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daughters who wont make up,,,,spoiling my life what can i do

(39 Posts)
angiebaby Thu 15-Dec-16 19:04:41

my grown daughters still do not talk to each other,,,this has been going on for a couple of years now, each christmas i have to go see one one day one the next.this splits the grandteens up....one girl says you must respect my wishes i dont want to spend christmas with the boyfreind who is new on the scene,,,,i had them all round the table last new years day i put my foot down,,,it was a crap christmas not all being together,,,,this year will be the same,,,it was like treading on eggshells, why should we be like that in our own house......my hubby said we will cut them out of our will....we have spent tons of money on them ......i have tried everything so what do i do to end this feud between them, they dont even want to talk it out between them,......i just want to run away.......people will say let them get on with it,,,,,,easy to say but not so easy to do.....help please,

aggie Thu 15-Dec-16 19:16:08

Poor Angie , I would just have none of them on the day and go out to a nice hotel for a change , do you see much of then the rest of the year ? Christmas is just another Sunday dinner when you think it through . I doubt you will make much headway if they are determined to keep up the feud

Ankers Thu 15-Dec-16 19:23:39

They probably enjoy the feud. You are a bit stuck then.Are they a bit spoilt?
Money[or lack of it] might just make them see sense.

Luckygirl Thu 15-Dec-16 20:01:11

This is horrid - I do feel for you. One of the greatest joys in my life is that my 3 DDs would cut off their right arms for each other. I do not know why they are so close; we have just been lucky. I cannot think what I would feel if we were in your situation - you have all my sympathy, you really do.

Do you know what set all this off?

flowers

Christinefrance Thu 15-Dec-16 21:13:48

Have a break from it all. Tell them you will spend Christmas on your own as it will be more enjoyable and relaxing than constantly trying not to upset anyone.
Token gifts all round and tell them to sort it out. Sometimes tough love is needed and as parents we cannot always be popular.
Enjoy a quiet Christmas with your husband.

Bibbity Thu 15-Dec-16 22:45:31

You can not dictate their relationships.
For whatever reason. They as adults have decided not to have each other in their lives.
You need to have two independent relationships with them. Treat each one as if the other does not exist.
No one is forcing you to do anything. Go to one or the other or neither.
It is not your place to try and force them to socialise. Unless this is what they both want it could seriously backfire and you could become collateral damage to one or both of them.

rubysong Thu 15-Dec-16 23:02:00

Do try to keep good relationships yourself with both of them, don't talk about one to the other and just hope they can sort it out in the fullness of time. I have two nieces (sisters) who do not speak to each other and I know launching in and trying to get them together would backfire on my relationships with them. I hope one day they will realise what they are missing and will settle their differences.

gillybob Thu 15-Dec-16 23:17:47

Oh I feel for you Angiebaby. I really do. I agree with those who say you should try not to get involved with their arguments with each other and try your best to maintain an independent relationship with each of them. (Easier said than done I can imagine) . If either of them "bad mouth" the other in front of you just say that you do not want to listen to "their side of the argument" and tell them that you have said the same to their sister. Maybe you do sympathies with one more than the other deep down but you really need to try not to let this show. Is there perhaps something quite serious happened that you don't know about? Or is it just a case of two spoiled sisters who each think they are right and won't be the one to back down. Is there some jealousy involved? Is one better off (financially or lifestyle) than the other perhaps? Either way, such a shame for you, DH and the wider family too. sad

Humbertbear Thu 15-Dec-16 23:43:55

Hard as it may be, you can't dictate the relationship between grown up children. My older sister and I wouldn't dream of spending Christmas Day or any other day in the same house. I explained to my mother years ago that I could not play happy families with my sister when she is liable to scream at me for no reason and has made me ill in the past. If you have a good relationship with each daughter separately why not settle for that and enjoy two days en famille? My husband and his siblings all got on well but his mother realised it was much better to see each couple with their children on different days when she could enjoy their company and have quality time with them.

