What a nasty spiteful cow...! Yes, me, that's who.

Your post makes sense to me monica and as someone who really has not experienced these feelings I was struggling to understand why rowan was feeling like this.
I do hope rowan that you can come to terms with this and genuinely celebrate the various successes of a your family members.

It has taken me years to recognise sibling jealousy, my middle sister was on paper more successful than me, past exams I failed as a child, but somehow always tries to make me look small in company, yet when it is just us we are good friends, with similar interests and get on well.

Family relationships are complicated, but you are able to recognise your feelings so you can control your reaction and not cause hurt. Hope you are feeling better and more positive.

I dont know if you have counted your blessings before? And if that has helped in any way?

Occasionally, I start to think of what I have, and then start to think the what ifs, if say, the roof was taken away, or there were no clothes in the wardrobe or whatever.
Etc etc. It tends to help me snap out of things pretty quick.

Snap out of things? I don't think that applies to the problems being discussed on this thread.

My goodness what a position to find yourself in, I hope you can get past this.
I have never felt like this, it sounds a scary place to be.

Interesting f77ms what do you mean by this " It is about me not being in the position to help my children financially and others who have done then bragging about theirs `getting on` when they have had an enormous leg up as it were"?

Well done Rowan for admitting your feelings and knowing that it is a irrational way to feel. At least you wish you felt differently and want to work on this bit of you. I think it is a common feeling but perhaps few admit it so honestly. Coming from a family where academic success was important has probably made it more difficult for you. It sounds as if your own DC have done well themselves and your DD has successfully become a committed parent.That is something to celebrate. Accept your feelings and be gentle on yourself and send a card!

Seacliff that's very close to me, different relative but same sort of story ...difficult isn't it I suppress the feelings and never show them, but there's a bit of a why her in my situation

I am interested to know how we mark success ?

Is it the nice fat pay packet?
That final salary pension?
The stress free lifestyle?
Having a career that you enjoy rather than a job you hate?
Having a big comfortable home?
Doing better than the next person?
Getting into the best university or seeing your children/grandchildren get into them?

I often feel completely inadequate, useless even and am genuinely interested to know how other people (honestly) mark success and why some of us are left feeling like failures?

Good point Gillybob. And to Rowantree I have a SIL whose children have done well, but years ago at the same stage as your nephew had not done as well as ours and caused problems. Don't let it show and don't nourish it as Mûnica says.

And as the least intelligent person in my family I take hope from this:-

“Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever."
"And he has Brain."
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain."
There was a long silence.
"I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Success is not just getting a job but achieving the career that you have dreamed of.

Yes Harrigran that was on my list. I can imagine how life would be so much better if you go to work each day doing something that you really enjoy. Something that makes a difference.

You are very brave to admit to these feelings. I don't believe there's anyone who's never felt a bit like that and had to paste on a smile and offer good wishes.

I love your quote Stansgran so much that I'm going to copy it and email it to myself.

Very apt, very clever and very true!!!

Thanks all for your honest responses.
If I could 'snap out of' how I feel, believe me, I would have, long ago - I honestly don't choose to feel like this. I do have a card ready to send and I will send it tomorrow. I won't let this sour my relationships with my family; my biggest fear is that my failings, feelings or reactions will harm others, so I strive, always, for that not to happen. But it's like draining the sea with a sieve sometimes.
I do count my blessings, far more than I used to: I can now appreciate what I have and I am glad of it and of simple pleasures. I have a roof over my head, food to eat and a lovely little family who are the world to me. I don't live in a war-torn nation. In all those things and more, I know I am lucky.
However, some things get to the core of who I am, which is inadequate and not good enough. I remember being 'graded' as a child by my mother, who occasionally set us intelligence tests: I always scored the lowest and was teased for it by my higher-scoring brothers. Just one example, and I can't blame everything on that - there comes a time when you have to take responsibility for yourself and accept who you are - but the attitude I grew up with has helped to shape who I am now, as happens with everybody to an extent.
Irrational though I know it is, I feel it for myself as well as my daughters when I hear of the (particularly academic) success of other family members, though I KNOW it isn't true (of them, at any rate!). I think I will always have these feelings, so I need to find ways of sitting with them and accepting them, but I find it unspeakably difficult and painful to accept that this is who I am, without despising myself completely, when I value kindness and compassion to others so highly.

LOVE the WTP quote, Stansgran!

Jealousy is often a reflection of feelings of anxiety about oneself - as previous posters have said.

