children who emigrate / how do you cope?

...and it is only London.

Day6

Thank you ffinnochio and Yogagirl.

Was thinking this morning that I left home at 18 and stayed away for a decade. During that time I didn't think too much about my Mum, although we wrote to each other regularly. I imagine as she waved me off, her heart was breaking, but it didn't occur to me at the time, or indeed, during my youth that she might be hurting or feeling a sense of loss.

I guess we age and become wiser and that wisdom should tell me that we don't own our children and that they don't owe us in any way. We chose to have them. They have to go off and live their lives as they see fit. The children we nurture into individuals, and much as I'd like a 'Little House on the Prairie' closeness, it is just a yearning.

The reality is they become their own people and we have to be happy that we have taught them well and given them a good start. Job is done once they reach adulthood and we have to let go.

Whether it's 60 miles away or in another continent, we miss having them near and sharing their lives.

It's hard to live with though.

Day6, think you have summed it up. It must be so difficult to live with. A friend of mine, had her son emigrate 12 years ago, he is back now for 2 months, saying he might be relocating back here. She has not interfered in any way, she filled her life with so many activities as she wanted him to live the life he wants without guilt tripping him. She has a husband and daughter, but was always closer to her son. In private she desperately would love him to come back here, but just said to him, you must do what you feel is right. I admire her so much, don't know how I would be, but hope I could accept it like she has, they have to live their lives, their way.

I hope I could accept it, also, though, like Luckylegs, I don't really know. I think it's very normal for you to hurt, Day6, but, like others, I'm sure it will get easier with time.

I'm glad you're wise enough to be letting go of the "Little House on the Prairie" fantasy. Maybe you shouldn't try so hard to bring them all together either. You're looking at this in terms of whether or not they want to be with you, but is it possible that they don't really enjoy each others' company? Some adult siblings just don't.

Also, how would you be any more - or less - of a "rock" for your older son because of a few miles difference? If you're a rock for him here, you'll be one for him when he's in London. If you're not, then you're not, no matter how close he lives. I'm sure you're a great source of support and encouragement to all your ac. But I think this "rock" thing is just idea you've created in your own mind. Now that ods is relocating, that idea has been turned on its head, but I'm sorry, it was probably never real. That hurts, too, I suppose and I'm sorry. But please take pride in the fact that ods can be independent and is most likely a rock for himself.

Your own experience shows you that a young person can go out on their own, be just fine, not give much thought to their mum, and yet still love and care about her very much. I'm sure that's how you ac feel about you.

Thanks Luckylegs and Starlady.

You are right Starlady. They have become their own 'rocks'and I am proud that they are independent and doing well for themselves. I want to guide them still, stupidly. I know, looking back, when I was in my late 20s I thought I knew it all but it's amazing what ageing teaches us and how our perspective and attitudes often change as we grow older. I cannot put my 'wisdom garnered with age' outlook on them either.

They have to go off and learn things for themselves, just as we all do. I am still learning about life!

The instinct to guide and advise them remains strong though. I know I have to sit back now and let them (if they want to) tell me about their lives.

We are close, thankfully. I just don't have those talkative, exuberant children that so many of my friends seem to have. They are fun but also enjoy deep and serious discussion when they get together. The children arrange things together and share the same sort of humour. I am glad they love each other, but they are becoming thinly spread now in terms of where they live. I try to be the anchor and bring them together if possible but I suspect the times when we'll all be able to gather for the same occasion will be few and far between.

I think I have to learn to let go and accept what will be, will be. I know I am loved and respected and I know I have done my best for them. It's just a shame family tends to drift away. The bonds remain but the gatherings won't happen as much. (I am still sad, but reflecting, accepting and slapping myself for being a sentimental old fool.)

This is rites of passage time for the middle aged, older parent, isn't it?

"This is rites of passage time for the middle aged, older parent, isn't it? "

I think you've nailed it, Day6.

It's not easy either.

