Living with someone who is depressed

SEasider Can you not go out for breakfast with just your son and leave hubby to his bed if not too much trouble for your boy,your hubby may feel better once the new medication starts to work I feel so sorry that you have been let down after looking forward to going out.

seaside I wish you Many Happy Returns and that your day and your circumstances improve. I know when I was suffering with depression it was very hard on my husband but I stuck with the medication and the counselling sessions and I did improve with time and now I know my triggers and how to deal with them so Black Dog only comes to stay for a few days at a time. My very best wishes for you.

It's very hard living with someone who suffers from depression seasider, don't feel guilty about taking some time for yourself. Encourage him with meds and group therapy but there is no quick fix sadly. Are you in contact with other partners who have the same problem ? Sometimes other people have coping strategies which may help.
Take care

It is very difficult. I suffer with depression (not as badly ad your DP it seems). I sometimes feel sorry for my DH when I struggle to motivate myself. He has had cancer and is very upbeat and motivated. I have had no physical illness but some days find it hard to do anything at all. I try not to give in to it but it's not easy. I hope you manage to do something nice for your birthday today.

It is tough I know, both because my OH has had such problems, and in the last 3 years so too have I - so I can see it from both sides.

I think it is important that you take on board the fact that someone with a true depressive illness (as opposed to just feeling down) cannot motivate himself. It is like being switched of at the main, and the bits of brain that normally motivate a person to action are dead.

So, please do not take this personally - it will make him feel worse if he thinks he has hurt your feelings. I know how hard it is to live with someone with these problems - the only way forward is to enjoy the good bits.

Congratulations on your milestone birthday!

off

Thank you everybody. When he finally surfaced he was quite upbeat and we have had a lovely afternoon out with family. It's just so wearing sometimes always trying to encourage and support someone even though I do understand he can't just "snap.out of it". His mother and two of his sisters have very negative personalities plus one of his sons so I wonder if depression can be hereditary? My mum was very positive despite having a very hard life and I am generally a cup half full person .

A hard or easy life, rich or poor, depression strikes .

seasider, firstly very happy birthday, pleased you were able to enjoy your day once the morning depression had lifted a bit. annie is right, depression can strike anyone. In my professional life I spent a lot of time with people experiencing depression and know how it can put feet into treacle and the struggle to get them out. I also know how wearing it is to live with someone with depression. It's not easy that's for sure. I can totally understand that sometimes it feels, well, maybe both overwhelming and relentless but also simply not fair, especially on a day you were looking forward to. I hope your husband is receiving an up to date approach to this horrid condition, you are doing so well to keep positive the majority of the time. Please do as luckygirl advises and enjoy the moments you can. Also, it's worth thinking what there is in your life that can give you joy, it's important to share laughter somewhere. Good wishes to you all.

Happy 60 th birthday seasider!

Seasider, does your partner have an interest in gardening? It may seem just to tiring but if one starts it can help

Seasider first of all Happy Birthday. My late DH had depression for many years so I know how hard it is to live with some-one who cannot do things because the "black dog" gets in the way. My DH at times could not leave the house, I would carry on with my life as best I could, not always easy. One thing he did love was gardening so that helped, medication never seemed to work (he was too impatient, wanted immediate results) but CBT helped.

DH was never a "morning" person, I was often in our local Supermarket at 7.30. I tried to plan any outings for later in the day.

Unfortunately you can't expect anything with someone with depression. I know from my own experience that people thinking that you should 'just do something' that they think simple or straightforward just feels like pressure as does the solutions that so many people feel they have.
All that people need is for you to be there and to sometimes give a bit of extra care. It is unfortunately a selfish condition as many mental health issues are but that is not intentional.
As others have said, go with your son and just tell your husband that he can join you if he is up to it (although it will be too late now).

It is very hard to live with someone with depression.

As well as the appropriate medication, try getting your OH to take plenty of exercise every day, especially walking in the open air in natural surroundings (if you live in a town this could be in parks and gardens) like countryside or along the coast.

Also, watch a funny film or TV series every day. Getting people to laugh is therapeutic.

While depression is often worst in the morning when cortisol and stress levels are highest, it is important not to remain inactive in bed. Getting up and getting going is by far the best approach.

It might seem a little odd but doing a physical job like Hooovering the house, ironing or cutting the grass is often helpful too.

Routines and rituals can be useful in preventing the sufferer from falling into a helpless and toxic inactivity even if they are only domestic and trivial actions.

Cooking is definitely a positive and satisfying activity which acn lift sufferers from a focus on themselves and their problems.

I know these work as they helped me when I had mild depression and high anxiety and they keep me on an even keel now I am much better. I know they cannot help those with serious depression but they might throw a bone to the 'black dog' to which many are prone.

I live with someone who has depression, me.

I get on my own nerves and resent the promises I make myself and the way I waste time and don't get around to doing stuff.........

It is such a crimer of the joy of life.

You could have changed that breakfast into brunch and gone later sometimes it is just a matter of timing............

Happy Birthday

radiclan That is a good point. Mornings are often worst.

