Strained Relationship with MIL

PurpleSneakers, you sound lovely to me: thoughtful and sensitive. I'm one of the 'constantly learning' MiLs and eggshells or zips are a permanent part of my survival kit. I find being a GP an absolute joy (much to my surprise) and sometimes overwhelming. I'm regularly frustrated by the gap between meetings but I live with it and pretty much drop everything (they don't know this, of course) when an opportunity of a get together is presented in whatever shape or form. I have a hankering towards the idea of trying to have a nice lunch for just the two of you. I find these helpful. If one works then you go on to try for another. If not, forget it. Bonding for clashing personalities is a challenge always but what could be better as the common thread than a wonderful and well loved child between you. That's the best foundation I can think of. Good luck.

I have to disagree * Norah* in our family at least we do 'share' the grandchildren.

It takes a village to raise a child and we bring something quite different to the table and my daughters are wise enough to recognise that. We have the time that can be in short supply for them , we have the patience to do some things that cannot be fitted into a busy working families lifestyle.

We are also excellent support for emergencies - the children know us well, have their things here and consider our house interchangeable with theirs.

My daughters and their husbands make all the decisions pertaining to the children of course but there's no reason for it to be a them and us situation.

At the end of the day we all want the same thing - happy , cared for , loved grandchildren.

Who said anything about GP's having a share in their GC, until you did Norah? What some of us are saying is that contact with GP's shouldn't be regarded as a reward, emotional or otherwise, for behaviour perceived as acceptable by parents. I've lost count of the number of times I've read that P's don't have a right to see their AC and be a part of their lives, that parents don't 'own' their children. Yet when it suits, and it usually seems to be the case when an AC has, or is thinking of limiting contact between GP's and their GC, it suddenly becomes acceptable.

Why when a GP offers to have their GC for an overnight stay is it often regarded by some as an expectation Ilovecheese? Why can't it be seen for what it is, an offer of help and support? "In their sole care or for overnight visits without their parents"; we're talking about GC staying with their GP's for goodness sake, not staying with strangers.

My brother and I regularly stayed with GP's when our parents weren't there. We have friends whose GC regularly stay with them overnight to give their parents a break and when the offer is made, it's met with appreciation and without sinister under tones.

I don't believe in the "it takes a village" bit, I believe it only takes dedicated parents. Parents who do not have to "share" what's theirs by virtue of parenthood. I know we don't "share" our GC and GCC, we are at the edges not in the middle of the mix. Been there done that, we're just GPs now.

Well purple sneakers I don't know if you are still reading these replies there are a lot of them. I do however without wanting to seem patronising at all really admire you for having the courage to post the issue and therefore gain an understanding of others perspective. I so wish my own DIL had done the same 10 years ago. It could have been her describing me in some ways...not all! but- from her perspective but nothing could have been further from the truth re who I am and what I would wish for my family. I am a mother to 2 sons ( stayed at home for 9 years) then developed a highly successful career. BUT when it came to seeing my first grandchild I didn't think I could love anyone as much as I did him. I lived 200 miles away so all I wanted was to see him every couple of months and to love him ( not smother him- I hadn't my own sons ) I wont bore you with the rest of the story but it has been a difficult relationship and my son isn't as close as he used to be...BUT we are all still in there, I do have my grandchildren here ( now 11 & 8 ) for little holidays and I have seen them with gaps of anything from 6 weeks to 3 months in that time.....BUT we are so close and we love each other....that's all you ever want as a grandma is to love and be loved. I hope you can talk, we haven't been able to , I have just stayed in there and sensed when things might be Ok. Not what I wanted but such is life. You have time to save this relationship- whatever your MIL is like the kids can only benefit in the long term....and I hope so will you. The very best to such a brave mum

Every family is different and there are many points of view depending on family traditions, personalities and proximity or otherwise of grandchildren. Ths is obvious from the varied comments here.
It's hard to know what the Op and her MiL are really like - we are only getting one side of the story so I'm not keen on the use of adjectives such as 'cold' and 'overbearing'. Also I think some have been a bit harshtowards Lillie and also Norah just because they dont agree with that point of view. I dont think Lillie meant literally that access to grandchildren is a reward for good behaviour! It's a reasonable metaphor : as in if you work hard you will be rewarded by doing better in tests; if you are sensitive to DiL s feelings and wishes you will be rewarded by more frequent invitations. Makes sense to me!
Purple Does your MiL use a computer/smart phone? I find that communicatig by email/text/whatsapp is great. You dont feel you are bothering them when they are busy and they can send photos of GC which is lovely (and you can show your friends !!)
Its sn udea fir mire frequent but less inteusive. Communication.

