children who emigrate / how do you cope?

Oh Jordana you are not alone my youngest daughter and 2 GD emigrated to Australia 6 years ago my GDs are now 6 & 11. I have another daughter and GD 5 minutes from me but both my DD and myself miss them awfully. Last year myself, DD and GD went to Australia for Christmas it was amazing to all be together again in the glorious sunshine,but,that was a one off for us due to finances, work and school it will be a long time before we all spend Christmas together again. I'm struggling now Christmas is looming and I'm feeling like a bah humbug but I have to show willing for my other GD. Also as I turned 60 this year it's played heavy on my mind about if I was to get ill whether I would even see them again a feeling I've had to shrug off. But like you we miss them terribly but we do FaceTime every week which is a god send. They have a wonderful life but I wish they were nearer.

Oh yes storynanny its a bit insensitive isn't it when you tell people your GK are on the other side of the planet and they say "oh lovely" and make remarks about holidays. i try not to be grumpy and say "it's a family visit not a holiday" but just smile sweetly. A holiday would be going somewhere with DH rather than trekking all that way on my own. And coping with the jet lag on return. And if you stay with them it is not exactly relaxing being a house guest for a couple of weeks without a car. (do I want to take to the busy roads with jet lag and kids - no thanks)
I have got to grips with public transport over there, so now GK are big enough to hop on and off buses and trains it is easier than when they were little. Family day ticket in Perth is a winner as you can go as far as you like on buses and trains. And kids these days probably find public transport a treat in itself.

All our family leave three hours away and we keep in touch via Messenger and Face Time. They are brilliant

The other thing is, JessM, that we tend not to have many other holidays!!
Our neighbours are always going off in the UK, Europe etc but we are saving up for our next visit.
Although we did combine it with a lovely holiday last year and try to go off somewhere different each time, even if just for a long weekend so we have done things and seen places that we would never have dreamed of going to.

Having a child emigrate is incredibly painful. It's even worse to have to say goodbye to grandkids. Mine are 4,000 miles away in Wisconsin, happily settled into American life and undoubtedly going to stay there forever. If I'm honest, I've got to admit that we're not really part of their lives any more, except for a weekly chat with DD on Skype. They've been gone 2 years and I don't know when we'll be able to visit them. I don't think they'll ever visit us, as they seem to have brushed the dust of the UK from their feet for good. Of course, I'm happy they've got a good life - I'm just sorry for me.

I don't think it's selfish to be sad that your family is far, far away. It's human.

That's the sad part bluecat. ...... to realise you are not part of their lives any longer

So many of us in the same situation. Our son, his wife and son went to Australia in March 2012, our grandson was 5 at the time. We have a daughter and two other grandchildren who live quite near us but we don't see much of them now as the children are grown up, one working away from home and the other at Uni. It all happened so quickly with our son as his company offered him a massive promotion in Australia and I do understand what a wonderful opportunity it was for them. We have visited in 2013 but due to health issues and finances can't see us going again. They have told us they have no intention of coming "home" for a visit as there are other places they want to go! I was so hurt when they said that as they expect us and our daughter to go over there.

Our daughter misses them so much but when we were chatting the other day she said se feels like she has no brother any more. He never gets in touch with her and only facetimes us after I get in touch via email first.

They have a lovely life over there, but as we are getting older I miss them more and more, can't help thinking that we will probably never see them again. Sorry for the long post but sometimes just need to get it off my chest. So Jordana, I can understand exactly how you are feeling.

My daughter too emigrated, thirteen years ago to Australia (she married an Australian). She then quite swiftly went on to have three children, now aged 11, 9 and 7 years. I have always struggled with it although I am very fortunate to see them every other year. I do, however, feel that I have missed so much of my grandchildren's lives and do not know them as much as I should. I miss the 'popping in' for coffee, going to the kids' birthday celebrations and generally just not being able to give them a big hug!

Yes, I miss them dearly but they are happy and have a good lifestyle. It was my daughter's choice and I just had to respect that and let her go. Miss her every day.

Oh dear, my post came across as one big moan, didnt mean it to sound like that. Yes we miss them very much, but they seem very happy and have a great life. I just miss seeing our GS growing up and our sone was a great hugger and miss that too.

We have great memories of lovely family times but it's just me and DH now so making the most of every day.

My daughter has lived in America for 14 years, is married to an American and they have 2 children. I thought my heart would truly break the day she flew there for good. We were so close and I went through a very difficult time. There was no Skype then or easy communication via texting. Although we are not rich, we make sacrifices to make sure we visit once a year and often they visit us so we see each other twice a year. I was lucky enough to go on my own for both my grandchildren's births and my daughter is wonderful in keeping in touch via Skype and making sure the children know us. I don't any long feel the heartache, although it wold be lovely to have them all near, but I have gained so many wonderful experiences by visiting America.

Sometimes in their busy lives, communication can be sparse, but I make an effort to keep in touch and email them or Skype them and never ever show any resentment or sadness to them.

Stop feeling sorry for yourselves and get on with your own lives!

Did anyone say that!!!

That's rather harsh emilie - the OP knows she has to get on with her life, but she can't help how she feels. And by expressing her feelings, sharing them with others can provide an outlet for her pain.

My son lives in Taiwan with his wife and my grandaughter now 3. it's a long trek to visit but he is very happy. I knew he would never come back when I first took him to the airport 7 years ago. Makes me very sad that I will never have a full relationship with my grandaughter but my son is happy in his life and I Skype and visit when I can. How times have changed in a relatively short space. In my day we used to marry a lad in the adjoining village not someone thousands of miles away ?

Emilie, how very rude. Where do your children live? If they are miles away , well thousands of miles away, please give us constructive advice as to how you cope.