Joining a family meal eaten out can seem exhausting when suffering depression, more so in the morning , that awful black cloud which can descend on waking is torture

I don't accept you can't do anything, although it is very difficult. I know someone who had a 12-week course of cognitive behaviour therapy online. He is now much better and more in control of his depression which I gather is unlikely to be 'cured' anytime soon.

Happy 60th seasider! Your OH is very lucky to have you by his side! Loads of love to youXxxx

I have this problem with my grandaughter, she is 16 and has mental health issues, panic attacks,anxiety attacks and lack of confidence. She has had quite a few days off school because she can't face it. She is 16 and the next few weeks is taking her mock GCSEs again took the first lot in January. Don't think this is helping what with having enrichment after school, and studying as well it's ridiculous
This morning she was more settled and has gone off ok hope she gets through the day.
I really understand how you feel seasider it can be very draining.

Happy * 60th * Birthday Seasider XXXX

There may be a physical or chemical reason for depression - and other illnesses

This often includes lack of Omega-3, Vitamin D, Vitamin B12 and exercise

I would like to suggest a course of action that you can take together with your partner - in the kitchen and outside in the open air

Omega-3
Eat an average of 2 grams of Omega-3 every day. For the first 3 months this can be up to 5 grams a day. Omega-3 comes from oily fish like salmon or mackerel, chia and flax seeds and a little from walnuts.

3 times a week I take 2 pieces of fresh salmon from the supermarket and squeeze a little lemon juice on top, plus a little salt and pepper. I microwave these for 1 minute for each piece. You will be amazed how soft and "buttery" this tastes, with broccoli, tomatoes and beetroot.

You could take a natural fish oil supplement. Try and avoid the tiny amounts from supplements made in a chemical factory, as you may need to take 20 capsules to total 2 grams and it is not as effective as natural fish oil. You have to read the label and calculate how much omega-3 you are taking. Go to a health food store and ask their advice about "natural fish oil" and how to take 2 grams a day. I like the "SanOmega" natural fish oil from Amazon

Here are some articles that may be of interest:
draxe.com/omega-3-foods/
www.greenvits.eu/blogs/news/88500611-what-to-do-about-depression
www.expertomega3.com/omega-3-studies
www.fatsoflife.com/

Vitamin D
There are many studies that show how depression is associated with low vitamin D. More importantly, there are studies that show how boosting vitamin D helps to treat depression.

You could ask you doctor to test your vitamin D and advise or prescribe supplements, or you could go to your local health food store and buy high strength vitamin D supplements.

Between October and March in the UK we cannot get ANY vitamin D from the sun, so we have to get it from food or supplements. Search online for "foods highest in vitamin D", but remember that milk in the UK is NOT fortified.

The European Food Safety Agency says that any adult can take 100 micrograms (4,000 IU) of vitamin D3 each day without advice from a doctor. Vitamin D lasts in your body for 30 days, so you could take a large amount once a week. Ask your doctor for capsules with 500 micrograms (20,000 IU) to take 1 a week as an equivalent to about 70 micrograms (3,000IU) a day. You can adjust the adjust the number you take - for example you could buy capsules of 5,000IU and take 4 a week. Ask your doctor about a "loading dose" to start things off.

There is a "Call-To-Action" from some eminent scientists that say vitamin D blood level is more important than how much you take. Download this document and show it to your doctor.

Learn more here:
www.vitamindwiki.com/Depression
vitaminduk.com/2015/01/24/depressed-and-sad/
grassrootshealth.net/
www.grassrootshealth.net/media/download/scientists_call_to_daction_020113.pdf
www.vitamindcouncil.org/healthconditions
articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2015/01/22/depression-causes.aspx

Vitamin B12
Increasing vitamin B12 can help overcome depression. This can come from foods like liver, sardines, tuna and cheese, or you can take a supplement.

Liver is a great source of Vitamin B12 and many other health-giving nutrients. As long as you are not vegetarians, try grilling a small piece of liver. I like it soft and rare, so I squeeze lemon on top with a little salt and pepper and grill it for 1 minute each side - delicious. Try this once a week ?

Learn more here:
draxe.com/top-10-vitamin-b12-foods/
articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2003/12/17/vitamin-b12-depression.aspx

Exercise
There is no doubt that modest exercise can help depression. That does not mean that you have to go to the gym. Lead your partner by the hand and take them for a brisk walk for 30-60 minutes and you will both come back refreshed

So here are some simple changes to diet and lifestyle that can make a tremendous difference to you and your partner

Let us all know what works for you
.

Most interesting RogerG, I had blood tests results last week and among other problems I am very low in D and B12, I put feeling weary and weepy down to events happening , perhaps I was so wrong , thank you

BRredhead No one is saying that there aren't therapies that work but people don't offer cures for cancer in the way that so many do for depression, an illness that apparently everyone is an expert in.
People say 'you should exercise' as an accusation as if it is a cure all. It can make the problem worse. People with depression who are in a relationship are not looking for them to cure them. Read some of Alistair Campbell's articles about this.