Sorry didnt check last sentence! I meant its an idea for more frequent but less intrusive communication.
Flippin phone with fiddly little keyboard!

Thank you Polly, yes the reward comment was a metaphor and I did try to explain it by saying "rewarding", like doing a day's gardening is rewarding. I wasn't talking about receiving any recompense for good behaviour!

I really don't 'get' that 'grandchildren are not for sharing' as if they are some sort of commodity.

A myriad of research has established that good, kind grandparents add another dimension to GC's lives and are of enormous benefit in terms of love and caring.
And, before anyone challenges this, I DO mean the good ones.

It amazes me when I hear of cases where a GP has very limited access to GC
until mum returns to work and then needs some childcare after school and in the school holidays. Sitting with a friend in a coffee shop a while back, she was bemoaning the fact that she had to jump through hoops to see her DGC. Just at that moment she received a text saying 'Would you like to see the kids?' Immediately my friend texted back that she would love to and when would be convenient. Back came a text 'Can you come now as I want to go to the gym but my friend can't watch them.' Funny that. Can you guess what my friend did?

Norah. You obviously have a large family with AC, GC and GGC. And I guess you don't have to 'ask' if you can see them. How wonderful that must be but, spare a thought for GP with only one or two AC and maybe only one GC - that's a whole different ballgame...

Why are our children so horrible to us. They're all on the same road as us. Wonder how they'll feel when their children treat them as they treat us?

That's a very sweeping statement Grannygrunt. The OP sounds very thoughtful to me - her intention appears to be to reach a compromise, not to be horrible to anyone.

Has your husband thought of stating a congregate boundary for example 'mum do not come to our house unannounced' and then if she crosses that boundary he can enforce and action. So he could say 'mum as you didn't respect my boundary you are not allowed to my home for the next 2 months'
This not only ensures she hears you loud and clear and so in the furtive can't complain that she never knew what happened but also gives your DH some breathing space so she doesn't make him snap.
It may take a village but you are the chief

* concrete
* future!

I really wish GN would let us edit posts!

Wow thanks for the responses everyone. I can't reply to each one but let me pull out the important parts.

With respect to drop ins vs arranging visits: This is definitely a matter of personal preference and both are 'right' and 'normal'. My own FOO loved random drop ins, and If they lived nearby I would have to gently advise them DH and I prefer to schedule. For me calling ahead to work out a convenient time, is respectful of our time and our space and it means I can work out a time that allows MIL to have time with her GC when he is awake, when I'm actually free and when she can have time with him without one of my many friends being present too. PP is right I don't have to worry about drop ins from my mil (about 10 hours drive away), but she is fond of calling to advise she will be in town for a visit, for example
"I'm coming into your town tomorrow lets do lunch" and she is always put out and surprised to find I have plans. If I don't have plans I do meet up but being a busy mum who likes to get out of our tiny house - I often have plans right at the time she wants to visit. I wish she would give me more notice so I could arrange things better. Sometimes I'm just tired and don't feel up to company. That is my choice.

We do make the effort to meet halfway and we visit her town 1-2 a year.

A few comments have implied or stated I may be influencing DH. This is simply not the case. You may be projecting your own situation here or are unwilling to take AC at their word.

I agree that grandparents are not a 'treat', although that is not an awful role to fill! However, when a relationship is strained as ours has become there is naturally less contact.