Floriatosca Fri 16-Dec-16 02:22:05

How I can relate to this very sad situation. I have three adult sons. The eldest and youngest do not speak to each other and this has been going on for over ten years. I do not get involved and do not ask them why it happened although I know it was very acrimonious at the start. We had a family business and feel sure there were grievances there. It breaks mine and my husband's hearts. What can you do? I say I respect their right not to speak to each other but secretly I absolutely hate confrontation and just cannot face addressing their problem after so long a time. It is the most horrible "elephant in the room". Christmas/birthdays/Mother/Father days all have to be celebrated twice to accommodate both sides. Son in the middle stays neutral. My husband recently had a heart attack. During this worrying time I realised the awfulness of the situation even more. I was worried about visiting times at the hospital and stressed myself out worrying how I would cope if sons came face to face. As I get older I worry about if my husband dies before me how I will handle the uusituation of a dysfunctional family getting together. This scenario happened to me at my mother's funeral and it was dreadful. I am sad beyond belief that this has happened to my family. Coming from a dysfunctional family I was resolutely determined that when I had my family I would work very hard to ensure we were happy and united. While we were all at home we had a most lovely and united family. Sadly now this has broken down and there is simply no resolution in sight. It would not be so awfully bad if on important family occasions they could just meet and be civil to each other - for our sakes if nothing else. My husband is 70 next year. I am torn between saying that I am not planning a special celebration as we cannot all be together at the same time and let them know why. Our sons do not know how very sad we are about this heartbreaking situation. I do not want them to feel blackmailed or put under pressure to speak to each other again. As adults I respect their rights to their own opinions...but what about ours?

Lisalou Fri 16-Dec-16 05:58:20

I feel for you and I am sorry you are going through this. I am afraid it happens. I am on the other side of this one, as it is my husband who does not speak to his eldest and middle brother. In our case, his mother pretty much sides with them and they do not care if my husband is not involved in family events, and I think it is very sad, as I am an only child and would give teeth to have brothers or sisters.
I sometimes wonder why my MIL doesnt seem to give a toss that her youngest son is not wanted, and I know my husband would love to be part of the family, but it is simply not meant to be. If we all got together, my husband would be heckled by his two older siblings until he lost his temper and then he would be blamed for the upset. We do speak to the sister, and we have a slowly growing relationship with her, but I cannot see the happy family card ever coming into be.

Luckylegs9 Fri 16-Dec-16 06:10:45

What an awful situation to be in, I really feel for you. Know several people whose adult children do not speak to each other, but they see them at different times. I am no expert on family dynamics, but if I had a husband, I think I would just have those important occasions like Christmas and big birthdays with him, If one or the other ask why, I woukd say you love them both equally and know you mustn't get involved, it is for them to sort out, but you find it stressful. Please all look after your health first, nothing worse than this kind of stress especially as you get older, it is out of your hands what they do. ๐Ÿ’

loopylou Fri 16-Dec-16 07:04:47

My two sisters haven't spoken to each other for at least 18 years, no one knows what caused it in the first place.
It's so bad that if one's visiting my parents the other will turn round and walk out. It breaks my mother's heart.
One sister has now stopped talking to me (god knows why, I don't!), won't answer the phone, return calls, reply to texts etc. She's ignored my DH's birthday this year so obviously he's persona non grata too!
Her husband is incredibly rude, always has been; he ignores my DM, just talks to DF ๐Ÿ˜ณ. Luckily I rarely see him but her behaviour is puzzling.
As DM said, she's always had to be right about everything and anything so perhaps that's behind it?

My other DSis is absolutely her opposite thankfully.

gillybob Fri 16-Dec-16 08:35:42

It sounds like your sister has told her DH something about your mother loopylou . True or not and they are holding it against you and other sister too. Obviously the husband will speak to yours as perhaps not involved in whatever it is/was. Families eh? tchsad

loopylou Fri 16-Dec-16 09:38:23

Absolutely gillybob, who'd have them!
I just stay out of it, smile sweetly and say nowt ๐Ÿ™‚

Blinko Fri 16-Dec-16 09:44:45

What a dilemma. But are you allowing them to spoil your life because of your own expectations? Put another way, are your expectations of the ideal family (we all have those) getting in the way of enjoying each DD separately on their terms? I read somewhere that we can choose how we respond to any given situation, for good or ill. Would it work for you to look at it another way and accept the situation, which you cannot change?

