Estrangement / Cut off Mum

I think Yorkshiregel, you are looking back through rose-tinted glasses. Remember mortgage interest rates of over 10%? Current house prices would plummet if mortgage interest rates want up to the rates we considered normal. Remember 'Cathy come home'? The story of homelessness and how easily a family could find themselves homeless? It is nothing new.

We both had the benefit of a good education at state expense and good careers, but money for cars and holidays? We have only once or twice owned a car less than 5 years old and when our children were young, holidays were as inexpensive as we could make them, we were never reduced to camping, but caravans, swapping and borrowing houses from friends and relations and out of season holidays were all part of the mix - and we had wonderful holidays and many happy memories.

I am not trying to plead poverty, but I think this idea of a 'lucky generation' is misleading, Yes, house prices have rocketed - but only as interest rates have gone down. At one point half our income went to the Building Society. But educational opportunities were fewer, the poor were far poorer because benefits were less extensive. Pensioners being found dead in cold unheated houses, was not shocking, it happened too often. And we lived under the shadow of the bomb, now it is the shadow of global warming, but the control of that is within each persons power, the fear of global extermination is not.

Thank you celebgran and * Smileless2012* for your kind comments about giving DS and DiL money - that you think it might not have made a difference if I had continued.

The pain when the estrangement first happened was astounding but somehow I survived.

The energy I put into my DS in his late teens and early twenties, getting him into uni, paying fees, transport etc....I would have hoped would have meant we would be close.

SparklyGrandma You don't mean to say you only gave to your DS for what you could receive back from him?

The energy I put into my DS in his late teens and early twenties, getting him into uni, paying fees, transport etc....I would have hoped would have meant we would be close.

I`m sure Sparkly didn`t give to her son (financially and emotionally) because she was expecting something in return. But after she has given so much support it`s not unreasonable for her to hope he would have grown up to appreciate what she had done

Norah we would all hope our offspring would have the decency to respect us and appreciate sacrifices we made for them, it's called manners?

I had lovley mum but my dad died when we were young she couldn't afford for me even do my a levels I didn't expect her to support me, however I was happy to care for her until she died because I loved her, it's not a tit for tat basis where love is involved, but I was happy to repay all her love and care.

Did you not realise that?

Of course sparklygran like rest of us doesn't do her best for her kids expecting to get it back who would ? What a strange agressive remark,

Thanks goodness i didn't expect help and support from my ed now I am ill, as its her brother who we did far less for who is there for us,
Life is strange,

celebgran

"Norah we would all hope our offspring would have the decency to respect us and appreciate sacrifices we made for them, it's called manners?" I disagree.

It's called love Norah A mother would do and sacrifice all for her beloved off-spring. I am on my own, earning a small income, but doing work I love, even so, when I inherited from my M&D I shared it with my daughter's & Son, why? because I love them and would have thought they loved me back.

I read all the other posts yesterday, but didn't have time to reply, think it was Sparlygran that said she hired a holiday cottage for her now estranged S&family to have a break away together but was then 'cut out', did you go on your own in the end or is it upcoming? if so go with some friends and enjoy.
I did the same thing for my now estD, if only she had come along, just her &C, I think the fog would have lifted from her brain and none of this estrangement would have taken place! It was whilst I&ND were away, that they [estD&H] had their big argument leading to our estrangement, still don't know what the argument was about, maybe my D saying she would have liked a little holiday with her M&S

I don't think sharing an inheritance is a sacrifice. It's generous, and is teaching children to be generous in turn, but it's not a sacrifice.
I've shared money I have inherited with my DC's, but not so that they would love and respect me!
It would only have been a 'sacrifice' if I had desperately needed that money myself, in which case I would have kept it!
I don't think children either want or expect their parents to make sacrifices for them - they are then burdened with the guilt of having a parent who has given up too much for them.
This is not getting at anyone - just expressing a different point of view.

Not really, we had troubles as well as anyone else. We nearly lost our house when the interest rates went up and up, but we didn't, we managed to cling on. My OH had to go to Cyprus twice when they were having trouble with the Turk and Greek Cypriots fighting. I was left for months on my own when OH went abroad on various postings with the RAF. I remember when we were first married I had to sell my much loved bike so we could eat for example. So not all roses, but I still think we had a better deal than youngsters today.

I guess it depends a lot where you live. I really felt for the miners having their livelihood taken away and no replacement given. The same with other industries such as the steel industry. How they expect people to live when they have no income I do not know.

I feel the same for anyone who loses their job through no fault of their own, which is happening a lot today. People are made to jump through hoops to get a pittance to feed their families.

Youngsters are faced with paying their tuition fees while our children were educated free; they are having to pay huge sums for insurance if they drive; they cannot afford the deposit for a house. Just some examples.

Why cannot the Government provide more council housing to help out? Why do they build 'affordable houses'? Not to help the young, they can tax affordable housing. Why do they give more money to child care? Not to help the youngsters but because they can tax the mother when she goes out to work.

Now we see them selling off student loans to private companies. What will happen when these private companies start putting the interest up? Insurance companies are ripping people off right left and centre why cannot the Government step in and put a stop to it?

On the whole I think we had an easy ride.

Last post intended as a reply to MONica....and others of course.

Yorkshiregel "On the whole I think we had an easy ride."

I think things get harder for the young every year. Society must be nearing a breaking point.

eddiecat78 Norah no it came out badly, I didnt do mothering and supporting my son expecting things back. Its just having brought him up with kindness I hoped and still hope that kindness would be returned.
When looking back with sadness, this is one thing that hurts - no kindness from DS and DiL.

