Should I be defined by my children?

Hi Rubyladt
Reading your first post was a bit like ' oh me, that sounds like me'. Although I have two daughters, no son. Like you I also have health problems that affect my mobility and I have suffered quite severe depression since having to give up work. My two daughters still talk to me and generally we have a good relationship but, they don't have the same take on life that I had with my family when I was their ages. We always had either my mum or mother in law round for Sunday lunch, took them out for celebration times like Mother's Day, invited them round at Xmas. My kids would rather spend their time with their own family 'their own children' which I find quite hurtful at times. It has been hard but I have had to try and forge myself a new life. I have joined a knitting group, helped start up a new peer support group in our town and attended courses re my mental health. It hasn't been easy and I still have times when my mood drops to the floor and I have come to hate times like Xmas as I don't know if I will be included in their plans. I am lucky to have a hubby and dog for company. Strangely enough though, when my hubby and I mooted the idea of moving to Spain (the heat is better for my health) my Eldest daughter refused to discuss it and was dead against it, so deep down she must want me nearby. Kids, you do your best, but at the end of the day you have to let them get on with their own lives and hope they will leave a little spot for you. Take care xx

Ruby don't worry they will come back but could hurt you again, so you need to be strong, mind you I am sitting here typing this and my son who is 40 has just sent me a text laying down conditions for him to be nice to me and that includes not being involved with his ex wife , the fact the wanted a divorce and has moved an hour away from his children, and I step in to help out , doesn't figure , the ultimatum is hurtful and I don't know what to do as I didn't bring him up to be cruel

Hello RUBYLADY. I'm sorry you are hurting so. Try not to blame - either yourself, or your children. I've often found that it dams up the possibilities. Time may well sort the issues out. You always sound like a jolly nice lady in your posts on here.
When I read about your plans I thought "Way to go!" Rubylady, but the concerns over selecting a lodger carefully are helpful.
I too have done courses with FutureLearn and have found them absorbing and useful balm when things get worrying. You get to post your thoughts and ideas on there around what you are learning, and build up rapport with your fellow learners. There is no outside pressure - you can take the learning at your own pace. The range of subjects is incredible.
Good luck to you. I hope you find that car and can get yourself out and about as well.

As ever, there's lots of helpful advice on here. We've been through this (or similar) with our sons around six years ago. We are now through it and back on track with sons and their families. We were heartbroken, but just kept in touch, albeit a light touch at first, then gradually rebuilt the relationships from a low base. That shows it can be done. From where we are now, we see that the issues were more to do with where they were in their lives at that time. Just stay true to yourself and your values, and keep the lines of communication open, without recriminations as far as you can. It will probably work out given time. Best wishes (flowers)

Oops, wrong sort of brackets,

Ruthiek, be strong with your son and dont't let him lay the law down. He is not being nice to you now. you might find that there is a time when he needs you but at the moment I think you ex dil and gc need you in their life and your support

There is a real generation shift. My mother's generation did much less in terms of childcare and financial help. My mother used to say that she wouldn't babysit because she had worked hard bringing us up and now was her time. I did so much for my daughter and grandsons but Oh 'Tis sharper than a serpents tooth to have a thankless child' etc. She was always criticising and often very angry with me. She used to say I was a terrible mother which was ironic because I used to have the kids before and after school. In the hols and cook for all of them. (she is a hard working single parent) It was awful, so one day I just stopped. I still do the necessary stuff but refuse to do extra and have now got my own life to enjoy.

Or a cat?

No, you should never allow anyone to define you. Many mothers allow that to happen when the children are young, and then it continues into their adulthood and it is then very difficult to disentangle your very own self from the amalgam.

Perhaps those of us who returned to work after some time mya find it easier to preserve their own self- on the whole.

There are exceptions. DDiL's mother celebrated her 80th birthday at the weekend with a tea party for friends. DH and I were invited but, as we do not live in the area did not know, and were not known to all her local friends.

I spent the whole afternoon, as did DH, introducing ourselves as DS's mother/father. Defined by our child!!!

Rubylady

I am sad to hear your problem. Many of us are in the same boat as you. I too have a son who hasn't spoken to me for over 2 years. What is worse is that his children, 21 and 18 do not speak to me either., They live in the flat above mine! I have a younger son who lives some distance away but he phones and visits me and his wife is lovely. Sometimes it is the person they marry who is the problem. In my case this is so. No worries. Please do not make yourself ill. I have just been told I have cancer and friends tell me that the cause is stress. Thank God I had a wonderful husband and our marriage was 50 years until he died. Look after yourself. God bless.

Sylvia Davis.

Rubylady

I am sad to hear your problem. Many of us are in the same boat as you. I too have a son who hasn't
spoken to me for over 2 years. What is worse is that his children, 21 and 18 do not speak to me either., They live in the flat above mine! I have a younger son who lives some distance away but he phones and visits me and his wife is lovely. Sometimes it is the person they marry who is the problem. In my case this is so. No worries. Please do not make yourself ill. I have just been told I have cancer and friends tell me that the cause is stress. Thank God I had a wonderful husband and our marriage was 50 years until he died. Look after yourself. God bless.

Sylvia Davis.

We can only do our best to be parents, circumstances often mean we are unable to do as much as we would wish. If we give our children the best start we can then the rest must be up to them. Once they reach adulthood then they take on their own responsibilities. Don't take on their issues as your own now, you have done what you can so enjoy your life and have some fun.