children who emigrate / how do you cope?

life is tough, my daughter lives near me and honestly sometimes it is too near. why are we never satisfied with our lot. My sister has no grandchildren and misses what she has never had to an extent it causes her much unhappiness.

I do sympathise with you Jordana. Have pretty much the same feelings about one of my sons who lies abroad. It is tough, particularly as I am divorced, have no partner and have just moved to an area where I am still trying to make new friends.

Agree with Jess M about trying to be busy and interested in other people if possible.

PS Am dreading Christmas as it also my birthday and am pretty certain I will be spending it alone.

emc2, I advise you to find a local U3A and/or WI. Both these groups should have kind and interesting people (or our age!) who will make you welcome, plus a wealth of activities which you can join in with if you wish.
In reference to jordana's thread, I truly sympathise. Our DS & only child and his family are 5000 miles away, in California. DS went 21 years ago and wife a year later, and DGC were born there. DH & I have been lucky enough to see them every year and to be part of their lives, but it's hard to be so far away from them the rest of the time. Skype, email, Facebook, and the phone are all helpful, but one thing I do, which I don't think has been mentioned here, is to use the good old-fashioned post to send postcards, cards, letters and small parcels. The children are delighted to get these. Little, regular contcats, all help.

My daughter is in her early 30s and until a few months ago lived in the same town as me, but then moved several hundred miles away involving a flight or ferry trip. She left behind my GD who will be 13 this month ?? and has lived with me most of her life. I love babies, toddlers and young children, but hormonal teenagers are def not my cup of tea! My daughter would occasionally take her out shopping or out for a meal, but now there is no practical support due to distance. Most of the time my GD is fine but there are times when trying to cope with teenage hormones and problems all seems to be too much at my age!! Sometimes being far away seems like it would be an advantage!! I definitely object to only being able to go on short breaks/holidays during school holidays unlike my other retired friends who are able to travel whenever they want to at bargain prices! My son has a toddler and they live a couple of hours away so it is lovely to see him a few times a year. I keep in touch with my son regularly via What's App and it is lovely to see regular photos of my DGS and it's free and private - unlike FB where all and sundry can see everything you post.
I think one has to accept that GC in their 20s are really busy and are unlikely to contact you unless you contact them. What about going away for Christmas maybe with friends? There are lots of folk out there who will be lonely this Christmas so decide what you would enjoy this year with your husband and go for it. Living with a teenager can be lonely as she spends most of her time at school, doing homework or listening to music in her bedroom or is out with friends leaving me to enjoy the peace and quiet!

Very hard when long distances involved. Daughters tend to go towards their parents for childcare Christmas etc. Only seen my DGS twice in 18 months although DIL parents live close to us they are the ones who babysit do daily childcare Christmas and birthday. I have had counselling and in my head now my son's don't exist. They do not keep in touch, I try but they are always too busy to talk. Can't wait for my end it is all sorted so they don't have to worry or do anything. I am content with me.

Just want to correct you on one point Smurf You can private message, private phone call and private video all through FB Contact doesn't have to be on the public pages I regularly speak (phone) privately to NZ Ireland and Zimbabwe through the FB option

use the good old-fashioned post to send postcards, cards, letters and small parcels
Just posted a very light parcel to DGS (just a little surprise) and it cost £5.55 by airmail!!
However, he's worth it

Marnie i am so sorry you feel this way but can assure you that none of our 3 DDs live near us nor do they differentiate between us and their in-laws.
Do everything you can to retain contact . Send little tokens of your affection to your grandchildren, cards, photos., etc. Will Skype by a possibility, or WhatsApp? Ascertain why they behave in this hurtful way and aim to calmly alter this. If necessary, get the support of your co-grandparents.

In the meantime, do join support groups. Life is worth living, even without grandchildren nearby and there is much out there to raise a smile and lift a sad mood.

Does Emilie have any children I wonder?
Or is she simply very bitter.

No you are not selfish at all. Just a loving mother trying to do the best for everyone

Marnie, please don't give up. I am sorry that you feel so worthless. I really hope that your family realise how you feel and that your situation improves in the future. Hope these help to cheer you up.

When my children were young my SIL lived out of the country so I used to visit her MIL
to make sure she was OK we developed a wonderful relationship,she was like a grandma to my children and I really loved her she ended up helping me various times as well as we had no family.Maybe you could offer to help some family or school to help you through your sadness ,of course it isn't the same but could be fun.

Oh Marnie how sad it just shows distance isn't the only enemy Keep trying, don't give up How old is your little grandson can you set up some contact with him ? Don't lose hope I don't know what else to say you sound so defeated .... what can help ?

No you're not selfish. I personally feel that our children owe us, especially as we get older. A lot of parents give up a lot for their offspring and children today are extremely selfish. They have no regard for their parents, in fact they treat them as a burden and a nuisance.

But they don't ask to be born, we have children because (in the main) we want a family, not for someone to look after us in our old age.

I am so glad to see this thread. I am just at the beginning of this as my twin daughters are heading for New Zealand intending to stay one or two years they say. However, they are already travelling in the US and they are such outdoorsy, lively sorts that I can imagine them staying. Especially as one of them has her boyfriend along.

Of course I want them to have great opportunities and a good life but I am already struggling. I feel so lonely and depressed even though I have one other daughter (she lives 200 miles away) and even though I have a DH, friends and hobbies. They don't fill the hole inside. I hate Skype calls, they make me feel worse. I'm better if I can actually push them away and pretend I don't remember them anymore. It's not rational but it is a way of dealing with the pain. I wouldn't let them know about this but I do dread the future. I think it's normal for a loving being to hate such a rupture, families were meant to be together.

