Should I be defined by my children?

Hi Ruby I am going through same. I divorced 2 years ago after a 40 year marriage. I went off the rails and started drinking to block out the misery. I did some awful things which has resulted in my daughter not talking to me. I had a very close relationship with my 8 year old Grandaughter it is breaking my heart that I am not seeing her. I have tried to make things right but my daughter won't let me in. I have have to wait it out and hope. My daughter gets married in April and at the moment I am not invited to her wedding.

I'm heartbroken to as I to did my very best for my three children and one hasn't had any contact with us for over 5yrs. She lives not far away and she won't open her door to me (her sister hasn't been round to even try) all phone numbers are blocked we believe her brother lives quite a long way away and misses contact with her through text. We have no explanation and there hasn't been a row or anything. She lives alone. I don't know if you live where you can phone Healthy Minds but they are wonderful and give lots of help and support over the phone or for people who can get out and about they run group support. It's all free no cost. I really know what u are going through I really do.

What a loving and supporting lot of ladies you all are!
Thank you for being there - although I don't need advice, I now know that I can count on you to give sensitive and gentle advice.
As one of you says, each child is different. In my case, DS2 is very caring affectionate and in touch regularly, DS1 lives in India and contacts us occasionally. DD on the other hand, lives the other side of the country and it is sometime 6 weeks before we hear from her, in fact her brother tells us what is going on from FB [which I am deliberately not a friend to give my DC space]. We do call occasionally but I don't want to appear to be a needy mother; or have her call me from duty everyday/week as was expected from me by my demanding, dependent parents...
Baggage carried, views of events depend on the viewer.

Ruby have a look at Meet-up.com. you will see groups in every area of the nation who welcome singles into a very wide range of interest and activity groups. All very safe. Whatever interests you have there will be a group of like-minded souls. As for the DC I love mine to bits but sometimes I dont like them. That's family life. I sometimes now reflect how thoughtless I was to my mother, I could have been so much nicer to her.

I am sure children should come with a manual on how they work! All parents are pretty much thrown in at the deep end and just muddle through glad to survive in my experience so in my case it's lucky either of mine survived! We have had our ups and downs but eventually it seems they come round to adopting the core values we gave them.
I know where you are coming from with wanting to clean out your head, I want to sometimes too, especially about 3am when you are certain you are the only person in the world awake! I also understand being defined by A's wife, B's mother etc , when it became obvious that was how they saw me too I quit, moved out and rebuilt my life (still working on the self esteem). I would just say my children were grown by then but still took if fairly badly at the time. They now see me as a person in my own right with hopes and dreams of my own.
I am not suggesting anything as drastic but maybe, if you are physically able to get about, joining a class or a club, doing some volunteer work, anything that gets you into the company of other people will help you in my experience

Best of luck

Well done Ruby and I'm so glad everyone has been kind and constructive on this thread. You sound like you have a good plan for going forward. Good luck

Ask a friend or neighbour to help you interview prospective lodgers. We got lodgers via the local US army base but many large employers look for lodgings. Some estate agents are seeking lodging and they do the vetting for you but I'm afraid some agents don't live up to the trust we place in them

BlueBelle you are very forgiving of the occasional sharp tongued contributors who kick people when they're down. I've been on the receiving end and don't understand it, let alone forgive. My Mum raised me with "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all". Yes we all have a different take on things we read here and varying levels of tact, but we should picture the OP sitting silent and vulnerable, praying for help out of the pit they are in.

The lodger idea is OK with the greatest of care. A widowed friend of mine put out feelers a couple of years ago and acquired a teacher at a local school who didn't want to move his own children as they were in the middle of GCSE and A levels. He departs on Friday evenings to go home and comes back late Sunday evening. Housetrained, courteous and helpful (he has done lots of little DIY jobs around the house) and stays out of the way if she has friends round.
The benefits to her are quite clear - she is much happier and less worried about her safety. She likes the weekends and told me recently that from Friday evening to Sunday she can eat all the baked beans and brussel sprouts she likes and fart to her heart's content! I nearly wet myself laughing when she said that.

