children who emigrate / how do you cope?

Sometimes I feel so sad and wonder why my DS2 left me his mum to live in Aus was I not a good mum that he wanted to see daily, weekly or even monthly was a question I often ask myself.
Then I realised it was hard for him to but he fell in love with a wonderful women living over here for a limited time. On her return he followed his heart and they are a perfect couple and always comes home every 2 years so I must be happy for him as a mother that's all we really want for are children

Whoops ....Our children .....

I've read all the posts now, {flowers] for Marnie Jasperis* and of course Jordana If I could write all your names for I would, so for all on here

Reading all your sad posts is somehow a solace for me, as like Jasperis & Ruby my beloved D cut me and all of her birth family out of her and precious GC lives 4yrs this month! We had such a special bond too, as D&GD lived with me. All down to her nasty H & his mother; jealousy. My GD even had her name taken away by her nasty stepdad, as it was the same as mine,[middle & last] her first name I chose. The pain is with me all the time.

Reading your posts, I think of my mum, as I lived in South Africa for 6yrs, after 4yrs I had my first baby, but went home to have her, tying in my sister's wedding. I lived with my parents till my baby was 6weeks old, then returned to Sth Africa. During this time my mum really bonded with baby, holding her all the time & helping to care for her. So I now fully realise her pain when I left. When she returned home after the airport, she said to my dad on seeing the cot, "Oh, put that away, I can't look at it!" No Skype, FB, mobiles or even a home phone, only the post, so very cut-off.

When my D was 2yrs I persuaded my H to return to UK, so my D could know her nannies & granddads, aunties & uncles. I had a Son and we were very close to my mum & dad, but my H couldn't settle and we moved to Holland just after my Son's 1st birthday, so again I broke my mum's heart, but we visited each other all the time and phoned and always spent Xmas's together, either in Holland or UK. After divorce I returned to UK, near my parents, so at last my mum & dad had their GC on their doorstep and rest of family just 45mins away in London. But reading your stories has made me realise how my mum [& dad] must have missed us all so badly, but they never said!

Need to add to the above, that whilst living in Holland I had another D {now estranged} we had a special bond, or so I thought, as I delivered her myself, at home on my own without help. My C were 3,6 & 9 when their dad left for pastures new and then a year later we returned to UK and to their dear nannie & granddad.

Thanks for the flowers, but just to clarify, I didn't feel my post was sad, nor am I heartbroken. Rather, I see all the positives in my children and their families lives.
We all know we miss one another, love one another and we talk a lot about our feelings, and our different and independent lives.
This is how it is for us, so we get on with life within the existing circumstances.

In our case, distance has made all of our hearts grow fonder, and I do realise how fortunate I am that this is so.

I'm sorry there's such sadness for some of you.

My heart goes out to you Jasperis1 in particular, as it must be so much worse to have a son or daughter living close who has cut off all communication. A dear friend of mine is in that position, the son who lives reasonably close has stopped all contact with no explanation, whilst her other son and his family have emigrated to New Zealand. Luckilly they have been over as a family for a few weeks this year and one of the Grandsons stayed on with her for almost 6 weeks, whilst another came over a couple of years ago and stayed for a few months.

My eldest grandson has just returned from Japan where he did the third year of his Uni course. For some time we all felt he would eventually settle in Japan as he loves the country and now he has a lovely Japanese girlfriend we are even more certain of it. My DD and SiL went over earlier in the year and met the young lady and were very impressed, especially when she told my DD that she would be happy to live wherever he wanted to. She is coming over here for Christmas so will meet the rest of the family then. Of course all my DD's family, including his 2 brothers, will miss him terribly but are very proud of him and only want him to be happy. I told my DD that she should be proud of herself for giving him the confidence to take such a big step.

My estranged D&GC live just 5mins down the rd. and my Son just 45mins, but they may as well be in OZ or even on the Moon

Just read the post that says "families should be together".Now how do you manage that unless they marry the boy next door. Or perhaps the poster meant HER family should be together, even if it means splitting somebody else's. I'd be interested to hear how she sees that working.

Jayanna you appear to have just joined the conversation and having read all the posts, I assume you are referring to me.
I find your comment harsh. I was expressing pain as are virtually all posting here.
I do not have grandchildren yet. I feel for those who have told their stories here. It's bad enough having children on the other side of the world, I can see that I too may one day additionally miss seeing my grandchildren grow up.
Our family has been warm and close. We chat and laugh and play together. I miss that closeness but I recognise that life paths may take people apart despite their best intentions.
Why are people so horrible to each other? The warmth of my children has always been a bulwark. I've seen the nasty things that get said, even on a forum like this where you'd think people more likely to be kind, that's why I've lurked rather than posted. So easy to be nasty. Thank you to those who have expressed their dismay and pain or told of ways they cope, it helped me a lot. I won't post again. Well done Jay Anne, you've added to my pain. I wonder what your story is.