I have 2 sons, one in NZ getting married next year and one in Channel Islands married with kids. And I am divorced, without a partner.

I am both enormously impressed that my sons have sought out and undoubtedly achieved a better standard and quality of life, especially for kids, and at the same time feel at times utterly desolate, living alone as I do.

I feel recrimination from my dear small grandchildren when it is time for me to go home after a visit. Exactly: it just feels plain wrong.

If anyone has a 'solution' I'd love to know what it is. I can't see it. We have no template for this. At times I feel like I am existing in a vacuum. I work part time in a professional role which is rewarding, I have a busy leisure activity schedule and good friends who are wonderful special people.

But somehow that's just not the point. This is something else...a black hole. A wrenching we're just not naturally equipped to withstand; quite the opposite in fact: the instinctive 'pull' is towards, not apart. Including for them in large part. Their instinct is for independence, quite right, but this does not mean by definition vast geographical distance.

So....we battle to process and integrate an experience which is essentially one of fragmentation. A contradiction in terms.

You didn't, t moan at all nanny deep. You were only sharing your feelings and understanding that most of us do feel that ,back hole and that there will always be a part of us missing. Yes it is natural to feel sorry for oneself at certain times ie xmas and b days etc but obviously we all try hard not to dwell on it and yes try to make a life and enjoy it. We all try to put a brave face on it, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, t

My daughter emigrated to Australia ten years ago and has two children 2 and a half and one - I've been over to see them twice and the children were so friendly and happy to be with me it was lovely and we try to FT but it's hard with the time difference and the reality is I won't really know them and aren't really a part of their lives. It does make me smile sometimes when I read posts from people saying how exhausting it is looking after their grandchildren and they feel a bit used sometimes - I'd swap places you in an instant !!!

I feel for you and agree the hole it leaves in your family never gets any easier. I have a daughter who doesn't live far away lives alone and cut all of us off suddenly without any explanation just over 5 yrs ago. Can't phone can't call round numbers of her broth sister and me all blocked and won't answer door. She has a little niece and nephew who would love to get to know her as she is their only Auntie. I have no idea whatsoever why this has happened. I still have days when I cry so much because of missing her in my life (hubby says I just have to live with it). Yes I know that but I can't. Christmas is awful no card nothing. I put gift cards through her door for Birthdays and Christmas but don't know if she even uses them. I write on her Birthday and Christmas cards that I love and miss her. My heart really goes out to you. I've been on a course for CBT but nothing is going to mend my very sad heart.

Perhaps emilie doesn't have a family yet?

If you read the thread emilie I think you may find that people are getting on with their own lives but their love for their families shines through in every post.

I have just re-read all the posts and feel empathy with so many of the views expressed. We are heading off to visit our family in Australia tomorrow so very excited. Very mixed emotions though. As soon as the long anticipated trip begins I start to think how it will be over too soon then you have to face the goodbyes. We do get on with life between visits and yes I wish them well but I know that black hole inside where I miss them. I feel I leave a bit of my heart behind every time I see them. Also feeling very sad to have said goodbye to my grandchildren and daughter in law here. We will miss them so much while we are away so we can never really feel complete.

It's heartbreaking having children so far away. DS went to Australia in 2010 after a bad relationship break up when I tried to be there for him as much as possible. He came back in 2012 with his girlfriend whom he'd met over there. She's lovely and I'm glad they're together but dreading them going back to Australia later this month for good. I just got sadder and sadder last time, don't know how I'll cope with them away for the rest of my life. Of course, I try not to let them know how I feel and act positive. They're very affectionate when they're with us but are busy and don't contact much. Years ago, I asked DS to keep in contact more but he was annoyed and it made no difference. I shall try to keep busy, have a married DD and 2 grandchildren 50 miles away. She had the kids in difficult circumstances and we moved to be nearer and gave lots of support, both time and financial. When she moved to be with her new partner, we were glad for them but as the grandchildren have become teenage, of course they need to do their own thing. Again very affectionate when they see us but much less contact now. I am selfish because I feel a bit resentful that I was consumed by both DS and DD difficulties for so long just when I expected to be free and had trained for a new career. It just seems so difficult to try and focus on my own life now without them, I'm not interested in me any more! Thanks for the opportunity to vent.

Chin up rabbit gran, I feel for everyone in this situation and now I don't feel so guilty having thoughts I never thought I would have against my daughter. I realise I am not alone and that has helped a lot. I worked part time and looked after my daughters 3 children while she went back to work and then she emigrated. So I saw the g children loads of times and then down to nothing. Now I am semi retired and when alone and in the middle of night these morbid and sad thoughts appear. Hugs to all

This makes me feel awful because I moan about my son and his family being in Liverpool (the rest of us are in London). We have a family Facebook message group that everyone is on, even my 91 year old dad, and my son and daughter constantly update it with photos and videos of family life. It's not public at all as it is on Messenger.
It makes us all feel so much closer and it has given my dad's life new meaning since my mum died. I know people moan about Facebook but really it has been a wonderful thing for my family.

Hi, i think that lots of families are not as close as they would like, it may be that even if your grandchildren were living near you you wouldn't see them very often ? thats life i'm afraid, i would suggest that you find some hobbies and interests for yourself to keep you happy and busy, life is what you make it, you can't rely on others to fulfil you, you are not being selfish wanting more but you may just have to accept that, thats the way it is and if you had more going on in your own life you would have less time to think about missing your family, you could volunteer or invite a single parent family or an older lonely person to join you for xmas, there are plenty of things you could be doing. life is far to short to be moping about thinking of what you haven't got, get out there and do something for yourself and enjoy your health and mobility while you,ve still got it, have fun