Wedding minefield

(because most people WON'T complain to the bride and groom about it, they just want to whinge to you but will smile and act delighted to be there to the couple - so call their bluff! tell them to speak to DD if any issues)

I think the best "buffer" here for the OP is "You'll have to speak to DD and DSILtobe about that, the invites aren't from us"

I do feel for you, feeling in the middle is never comfortable. However, I remind people that " To take offence does as much damage (sometimes more damage) than to give offence". So the question really is does your SD want to celebrate the wedding of the SS or does she want to cause a family rift. Once faced with this stark question it's an either or answer. I'm assuming9 could be wrong) that your SD had her wedding the way she wanted. I hope she did, we all have the right to some things in our life to be the way we want them to be. Hope you find a way through that does little or no damage.

I can quire understand her being miffed under the circumsatnces. Ive known families to fall out permanently over just this issue ie a whole branch of a family refusing to go to wedding of neice if their children /grandchildren were not invited and still not speaking 20 years later.

You can surely understand why their step sister is upset as her children (*your other grandchildren*) aren't invited but the children of the blood related siblings are Invited?

I agree that if you want to do child free wedding, it's fine, but there are ways to do it nicely
- It should be all or nothing, or have a clear cut off that everyone is aware of so that nobody feels singled out (e.g. "babes in arms only" or "no under 10s" - and STICK TO THAT so it's fair)
- The bride and groom are up front about it and don't fob it off as doing parents a favour so they can "let their hair down". Its not a favour, its what the bride and groom want, and if they can't be honest about that they will annoy people!

Oh gosh, there are exceptions then. I'm not surprised your step daughter is offended. Are she and her children not part of the family? I can quite see how excluding her children is hurtful. It would have been nice if they were able to play some part in the ceremony. Just my opinion and as has been said, it is the bride and groom's day.

But it's not a child free wedding!

You can surely understand why their step sister is upset as her children (*your other grandchildren*) aren't invited but the children of the blood related siblings are Invited?

If you can't see that, you clearly do have blinkers on where your own children are concerned.

I have two adult step-sons and a young DS. There's no way the oldest ones would treat young DS any differently.

My own daughter got married in May two years ago and exactly the same problem arose. She also didn't want young children spoiling the wedding ceremony. As her sister had a young child, the groom 's Sil and several guests, her solution was a child minder for the time covering the ceremony. Not cheap, but at least all parties had a very happy day.

entertainers can work, but I've known a few people hire creche workers and had very little uptake.. think about it: if you get a new babysitter or move nursery you do a few "settling sessions" you don't just drop'n'run, so people (understandably) turned down the offer of the staffed creche in another room and some just didn't come at all to one friends wedding. She didn't understand why her friends travelling from abroad weren't going to leave their kids with babysitters/nursery nurses they'ld never met before (who would have very strange accents from the children's point of view) all day! I understood why the idea flopped though! Another friend set up a room downstairs as a creche with toys and qualified staff, in her case guests did use it, BUT many of the parents spent much of the day down there settling in their kids or playing with them because the kids liked the toys but didn't want to be left with strangers in a strange place. There were quite a few empty chairs during the speeches because of this!

I have friends with children who will only go with other adults who they've known very well for ages! So bear that in mind before suggesting that people fork out on setting up a staffed creche in another room

Keep schtum - your husband has the right idea. There's no way your daughter and future husband are going to give in just because the step-sister is miffed. So be it. Step-sister should be 'man' enough to accept the no-children invitation and if not, don't accept. If they are not close then the chances of a face to face row will be reduced anyway.

I always think it's a shame not to include children at weddings. A friend's daughter didn't as it added to the cost and would have meant cutting out people . Her sister allowed babies only. Another hired an entertainer for the children which went really well. It is the bride and groom's choice.

At my DD's wedding - a whole weekend in a hotel affair - she booked a fully qualified nursery worker and set aside a children's room with toys, books and a quiet area. There was also an enclosed garden where children could run about and let off steam. Family and close friends with children were coming from London, Yorkshire, Invernessshire and Aberdeen and could not have come without their children. It was decided to extend the invitation to local guests too - some chose to bring their children, others came without them. Parents, Grandparents and Children all had a great time and no one felt left out.

