Strained Relationship with MIL

I recognise how important the grandparent/gc relationship is. I would like them to enjoy each other but I'm very nervous (in the long term) if MIL might also overwhelm my son with her intensity?

Of course he will be his own person. With his own personality (not mine!) and I imagine her excitement will ease over time but I do worry her OTT tendencies will overwhelm a small child.

Probably not something I need to concern myself with. Right?

It is basically very difficult when two people have different expectations of their relationship. Your MIL thinks she should be closely involved with the upbringing of your child and look after him on her own while you go out and overnight. You see it rather differently.

I have 3 DDs and my relationship with their children is as different as they are. But I am happy with all of them - they have their own ways of doing things and we have to respect that.

It puzzles me that grandmothers expect to be having a child overnight or to have them in their sole care at times, especially when they are so little. I do not think that should be an expectation, or that it is sad if it does not happen.

It is of course lovely when you are able to develop your own close relationship with a GC, but they are not your children and you should not expect this. Treat it as a bonus if it happens that way.

If your MIL is constantly feeling aggrieved that she does not have these things, then she will waste the time when she is with you all in feeling dissatisfied.

It is not her place to ask to do these things; it is your place to ask her if and when you wish to.

Show her this post!!!

I do believe you should concern yourself with MIL overwhelming your child. Children are people too, they have their own personality and few like to be over run by GPs. It makes them nervous and anxious, at least it does mine. I always sit back and silently wait for my GC reaction, pushing no agenda, then I know I'm not forcing but doing what the GC want.

swji1 - I'm sure she does appreciate it!

I wish my MIL knew that even though she feels I never call her, after my husband she is the person I speak to most on the phone. Not that I want to mind, I don't much like talking on the phone but I get that it is important to her.

Norah - that sounds very respectful - I'm sure you are rewarded with more genuine interactions

I guess I need to focus on one thing first and not worry about what may or may not happen in the future (but be aware nonetheless).

I am a retired Health visitor having qualified in 1970 and retired in 2007. I took time out to care for my DD and lived abroad for a number of years so I did do other things. At the end of my career I ran, with a young breast feeding councillor an antinatal class for grand mother's to be. In 40 years things had changed so much but the grandmothers respected what we said because I knew where they were coming from. There was much laughter with my "no you can't do that anymore". But at least they left the group aware that things would not be as they expected and were able to share with their peers.

I also married into a Latin family "your home is their home" and this takes some adjustment. When a couple get together even if their families lived in the same street it is a merging of 2 cultures but unfortunately families don't recognise this.

Speaking as a gm who would never push or cross boundaries like your mil does - If dh got little or no results when talking with his mom, then I doubt any further discussion will help. That's true, imo, even if she finally gave in when she saw he was really angry. For that reason, I think you and dh should keep things as they are now. Sure, mil "means well" and it's very lovely of you to understand that. But you have enough on your hands with a 9 month old baby, etc. If things are working for you and dh as they are, let it be.

I read your post Lillie....

I think we all have to look at ourselves to understand each situation, but on the whole supportive, loving, unselfish GPs are rewarded by having quality time with their GCs.

You make Grandparents sounds like well trained pets .

Maybe it's the phrase ' are rewarded by' but I am horrified by the picture this conjures up.

So , as long as the OPs MiL does as she's told, doesn't offer unsolicited advice, totally winds in her desire to see/ be with / communicate with her family she might be rewarded by being included?

I am going to stick my head totally above the parapet here ( so donning hard hat and flak jacket I am SOOOOOOO glad this is not my family . My family welcome my advice ( they don't always take it but that's the right thing) , I am not 'rewarded' by time with grandchildren , I am an integral part of their lives and family. ( I recognise how lucky I am ! ) . They have always , since being new borns ( and the oldest is now 10) had sleepovers or day visits to give their often, exhausted parents a break.

I think I'm quite an opinionated woman ( see above ) but I have individual, loving relationships with all 4 grandchildren. Not one is overwhelmed by me as each relationship is different dependent on the child. I think I can say this because they beg to come and visit or stay, if they didn't enjoy our time together I don't think that would be the case.

I think the OP needs a heart to heart with her MiL , their expectations are diagonally opposed so they are both going to be disappointed. Set the expectations , then no one will be hurt/angry/shut out. She's the grandmother not the enemy .

