Bullying

Seems like every grumpy old man ever to me. If this has been your relationship for years then it must have suited you in some ways.

I would say to him, 'either you ask me before switiching that telly off or I shall get my own and watch that one' although I am pretty sure you can watch stuff on the laptop without the TV on I think it is a ittle delayed timewise.

You only feel like a child, you are not a child and can take some control of things. He doesn't seem to be beating you or keeping you locked up, he is just aggravating and that is the human condition, you probably get on his nerves too. He has a routine and is stuck in a rut.

Maybe you feel trapped with an old man and want something new and exciting and his little foibles highlight that for you.

If you are safe but cheesed off, you can change that for yourself.

Good luck.

But she doesn't sound as if she backs down all the time Ankers

In the original OP he asks if she wants the tv left on and instead of saying 'yes, I want to watch something, I'll turn it down so as not to disturb you' she starts telling him that it doesn't cost much and she pays hakf the bill anyway!

There may be more to it all than that but that doesn't sound like someone walking on eggshells, it sounds like someone not handling the situation very well.

It takes two to make an argument.
Perhaps they both need some help in learning how to approach differing expectations and in compromise.
There doesn't appear to be much joy in the house.

Diddy
Control freaks make your life a misery and I feel for you
You say you are 75, how old is your partner? Pulling the bed covers over his head not wanting to discuss the situation is what a child might do which come to my next questions
Is the way he is behaving nothing unusual? has he always been like this or did it all start within the last 12-18 months.
If he has always been like this then personally I would have left him well before I was 75.
If this is not normal for him then I believe it is a job for the medical profession. Don't try and diagnose for yourself get help from a doctor.You can't live like this as your health will suffer.

He still goes to work so presumably has to get up early and the tv may disturb him.
How old is he? If he is in his mid 70s too he may just be worn out with working, tired and crochety.

Diddy. I know exactly how you feel. It's horrible having to put up with the behaviour and not having the choice to leave. I wish I had left years ago but as you get older it's daunting and you stay and just get irritated instead of scare and lacking in self esteem and confidence whenever you were younger. You are not alone

Diddy1, I am not sure whether I agree with all the posters on this thread who are saying that this is a mere case of 'men will be men', forget it. It sounds if if you OH could be seriously bullying and 'gaslighting' you. You would be in the midst of the controlling behaviour so might well not be able to judge how serious it is.

The problem is that, if the purpose is not actually to save money by turning off the TV but to control you, if you let him get away with it he will proceed to an even worse piece of domination to get your attention. It could get dangerous if he is pushed to extremes.

Perhaps you could test him. Try ignoring the TV nonsense (and it is nonsense as it costs mere pence too have a TV on standby) and see if he changes tack and tries to control you ever something else.

If this turns out to be the case then you will really have to think about coming back to the UK and being safe. You are thinking about all the negative things and difficulties in starting again but what about the positives? That you, a nice, well meaning, good hearted person who does no harm to anyone, lives a life free of bullying and fear. Is that not appealing?

Actually, just reading the first post on this thread, it doesn't sound as though the partner is doing any sort of bullying or 'gaslighting'!

If he always turns te tv off when he goes to bed, and you always turn it on again Diddy1, why did you even mention it? And I'm not surprised he pulled the covers over himself if you persisted in making your point again in the bedroom...

Just to add that, not only is this (control) a male generational thing , but that when retired, a lot of men like to assert themselves more than formerly( as they have now no occupational role to do this.)
diddy I would let the small things( elements of control) go, and only worry about anything bigger, in other words pick your battles.Examples, my DH always restacks the dishwasher ( so what, it makes me laugh, and it's his time he is wasting) he also rearranges foodstuffs in the pantry sometimes ( he is more orderly than me) complains about lights left on, insists on doing all the finances and paperwork etc etc.
None of which bothers me, he likes to be very organised and although working part time, even though he is 70, after retirement became more 'picky' about things.
Now, if something bothered me I would say so, but mostly it's water off a ducks back.
Am sure that all long married couples annoy each other ( lots of times!) but if you can't shrug something off, then do talk to him about it when the time is right and you are both feeling calm.It may be that he feels he can no longer influence anything and feels he has no control, and this is his way of allaying his anxieties.?