I feel uneasy at the thought of 'keeping sweet' to ensure MIL is likely to provide favours/help at a later stage when I might need it, as some have suggested. This doesn't sit right with me. It is one thing to build bridges to improve relationships and another to tolerate exhausting behaviour purely to benefit at a later date. I'm sure MIL would be very upset to be 'tolerated'.

In regard to PP who find my cold or distant, well, different strokes for different folks... I am quiet and reserved and very happy in my own skin. MIL and I don't need to agree on everything or like the same things to have a great relationship! These comments seem to imply because of my nature my concerns aren't valid. Only valuing the opinions of people who share your point of view is a dangerous path to take IMO.

Can I ask how would you like to be spoken to (as MIL) if this was your situation?

'DH feels she is struggling with the transition from parent to grandparent and she has also damaged their relationship by not respecting his boundaries. He has also reduced contact.'

Has he told her this?
This stuck out like a sore thumb.
I think he needs to talk to her and explain that her not listening is damaging their relationship. Forget your relationship with her and the grandchild for a minute, the relationship between a son and mother is on the rocks.
She isn't really going to see much of her grandchild at all if she keeps pushing him away by not listening to him.

Polly Perkins - this is a great idea. I actually used to send photos very frequently but I have really put the breaks on since we visited a cousin(not close) over christmas and found an intimate photo of us in our pjs with LO on her fridge. MIL had printed out a photo we had sent to her alone and given it to cousin (and I don't want to think about who else... I shudder to think there are photos of me relaxed, disheveled (not naked but definitely not decent) on her colleagues desks). We haven't said anything, as I don't want to make a big deal out of every little thing - but we've just reduced the amount of photos and only shared the ones we're happy sharing on social media for example (we don't post a lot on Facebook).

RedheadedMommy - I see your point. No, I don't feel MIL understands the damage she is doing. I agree their relationship is really the bedrock. I will talk to him about it but it is really up to him to manage.

PurpleSneakers "RedheadedMommy - I see your point. No, I don't feel MIL understands the damage she is doing. I agree their relationship is really the bedrock.

I will talk to him about it but it is really up to him to manage."

This is the entire point. Hammer meet nail.

www.childcare.co.uk

Check out this website.
They have Nannies, childminders and ad hoc babysitters.
This means you never have to tolerate someone on the basis you 'might' need them in the future for some babysitting.

I want to clarify that I don't mind someone calling me with no notice for lunch! That's lovely. It's just if I can't make it MIL is very hurt and feels I never make time for her or want her around. So there is a bit of an emotional outburst when I inform her I already have plans.

Somebody mentioned that it is not right to assign labels when you only know half the story. This is so true. I'm trying to be balanced, but of course this is my perspective. Even in the above paragraph perhaps the 'emotional outburst' is, to her, a healthy and normal expression of disappointment.

I think, as many others have suggested, that it is not a case of my being 'right' and she is 'wrong' but rather two people who have very different needs and expectations trying to meet in the middle. Although, I freely admit there is some things I am not willing to not compromise on (how I spend my free time, my right to be alone with my child, right to family time, right to privacy, right to parent my child the way we want etc).

So you'd recommend a total stranger over a loving but annoying grandmother to care for your pride and joy? Bibbitty???

Worlds gone nuts

Norah - I get your point. A few other posters have suggested I back off and let them handle it. Others have suggested I keep communication lines open and aim to make things better through finding things we can all compromise on.

I'm hoping to do both, if possible.

Yes get her to join GN. Then she might be a bit more understanding and be able to reflect on how her behaviour might appear to others. Having a grand child is so exciting that we G.P s can get a bit carried away! do try to build some sort of relationship with her.

Actually NanaandGrampy there are several advantages to paying for care when I need it. Especially at short notice. I don't have to host them overnight on my couch, my MIL doesn't have to drive all this way, there would be no debate about our parenting decisions and if it doesn't work out I can let them go no hard feelings. It also means I'm not using MIL for free childcare simply for my benefit, something I've noted his mentioned a bit on this forum.

I will mention it to her (joining GN) she has moved often (partner's work) and she does not have many friends near her and none who have gc. She might find it helpful.