How right you are ajanela I realised early on that the inlaw/outlaw children were coming from very different upbringings, not right or wrong just different, so sometimes you think you are all thinking the same way then you get a rude shock. Even when we thought one inlaw family were just like us in way of life it turned out differently.

Relatingy to my previous post. Guess what car is outside my neighbours house? I will give you a clue....its a large white one.

Think you are right N&G, families need to accommodate each other and respect the differences. A frank and honest talk is needed. Family support is invaluable as PS will come realise when there are difficult times.

How sad these stories are . My son and his wife live in the flat below us with their two children and one of the things we all agreed from the beginning is that we are separate homes with separate ways of doing things and we operate by texting or phone each other to make arrangements etc. I also decided from day one that I would not ever offer unsolicited advice to them re bringing up the kids, and I have tried to offer help when I felt it would be appreciated and that is all. We are very lucky because so far things are a huge pleasure and the kids free flow between our floor and their own but always their mother asks permission.

For sure problems arise and there are times when my very different way with kids to their leads to her asking me to change the way I do this or that. Occasionally I bridle but I always agree because in the end the relationship is the most important thing.

I don't for a moment say I am particularly marvellous or virtuous and obviously I don't have the thing of feeling if only they lived closer.... but my other son, now expecting, lives in Spain and I know I shall see far less of their child, but I hope I can handle that OK.
For grandparents grandkids are, of course, a wonderful gift into life at our late stage, but we have to understand that our children have lives to live at a different tempo and I guess the best way is to make them feel much appreciated during visits, and explain this. Easier said than done I am sure.

It's good to see from your posts PurpleSneakers that although you're finding your m.i.l.'s desire to see and help care for her GC over bearing, you also want to handle the situation with compassion and understanding.

You said in an earlier post that her tendency to be over bearing is noted by her other AC and they're relieved that it's you whose had the first GC. I wonder then if her approach has taken you and your DH completely by surprise or if to some extent you hadn't seen this coming. I also wonder if the intensity of her questioning has always been a factor but with your hands full with your first child, you are more aware of it than you were in the past.

I remember before our first GC was born, my friends telling me I'd probably be taken aback by the overwhelming love I'd feel the first time I ever saw him. They were right, even though they'd told me, it still took me by complete surprise; it will have been the same for your m.i.l. too.

Although not wanted at the moment, there may come a time when you will be grateful of her offer to do overnight baby sitting, giving you and your DH a well deserved rest, possibly giving you the chance to have a night away. There is a degree of geographical distance so that prevents her from popping in unannounced and/or uninvited so it's not as if you have no way of tempering her enthusiasm. I appreciate that long 'phone calls can be as infuriating as unexpected visitors, but at least when on the 'phone you can easily bring the conversation to an end by saying 'I've got to go, there's someone at the door; I was just on my way out; the baby's crying'.

I was upset to read that your DH has "reduced contact". Does her over enthusiasm and her inability to recognise this in herself, as annoying as it must be, really necessitate her having reduced contact with her son? Wont this make the matter worse, fueling insecurities and intensifying her need for contact?

I'm sticking my head above the parapet and joining you NannandGrampy regarding Lillie's post. GC aren't treats to be dolled out as a reward for what their parents perceive to be 'good behaviour' on the part of the GP's. Perhaps if that's how they're sometimes viewed, that's why some are taken away from their GP's as a punishment for what parents regard as 'bad behaviour'.

Please be careful. Almost 5 years ago our ES told us he needed 'some space', we gave it. Seven months later we were cut out of his and our only GC's lives; that was 4.5 years ago. Rather than reducing contact, keep the lines of communication open, no matter how frustrating that may be.

I hope you'll be able to find a way of working through your difficulties that enables all of you to enjoy this relatively new addition to your family. I hope too, that if she isn't already aware of her d.i.l.'s kindness and her willingness to find the best possible outcome, one day she'll know how fortunate she is that you are that d.i.l.

Frankly I find your comments about your MIL awful. The fact that she's different from you doesn't make her a bad MIL. 'Smothering' or 'distant' ...... In your opinion. Perhaps others might describe her as effervescent and warm! And you as cold and indifferent.

