Strained Relationship with MIL

Oh dear, definitely differing expectations and also different needs as individuals. I can understand your concerns purple, it sounds as if your mother in law can be very overwhelming. Although being a first time grandmother is so very exciting I think I would want her to back off a bit as well.

Underneath she does want to help and that is far better than indifference. I wonder if you and your husband could think through a clear strategy for now, it will change as your son gets older I am sure. If you can plan some granny-time that is OK with you both you will have supported the beginning of a relationship with her grandson while staying relaxed yourselves. Then it's hold firm and ignore the rest.

I wonder if it's easier to go to her, are the arriving and departing boundaries easier to manage, although of course you have to transport all the baby gear which is never easy. It sounds as if your husband and his siblings do a bit of muttering about their Mum. I wouldn't worry too much about what she says, all that maters is that you work out something that suits you. Your mother in law so wants to be part of your family, I hope she will get to see that by backing off a bit she will actually have more. Stay patient if you can, hold the boundaries, let her help when it suits you. I really hope it settles for you all.

You don't say what the problems are, so it is hard to know how to respond or to advise.

I'm afraid your MIL, as loving as she is, is one of those Grans who can't seem to grasp that the baby is yours, and you have a right to organise your family life as you see fit.

What is it with women who push to have solitary time with the baby e.g. overnight babysitting? Not just would like to, don't we all, but to be actively pushing and trying wear the young couple down?

We get any number of Grans on here bemoaning the fact that DIL/DD/DS favour the other Gran, don't allow full access, and generally feeling shut out. They need to let go - be supportive and offer babysitting & help and leave it at that.

You and DH do need to have a conversation with MIL, before you lose patience and become estranged.

Pardon????? Purplesneakers has been more than articulate in expressing what the problems are. It's good she has opened up the discussion and is contributing more and more information as she goes along.

That was to greatgranny.

Probably just cross posted

Sneakers, your MIL sounds like mine was 35 - 40 years ago! My husband was a dutiful son, but he 'handled' her rather than have a warm relationship. When I went into hospital to have the babies (you were in for days then) he went to stay at my parents' house, even though his parents were closer! Ridiculous advice was proffered constantly, and she arranged for relatives to visit our house to see the baby without consulting us first. It came to a head over the christening when DD was 3 months old when she tried to dictate who would be invited, what the baby would wear and what I would make for the buffet. I told her in no uncertain terms where the boundaries were. After that, we had an uneasy, but civilised relationship with short visits and never without prior warning. It was partly cultural (MIL was from a traditional Northern family who lived in each other's pockets) and partly personality (she was a very needy person known in her neighbourhood as Hyacinth Bucket!) Unless she is absolutely monstrous, you are right to keep the relationship going. Even though, at times, I detested MIL and her silliness, I was keenly aware that the girls needed to have some sort of relationship with her, and I didn't want my poor husband to be piggy-in-the-middle. Sadly, my first husband died when he was 44. He didn't want to see his mother at the end, and, ironically, it was me who persuaded him to let her visit for one last time, and me who comforted her when he died. It might be, that like me, you have to be the grown-up in the relationship. I went on to remarry and have a very different relationship with MIL 2, which was a relief. Now I am a MIL myself, with a 22 month old GC whom I look after 2 days a week. I have a very warm and jocular relationship with SIL, but I never take it for granted, having had the experience I had all those years ago. Wishing you good luck and good judgement!

My DD lives overseas and I would so love her to have found 'another mother' in her MIL!

Why are your parents staying in a hotel when they come?
Are you that private a person that even your own parents don't stay at your house?

I understand you don't want to be overwhelmed by unsolicited advice from MIL but you sound rather prickly if you don't mind me saying.
Try to reach a compromise.

I think that you should write a letter setting out the ways in which you find the relationship difficult. Then put it in a drawer for a few days. Then take it out and if you want to send it, re-write it imagining yourself as the recipient. Then show it to your husband and ask him how he feels about you sending it.
You really have three choices: trying to solve the problem knowing that it might work or might make it worse; trying to avoid contact totally; or just gritting your teeth and bearing it. None are right or wrong, just what you can live with.

Thanks cornergran - this really resonated with me: 'stay patient, hold firm on boundaries and find ways that she can help' - I think this will really help.

Jalima - my house is tiny (two bedrooms) and my parents are coming along with my sister, her husband and two nieces - a hotel works for them.

'Prickly' implies I take offence easily - which isn't the case. I do accept I am not an easy going, whatever goes sort of person but I'm here to find a compromise or way forward that is sustainable. However, cornergran has suggested on just thinking about the short term, while he is still a baby and we're figuring things out. This may be a better option then trying to 'lay down the law' so to speak.

Thank you Jaycee5 - this is a very thoughtful approach

I'm a lawyer - I think the way I write is coming across a little officious (blame it on years of writing and editing contracts)

My DD has similar issues with her MIL, who spends her time giving contradictory and unasked for advice on how she and her son should be bringing up their, 6 month old, baby. Her attitude is totally alienating my daughter and the situation is getting worse. I wish I could act as a peacemaker, but also find her attitude totally antagonising. So far my daughter has resorted to writing, unsent, letters expressing her feelings, it helps distress her.

