Remarried:husband's difficult attitude to family

It may seem better, Carola22 but the result is that your daughter and, in particular, your grandchildren are being taught that they should give in to a bully.

My dil's father has driven everyone away. Friends and family alike. His own son went to live abroad to get away from him. He is so picky and so 'I know best' that nobody has a chance in a conversation. He loves to bore you with how fit he is and how he keeps that way. His rules are paramount in the house and when his dil and son came to visit from abroad he was so horrible to the little boy, don't touch this, don't do that, do not mess the house up with toys, eat everything on your plate etc etc that dil took the son home after three days of it and she has now had a letter from Grandad to say he wants 'no more contact'! He is a horrible self-centred grumpy old man and I do not think his wife dare stick up for herself as she goes along with his demands. She has taken to going for a coffee with my dil, her daughter, so that she can get out of the house now and again.

Personally I would either move out or tell him to. He is never going to change now as he is over 80yrs old.

Though I get that the op wants to have relaxed visits with her ac and their families in her home, it's her new dh's home, too, and adjustments and compromises have to be made when we marry.

If your differences on this are too great, manny, is this a reflection of the rest of your marriage? If it is, then maybe you need to rethink the marriage. Otherwise, better to find some way to compromise, imo, even if it means seeing your ac and gc outside your home.

But Carol22, agreeing with everything your dh says? That's a lot to ask, imo. How controlling is dh that people don't dare disagree?!

Thank you all for your comments - they made me feel as if I wasn't completely insane, as quite a few of the posters have experienced something similar - or, indeed, worse. I must admit that I had thought that a few counselling sessions would have sorted this out,but that's not going to happen. Last week DH was still expressing the same views as he's done for years, so no change
Today, the counsellor outlined our options, and I think that he now will take himself off somewhere or other when family's around. This is not my preferred outcome, but if it leads to some sort of resolution, I'll have to get used to it. Can't rally understand why I feel so let down and upset though.
In the session he stated that he 'can't bear to be alone'. Seems as if that's what he's inviting. Off on Saturday to see DD, DS and DGC for a few days. Alone, of course! Can't wait! DD and I going out for dinner Sat evening, so looking forward to a few laughs - there aren't too many of those around here.

Seems like your husband is going to learn how to bear being alone, manny. As you say, not ideal, but its a fair compromise. Hope your hubby is going to be magnanimous about it.

I have no idea why you still want to stay with this man, what for? Are you frightened of being on your own?

Some laughs with your daughter and time with the family - just what the Dr ordered. Have a lovely time and by the time you return I hope your DH has had plenty of time to ponder upon what a dilemma he's placed you in.

Take lots of photos having fun and making new memories with the family so you have them to look through when you're missing them.

Have a lovely time manny and enjoy your family

Let him stew in his own juice on his own, you may decide to stay a bit longer if you are really enjoying yourself!

Enabling yet again huh Jalima

Don't you ever go away on your own then saak?
It's called independence

This thread isn't about independence though is it. It's about a woman that met a man in later life that was great when they had separate lives. Once they married and became joined he makes her life a misery.

I personally believe that he, whether its because he's never had a family (secretly think he's not a nice person) can't adapt to what makes his wife happy.

If someone doesn't enhance your life then they shouldn't be in it.

OP I know you have invested a lot into this person.

However, he will never change and has showed you his true colours.

Personally, I would chose my family (children) over this man.

SAAK , I agree that he will never change and may even get worse ! I just don`t understand these men , it as if they want to isolate you so they get all your attention .

I don't like the sound of "can't bear to be alone" - that rings massive warning bells. Wives aren't comfort blankets and it does make you wonder what his expectations of marriage were when he went into it. I'd go to more counselling on your own to help you sort out your own feelings. Many posters like me who said we can manage to do things separately (certainly in my own case) may not have "clingy" partners, even if they can't deal with a step family.

We obviously don't have a full picture of this man's character but from what has been said about him, so far, by manny it sounds as if he is quite selfish.

Is he giving consideration to how you feel, manny, and to what he can do to improve the situation?
Or is he only concerned about his own problems with being disrupted by visits, or of feeling alone when you are not there?

Hello Mannie, Well done! The counselling has helped you to find a resolution which seems to me to be the best option.
Your problem seems to me that your husband is jealous and doesn't like your attention being on your family.The second problem is that he isn't considering your happiness. You hoped he would change but he won't bend.
That's probably why you feel so upset and disappointed.
Perhaps you can share the palaver that's been going on with your children, let them know how upsetting this has been for you and how important it is for you to have them visit.
I hope it works out for you.Do look after yourself.

Going to your children without DH seems like a lovely solution. Well done you.

Sounds like dh wants to have his cake and eat it too! Doesn't want your family there but doesn't want to be alone. So I'm not so sure he'll choose to "take himself off somewhere" when family is around, unless it is someplace where he has friends or family of his own.

Does he object when you leave to visit your ac and their families? He's going to have to decide which he prefers - having you see your family without involving him or being with you even when your family is there. He's going to have to understand he can't have it all his way.

I think you're disappointed because you hoped the counseling would change dh's attitude and it hasn't. But, at least, maybe it will get him to change his behavior when your ac and families come over, even if that means he leaves the house. I suspect you were hoping that he would suddenly "see the light" and welcome your family with open arms. Sorry, but I think you're going to have to take whatever you can get out of him or rethink if you want to be with him.

I've recently left my 13 year marriage for several reasons but main one being similar to yours. Him putting a wedge between me and my children. The ties between a mother and her children can never be broken. Although mine are adults now I eventually realised that I could no longer bear the thought that they no longer wanted to visit me because of my ex husband's behaviour toward them. It's early days since I left and yes I'm lonely, unhappy and unsure of the future but I am now free to build stronger relationships with my much loved children and grandchildren. Why do some men have to do this? The last thing I want at my age is divorce but I felt I had no option as he wasn't going to change. I hope you can work things out. Whatever you do you're welcome to contact me for some words of support.

Have been away and have just started catching up. I'm so sorry to hear about your marriage breakdown Bean123. I can identify completely with your feelings - I really think there is a strong possibility mine will end too. We have a beautiful house in France with a self contained apartment. My son, his wife and their 3 year old have been staying in it for a few days. The atmosphere created by my DH is awful - I don't respond well to the strain and get really stressed out. My DH left to go back home as he's organising an event over Easter. I felt we could all breathe again. I'm no longer walking on eggshells wondering what the next criticism will be. The difference is astounding. I feel so sorry for him - he's consumed by anxiety but I can do nothing to help him. He won't listen to me. He's rude and unreasonable. The only solution would seem to be to come here on my own with the family. What a shame

If finances permit, how about sending him off to one of those 'no kids' hotels when the family are visiting?
Sadly I can't imagine him changing his attitudes enough when they're evidently so ingrained, and it would seem that he doesn't really want to change them.

I have a friend whose 2nd husband never had children, and he could be 'funny' about her wanting to see her own grown up dcs and grandchildren. I think he resented her attention being diverted from him, but he was a very self centred man altogether.

Let him go. It's obvious that you are happier with your family than him and would rather be with them. Let him find someone else who can love him.