It's comforting to read that I'm not alone in the way I feel, but I don't know how I could have done things differently. I have a long story about how I got here, but I will just write down the ending. My son, first, then my daughter emigrated to the US in 1992 and 1996. Their errant father was not there for us, so I was a single, unsupported mother. I was heartbroken when they both emigrated and spent the next 20 years visiting 2 or 3 times a year. My daughter often paying my airfare. My son, against my wishes was sent to a boarding school aged 8, 100 miles from me and I had no car or money. I did my utmost to see him every 2 or 3 weeks. To get to the present, I did everything I could to make a life for myself in England, but weekends were very hard alone. So my daughter asked me to move to the USA, which I agreed to 5 years ago. I have no regrets, I miss my friends, have no other family apart from my son. And this is my problem. My son has two teenagers and an American wife. He has ever, ever visited me. He very rarely picks up the phone or enquires how I am. I have always been the first to contact and visit him. On the last occasion he slammed the phone down on me over a disagreement. I was so surprised as he was in the wrong. I thought his battery has failed. He said he was too busy to argue with me and I haven't heard from him since. My grandchildren don't contact me and neither does his wife. I've told myself over and over to let it go but deep down it hurts. I will never be part of their lives.

Happydais So sorry for your hurt, but good you are now living near your daughter, has she children? She sounds very caring & loving, did she go to boarding school? I must say for a child of 8yrs to go away from home to school, 100miles away and no weekend trips home, must have been terrible for him, hence his behaviour to you now, he probably thinks you didn't want him at home with you, especially if his sister stayed home with you, is she the youngest.?

I have to accept the fact that my son is very damaged by his upbringing. My ex didn't want the responsibility, we were very young, he lived like a single man in the Air Force. We had 5 homes before my son was 5, and he went to 5 different schools before he was 8. Hence the AF paying for boarding school. That way my ex got out of paying any maintenance. One thing after another, I never knew what was going to happen next. He said I could keep my daughter who is 2 years younger. I was young with no support, so yes.....I've made allowances for my son all his life, but surely there has to come a time when he can forgive. He is now 56. His father eventually married again, had no children, didn't want hers and passed away in 2000. Sorry this is such a morbid post. My health hasn't been good for many years. I got so burnt out by the time I was 50 I've had chronic fatigue since. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a wonderful daughter and one GC, but like all kids his diary is so full and he spends all his spare time in sports or with friends. I'm lucky that I get a hug when I visit! So when I'm alone, feeling very tired my thoughts run away with me. Thank you so much for listening.

Happydais, I'm so sorry for all you've been through and are going through now. xx

As for your son, it may not be so much a matter of his not forgiving as his not being used to your being a big part of his life. Some would want to include their mum now to make up for the past. But for some it might be too painful, and your son might be one of those.

Since you're the one who usually makes the first move, I doubt you'll hear from him again until you reach out to him. Do you feel like doing that? If you do, please avoid arguing with him about anything. Your relationship isn't strong enough to weather quarrels, imo. It doesn't matter who's right or wrong (and please realize he might he was right the last time). Keep things light and pleasant if you want to keep him and his children in your life.

Btw how old are his children? Are they too young to contact you on their own? Or old enough that they are busy with their own activities? Either way, do you reach out to them at all? Cute cards, etc? Might be a good idea.

So glad you have a good relationship with dd and family and that you appreciate it!

We didn't exactly argue. He just said I can't imagine buying you X with such limited capacity to which I answered you didn't buy it, I did. He said that was not true and ended the conversation. It was like the last straw for him. He is working a very stressful job, he's a perfectionist, works 24x7 to support his family, from home. Is socially very inept. Here I go again, making all the excuses. His children don't bother with me. I get birthday cards expressing their love, but that is so hollow. Yes, I wonder if they will ever make a move. I've done everything I can to make contact with the children, sending them gifts, but it's like you say. I know them better than they know me. I will hold out as long as I can. It's their choice now. One thing that struck me as strange. My grandson who's is quite talented was offered a job in New York thus skipping College. It caused a big rift between them as he was only 17. My son said at the time, a year ago, I'm too old to be dealing with these teenage rifts and then went on to say it was much easier for me as I was so much younger! His kid have had everything on a plate! I never had anything to give my kids. I was very surprised to hear his logic on that one. My daughter said she doesn't know what is going on between my son and me. They only contact each other when necessary but are fine with each other. Very different personalities. She doesn't see it as important as she has a very busy life. There is no answer. Thank you for your support.