Hi PurpleSneakers...it sounds as though your MiL needs to join this forum..

Good point. A letter shoved in a drawer is a better option than boring my friends, snapping at MIL or unloading on DH.

I think you should continue talking with DH until you're in agreement, total agreement on the amount of contact. Going forward, very low contact seems a reasonable approach, allowing DH to carry the burden of his overbearing intrusive mum.

We hear so
Many people on this forum who are experiencing the other side of this situation. Thrilled an excitedabout birth of first grandchild, looking forward eagerly to helping/ babysitting only to be rebuffed by (usually) DiL . They back away bewildered and upset not knowing what they've done wrong.
My DiL fell out with her own mother who admittedly did come across as critical (though I'm sure she was just trying to help). Ideas have changed over the years and it's hard when you have brought up your own children to accept that things are sometimes done dfferently nowadays. The only solution I can see is for you (or your DH?) to gently explain that you find her attention and advice rather smothering and that you are happy to see her (and for her to see the baby) regularly but on your terms,.
We grandparents often feel we are treading on eggshells and sometimes have to be sensitive and zip our mouths when we are dying to give advice/help. It's vey hard!

O'h dear this new gran has got it bad, she loves your baby and everything she used to do is coming back to her and she is one of those grans who feels the need to pass it all on, show off your baby to all and sundry and generally go over the top. I'm not sure but it sounds like she is not nasty to you at all so yes a chat could be good perhaps a set time when she could see you both, later a set time to babysit to try and help her work out the boundaries a bit. I know its difficult for you but like you she hasn't done this before and is getting it wrong, maybe she realises maybe not. I like the letter idea but eventually someone is going to have to slow her down.

ps my mil took no interest at all which also brings its own problems.

Polly - I can definitely see how hard it must be as a new gran. It must seem like you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Especially the DIL/MIL relationship where you don't have the intimacy and history of immediate family to smooth out the bumps.

Lulu - this is spot on!

How frequent are the visits, phone calls and offers of help that are upsetting you? It's difficult for some new, doting grandmas to strike a balance between being thought uncaring and being seen as overbearing.

I am a retired lawyer and I understand the problem.
I was once asked by a client to write a letter to the parents of a boy who was bullying his son. I tried to persuade him that it was not the right way to deal with it as the letterheading alone makes it hostile but he was adamant and I couldn't really refuse as frankly it was the middle of a recession and he was the source of most of my work. It was the hardest thing I ever had to write and I spent most of a weekend on it as I knew that if I didn't get the tone right his son could end up getting battered. He told me later that it had worked but in hindsight I'm still not sure that I should have written it.
Letters do sometimes work though when the personal approach has failed. There seems to be a different psychology that comes into play.

Purplesneakers please keep communication channels open. If your family live abroad then your mil can help you if not now, then in the future.
The relationship between grandchildren and grandparents is so special, do not deprive your mil or your child of that. Your mil appears to want to be involved and Its possible She hAs raised expectations because her friends may see a lot of their grabdchildren and are very involved.
I have a neighbour whose daughter visits almost every day and have to confess to wondering at times why this is not the case with my daughter who comes over
Much less often. Its a standing joke when we see the big white car outside.
You are all learning different roles, if this us your mil first grandchild give her a bit of a break. Its so wonderful and such a joy. She is learning too, which is why communication is so important.

Maggie - I'm going to refrain from giving a number as it will no doubt incite cries of "that's harassment" or "I speak to my mil twice that amount" depending on your preference. I can say that myself and DH find it too much and MIL finds it not enough - and the truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

Jaycee5 - eek... I can imagine the awkwardness of saying no to that client

Shame on him for asking you and putting you in that position. I hope his son is not going through life with the family lawyers being involved at every upset!

Oh dear, when I read this thread I wondered if the MiL could be me! My DiL lives abroad and I do find it very difficult to strike the right balance. when we visit. She comes over as quite distant at times and I'm sure she finds me a little overpowering when we stay with them (there is plenty of room and we sleep in the basement! I love helping out and getting involved with the everyday domestic routines with my GC (toddlers) but I often feel I am intruding. DS is fine but tends to opt out of the domestic front.
I've come to the conclusion that the relationships between her family are very different from ours and I have to respect that. However I do find I am always walking on eggshells and I suspect my anxiety about 'getting it right' just irritates her further! You sound very aware PurpleSneakers, and you are right in that your MiL means well - and that can only be a good thing. All I can say is that to exclude her will make everything much worse! Do try and talk to her at some point so she knows how you feel about the situation and has the opportunity to change her ways. I try and go out with my DiL, just the two of us, and treat her to a meal so that she doesn't feel I just come to see the GC and DS. Not sure if it works but I am trying!