Too late for the OP now. Just saying that with a bit of organisation you can incorporate children into the wedding without spoiling it for the grown-ups.

I agree with ThatBags but I probably would say to my daughter, "Would you consider letting the children of step-siblings have a role for the sake of family peace." I would preface it with, "It is entirely your choice and your wedding so I make no judgement..."
We have the same problem with a blended family and my DD often wants to celebrate things with just her core family as there are 6 siblings plus partners and children. She can be quite judgemental about what they do too so we used to fall out because I didn't agree with her views and I would find it was me who was always in the doghouse. Now I tend to be quite noncommittal as it isn't worth the heartache when she blows off steam about how I love them more than her. My usual refrain is usually, "Ah well, we all do things differently!"

Best advice? Stay out of it. It's for the Bride and Groom to decide, and is no-one else's business...

I have no problem with child free invites, but this:
Quite a few of their friends with children had previously indicated that they rather liked child-free invites as it gave them a rare opportunity to let their hair down is disingenuous, because if children are invited I can chose to not bring them (if I can arrange childcare) and "let my hair down" - I don't need to be invited to a child free wedding to do that!, people who have child free weddings need to be honest and own it, and say that that's just what they want, then that's fine! however if the invite is phrased as if they are making out as if they're only doing it to do me a favour - it'll get my back up I"m afraid, because it's not true at all!

I've just sent out invites for my daughters wedding, with a printed note saying, sorry no children. That's the bride and grooms perogative. I'm paying for wedding, but I ve friends glad to have a kids free day. If bride and groom are paying you just say it's up th them to decide and leave it at that! Anyone not happy tell them to see bride or groom.

I so agree, you're all meant to be one big happy family! When my father remarried, he and his new wife were scrupulously fair in including all the children and grandchildren from both sides and it made what could have been a difficult day for us much easier.

Perfect response from Thatbags!

My eldest daughter had children to her wedding but the reception was in a marquee in a field so the young could be taken out to play - and were - during the speeches.
Youngest daughter had no children (apart from tiny ones)and nobody didn't come because of that - again the parents removed babies during speeches. So both work in my experience

It is the choice of the couple and I would defer all questions to them. Hard though because people will always ask you what you think!

I think it's a shame when children are excluded from weddings, as I see weddings as a family celebration, but that's my opinion.

How people want to celebrate their own wedding is their business and they should not he made to feel uncomfortable or guilty about it. Your DH should tell his DD to speak with the wedding couple and not involve you both or anyone else. However, I'd be telling your DH to tell his DD not to question someone else's wedding arrangements.

If anyone moans to you, tell them that It's up to the wedding couple and no one else, and not to bother you with their moaning.

My DD is getting married in June and they are doing the same. The only children will be those involved in the ceremony. They are all close family, her son as ring bearer and nephews and nieces of the couple as bridesmaids/pageboys and 2 older nephews as ushers.

Unless they are paying for the wedding then I don't see why anyone should expect to have a say in who is invited or not. And it isn't your decision but that of the happy couple so I would not get involved in any discussions but refer them back to the couple themselves to deal with - a simple 'Sorry, but not my decision to make' response is called for I think.

My sister didn't want any children to her wedding so myself and my wife choose not to go as I felt the children are just as important .after it caused so many problems after for many years .there now devoiced.

Completely agree with thatbags.

suzied maybe it would be a big deal just maybe the SD's children are not well behaved. Just because 2 mature people get married it doesnt mean the "joining" of 2 families, my adult children and my DH children dont have a relationship, we live so far away from our broods that although they all live within a couple of miles of each other they have no contact. Its not that they dont like each other its that there is an age gap.

The only way not get caught in the cross fire is not to engage with complainers. Just say, it's not your place to comment and they should take it up with your daughter and her partner. If they bang on about it, keep saying it's not your place to comment.