Rubylady as one who has been in a similair situation I feel for you.My eldest daughter 'walked away from me' five years ago, when her father was so ill, and I had asked her over the phone to come and visit him as she only lived a hundred miles away and I offered to pay her travelling costs instead of giving me advice on what I should be doing about his care.I could not stand her shouting at me over the phone so put the phone down.
I have no idea where she is, my emails went unanswered.
I have to accept she will not be in contact although she was very friendly with a distant relative she always seemed to prefer this relative to her own family and I am she this distant person knows where she is.I will not contact this relative in fear I might hear something I do not want to hear.The question I have put to my self over and over is what did I do wrong?

Yes we are all mums together.

Children don't come with handbooks telling us what to do. We just do our best to bring them up as healthy and happy individuals, but all sorts of things contribute to their development, over which we have no control. Don't be hard on yourself, Rubylady, you are a person too!

Ruby I think you have empty nest syndrome, my children are in their 40s now and I know what you mean about wanting to clean your head out. I miss my children but they are now adults and I think that your job as a parent is to produce an independent adult, this you have done with both your children. I agree with other posters about sons and lack of contact. Also I think mobile phones make you worry when you don't get an immediate reply. When I left home my parents didn't have a phone at home.
I think you might feel differently when your son comes home and clutters up your space hogs the tv, leaves cups and plates around. He will be use to living the way he wants to and that can be a cause of friction. He left your child but will come back as a young man who you may or may not want to stay. I love my son and daughter but I am glad when they go home and I have my space back.

If your local schools do exchanges, sometimes the teachers need accommodation. Yours, ruby, seems perfect. Register with them.
Uni students? not all a beer swilling. Youngsters needing somewhere to live after being ditched by foster parents? or "grown-ups" these days need somewhere to live. your local church may help.

Ruby I feel for you but you are not defined by your children. Its not whether they end up with well paid jobs and all the trappings but how they treat people and their morals. My own son looks a total yob , dreadlocks and a piercing, he looks like you wouldn't wNt to meet him in a dark street but he is the kindest, most caring and gentliest of men, something that he had learnt from me and his grand parents. He was brought up never to swear in front of woment and children and still holds this belief, and care about people. He does't contact me that much, about once a week maybe but I know if I need him he will be there. My daughter on the hand has at times refused to see me, been out when we arrange to go over (110 miles round trip) but I just waited it out and now after a good few years we are back on track. You do your best to feed, clothe, educate and instill morals into them so they can lead a decent life. You cant do anymore, as my dad use to say no one is perfect except an idiot who believes he is! Good luck

I would also echo the thought that it is as wrong to blame ourselves for our children's shortcomings as it is to bask in the reflected glory of their successes. We did our best to raise them, making mistakes along the way.

((Hugs)) Ruby, being a mum is blooming tough sometimes. We spend a lot of parenting time winging it so it's not surprising sometimes things go awry.
I'm pretty sure most of us have had bumpy times and we all do our very best with the circumstances that surround us.

I'm sure you were the best mum you could be and I have to remind myself of this too. You raise your children to be independent and that's as much as you can do, the rest is up to them.

It's time for you to come first; I sympathise re the empty nest syndrome but now' your time to shine.

???? whatever it takes to spoil yourself a little x

I've been reading these posts and it makes me feel very grateful.

I'm a step mother to a male and female and now that they're grown up we all get along fine. BUT.....

We've had our rough times when first the male "fell out" with us for a few years over something very trivial and it made me very angry at the time because of the effect it had on his father, my husband. It was a dreadful time to go through....

Then out of the blue he had a phone call from his son about 6 years later saying he wanted him to meet his grand daughters !!
We both took it very slowly rebuilding the broken relationship and now are very good friends and very close to each other.

A year later my husbands daughter "fell out" with us, again over something trivial !
Two years later she got in touch and was very apologetic and now we are all good friends again.

The brother and sister haven't got a relationship with each other and we don't interfere with that. It's up to them to do what's right for them.

So all I can say is that Time can sometimes make things better.

We didn't know what each one was going through during the time we were estranged but do now, which helps us to understand.

Both have apologised in different but genuine ways and all is now well.

