daughter in law problems

My son and gd, my daughter and gds are coming to me, on the day, for the first time in over 25 years! For various reasons, but no fall outs, we just all did our own thing.
It's just one day.
However, I'm SO excited

We are going to my DS and DiL's (by her invitation). Apparently they were asked by friends to go to them for Christmas but our two DGDs kicked up a fuss and said they wanted to be at home and wanted us to be there or it wouldn't be a proper Christmas. Feel very lucky to have such a kind and generous hearted DiL.

We shall have New Year's day with DD and family as she has to have her very difficult MiL to stay and refuses to inflict her on us. (She's a drinker).

M and MiL's can cause so many problems, my own M was a nightmare about Christmas as she didnt like it and made sure everyone knew. My own C do their thing now and we see them at another time.

I have just noticed Gagas sentence about having to have MiL, we had to have my M. That is were the resentment sets in. We always tried to ignore her behaviour but mostly it was impossible.

My GD is now 14 and I have never seen her and her dad (DS1) at Christmas. She naturally wants to be with her mum and sisters (different fathers) and they are about a 5 hour drive away. I often have the other two sons, plus my sister. In fact sometimes it would be nice to spend the time alone!
Likewise, we are not expecting to see our lovely GS as DSD will probably be seeing her mum (DH's ex) and her partners parents, who all live close. I'm sure we will get to see them at some time over the xmas period though.
It's never really bothered me.

whereamI555

I understand fully your frustration and maybe hurt. When my son got together with his then girlfriend 14 years ago, she made it clear to him that her family came first and they soon moved to be near her parents. My son accepted this from the start. So I used to get a weekend in January but never Christmas nor the New Year. Its painful and I spend Christmas with other relatives or friends but I really want to spend it with my DS and DiL and my 4 lovely DGDs.
All I can say is head down, do other things, hope that when the children are older they will make their minds up but I would suggest not challenging in case things get worse. But thats only my opinion - others may have got somewhere by asking for fairness.

Wonderful result and thank goodness you have a loving DS who listened whereamI555...

All this talk of Christmas dinner has made me fancy sprouts with my dinner tonight!

Enjoy.

Pleased things are sorted now and you are happy with outcome.

When my DDs got married I said that under no circumstances would I get hurt or upset if they did not spend Christmas with us. I would not be jealous if they went to The in laws and if they came it would be a delight and a pleasure. Over the years I have had them here and organised somewhere to stay for all of us . Christmas is not just another day for me but just because they are not with me doesn't make it less special. Last year we went to a glorious hotel in the Lake District and had some wonderful food. This year we have been invited to DD2.

What is your relationship like with your DiL the rest of the year and why is an invite at Christmas so vital to you? Many people are separated from loved ones at special times of the year for all sorts of reasons but use the opportunities when they are able to meet up positively and gratefully. Don't waste your time and energy resenting what you obviously can't have, make the most of what you can.

Christmas is supposed to be about the birth of Christ not a power struggle among relations and in laws. If for some reason you can't spend it with your family help out at a Salvation Army event or at a Hospice.

Well said Patricia61, its good to put our own lives in perspective & think about the bigger picture, which most of us forget to do as often as we should or could .

So sorry for this situation Is it just xmas that she refuses your invitation or does she make excuses for other invitations you offer.Can you and husband not go away for this Xmas then later have a chat with son, put your cards on the table and ask he be honest and tell you why DIL does not appear to want your company.?

Stangran, your approach from the outset is precisely why you have enjoyed Christmas with your family.

It baffles me that sometimes posters can't see that this is often the best way to approach family issues. Relaxed, what will be will be and ever loving.

There's some great advice on here already.

Our way around things is to have a Christmas day at ours about a week before Christmas. We treat this exactly like Christmas day with the full works, Christmas dinner and presents around the tree.

Christmas isn't just about two days, it can last all through December.

Pleased you have resolved your worries, whereami, wishing you all well.

Invite them all to you - I'm sure its worth a day of big smile grins for your DIL parents to enjoy this special day with your grandson isn't it?

It always comes back to "a daughter's a daughter for all of her life....."

Some daughters, some sons. Not all.

These youngsters lead busy lives these days. However, I know how you feel because we have the same problem with one of our dil. Either they go to her parents or vice versa. We keep asking but what we have done recently is ask them to come to us on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. It might be worth a try. I can understand them wanting the children to be able to play with their new presents. Another way you could get round it is to invite them to yours for New Years Day? Have a second Christmas then.

Your son is the problem. He should see how unfair it is and he is the one who should do something about it. Unfortunately some dils are like this. It's something I can't understand.

Glad that you have sorted things out OP - that is great news - Happy Christmas in advance!

We have no idea where we will be spending Christmas - but we know our DDs would not let us be on our own and their husbands are kind and always welcoming; so we just go with the flow.

And again I'm am thankful for having SIL's and no DIL's. I have always told my Daughters and son they must do what they so wish at Christmas, as long as I see them in person to hand over their gifts for them and GC. This year we are altogether as we are treating the entire family to Christmas lunch out,including DD's MIL,who else would be alone. I no longer have the space nor energy for cooking vast Xmas Dinners.

This is my first time on here, obviously reading all the posts looking for answers but don't think I shall find them. Just fallen out with my son and his partner. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest, not being able to see our 2 grandsons is killing me. I love both my kids more than anything and now my son has suddenly become a stranger. Not sure what to do

So sorry that you've fallen out with your son and d.i.l. Misty. I understand that feeling of having your heart ripped out of your chest; we've been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for 4 years now.

There was no fall out, no argument; we were gradually side lined before being cut out all together. All you can do is try and talk to your son, if you don't know why this has happened ask him and see if there's some way of sorting out what ever the problem may be.

There are few justifications for denying GP's their GC and GC their GP's. Might it be possible to see the children even if your son and d.i.l. prefer not to spend time with you?

Our ES told his brother 4 months ago that he had no recollection of ever telling us we'd never see our GC, so I emailed him and asked if we could see them; still waiting for his answer. I hope if you make a similar request you have more success.