Hi Diddy, I also have a husband who often behaves in this way, but he is also caring in his own way. I've lived with him for over 40 years so I'm mostly used to him and his strange ways. I try to concentrate on his good points, which are many, and ignore his minus points mostly, though at times I do react I'm afraid. I recognise the turning off of the television, sometimes I go to the loo only to find the television and all the lights turned off when I return because 'you weren't even in the room, so no point in wasting electricity'. I just turn them back on again, just as I turn the heating up and water heating on as and when I want/need it, otherwise they would be seriously rationed. I occasionally remind him of the large number of half used bottles of stuff along with other unused things he keeps in the garage, and the waste of money there, but mostly I just do my own thing and refuse to be bothered. It works for me, maybe it could work for you.

I've just remembered a related story - my FiL was very dictatorial - a woman's place is in the kitchen etc. His wife died young, and he eventually married a more feisty lady.
Once when we were visiting they had been arguing and he told her to get on cooking the meal. I burst out laughing, he didn't like that at all.
She didn't stay much longer though.
So Diddy that's another ploy to try.

I agree with maddyone if he behaves this way now he will never change, so the best thing to do is not react, which is what he wants, just turn on what you want to turn but remember to turn it off so he cannot have a go at you in the morning. I think it is very rude to turn things off when someone else is watching and he must be doing this just to wind you up.

Have to say though, energy is very expensive so whatever you can save helps.

I can just imagine what kind of post your husband would put on here Diddy1. I wouldn't even take part in these little squabbles. I certainly would not let them bring me to tears.

Some men are at a loss when they retire. My dil's father is like this with his wife. She used to let him get away with it at first, but now she is asserting herself. He was a Snr Manager in a company, and used to having his word obeyed by his staff. My own husband used to try it on too but I soon told him I was not one of his underlings and I was retired too, so not to expect me to be waiting hand and foot on him. He didn't like it at first but peace is restored and we are back to normal again. Maybe he needs a hobby or some mates to go out with? Mine goes out twice with his friends each month. Great for me, I get on with my painting without a critic looking over my shoulder. Men aye! Different planet etc. When he treats you like this again just say 'PILLOCK' to yourself and do your own thing.

rosesarered I think your DH and mine may be quite similar!
I have learned to salute and say 'Yes Sir' then ignore him.

It can work to my advantage too, though, as he is so much better at certain tasks - those I don't want to do.

We only know one side of the story which makes it difficult to assess the situation properly.

Yg your last sentence!

Diddy I am concerned that underlying all this is a feeling of loneliness

I don't think proper Sociopaths come in to the same category as your OH Diddy. It is a man thing, they love to be in control.

www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/sociopath-psychopath-difference#1

I'm just wondering if he's under some stress that he's not telling you about?
I know electric is very expensive abroad, water not so bad but when DH and I lived abroad he would go bonkers if I ran the tap when I was brushing my teeth because you pay for what you use in Greece.

I understand how you feel cut off when you live in another country, sending hugs XX

Dear Diddy1 if you are staying with him develop your own life. You have a computer you can down load Skype or something similar and get a list of friends around the world who you can skype on a regular basis. Then hopefully which every country you are in you have some good social contacts you can build on etc.

I am sure once you settle down to a satisfying life routine DH will seem less bothersome. Mine regularly deletes things we have agreed to record from me to watch, before I have watched them. He says its my fault because I haven't already watched it!!! I go immediately to iplayer or whatever and get it up on my computer. Last time there were just 6 hrs left for it to be available.

I see this type of behaviour as one of his foibles. He does so much in the garden and house in terms of maintenance and running that he is much more valuable to me doing what he does as I could not enjoy my lifestyle without him. Also we do do some things together.

Now he is away for 3 days. I am due to have my hair cut tomorrow, and so have booked a free 30 min makeover with Boots to follow and researched some new hair products etc. So I have a nice morning to look forward to.