I'm sorry for anyone who's going through a difficult time with their offspring and can only say again...."It will pass with time"

In the meantime try to find an interest that will occupy your time and mind and try to think positive thoughts about your offspring and pray for them that they will be kept safe and happy.

Dear Ruby Lady

If you intend to get a lodger this might be a good place to start:
www.shareandcare.co.uk/sharers/

Ooooh rubylady just what if you decide on a lodger and then you realise your privacy is gone? Needs awful lot of thought.its your home.your sanctuary....take time to think it out properly!!?

sarahhellen ..exactly the same as myselfm daughter no contact coming up 10 years..Literally overnight, disappeared,,only 'contact' is through her friends and LinkedIn .. whenever I find her current address I simply send a card on birthdays ad Christmas. The only photo I have of her in all this time is one I found online via Companies House so I was able to look up her new company ! Never mind ..its her life ! I did once say ona postcard that she should know, being a lawyer, that even a criminal is able to defend themselves ! The happiest and most content friends I have are those who have no children ! some have nephes and nieces ..some are simply using their retirement worrying only where to go on the next holiday !

I find its the mums that define themselves by their children or grandchildren especially at Xmas when they boast about how many they have.

I joined a Music Appreciation Class and we all had to introduce ourselves. We were mostly women and it started, one after another
My name is ...I have 1,2,3,4,5 children and so on. The men there didn't say anything about how many children they had, just what instrument they played or what music they liked.
I followed their example.

Some children do tend to blame parents and others with awful parents seem to make an effort to get on with them. Life is long and many difficult children come to their senses when they are older.

Some wonderful posts from Gransnetters. Such compassion for Ruby. I have a son who isn't nice to me, but my friends tell me I'm a good egg, so I assure myself that one day he may understand his old mum, who has only tried to do her best in the role of mother.

Rubylady I really do sympathise with you. It is a horrible situation for you. I have written posts about the same problem on another GN forum. Children can be so unforgiving and harsh. They know nothing of the problems that may have occurred in a marriage and I tried not to bad mouth my DC's Dad to them. Maybe they should know what went wrong and they might understand a bit better but that would mean my youngest DD would have to know things about her deceased Dad that would hurt and upset her as she loved him so much.
As a mum of 3, I only have contact with one of my DC. She is the youngest but most mature of them. My eldest girl has cut us all out of her life and my son has recently done the same after a big argument. Both behaved in a bullying way to me, my DD and my husband (not their Dad). They did it separately and now don't have contact with us or each other. They never accepted me and their Dad splitting up and never accepted my husband who is a really good, honest and fair man. We have a lovely family relationship with our remaining shared DC and DGC.
But it is so hard as a parent to not have contact with beloved children who you had so much joy in when they were young and did so many lovely things with. It is not the natural way of things to not be speaking to your kids and to lead completely separate lives. I find it difficult when in company and the talk is about family stuff and kids, I feel I can't join in because it feels shameful not to have a good relationship with my children. It is a very isolating problem and even though I do get out and do lots of things I still feel alone and have a deepseated sadness that will never go away. I feel so sorry for everyone going through this and send my love and blessings. ? Xxxxx

There must be a reason. Did you say, do anything to make them be like this? Best thing to do is ask imo.

You shouldn't feel disappointed in your children ,they must live their lives their way.If you can accept that and support them through the ups and downs then thats being a good mother .I've still got a 28 year old living at home with his 7 year old daughter,some might think he's a failure and thats up to them.I know he works hard and is a great dad,I know his ex was the one who strayed and thats why he left and I know that no matter what anyone else thinks of him I'll always be proud he's my son .My daughter also had a broken marriage ,been bankrupt because of it and rebuilt her life.Sometimes I wish they'd had life easier but I'm never been disappointed in them ,they are both people with hearts of gold and thats worth far more than stacks of cash in my eyes

Oh rubylady, having read the thread, I don't think there's anything I can add. Such a lovely, kind, encouraging messages. I can only say that I've had my problems with my children too and as they've got older, things have improved no end. to you and lots of encouraging thoughts sent your way from the other side of the world.