfortunately, if it comes across as meaning or criticism, the situation can quickly descend into defence and attack, which is not productive for either party. Keep it positive and from a place of pure love, but try to convey your real feelings, you're obviously more than willing to help but need a bit back? Two way Street scenario?! Ah I really hope you sort it without a standoff. But in reality, she needs your help more maybe? Good luck ? xx

This is a difficult situation which I feel has a lot to do with the status of women in the different generations.
My daughter definitely sees me as someone who does housework and childcare and herself as someone who gets paid for work and pays for cleaning and childcare.
She seems to believe that I am happy being an unpaid domestic help the way I was when she was a child while women of her generation can't be expected to!

I think children with children start out being openly grateful and are reluctant to impose. However, once in a 'routine', it's easy for a grandparent's availability to be taken for granted. It might just be human nature vs an ungrateful daughter. There's a lot of 'I want it now!' in the current generation. Fine, as long as the immediacy does not bugger my plans up!

You need to sort out some guidelines with her about making plans and that you need notice if she is not going to be available to reciprocate with horse care when you take her kids away for hols.

All boils down to the 6P Principle.... Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance!

I understand the feeling of being 'taken-for-granted' by said daughter!

Oh my GanGan1304

That is just so out of order on your daughter's part. You are right... best nipped in the bud!

I only wish I could take my youngest grandchild away - the others are a bit too old to want to go.
BUT when I go away myself I pay my lodger £10 a day to look after my cat so I don't feel obliged to her - makes holidays a bit dearer but stops me worrying.

Hello forestgirl. I echo the sentiments of Gangan. I was also a single mum for several years with no help whatsoever from father or stepmother nearby. I also tried to be helpful to all 3of my daughters until I got cancer. Then the younger 2 complained after my treatment that I was unhelpful and said many hurtful things. Talking to them made it worse so my suggestion would be to tread carefully! Time seems to help and maybe you might want to be less readily available for your daughter. Please keep posting on this forum. We aren't all unhelpful and unsupportive as you have seen. Much hugs!

Sounds to me like the timing was out a bit, a party special to her was no possible if she did the horses and you went away at the same time.

She is lucky to have you and so are the GC a healthy, capable, horsey granny, what's not to like?

She was disappointed by the sound of it...........my parents used to sweep n and carry my kids off on random weekends when they wanted to...I was often left feeling fed up, skint and unable to utilise the free time as well as I might have done with more notice.

That is life, it is full of odd shapes and sharp edges.

Forestgirl14 Well firstly I think you're entirely justified, you are obviously being taken for granted. It's a lesson for all of us, I've been asked to look after GS one day a week next year. Not a big commitment but my husband needs care. So I shall be careful to establish ground rules from the start. Good luck. I must say I too was surprised at the tone of some posts as a new poster.

I think daughter sound s selfish little madam. Has lots of childfree time. Regardless of whether forest enjoys time away with DGC her DD should help when needed.

As soon as you mention the word 'horse' maybe a bit of jealousy kicks in. Horse usually equals money. Your daughter sounds a little spoilt, she cant have it all ways. A bit of animal sitting isnt much considering the break she gets. i would have loved to have a mother to give me a break now and again when my children were young, she is very lucky to have you.

How long will her pary going entail her being away? If it's only one night, or two, out of a week, maybe she could pay for the horse cover and then she'd be back to check on the horses heself.

I just stumped up for a foreign holiday, enjoyed by all I have to say, but now that we are back I have noticed heavy hints about where we could go 'next time'. I am not taking heed! If I do I know from experience it will become expected. This generation seem to think that the world owes them a living. They need to face up to reality.

If your daughter cannot bring herself to look after your horses whilst you take her children away, don't do it again! She will get the message sooner or later.

I agree she is lucky to have you.A super-competent practical horsey granny! On the face of it it's a perfect tit-for-tat arrangement.

Maybe there's something else bubbling under? Some underlying resentment on her behalf which she can't /won't articulate?

I think odd has a salient point too. I think there may well be a generational component to the problem. I think this current generation of women do indeed expect more from those around them and see "chores" as something they can contract out quite easily to other women without realising that those same women may well feel less than enthusiastic. I have a cousin like this; he sees other people, and women in particular, as servants who will do his bidding without question. I've not experienced this from my dd yet, thankfully.

My mother refused to help me with childcare and that's absolutely her right. My child, my problem.

Which is perhaps what the op's dd needs to be mindful of, too.