Of course we as mothers don't expect things back, they are our children.

Yogagirl thank you for asking about the holiday I had booked for DS DiL and DGD (and myself too). I did o on the holiday and as it was a self catering cottage in Dorset I took a friend who loved t. I was so upset though I came home 2 days early but left my friend (she didnt mind, if she had I would have stayed) to have the last 2 days alone.

I hope we all have a nice weekend

janeainsworth "I don't think sharing an inheritance is a sacrifice. It's generous, and is teaching children to be generous in turn, but it's not a sacrifice."

I agree. Gifts aren't meant to be repaid, are they?

Of course you didn't expect anything back for being a loving, caring and supportive mum SparklyGrandma as anyone with any common sense would realise.

None of us expect our children's eternal gratitude because we chose to have them in the first place, and did all that we could to be the best parents we could be. That said, we didn't expect them to completely walk out of our lives and in some cases, take their children our GC with them, and if that's not bad enough, tell outrageous lies in an attempt to portray us as awful people, in order to justify what the truth will never justify.

I wonder what it is about estrangement, about those of us who've lost AC and in some cases our GC, that brings out the worst in others. If I still had the relationship with both of our boys that I now only have with one, if I was being allowed to be a GM and Mr. S. was allowed to be a GF, I may not understand how parents who've done nothing wrong could find themselves cut out of their AC's lives. I might initially find it hard to believe that it could ever happen. But, I'm sure that if I'd read any of the heartbreaking posts on GN on this subject, I wouldn't entertain myself by deliberately mis interrepting posts and/or twisting what's been posted to try and make the poster look as awful as possible.

I'm pretty certain that if I did feel the need to enter into the discussion I would do so with respect and empathy. I would be thankful that I was not in this terrible position and be thankful for every moment that I got to spend with my AC and GC in the knowledge that others are not so fortunate.

Jainsworth most parent ps do make sacrifices for their kids, as yogagirl says it done out of love.

Our insurance agent said to me he wouldn't do what we had i.e. Support our daughter for 5 years at uni she was on her own hensaid we will not get that time back that we scrimped and scraped and went without. Unless u are very wealthy I can't see how else U can support children at uni without sacrifices being made.

It should be a burden for our offspring to appreciate what's done for them.

celebgran "It should be a burden for our offspring to appreciate what's done for them."

You want to burden your child?

I don't think it"should be a burden for our offspring to appreciate what's done for them". We supported our children through uni and through second degrees if necessary and helped with house deposits and clothes for their children. I don't expect anything back . We were left money from relatives with the proviso in a will which said I'm sure you will make good use. I have no idea now how much we gave and what we spent because a gift is a gift. I am shocked when I read that we spent this that and the other written by posters. I am really shocked by the inability for some posters to listen. I don't know if it's this thread or another where people expressing a valid opinion,valid because they are members of Gransnet and are accused of being trolls or vile or nasty.

Stansgran I have no idea now how much we gave and what we spent because a gift is a gift. I am shocked when I read that we spent this that and the other written by posters. I am really shocked by the inability for some posters to listen. I don't know if it's this thread or another where people expressing a valid opinion,valid because they are members of Gransnet and are accused of being trolls or vile or nasty.

Thanks. I think the inability to listen and hear anything outside their own opinions is the problem in their families, too.

I wonder what it is about estrangement, about those of us who've lost AC and in some cases our GC, that brings out the worst in others. If I still had the relationship with both of our boys that I now only have with one, if I was being allowed to be a GM and Mr. S. was allowed to be a GF, I may not understand how parents who've done nothing wrong could find themselves cut out of their AC's lives. I might initially find it hard to believe that it could ever happen. But, I'm sure that if I'd read any of the heartbreaking posts on GN on this subject, I wouldn't entertain myself by deliberately mis interrepting posts and/or twisting what's been posted to try and make the poster look as awful as possible.

Well said smilelss I wonder what it is about your Arabra and your side kicks that you get off on what smilelss has said ? Apologies smilelss for copying your post no point both of us,beating our heads against proverbial.

Sparkly grandma thanwas a shame unwere too upset to Enjoy that cottage break fortunate your friend could.

Understandable that u couldn't given the start of the estrangement

I have healed quite well is 8 years but I still have days I cry and cry i.e. My daughter birthday couple weeks ago and I wake at night and just panic as i can't believe it's happened and I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone,

It's hard as smileless and several have said to see what the posters get out of their twisted nasty comments a form of bullying I guess

I wonder what it is about estrangement, about those of us who've lost AC and in some cases our GC, that brings out the worst in others

They see vulnerability, and sadly think it is fun to attack.

I think the inability to listen and hear anything outside their own opinions is the problem....
And yes, I do realise the reference was to families of the estranged.

However....

Araabra. Do you not appreciate the absolute irony of that statement?

It describes YOU exactly

Ankers. Spot on with your last post.

And what sort of people attack the vulnerable? You got it.....COWARDS.

Vulnerable? The children? Or the woe is me GPS?

Hey, I didn't first reference "woe is me GPs", but if the shoe fits wear it GM.

Araabra

I did wonder whether it was worth drawing your attention to the irony of the statement you made. I now realise it was a complete waste of time, as you exhibit the singular inability to first READ the post properly and then RESPOND in an appropriate way.

These threads are filling up with your off the wall, ill-advised one liners.