Azie Don't get chased off, I got chased off my thread for a while by unkind, cruel posters. For you

This is the first time I have commented on any subject but just want to add my thoughts. I totally understand how you feel - I have just said goodbye to my daughter and 2 grandsons who have been staying with me for a month and are now on their way back to Australia. It doesn't get any easier and at the moment I keep looking at photos from the past month wishing I could turn the clock back and have that time again - which I know is futile but at least they keep the memories fresh. Youngest one is 18 months and quite a character, older one is 4 and quite a conversationalist- I miss all the chatter and the house is so quiet. I'd give anything to have all the mess again, a bit trying at times but the youngest one could always make me laugh, something that seems to be missing when it's just me and my other half indoors. Still can't bear to take the sheet off the travel cot to wash it as I want to have that smell for a little longer (no, not a bad smell! haha). I know I have to get the house straight again - toys everywhere still, little bits of their food still in the fridge, sticky finger marks etc. etc. but still feel so sad. Suppose it's part and parcel of getting older - I keep wishing for the past when everyone seemed to stay near to family and life was at a slower pace. I know I have to feel happy for them, having such a nice life in Australia but it doesn't stop me feeling sad for myself - which I know sounds so selfish. What makes this seem even more ridiculous is that I have another 2 grandchildren who live not too far away so in that respect I am very lucky, but it was so nice to see all 4 of them together if only for a short time - just wish we could have that more often. If anything, it makes me determined to make the most of life now and to stop dwelling on what can never be. At 64 I am hopeful that I can do a bit more travelling and look forward, instead of looking back. Only blip at the moment is that hubby has health issues - so, in that respect it was hard for him to say goodbye knowing that he may have quite a major operation to contend with this year.
Anyway, enough of my moaning, I know in a few days time I will feel better and I know - after reading this back - that it sounds so pathetic, bearing in mind the awful things that happen in this world.
Just needed to get my thoughts out of my head as could not sleep a wink last night (thinking I would hear the baby crying). Right - note to self! - stop it now!! xx

Not pathetic or ridiculous at all - it would break my heart if my daughter emigrated.

Catwoman 22, my DD and her 3 children have just left after their annual visit from abroad, I do understand how you feel. Putting away the toys, stripping beds etc seems so final and the house so quiet. I am lucky they are only an 8hr flight away and DD tries to get back each year.
I try and focus on catching up with things I have ignored whilst they were staying, but it never gets any easier.

Everyone's story resonates with me in some sway.

I have a son who has been is Aus for over 10years has a great lifestyle and career. I try not to think about it too much as it would consume me.

He and his partner have decided not to have children.
I am very fortunate that I have been involved closely with the lives of my grandchildren(DDS + DIS) here in the UK.

I will never be able to visit due to serious health problems and we do FaceTime about 3times a year!...Christmas and birthdays!

He has such a full on lifestyle that they are away most weekends. I am excited for him that he is getting to live the life he wanted but I also know that he misses his family and I do not put pressure on him to feel that he has to worry about me in any way, because there is little he can do at that distance.

He comes home about once every 3years and is coming back early next year but I will probably see him for a couple of hours the whole time he is here as his partner's mother lives 150miles away and that is where they stay.

I just have to accept that that's the way but is is never easy.

I believe once you are a parent then you are a parent for life. However, my children are not children for life - they become adults with their own wishes, values, expectations and dreams.

Yes, I am sometimes sad if they live the other side of the world, but am happy that I brought them up to follow their own independent path. Surely that is what we strive for as we nurture them.

I am not devastated, angry or anything else. I just consider it a part of life's path and I am so happy and grateful that they are where they want to be.

We have 2 sons, one who cut us out of his and his children's lives almost 5 years ago and the other who went to live in Aus. just 4 months after the cut out happened.

We knew of course for some time before he and our Dd.i.l. went that they were going and I was finding it difficult to come to terms with. Then, when we lost our relationship with his brother the prospect of him living so far away filled me with horror.

We keep in regular contact, almost every week usually with skype and we visit them and they come back to the UK. DS always sends us cards on birthdays etc which he'd often forget to do when he lived close by.

We miss him terribly, probably more than we would have done if his brother was still a part of our lives. I weep for joy when we see him and he gives me that first hug and I feel each time we say goodbye that my heart is breaking.

We do worry about the future; as we get older and for financial and health reasons we wont be able to visit as often and there may come a time when we wont be able to go at all. We love the time that we do spend together. I've got about 8 voice messages saved so that I can listen to his voice when ever I'm really missing him; which is usually once a week!!

