Cowardly and cruel?

The funeral will soon be over Phoenix but we are all there with you and will be afterwards too when you read the letter and come to terms with it.

Families seem to have a special sort of cruelty for each other and hone in on hitting the weak spots. My eldest sister was just such a one and I have had to do as so many on here advise, and cut her out of my life posthumously. Hope you can come to terms with it and above all keep your relationship with your DS intact.

I think I might have wanted to read the letter before the funeral kittylester .

Just back from seeing Kathy, the Vicar, who is lovely. (She took the service for the interment of DS2's ashes, which were buried by my stepfathers grave. Mother is to be buried next to him, as when he died she paid for a double plot.)

I was able to read through the eulogy and make some additions to it.

Now about to put a bit of make up on, then I will be setting off.

Thank you all so much for the good wishes.

You're in my thoughts today Phoenix

This is the second time in as many weeks where I have heard of a mother sending a letter to a child after her death. This happened to a dear friend of mine recently and she did this:

She went to the coffin (it was open) and placed the nasty letters inside and said to her mother in a loud voice 'Well, you can take these with you, I don't want them, and when I get to the side, I will be taking you to task over it. I will not forgive you, you will regret doing doing this.'

I thought, what a wonderful thing to do and she said it helped her enormously. She felt empowered over death.

I'm so sorry to read about your pain, and I can empathise with you. My late MIL sent a nasty letter to my DH (she was still alive) cutting him out of her Will because, according to her, he 'was not the son a mother should expect'. Those words crushed him, as he had looked after her to the near detriment of our own family. It caused him to cut all contact but, after a year had passed, she regretted her action.

I do hope you can see your way through this. xx

Good luck with today's service - I am so glad that the vicar is pleasant and sympathetic.

In contrast to Bluegayn58's friend's decision, I think that forgiveness is the route to go down; holding onto the hurt an anger causes pain to you and does not alter anything. I feel that, from knowledge of you through your posts, you will rise above this and move forward in your life without hanging on to your (entirely justified) anger and hurt.

I think there are lots of people here who will have you in their thoughts today.

Phoenix and Billysmummy Thinking of you today, Phoenix.

Be brave

My thoughts would be go to the funeral behave as if there was no problem.

If you have a photo of your mother as a beauty queen maybe you could put it in a frame and put it with the sash on or by the coffin. Another idea would be to have the sash included in a wreath or bouquet from you. The vicar or undertaker could help you with this even at the last minute.

Take the letter from your son and read it as and when you want and make no comment to your son. If the letter is nasty, it is confirming what you already know. Don't let her haunt you from the grave. She can only do more harm if you let her. Try to make it clear by your behaviour, not words, that you expect respect from your son. Don't let your son control you and take the place of your mother.

What I am saying try to rise above all this, believe in yourself, and if needed get counselling which does help.

A letters of wishes is merely an explanation of why someone who might have been expected to benefit from a will was excluded. They never make easy reading but are a mechanism there in case a will is contested.

I would take the sash and place it on her coffin, maybe with a picture of her when she won it. It was a part of her life and as you have kept it all this time means somemthing to you.

Your son is bereaved and trying to do the best he can, probably thinking he is saving you a painful task, men do see things differntly. He will miss her I am sure. Don't let estrangment become a family pattern.

It is hard to lose a mum, especially when things haven't been happy because time to put things right have gone.

Good luck on the day

Phoenix all things will pass, as will this day. Head held high get through it and then go home and do whatever you need to do. They say it's wrong to speak ill of the dead, but personally I don't believe death sanctifies people. Your evidence suggests that she was quite definitely cowardly and cruel. Yes, she gave birth to you but clearly didn't understand the concept of being a mother. Simply appalling treatment of her daughter. Be good to yourself. You sound like a strong woman and you will get past this. {flowers]

Phoenix thinking of you today.

[flowers ]

You have my deepest sympathies.

My DM was ill for more than a decade. I took a lot of unpaid leave from work, on at least half a dozen occasions in order to travel hundreds of miles to look after her. I had been in a long distance relationship with my DP but I ended it as it wasn't practical to travel to see him as well whilst my DM was so ill.

When my DM's will was read she had left £25k to my DSis and some money directly to the DGC but nothing to me. I know when I finally get my pension it will be reduced because of all the unpaid leave I took. I also miss my former DP.

Sometimes parents suck!

Reading about your visit with the vicar it sounds as if lots has been resolved and you were able to add your memories. That was a sort of counselling. We usually say rest in peace to the departed but my wish for you is to live in peace.

I am thinking about you PHOENIX....Please Don`t give that evil woman another thought, as she is not worth it. HUGS

Phoenix

Your story is almost identical to mine. I was born in 1959, mother was 18 and a beauty queen. Got pregnant and had to give it up all up and marry my father. She had 5 more children but singled me out and hasn't really ever spoken to me in a long time. When I was 16, she told me she'd never loved or wanted me and that I was a mistake.
Instead she favoured my brother. I was the family scapegoat, he was the golden child.

I hope you're OK. I'm a women's fictional writer and I write about these family situations now. Amazing how we've walked a similiar path. xx

My Mum admitted to trying the gin and hot bath treatment on me! - clearly it failed. And she too saw us children as curtailing her freedom to have a career. Sad that people hold that sort of grudge for a whole life - what a waste. She was a strong women's libber - unfortunately it only served to make her bitter.

Women of our mothers' generation were betwixt and between when it came to freedom of choice - a carrot being dangled before them (especially during the war), but so much holding them back. I think we just have to make allowances and forgive and forget - any other route leads to misery and bitterness.

Let us know how it went phoenix and stay strong.

Thinking about you this afternoon phoenix, so pleased you could speak with a thoughtful Vicar.

I've only just picked up on this thread, phoenix and my heart is sore just reading how things have and continue to be for you with your mother. Those who are difficult and hurtful in life often seem to manage to be just the same in death. I'm glad the vicar was the listening sort and hope it's gone as well today as it could have done and that having good friends beside you has helped a bit.
Thinking of you as you try to find peace in midst of it all, whether you chose to read the letter or not is your decision to make x

Caring parents leave a final act of love in their wills usually. This graces the offspring and let's them know they were loved and wanted.

In our case Phoenix, leaving us out of the will and a letter is a final act of THEIR bitterness and rejection of us. It's the last way of making us suffer and it's a rotten legacy to leave behind. Unless you're made of steel, I wouldn't read the letter.
My heart goes out to you. It was never you that was the problem. xx

Elfie - I know how that feels. I had a difficult relationship with my Mum caused mainly by the belief that I wasn't actually her child (I had been in hospital as a baby and she was sure that the child she was given back wasn't hers). For most of my life she would make little comments about it and pointed out the similarities between my sister and my brother (hair/eye colour, problems with tonsils and teeth) that I didn't have. When she was in hospital after having a series of mini-strokes but was still able to talk I was with her overnight and she told me then that she loved all her children. I asked her if that meant me as well and she turned her head away and refused to answer me. She passed away a few days later. I have since had a DNA test done with my half sister and we are slightly more than 50% related - so at least I have the comfort of knowing that my Dad was my Dad. I wish it had been possible to have a DNA test done when Mum was still alive (but, as my daughter has pointed out to me, she probably wouldn't have chosen to believe it anyway).

I think all will related stuff should be left until after the funeral, gillybob.

But how do we know the letter has anything at all to do with a will kittylester? (apologies if I have missed something).It could just contain nastiness or there again (surprisingly) it might contain remorse and a plea for forgiveness.