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We talk less, should I worry?

(38 Posts)
SunnySusie Mon 19-Dec-16 08:58:37

Do you ever find yourself running out of things to say when you are on your own with your DH? We are retired and have been together for over thirty years, but seem to have run out of conversations. I would be interested to hear what others in the same boat feel. Do you still find plenty to chat about? I cant work out if I should be concerned about this or not.

Antonia Mon 19-Dec-16 09:07:29

My DH and I often sit in a comfortable silence. I don't think it is anything to worry about. I think men tend to talk (in my limited experience) when there is something practical to talk about, they don't tend to chat like women do. If I want a general chat about life in general, I ring my sister.

Jan51 Mon 19-Dec-16 09:13:45

No we don't have a lot of conversation. He is usually watching TV or on the computer and shows little interest in things that I want to talk to him about but constantly talks AT me about sport or tv programmes that I don't watch. I don't find it a problem it is just the way we are and I like doing my own thing.

Christinefrance Mon 19-Dec-16 09:20:04

Yes we are comfortable with silence. I do think tablets and smart phones have something to do with it as well. Having said that we often share things we have found, I like to read and get immersed so no good talking to me. My husband is relentlessly cheerful in the mornings and I am not, oh dear we don't sound suited at all do we.
We do share some interests and discuss those a lot, we have separate families so try to keep each other updated on what is happening with them.Agree with previous poster, if I want a chat I usually call a girlfriend.
It works for us and we are happy.

Greyduster Mon 19-Dec-16 09:29:14

Same here. Oddly, he is worse, and the only time I find it really irritating, when we are out walking. As soon as we are outside the front door almost, he will lapse into stony silence and I get barely a word out of him. It's not that he's doing something he doesn't want to do - the walk may have been at his suggestion. If I talk to him he will grunt a reply. I told him recently that I might as well be out by myself. It has become a bone of contention.

Rinouchka Mon 19-Dec-16 09:45:11

My husband is not a natural conversationalist whereas I love social interaction. My husband could live quite contentedly on his own without necessarily seeing other human beings on a daily basis. I would shrivel without daily human contact.

At first, after returement, we conversed less about issues and more about family situations, domestic things. Things are slightly better conversationally since I urged him to take charge of a group to discuss current events and do other activities without me. This provides us some with some new things to relate and discuss when we are at home together.

SunnySusie : Accept that you are different but encourage different activities outside the home that will provide you both with points of departure for conversation in a natural way. And accept the contented silence( although this is a challenge for me)!
Conversation can improve but outside stimulation is needed and much of the time, it is the woman who sets the ball rolling.

However, it is a fact that the only males with whom I can have a real natter at length, besides girlfriends, are my gay male friends.

Ankers Mon 19-Dec-16 09:50:56

We definitely talk a little less, but it is companionable. As Rinouchka says, having hobbies outside the home helps a lot.
A couple I know, who are sociable, deliberately do not spend time together when out,or even sit next to each other sometimes, so that they have things to talk about when home again, having spoken to different people from each other! Works for them.

KatyK Mon 19-Dec-16 10:26:16

I talk a lot - DH pretends to listen! I was telling a friend the other day that I was chatting to my DH about something. She said 'do you and your DH talk?' I said we do. She said she rarely has a conversation with her DH. She seems fine with it though.

Leah50 Mon 19-Dec-16 10:53:11

My DH of nearly 50 years & I rarely have anything to say to each other. He's profoundly deaf & only wears his hearing aids when we have guests. I'm perfectly happy with my interests, whilst he likes to stay in with his TV & books. It suits us fine, & most other couples I know are the same. In fact one couple from our village who kiss, canoodle & chat together non-stop on the bus, are thought of by all of us as "extremely odd".

nanaK54 Mon 19-Dec-16 11:10:38

Often quite quiet here too, but that's comfortable.
I am by nature a much more 'chatty' person than DH and always have been.
We do discuss family situations and as we are both still working there are times when we discuss work.

Juggernaut Mon 19-Dec-16 11:17:17

I don't know whether my husband wants to talk or not...he hasn't been able to get a word in edgeways in the last thirty odd yearstchgrin
Every couple tends to chat less, but for us it's a lovely relaxed, companionable silence, we don't find it odd or uncomfortable at all!

