Remarried:husband's difficult attitude to family

Ps does he play golf? I not, some golf lessons for next Christms? Timed to coincide with their visit?

The two he has most difficulty with are 11 and 9. Table manners never an issue -whole family has a united front on that. They are bright, confident girls. Not rude at all. But I suspect he'd really like them to sit on the sofa wearing white gloves and Mary Janes - seen and not heard. They stopped coming to stay three years ago, but came for two nights after Christmas this year. They stay now at my other DD's house, but she was ill, so they came to us instead. I thought this was the perfect opportunity to make them all feel welcomed. All he needed to do was put up with it for a brief period of time. Nothing was said in front of them - or very little, but I got it all afterwards. I feel so let down. We are both at the stage where we were lucky to have met each other at all and I thought we would find contentment. I had no idea this would become such an issue

manny I'm sorry you're in this position.
It seems as though, apart from this one issue, that the marriage is working out reasonably well, so I guess it's worth taking the time to persevere until a happy compromise is reached. Your husband's high expectations of the children's behaviour is a difficulty for you and your acceptance of said behaviours is a problem for him. I wonder, if he spent some time on his own with the children (doing something together) whether things may improve? Could he take them out to lunch/the theatre/cinema or to a local attraction perhaps? Children are hardy creatures and a curmudgeonly (step) grandfather really isn't going to blight their lives, so try to stick with it until you can both find a way to muddle through. I honestly think your husband's expectations are not uncommon for men of his age and who haven't had children of their own (and even for a great many who have!).

Hi manny, you say you have an enviable life so clearly there is a lot of positives in your relationship.

He zips his lip whilst the children are there (great), but then you get it afterwards (not so great). Could you just not stop him in his tracks with the "post mortem" by saying "I've had a lovely time, thanks for contributing by being patient with the children, please don't spoil it now so shut up " or something similar - and end the conversation.

Or, have you asked him "You know I'm in the middle here, what would you like me to say or do?" Presumably he cares about your relationship too and wouldn't want a divorce either. It sounds as if he has you on the back foot, so to speak. So fight back a bit, gently of course.

for you.

The two he has most difficulty with are 11 and 9. Table manners never an issue - whole family has a united front on that. They are bright, confident girls. Not rude at all.

He seems to have unrealistic expectations, not just high standards of behaviour, and it's sad that this has gone on for six years. I originally thought they must be very young, running riot and eating with their mouths full for him to be so put out by their presence. Many older men are intolerant of their own GC and find them challenging, but your husband does seem particularly hostile to your GC.

Obviously you want to have a close relationship with your DC & DGC and it sounds like you value your marriage, so I can only suggest that you'll just have to compartmentalize your life and make more visits to see them, leaving husband at home.

Not a great situation but then family life doesn't always fit the idealised version of an intact family, doting grandparents, cosy family visits, etc.

My parents weren't very tolerant of our kids. Mind you we have got five boys so a challenge to most people!! I used to visit my parents taking one child only. Long journey- over 250 miles. We occasionally had a family holiday near them so they could visit us or we could meet somewhere. It was not how I had envisaged it.

It sounds as if DH has no experience of children and no wish to get to know any. Sad for you, Grannyknot may have suggested your best approach.

Oh mixing families is always a challenge. Loads of partners vent after the in laws have come to stay for a few days. I don't see why he had to find "convincing" reasons for not wanting children though. It reminds me of the post a while ago when someone was trying to find a way to make her grandchildren love her dogs. She just couldn't accept that not everybody does and tried to work out all kinds of strategies for changing their minds.
Was there some kind of idea that you would be providing him with the family you felt he had missed out on? You're understandably disappointed that he doesn't see it that way but I still don't see why bits of your life can't be kept separate if you're happy during non-family times.

This thread reminds me of reports that Camilla keeps her old home in Wiltshire so that she can spend time with her grandchildren because Prince Charles doesn't want them at Highgrove.

What a fab compromise. Maybe we should all club together and buy a stately pile as a refuge for harassed grandmothers with grumpy old gits to keep happy.

Noisy DGCs welcome.

"But he says he should be able to tell them what the rules are in 'his house'." You did point out, I suppose, that it is also YOUR house. While your family is there, it is YOUR rules that are paramount - and without recriminationbs after they have left.

I wouldn't go so far as some and chuck him into the virtual wheelie bin for it (how does that teach tolerance?), but I don't think I would put up with constant criticism about them either.

Merlotgran We need a respite facility for grans to get away from Grandads, complete with child-friendly dining room, fully equipped playroom with cheerful qualified assistants and packed bookcases, TV room with shelves of videos, outdoor play space. And most essential - a bar and coffee room for recuperation with CAKE.

Not from all grandads, just the grumpy old gits. Jolly grandads allowed in.

Why waste time on marriage guidance? He doesn't like them. He doesn't have kids. The solution is to have visits from family and encourage him to go off on short break while they are there, or to check into local hotel for duration, so he can 'sit it out'.