I to feel terrible suffering with anxiety and depression because my Son recently took up a teaching job half way across the world and had told me that he wants to start a new life there I thought I could deal with this but I am having a really hard time I to feel selfish as I wish he was back home or at least only on Europe your post is a year ago so I hope that things have settled I don't sleep well now, I'm off food feel so depressed my husband tells me to snap out of it. I am trying to.

I understand how sad you are Lindastarshine, but I would see it very differently. You brought up an intelligent young man who has made a career for hinself and is now following his dreams of exploring the world. That is what our young people have done for a long long time. You should be proud of yourself and your husband for creating such a wonderful young man. You will always be a parent, but your child is now an adult who has his own life to lead. Do not make him feel guilty, feel happy for him and try to embrace his new life as he is doing.

I feel so depressed and anxious I don't sleep well no appetite tearful the list goes on. All because my Son left a month to teach English on the other side of the world. I never thought I would feel as bad it happened so quickly he was offered a job and 10 days later he was off. He was my rock we are really close. I have a husband but things have been difficult over the years and he doesn't understand why I feel like this. I am selfish I know and my grown up children have there Own lives but although I tell myself this it doesn't help

Linda sorry for your pain He may come back after a while, after he has had his adventure. Many folk emigrate, only to hate it and get back on the plane home as soon as they can! Have lot's of chats with him on the phone or Skype, but you mustn't let him know how bad you feel, just say how much you miss & love him, but you look forward to hearing all his news on his new life out there.

Well, we did the opposite! H and I moved to Bulgaria six years ago, leaving four grown up children and their spouses. It is very difficult for me especially not to see the six grandchildren as often as we'd like, but we're only a three hour flight away, and they visit quite regularly. I go back several times a year, thank goodness for Ryanair! We communicate via FaceTime and Skype, so in a way have the best of both worlds. Son and family recently bought a house in our village, to do up, spend holidays in and eventually (possibly) retire to. I can't see us ever returning to the UK.

Happydais, it sounds as if your son is under a lot of pressure right now. I suggest giving him some time to cool down and sort everything out. Meanwhile, please focus on enjoying your relationship with dd and family.

Lindastarshine, I feel for you, too. I'm concerned about how badly this is affecting you. Please seek counseling asap.

Thank you Starlady for your inputs. Yes, I will continue to step aside and be independent. There are two birthdays coming up. I can't face sending gifts just to get a text to say thank you. I'm so done with trying. The pain gnaws away. I'm learning to blank it out. We need our kids more than they need us.

To me a text is an effort and a nice thank you, maybe look that way?

Nowadays a text from a teenager is a standard sort of thank you, if you are lucky!

Our daughter lives in the US in one of the most expensive cities which makes it impossible for us to stay in a hotel as it is extremely costly to do so and we don't have the funds. She and her husband only has a 1 bedroom flat. Our new grandchild is due in November and I am at a loss how I will spend that time that I want there as there is simply no room for us.

Newatthis, have you tried Airbnb?

Happydais, I feel for you ....It's all so sad....as they say, you can be lonely in a crowd....my 3 children live within a 5 mile radius, but one of my d.i.l. is so antagonistic towards me, I hardly get to see the babies. I have to literally "beg " to see them. She pops down to visit her friend who lives just a few doors away from me, but doesn't bother to visit me. My son, who works away a lot tells me I need to sort out visitation etc with his wife. The 2 d.i.l. are very close and they, in turn are very friendly with my ex-husband's wife. So I feel I am an outsider. Everyone is hunky dory with one another and I am made to feel like the odd one out. My daughter and the other son and d.i.l. are ok but this one girl is causing me such anguish and I really don't know why she hates me so much. Thanks for reading x