Why should you be miserable? it's not your doing. flowers

angiebaby Fri 30-Dec-16 15:36:32

hello girls,,,,thank you all so very much for all your lovely comments, i will heed the advice,,,,,i had a crap christmas again...all alone,,,on top of it all i have been ill, spent it in bed, im still recovering, one girl came for 5 minutes christmas day,,,,,the other not atall, they both knew i was ill,....we had been invited out for xmas dinner with a group ,,,i wasnt well so i told the hubby to go,,,so he was gone for 5 hours christmas day, to be honest i was glad of the peace and quiet, one of them said,,,im dreading sorting this house out when you both go...with her !!!........so now thats on my mind. guess i should leave it all to a charity.that would shut them all up. anyway i will leave them to get on with it like you al said,,,but my heart is brocken didnt want my family to be like this,...pleased im not alone, bless you all...and lets hope its a happier new year, i wish you all good health, xxxxangiebaby,

Christinefrance Fri 30-Dec-16 16:00:23

Oh dear angiebaby what an awful time at Christmas. Hope you are feeling better now. Your children are adults now leave them to sort out their own lives and get on with yours.
Make 2017 the year you do things for yourself that you enjoy. You are not responsible for keeping the entire family happy,you deserve some thought too.
Good luck flowers

rosesarered Fri 30-Dec-16 17:51:21

Some good advice on here for you angie a lot of grown up siblings don't get on with each other.Do have them on different days and accept that they don't want to mix.Who knows what the future holds though, they may make up, but if they don't, it is their choice as adults.Do not blame yourself.

Wendysue Fri 30-Dec-16 18:08:55

Angie, I'm so sorry. It must hurt so much to see 2 people that you love very much turn against each other this way! I'm glad you're taking the advice from this board to stay out of it and see them separately, etc.

Sorry you weren't feeling well this year though I don't see it as a "crappy Christmas" since you chose to send hubby off and enjoyed "the peace and quiet." It was probably just what you needed.

It's a shame, though, that your DDs didn't spend much time with you that day, even knowing you were sick (and one of them not at all!). I can't imagine doing that to my mom! But, sad to say, maybe it's CUZ you were feeling ill that they stayed away. Cuz they didn't want to deal with that or, to give them the benefit of the doubt, cuz they didn't think they should bother you.

It could also be (sigh) that since nothing was specifically planned, each one was afraid of running into the other there.

I hope they resolve their issues in time, but unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to make that happen. Just hoping you feel better soon and have a great New Year, regardless of your DDs problems!

Wendysue Fri 30-Dec-16 18:12:43

I feel for others here with similar issues, too, Loopylou, I agree that your sister must have said something to her DH about your DM and maybe you, as well (sigh). I don't know why she turned on you, but maybe she sees your effort to keep up relationships with both sisters as a betrayal of her, unfortunately. That's not true, of course, but if that's how she sees it (sigh), oh well. Nothing you can do about that.

Just glad you're staying out of all the tensions. I think you and your DM are just going to have to adjust to this glitch in your family relationships, avoid the negativity as much as you can and just go on with your own lives. Hope you all have a very Happy New Year!

hulahoop Fri 30-Dec-16 18:20:24

Angie some good advice given look after yourselves I know lots of people who have
Family on different days for different reasons I like mine to get together but do like to see them separately as well so I can give more one to one attention to them . Hope you feeling better .

Mumsy Sat 31-Dec-16 09:17:31

My three adult kids havent spoken to each other in years, the last time they were all in the same room together was nearly 8 years ago at their dads funeral!! I used to act as a go- between but not any more, I let them get on with it as its not my argument but theirs!

Lovey Sun 08-Jan-17 14:12:27

They are living their lives as they see fit. Cutting out of the will is spiteful. If you intended to be vengeful, congratulations for showing them why the feud won't end.

rosesarered Sun 08-Jan-17 16:25:28

I think you have exactly the right attitude Mumsy smile