You are too old to change, you have otherwise good marriage, just facilitate his absence from the melee.

So refreshing to read some of these comments and I'm so glad that it's struck a chord with many of you. I was feeling very alone. Obviously can't discuss this with my kids themselves as I feel this would put them off coming even further.
Am coming round to the idea of basically leading separate lives for periods of time. Not what I anticipated - but, as has been advised in many comments here, I have to find a compromise somewhere. I feel I've lost some of the closeness I had with the GC already, and I don't want to lose any more, so something has to be resolved, whatever it takes.
Next mountain to climb is re-building the relationship which has taken a battering and which I don't think will ever be the same.

That's what I think too radicalnan. But then I had a marriage where we were happy to do our own thing. When one of my friends came to stay he used to have a weekend away because he didn't like her. But I don't think that's what the OP wants.

X post sorry

My second husband was very much like this. At first he was wonderful with my children but after about ten years I sold my house and we moved in together. That's when the trouble started, he was constantly criticising and getting at them. Finally as teenagers they left home but he still tried to limit my seeing them. Over the years it was just about bearable but eventually we split up, he even hated me visiting my aged uncle!
Now my eldest granddaughter is getting married and he's miffed because he's not invited to the wedding.
Incidentally, he and I get along much better since we separated.

I am sorry and you are getting lots of advice, but I think your OH should sit down and talk to your family including the children, so often one person is giving the other persons point of view and its easy for things to get lost in the telling, if they realise how difficult he finds it, they may decide to be on very best behaviour or not and if he talks to them face to face and realises that they are on best behaviour and doing the best they can, compromises can be reached. Don't keep making yourself piggy in the middle, there is only you suffering, everyone else is just carrying resentments. TALK to each other in the open. My family did this one person carrying messages back and forth and it caused huge resentments, get it all out in the open and then once everyone knows the situation as it really is and then they can talk to each other.

I had a good relationship with my mum and then she met and married a man who was very grumpy and unwelcoming. I found every visit very stressful as she seemed to want to please him all the time rather than enjoy us being there. After a few years she said that it was probably best to visit for about an hour. (It took us a 2 hour stressful car journey both ways to visit) She then would drive over and visit me once a month for the whole day and that worked really well for about 8/10 years.) However as she got older the driving was too much for her, the visits became much shorter and finally stopped) We then went back to visiting her occasionally but felt so unwelcome - we would go out for a walk with her so we were hardly in the house - just to use the toilet and have a cup of tea really.
What I never understood and felt very hurt by is why, once every 6 months, her husband could not just disappear for half a day so we could just spend time with mum without him there - didn't he want her to continue having a relationship with her daughter and grandchildren - something that her bought her so much pleasure?
I would try to see if there is some compromise you can all make to keep everyone happy; it will need a little bit of change from all involved.

There would be no choice for me, my children would always come first, as hard as the choice might be. My children were and still are, a part of me, like extra limbs. I grew them and they have and would always come first. Hurt them and you hurt me.

Your situation sounds very much like mine was. My husband came from a small family, just a sister, neither he nor his sister had been married so no children around. I married mine 20 years ago and I had two teenage children! It was hard in the early years but as time went on it be came easier, so much so that we have a wonderful relationship with children and gc even though we don't always agree. Talk to your family on their own, explain he has no expercience with children and ask for their help and understanding. When your oh rants when they are gone, just let him, hes letting of steam, when he's finished just say, feel better because I don't and walk away. try and treat it all with a laid back approach, mixed with a sense of humour! Good luck.

I think it may be about values and principles. I had similar issues when I remarried, however it was me that caused the issues e.g. in my opinion OH's children were never encouraged to stand on their own two feet, that if you couldn't manage your money not our problem, learn to manage. But primarily it was about manners, the way we treat one another etc. Not saying I am right but it was a bit of a shock the way they behaved. Twenty years later there are still issues but we cope without having a row, but fundamentally, I stick to my own values in my house and if they don't like it then tough but it doesn't stop them from visiting. Of course the "ex" exploits the situation preferably by indulging them but I cope with that.

Perhaps you could try 'not being the meat in the sandwich' i.e. the buffer between both parties, absorbing the stress and becoming unhappy? Their individual relationships with each other are their own responsibility. When they all have to be responsible for their own actions and behaviours without you as a 'filter', you may well find that they behave better towards each other.
You could just say " I find all of this very distasteful, I refuse to criticise any of you individually. I love all of you and if you love me you will find a way to get on with each other".

You could just say " I find all of this very distasteful, I refuse to criticise any of you individually. I love all of you and if you love me you will find a way to get on with each other".

You'd say that to 9 & 11-year olds?

My husband and my children dislike each other.
I won't go into great details but I have to keep them all apart. This means family occasions are difficult. I cannot see the grand chidlren with my husband etc. etc. Everything has to be planned.
I get very stressed, always on edge and I cry a lot. It hurts, as I am always in the middle.