Anya Mon 19-Dec-16 11:25:25

Well....we're both sat here in silence on our own tablets tchgrin

This is far more interesting than trying to get any sense out of the old man.

tanith Mon 19-Dec-16 11:27:53

I think each partnership is different and whatever suits you is fine. My OH is rarely quiet for long he has a habit of singing old songs and jingles, he is on his laptop at the moment but I can hear him humming along quite quietly and sometimes he'll sing it out loud if its something he knows I'll remember too or he'll say 'remember this one'grin in fact I have on occasions been known to say 'shut up I'm trying to listen to this' I'm sure he'd get on some peoples nerves wink. We do chat a bit even on walks we always find something to comment on.

paddyann Mon 19-Dec-16 11:57:05

we talk all the time ,in fact we say our family has to fight for airtime as we all talk so much.My OH and I have worked with the public all our lives and its been a veru sociable woork life so plenty to talk about and now we're heading for retirement ...well about 4 years away....we seem to have more to say about our own lives ,we discuss politics...he was never interested before the Independence referendum ,but now a staunch supporter,the only thing we dont talk about is Christmas,he's not a fan and usually says dont go overboard when I talk about presents for the kids ,but we'll never be the couple who sit in silence in a restaurant ,theres far to much of interest to both of us ,long may it last.I really believe being interested in life in general helps keep your mind active and keeps you young

harrigran Mon 19-Dec-16 12:11:10

We are always talking and were once asked if we were newly married, the waitress said she had never seen an old married couple who chatted the way we did. We have been together 53 years and married for 49.

Skweek1 Mon 19-Dec-16 12:22:54

It's a standard family joke that if someone asks DH a straightforward question, he gives a convoluted reply, e.g. "What's an aeroplane?" wanting the reply "It's a flying machine" he gives us a highly technical history of flight, including the science of aviation, aeronautics etc. That said, we have always been more or less telepathic since the day we met and don't necessarily need words to communicate - a good thing since I suffer from considerable hearing loss.

ninathenana Mon 19-Dec-16 12:36:27

H has never been a conversationalist. I feel if you can sit in companiable silence it's a good thing. We do talk but only when there is something to say, the fact that we are both retired and spend most of our time together means we have limited topics.

jenwren Mon 19-Dec-16 13:18:53

I spoke to a friend once who said 'we love to sit in the garden with a glass of wine' I said 'after 50yrs what do you talk about?' she said 'we dont because they have said all that they needed to say' I thought it was a lovely comment. Myself I live on my own and perfectly happy with that except xmas day! Then I get up and spend the day with my grandchildren.There is always a silver lining.

Synonymous Mon 19-Dec-16 13:33:13

I think it is quite normal, as well as a blessing, to sit in companionable silence. One of my widowed friends says it is a very different kind of silence to that which she now U endures since she was widowed. sad

I so understand just what you mean skweek1! After all why use one word when 500 will do! grin Added to which DH so often gets the wrong end of the stick and can even be 'agreeing' fervently with someone saying the complete opposite! Fortunately we all have a GSOH!

Synonymous Mon 19-Dec-16 13:35:32

Don't know where that U came from! Is it a U turn or just non-U. Did it come Under the surface? Maybe U know! confused

kooklafan Mon 19-Dec-16 13:37:13

My dh never shuts up, literally. Sometimes I read online newspapers and he'll ask me to read out the headlines but after each headline I have to listen to his thoughts on the subject and then he's saying "how long will you be on the computer, I want to check my emails LOL He's the same during movies and TV shows. he truly believes that television should be used as a conversation starter whereas for me, sitting down to a movie is an escape or it used to be. Ironically after he has talked about whatever is happening on the TV he'll say to me, "what's happening, what's he or she saying?" "I don't know because you were flipping talking"

Teddy123 Mon 19-Dec-16 13:37:44

Perfectly normal I would say. Then again it has been 45 years for us.

It does seem strange though that I can chat for literally hours to my friends ....

TriciaF Mon 19-Dec-16 14:13:33

Like someone above my husband argues with the radio or TV, very loud, nonstop. Then he turns to me and asks what I think - woe betide if I say I disagree! On and On.
But we do converse a lot, he says more than me, I'm more of a listener.
We always discuss before making any biggish decisions.
Sunnysusie I wouldn't worry - you're still together, that's the main thing.

Diddy1 Mon 19-Dec-16 15:57:10

The same situation here, I was glad to read we are not alone in this situation. We do spend a lot of time on our computers,and DH sits in front of the TV each evening from 6pm until about 10pm, I can look at a programme then happily go to my computer, we do talk, but mainly about things that interest DH, he has recently joined a GYM and when he comes home he talks non stop about it, until I say "we have covered that now, would you like to know what I have done today"I think its good to have ones own interest and this gives a bit of space to both, and seems to work.

Liz46 Mon 19-Dec-16 16:01:19

I agree with the people who think separate interests are good. My husband goes bowling and tells me about it when he returns home. I volunteer in a charity shop and am also rather good at 'lunching with friends'.