Azie, people don't understand unless they are also in this situation. I always imagined myself and DH growing old surrounded by our children and grandchildren. Unfortunately this is not the case and as you say, hobbies, friends etc just do not fill the gap they leave. To be told "get on with your own lives" doesn't help, our lives always included our loved ones and we cannot help how we feel when they are not there.

Feeling particularly sad today as it is our GS' 10th birthday next week, another one we will not be able to share with him.

I don't think we are being selfish, I am thinking of him missing out on contact with grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousins.

My son is in Wales, does that count as emigrating? I cannot physically get to see him so it is up to him to come home to see me.

My ED lives 60 miles away but I don't get to see her or my DGSs, so life sucks no matter what sometimes. I try to get on with my own life but do have many moments during the day where my mind wonders and it makes me feel so sad. We were a team when I divorced, just the three of us, so it breaks my heart now that they don't want me in their lives the same. I do wonder if it is my health problems. I know it is with my son, but, as I was a fit healthier mum partying when my daughter was at home, I wonder if my deterioration of my health leads her to bury her head in the sand and pretend with not seeing me that I am ok. All I know is that I struggle every hour with feeling poorly and they are not here to cheer me or give me a hug. It's a good job I have my little doggie, I can tell you. X

I think we all have these same dreams of playing with lots of grandkids round us the latest baby on your knee the pot of warm comfort food simmering on the stove the toddlers running past asking for nanas biscuits and instead we are sitting on our own feeling sad or trying to catch a moment of their little faces on Skype, searching through FB to gaze at the latest pictures perhaps seeing photos of the other Nan at the park with them, feeling jealous but knowing we shouldn't be, feeling lonely to the point of depression, knowing they have their own life, their own choices like we did when we were young Remembering all the sacrifices yes it's a strong word but huge huge sacrifices to give your own little people a safe start, feeling strongly that one good parent was better than a war zone, the closeness, the total oneness against the world and suddenly nothing, all gone and we have to smile between our private tears and stand up tall and get on with life because there is no other way We have to talk small talk and pretend we re ok for our own sanity I know my kids love me I m lucky, I know they ll spent all that money to travel to my funeral, and I know it will hurt them and they ll cry and want me back but it won't change me now, spend the money now and blow the funeral

Add all the parents with kids thousands of miles away to all the parents with kids who walk away for whatever reason and we are a big club I don't know the answer just keep plodding on I guess

I put my DD on the plane yesterday, back to Aus. Very sad, she has been there for 17 years, has a lovely husband a great job and a lifestyle that she loves.
They don't have children, and I am very selfish in being a bit glad. (They didn't want children) It's very different maintaining a good relationship With an adult than developing one with a child at long distance. I feel so sorry for my friends and all of you in that position.
Now that we have just had a visit it will be easier when we Skype but in a few months then it will become harder as we have no common topical things to chat about.
We have been lucky that we have seen them every year since she left and we like her DH very much.
We probably spend as much time with them over a year as we would do if they lived in , say, the West Country. BUT it's a horrible journey and unless we win the lottery it won't get any easier and as been mentioned before staying with , even a beloved D, can get stressful after a little while. So what we get is a mixture of highs and lows.
D2 lives a mile away and has one S so we see him regularly.
Would be better if D1 was over here for us but maybe not for her. She has lovely in-laws so has a proper family life.
At the end of the day we have to take what we get and make the best of it but it's not easy for a lot of us.

Rubylady, I think Wales or any distance really, produces the same pain of separation. My ED lives in Wales. She is friendlier since her sisters went, maybe she feels the gap too but she's busy with her job, her boyfriend (they don't want children they say) and her animals - horses, dog, cat and waifs from the animal sanctuary where she helps in her 'spare' time.

Everyone is so busy these days with their own lives and the incredible opportunities life offers for those with the money to spend on holidays and hobbies. I sometimes think we must seem boring. I am only in my mid 60s but I'm getting health problems kicking in, the worst of these is arthritis which I am increasingly frightened by. I didn't have an especially happy childhood, my mum was a single parent who was stressed and not always kind. I was determined to give my children a better time of it and they have been given so much. I don't exactly think they owe me for this but I would like to feel more thought about than I do. Several posters have commented that as distance grows we have less and less in common with children who live far away and so less to say or share about our lives. I find Skype infuriating, all froth and jamming in funny or scarey incidents but that's not life, everyday life is cups of tea and the mundanity of intimacy.

Hugs to everyone. Enjoy your dog rubylady. I have an old cat, my elderly dog died several years ago but I'm going to replace her soon. I'd rather spend my money on a dog who's here than on a long, debilitating flight somewhere for a few weeks. Oh yes, i am terrified of flying for multiple reasons, doesn't help, does it?

Jordana Just reading your posts, I do feel for you, & missing, loving & wishing your family lived nearer is not selfish, it's a normal mothers feeling of longing for her child & grandchildren to be near, to hug & kiss & to say and hear the "I love yous"

And for all the other Mothers/Grandmothers in the same boat

I think whether they are near or far there comes a time when the visiting and contacting slows down, with us it seems to be now the DGC are mostly in their teens, mums and dads in full time work and interests and hobbies galore. We looked after some of the DGC on a weekly basis and I certainly miss seeing them. Eldest DD far away although still in UK we see about once or twice a year if we are lucky, no falling out just her work and family responsibilities, we chat on the phone but are not able to be a big part of their lives.

Yes hugs to everyone

Bluebelle you really have "hit the nail on the head" and what you say is completely "spot on", I couldn't have put it any better. We all try and put a brave face as best we can. I really appreciate the comments on the thread I started and feel humbled by all your concern. I guess we now have our own wee club!

Very good post Bluebelle above[4th Nov 5.57] I've only read to top of 2nd page, but will read more, as being estrangement from my precious D&GC for 4yrs, with them just 5mins down the rd. I share the same feelings of loss