Some DILs fill their husbands heads with complaints about their MILs and for a quiet life the men go along with it.

Which is why a sensible MIL knows her place ..... And is one step ahead ..... Especially when the babies come along. We may say nothing to our cold and indifferent in-laws but we sure can think what we like.

Never forget that a most MILs already have sons and daughters so aren't looking for extras. It's not a competition to be the 'favourite' in your husband's life. It would be a huge mistake to make him choose!

"You make Grandparents sounds like well trained pets."

Woof, woof, N&G. I meant "emotionally rewarded" by having the GCs in their lives whether it's every day or from a distance.

It's just a totally foreign concept to me Lillie .

I wonder if the difference is I only have daughters so our relationship is ongoing and pretty much unchanged. Maybe it's the new relationship of DiL/MiL where issues arise?

I'm sure DiLs are different from DDs, N&G, I have both! I'm certain things are said about me in DS's house, but I refuse to be different towards one set of GCs than the others. Like you, they all beg to come to our house or to go on holiday with us (and that's the parents too1)

Of course he will be his own person. With his own personality (not mine!) and I imagine her excitement will ease over time but I do worry her OTT tendencies will overwhelm a small child.

He may love her OTT tendencies - as long as they are not all day every day!
I think my DGC's other grannies are more exuberant and outgoing than me and I envy them that (although one is very OTT) but I tend to do other things with them like cooking or crafts which don't interest the other grans. Although I have been known to play football and go on the zipwire!

You will have to attempt to strike the right balance re visiting and perhaps you or your DH can explain very nicely and calmly it is because you are trying to get baby into a good routine - and ask her to run it by you, please, before she brings other people to your house.

Purplesneakers , I feel very sorry for your MIL . She sounds like a lovely, warm person who is trying, against the odds, to have a relationship with her first GC .
I have a GS who is 6 weeks old so know where she is coming from . I am blessed to have a warm and thoughtful DIL who has encouraged a close relationship from the first day he was born. She values the love that I show my GS , encourages contact because a child needs as much love from as many people as possible . You do come across as quite cold and unemotional whether you mean to or not .

Purplesneakers.I had always viewed my mother in law as a cold distant person and more than happy to see her only son remain single and for him come running and be at her beck and call when ever it suited.That is until he became my husband and she had grand children.She changed overnight.I only had to say the word and she was there.Having two babies close and moving some distance away, my mother worked, MIL could never do enough for me She adored her grandchildren and I let her take over We became closer.I do not know why you do not want that attachment with your MIL.Your child as he grows older will sense your reactions and be aware of any hostility to his gran.For his sake can you not see it in yourself to start building bridges.?

I also don't understand the expectation that grandparents wish to have grandchildren in their sole care or for overnight stays without their parents.
I wonder if that is because I only have daughters. I have looked after two grandchildren on their own one day a week until they went to school, but that was because my daughter had gone back to work . Before she went back to work she would come with the children and I really enjoyed that time with her.

I have never had time alone with my latest grandchild who is 13 months old, because my daughter has been on maternity leave and it has been lovely to have seen more of her, as well as Baby.

Is that because they are my daughters and not daughters in law do you think?

Purple Sneakers sounds a very thoughtful and kind person, not cold at all.

Purplesneakers, you sound lovely, maybe shy or introverted, but your own person, not cold.

Step far back and let your DH sort out his OTT mum, this is not your problem. This is his responsibility as she is his overbearing obnoxious mum, not your mum.

Purplesneakers. Congratulations on becoming a mum! Would it help to arrange for MIL to stay overnight once every month/ two months? She would then know the timetable and would have something to look forward to You would know after a visit that you had a certain length break before she comes again. Could this keep everyone happy? Good luck with improving things.

NanaGrampy
You mirrored my thoughts.
Grandchildren can be a joy and whatever opinion I had of my MIL changed when I observed the difference her grandchildren made to our DIL V MIL relationship
A grandchild should be a regular part of a grandparents life not as a 'treat' decided by mum and dad.

Of course it's up to mum and dad to decide if they want to allow access, the children are theirs not something shared. I don't own a share in my GC, their are fully my dds and sils children. How silly it sounds to say that parents don't decide for their under age children.