Yup Storynanny, I can't always bite my lip when people say how lucky to have one son in NZ and the other (and two GCs) in Perth. I do though sometimes point out that when i go to see them it's not a "holiday", it's a family visit. My DH is not their dad so normally I go on my own. It's expensive, and it takes at least 2 weeks to get over the trip. But I am lucky that I can go. I find that often something like FaceTime or Viber work better (on the iPhone) than Skype. Toughest times are when their lives are not going that well. Lots of people on here saying things like "they've got great jobs" etc- but over the last 10 years I have had to cope with one son having a serious cancer and the other one a whole range of stresses and worries. And they are both self-employed with no security that you get with a proper job. So I also sometimes want to snap at people who blithely say things like "of course they have a nice life". What helps? Reminding myself that my Gran coped with her second son emigrating to Canada in the 1950s, when there were no international phone calls or international jet-travel. And he went within 2 years of my father dying at 34. She made the best of what she had I think. Being busy, doing things for other people and living in the moment rather than dwelling on what might have been (aka mindfulness) all help. But I think sad moments are inevitable.

BlueBelle, Quite wise, needs repeating: "I know they ll spent all that money to travel to my funeral, and I know it will hurt them and they ll cry and want me back but it won't change me now, spend the money now and blow the funeral"

You are right wildswan we should be happy for our independent children and enjoy our own lives.

My grandson informed me yesterday that he intends to emigrate to Australia when he grows up. I'm already stressing about this.

I agree wildswan. But I have to admit that when they visit I hug them just a little longer and just a little tighter than if they were living in the next suburb!

Of course we do NannaM. And there are a few extra tears on leaving. But always proud of them.

I have been feeling really sad and very down since son announced he had got a job in London. He leaves his home town next weekend, with all his belongings packed into his friend's van. He is clearing out his flat today (Bank Holiday) and is working the rest of the week, so declined my offer of meeting for lunch because he is too busy. That is perfectly understandable.

I know - it's only London, a few hours away down the motorway, not the other side of the world, but I will miss his genial presence so much. He won't be back, and his weekends will be precious to him. Not only that, although he is very clever and has a good job, he hasn't had any lasting relationships. He has been left broken hearted twice in the last seven years and has also had counselling for depression, which he cannot shake off. He is a bit of a loner, very independent. I like to think that here, just two miles away, I can be a rock for him, even though we don't see each other very often. Add to that his chronic health problems which can cause hospitalisation at times, I am just so scared for him, so frightened that he is going off alone to start a new life with no one in it.

I feel bereft and slightly terrified but I know I am being stupid. My heart hurts. He doesn't know this. I am sending out all sorts of positive vibes about a new adventure, exciting future, new challenges and of course how well he's done to land this job.

However, he is still my boy, and always will be.

One other child works abroad and rarely comes hme or contacts me, and my daughter doesn't live very far away but sees much more of her in laws than she does of me. They see more of our grandchildren too. Stupid to be jealous but I feel she has grown away from me since she had children. Just recently I gathered them all together for a rare family lunch. (So hard to get them all together in the same place now.)

They all seemed to me like they would rather have been elsewhere. They were superficially pleasant but not particularly talkative or good company. I felt so deflated. The bonhomie and closeness I like to think we have was so lacking.

They all work hard and they all have busy social lives so I definitely feel that I have become a bit of a 'duty' or even a burden by wanting them to share their lives with me.

I was a single (divorced) mother and worked so hard to give them a good family life. We were a close little team. Now, there is a hole in my heart that hurts so much. They don't know about it. I was alone this weekend and not one of them even texted me.

I think I am asking too much. It hurt so much when one by one they left the family home, leaving their empty bedrooms behind (oh the heartache we all feel!) but now as fully fledged adults their lives don't really include me any more.

I must accept it and be glad they are all doing their own thing, but the sadness that I am an afterthought (and the particular worry for son number one) is eating me up.

So many posts here that I could relate too. I have found solace in reading them, knowing I am not alone in feeling as I do. I have a partner (not their father) and appreciate I must just get on with life but I feel so empty and low. Being a mother so pulls at the heart strings, forever, it would seem.

Sending good wishes to you, day6, especially today, it will get easier in time and console yourself that its only London and not overseas.

,

Day6. I don't for one minute think you're stupid. Of course your heart hurts. It's natural and, given time, will hurt less.

I've come to realise that expectations of how life will be when the children have grown and flown are not always as one would wish. I gather strength from understanding that their lives are theirs to live now, and to take a step back.

As time has gone by, and my sons have matured and become fathers, the love and affection between us has grown, not diminished, but it takes time, openness and trust.