Cowardly and cruel?

Phoenix, not much to add other than to send some love and positive thoughts. Family relationships are always complex, just some more than others. Please be gentle with yourself and with your son. x

I don't think I've ever heard of anything so cruel. I wouldn't even read her letter. If it is to explain why you were left out of the will, you don't need to know the reasons. If it's to explain why she behaved the way she did over the years, I'm sure you've grieved many times already for 'losing' her. You can only grieve now for the fact that it's finally too late to be put right.

Go home from the funeral and shed a tear if you need to, as it will be a very emotional occasion and tears help to heal.

Then I would write a letter to your mother, take both of them to the garden and burn them. Bury the lot - the words and the emotions. Dig the ashes into the soil, where they will return goodness to the soil for the plants around them.

Think of all of us willing you through tomorrow.

Nothing left to say except here is another one who will be willing you on tomorrow
Take care of yourself now

Ginny42 what a lovely thoughful suggestion.

wish I could say something to ease the pain .
Get through tomorrow and plan something nice for the weekend
Perhaps some wine and fresh flowers

Xxx

Thank you all so much, the posts mean a lot.

Mr P will not be coming to the service, but some dear friends who knew mum are coming from Surrey to Devon, just for the service (there is no after funeral get together/wake) so at least I know they will be supportive!

I had a bit of a hollow laugh at one point, when DS1 was describing how he was going her address book , and was saying "no good contacting x, she'd fallen out with them, same with y, they weren't speaking".

He feels that there won't be many there tomorrow, which says something.

Phoenix

Keep your chin up and 'just get through it gracefully'.

?

Phoenix

Phoenix I am so sorry you are going through this. You have been through enough, she didn't need to add any more. You must have felt really upset to hear of the letter.

Some good advice from previous posters. I am glad you will have good friends to accompany you. I also think counselling would be a good idea, it's hard to get this sort of treatment out of your head for a very long time without some professional help.

Dear phoenix I was wondering if (assuming you would feel strong enough) there would be any chance at all for you to get up and say something. I know the service is arranged but could you not have a "word" with the vicar at the last minute and ask if it would be possible for you to say a couple of lines? Maybe explain the situation and tell him that despite everything you did have feelings for the person who brought you into the world and would appreciate the chance to share a minute of your thoughts. This may not be appropriate, I am just clutching at straws.

I can't help but think your own family are treating you very badly and your own son is reenforcing the nastiness. I wonder how many people will be at the ? (not counting those who are there only to support you?) maybe a word to your son on the lines of " I tend to think that the number of genuine mourners is often a good indication of how one has lived ones life"

I am unable to sleep tonight and I am thinking about you.

Oh dear. Once again I should have read through before posting. So many errors. Sorry.

I hope the service goes ok. I think it is best for you to be quietly dignified and say nothing. Just get through it and leave sorting out your head for later. Please don't fall out with your DS over any of it and thank him for making all the arrangements. Thinking of you.x

Thank you everyone for this post ,
you see seven years ago, i left my own life(and husband ) in limbo and moving from my holiday home in Greece ( I have rhumatoid arthritis and the sun helps ) to look after my mother for eight weeks as she was in late stages of lung cancer .During this time we became so close and had a wonderful last few weeks together , I did my absolute best I could have ever done and I finally had the reliationship I always yearned for with her , I know she really appreciated it as she kept telling me so , she would say I was a star that she couldn't have done it without me ... I must add tho my younger brother aged 54 ( who was her favourite and under her total control ) had been living in the family house and had never done anything to help at all.

The house was falling down around their ears as my mother couldn't pay for the upkeep my brother had never even contributed in any way to the upkeep of the house so you get my drift .... There were only two beds in the house and my brother refused to give his bed up for me so I ended up sleeping on a 50 year old sofa ! And looking after my mother full time ! I also had to use the library two miles away to contact my husband by email to check in as I was not allowed to use the phone or my brothers computer due to cost !

When my mother died she left me such a nasty letter ....she was always so controlling and would use passive aggressive statements to belittle me but I did try to stand up for myself but was so difficult . She seemed to like a good victim though someone she could boss around and 'help'

I was gutted with he letter as she knew it was waiting for me when she had gone ..she could at anytime have said to me that there was a letter please rip it up and do not read ... But she didn't .. It was such a smack in the teeth , my brother who got no letter had the house left to him and continues to live there with the house in even more disrepair ....she said because I'd done so well with my life that I didn't need it ! Ok , but what about her only grandchildren ? They have missed out when they could have done with a bit of help and to add insult to injury my brother said he has left his entire estate to my eldest as that was my mothers wish ! she had her favourites did my mother and my youngest two were obviously not in the club ! I've tried to talk to brother but he won't be budged so from beyond the grave she will be tweaking his strings ... I've not told my youngest two as I will probably not be here by then or maybe brother will be struck (ha ha by conscience )

There is now the only one rule in our family NO FAVOURITES we are all appreciated for the unique talents we have , this is the lesson my mother taught me ... The hard way !
Sorry for rambling on ..... It's my therapy !

You will get through this just be strong and determine to live your life to it fullness , don't let the letter define you xxx

BillysMummy that is so sad, and I've had a taste of this myself so I emphasise completely.

I've found the only way is to cut these people out of your life, even posthumously! Forget the fact she was your biological mother (or sister, or daughter) you don't need these people in your life or in your thoughts if they are dead .

Well phoenix, I can only say that you are not going through today on your own. People care about you and there are gransnetters all over keeping you in their thoughts.

Thinking of you today Phoenix. It is not you who is the bad person. It sounds like your Mum deserves the dreary service she is being given. You tried, now put it behind you as soon as possible.

Phoenix I hope you get some support today and you get through it ok. I hope the letter, if you choose to read it, may give you some answer to why your mother has been the way she has. Big, big hug. You can understand a lot from people's posts and I cannot believe that you would ever have done anything to deserve such treatment. You have such a lovely warm sense of humour, please phoenix don't let this bring you down. Get through today and then put it behind you if you can

phoenix I hope today isn't too distressing for you, don't let it drag you down. Move on and be happy

Flipping heck phoenix - I've typed something about a dozen times but the signal on this bit of Suffolk coast is crap really rubbish.

I thought my mum was bad but this takes the biscuit. If you do go to the funeral remember we are crammed into the pew/seats next to you!!

I would want to read the letter so that I could get crosser than ever but you might not want to risk it bringing other sad events to the fore although I know they will be near the surface anyway.

I am bewildered by your son feeling it appropriate to mention the will just prior to the funeral. My brothers and I are avoiding that particular elephant in the room until after the funeral.

We are here for you to offload afterwards.

Forgot to add the huge (((hugs)))!!

I'll be thinking of you today, phoenix. What a blessing that your friends will be there to support you.

Could I just add that I agree with what a previous poster suggested - that your DH read the letter first and perhaps let you have an edited version, if it turns out to be upsetting.

Thinking of you today, phoenix

Chin up

Dear Phoenix I have been reading this thread and it is so sad that you have been treated so badly by your mother. I am familiar with the situation of family favourites having been on the receiving end of this all my life. I reluctantly went to my mother's funeral to appease my youngest brother (the favourite and only heir ) and I have regretted it ever since because I now feel like a hypocrite. Grrr...
I hope it went well today and I hope you can get some closure now. ?
Billysmummy ?for you too.

phoenix whatever you do today we are all there with you. In the days/weeks/months to come we will still be there, offering strength and support, whenever you need us. and ((hugs))

to all who are or have been in similar situations.