It might be common to feel like this, but that doesn't mean it's something 'normal', still less acceptable.

Insight into why jealousy arises can help - probably to do with childhood, experiences, one's own parenting - and as adults, we can be responsible for challenging and changing our reactions.

It's perfectly possible to be delighted for someone else's success and happiness, once the negative stuff has been explored, understood and put in its place.

Good morning Rowantree. I've been pondering since your first post because I admit I didn't really get what it was that you were envious of. Can I ask, is it just academic achievement or other stuff as well? I do understand envy but not of this particular thing.

My post was X posted with yours, Rowantree.

It sounds like you do have insight and understanding.

The 'grading' your mother gave you was cruel and unkind, and it's not at all surprising this has affected you even now.

One thing sometimes explored in counselling/therapy is the notion of our own parents being cruel. One school of thought says that we resist this. Our psyche cannot bear to think of our parents being cruel - so instead we start to think we are somehow undeserving of kindness. Of course that is irrational, but the feeling remains, and the anger and anxiety it engenders comes out in resentment and, yes, jealousy towards others.

I think you are brave to share this Rowentree. I think it is very normal to have these feelings, but as you share, and others have posted, it is what is being triggered in you that needs thinking about.

In one way, going to a prestigious school or university is meaningless. It is what one does with the opportunity that counts. And as for 'achievement'. How do you measure it? To my way of thinking, there are children out there who may have achieved in different ways, perhaps without the material or other advantages your nephew may have had. In the end, it's just a piece of paper.

I think therapy may help you to deal with the triggers that sparked this in the first place.
Good luck.

Thank you for starting this thread Rowantree it has really made me think about myself and my continuous feelings of inadequacy . I have never achieved anything, never travelled anywhere particularly interesting, never had a career or a job I enjoyed etc.

I am not jealous of "things" big houses, fancy cars etc. but admit to feelings of jealously of freedom (if that makes sense) . Freedom to choose what you want to do not what you have to do, freedom to go where you want, if you want and freedom to say a big fat NO if I really don't want to do something.

Sorry....I posted this before reading other posts. After reading your latest about your mother, and being a therapist by trade, I do think she has unwittingly caused a lot of damage. I think Elena is right too. I do urge you to seek some help. Think of it as an investment in yourself and your future.

Everyone has thoughts which they themselves feel are 'unworthy' but which are all too human. Envy, jealousy, anger, bitterness, vengefulness and so on are universal. Sometimes they can be magnified by the insensitivity of others who rub salt in the wounds either accidentally or deliberately.

The important thing is how you deal with them. You have restrained your initial dismay, which is a mature act, and you should try to bring yourself to send a congratulations card and, in time, you will get over your first impressions.

Your own children have done incredibly well with their academic careers and, if they are happy, be content and take pride in them.

Sometimes these top flight places are a mixed blessing. We were all stricken when my DD was given an Oxford interview but didn't get in. A few years later we are delighted that she ended up where she did as she obtained a good degree and met a lovely partner she is still with. She recently admitted that the Oxford 'method' was not really for her and she might well have had a breakdown.

My DS was clever and went to a top grammar school but rebelled and did not achieve his academic potential and, after a 'mixed' career went to a middling university and got a middling degree. A few years on he has a better job than some of his Oxbridge friends and is happy and hard working.

I have learned that ambition is all well and good and is an excellent spur to achievement but that it is not sensible to let it set up expectations which can be disappointed.

You cannot guard totally against the ill nature of others. Some people are horrible and will rub your nose in it if they see you are suffering and withold praise and sympathy if you are doing well. That's their business.

You are in charge of your own happiness and it doesn't depend on others.

I reiterate: - your children sound awesome.

I remember being 'graded' as a child by my mother, who occasionally set us intelligence tests: I always scored the lowest and was teased for it by my higher-scoring brothers.
Until I read this, Rowan, I was inclined to be unsympathetic. Now I can see that your mother set you up for a lifetime of feeling inadequate. I also feel that it isn't too late for you to seek counselling. I'm sure it has done you some good to be able to reveal you feelings safely in this forum, but a good counsellor would be able to help you to dump these emotions where they belong.

I echo Monica and add...happiness is not necessarily a good education! I never went to university but academia never interested me anyway. I find my happiness elsewhere!

I can't see that the boy would have done so well without an amazing aunt.............

It does smart sometimes especially when depression bites..........but life is swings and roundabouts.....