I used to have a motto I pasted onto my exercise books at school 'dum vivimus vivamus' which I think meant whilst we life let us enjoy life. The school teachers did not agree but I still think its very important that we find out how to within our circumstances.

just looked it up on the internet.

Dum vivimus vivamus is a Latin phrase that means "While we live, let us live." It is often taken to be an epicurean declaration. This Latin phrase was the motto of Philip Doddridge's coat of arms.

I have just looked a little further on the internet and I can now see that it is associated with things which make it not not quite as simple as I thought!!

—Epicurus believed that what he called "pleasure" was the greatest good, but that the way to attain such pleasure was to live modestly, to gain knowledge of the workings of the world, and to limit one's desires.

All the best Diddy1

I can't offer anything with regard to the original post, but can I just add to the discussion about leaving the TV on standby. This is ALWAYS a bad idea. Nothing to do with cost, but simply because a TV on standby presents a much greater fire risk than a TV which is turned off. In an ideal world you should also remove the plug from the socket, but I do know that this is not always practical.

Why don't you switch the tv off when he's watching. Say you want to save electricity. When he objects, tell him that's exactly how you feel when he does it!

Having read all these posts, I am so glad I am divorced. I love and I mean love living the single life. There is so much on offer these days with organisations you can join and widen your circle of friends.
Diddy 1 My heart goes out to you. I was married to a 'control freak' who nearly had me convinced I was mad. My low esteem was on the floor when I met him and was still there after 10years of marriage' Fast forward ten years and joining new groups I have found I really am a nice person and new friends value me for me. One of my biggest surprises was learning the game of Bridge and now play it at a good standard, amazing as for years I was told I was thick. Its never too late to start a new life, its just fear that is stopping you. At 75 do you really want another ten years of misery?

That was a perfect example of 'Tell a child/person often enough that it is thick, or useless, and it will believe you'. No-one is thick or useless, we all have our own differences. Some are better at crafts, art, or gardening for example others are better at maths, history, biology, cricket, etc etc. That is what makes us all unique. We all have something to give, viva la difference!

jenwren sometimes it is impossible to leave, finance, accommodation, disability, children, religion for example. Much as I understand what you are saying. One fit doesn't suit all, but I am very pleased for you. You are one of the lucky few who made the break from a controlling OH.

Hello lovely Grans out there, I appreciate your comments good and bad, lots of suggestions, thank you.
I must explain about the stupid TV episode, it seems as thought I told this as the main issue, but it was the last straw only. The TV, as I said, I look at my English programmes streamed on my computer, nothing to do with the TV thank goodness, SIR sits every night from 6 pm until 10:30 pm controlling the remote, when he has finished watching he hands over the remote and says " now you can watch what you want", so very kind I think, we always turn the TV off and on on the wall switch, nothing is on stand by. The point I was making was he has to have control of everything, I have maybe fraised it as bullying but it should have been CONTROL. I am a happy go lucky, outward going person, hate conflicts, so I dont usually react, not until I need to. DH can never finalise an argument/ discussion, he just says he cant talk anymore, and thats the end of it, until next day when he begins again. Many of you said he misses work, well he is 68 and works as a carer, after he finished his work with telephones, he is not bored, frustrated, but is not happy. I asked him the other day if he is not well, unhappy, but got no reply, I suspect it may be early signs of dementia, or a depression, but he would never go to get help, too proud. If I might just say he has nothing at all to do with his only Daughter, and his Brother and Sister have stopped having any contact with him, so he must feel lonely, but there is of course some reason behind all this, who knows.I am not perfect at all, and no you havent heard his side of all this, so it is difficult for anyone to understand, if never having lived with a control freak. He has always been "in control" but with age it has become worse, as someone said, I will have to keep adjusting, but I want my twilight days to be better than they are at present. By the way the child in me thinks I will turn the blessed TV off when he is asleep "watching" it!! End of subject.Thank you all very much, your opinions have helped, I will try to be ascertive, first time in my life!

Are you happy with him Diddy ? if not then leave the miserable old s*d . Why women put up with this nonsense is beyond me . Lay your cards on the table and tell him straight that he either stops treating you like a child or he can spend his twilight years on his own. You don`t have to keep adjusting , he does .