" You don't love your grandchild enough!"

Vampirequeen / Riverwalk I think you are both over reacting too. What the OP was saying was that the argument became heated and that it escalated into harsh words being exchanged. Hopefully the son didn't really mean what he said, although he was obviously taken aback when his request was declined. Maybe understandably. He hasn't said the GPs can never see the child again - that would me more akin to "emotional blackmail".

BlueBelle my thoughts exactly.

Now of course you'll be pilloried for expressing your opinion by those who think it an imposition to be asked.

It's difficult Day6 and an unfortunate reaction from your son.
Not all of us enjoy child care or want to repeat our parenting experience. I think one day a week is not unreasonable, you need to make it clear that any further child care will be considered on an individual basis. It would be a shame to miss out on this family time.

Personally I don't think that asking for one day a week is unreasonable - as long as it stays at one day a week and they don't decide later to make extra demands on you. If you don't want to, don't feel guilty about saying no. It is your prerogative. We have done two days a week almost from day one and have enjoyed every minute - it hasn't stopped us doing any of the things we wanted to do, but everyone's priorities and lifestyles are different.

I looked after our first GD 5 days a week until she was 3 when I had to admit it was getting to be hard work so I dropped to 2 days and she went to nursery for 3. My DiL is on maternity leave now with second baby. My husband has recently retired and I have told her that I wont be available for childcare for this one so she is going to nursery full time. My DiL accepted this and said I had already done more than enough so we are all still friends! Of course we will still help out in school holidays and emergencies as we still want to play sometimes! I did feel as if I was letting them down but felt a weight was lifted once I had had the conversation and everyone was ok about it.

Day6 no need to feel guilty, the childcare of our DGC is not down to us.We wouldn't look after a DGC all day as a regular committment, it's too long.
We now and then do a morning or an afternoon when asked ( although nursery has now kicked in on a regular basis) and an odd babysit, but nothing more.
There are Grandparents who love doing this, and Grandparents who don't.All of them love their DGC.

I am sorry but grandparents who do not want to look after grandchildren are very low down in my opinion. Wanting to enjoy yourself all the time is a tad selfish. It is a privilege to look after your grandchildren and will pay off as you will bond with them.

I'm not convinced that parents are doing us a favour by asking us to look after the children as a regular commitment. They're doing it because it makes it possible for them to continue to work. If grandparents weren't able, or didn't want to look after grandchildren, the childcare costs would clearly rise and grandparents are doing the parents a favour by providing free childcare, in my opinion.

Of course it's a privilege to have grandchildren. That doesn't mean to say that there has to be a regular commitment to their care.

Why is wanting to enjoy yourself as you get older, selfish? Many of us have worked full time, raised children, been carers and had little time for ourselves. If not now, when? It doesn't mean that we love our families any less, but that we realise our limitations.

I think that offering on an ad hoc basis is much more realistic for many, than making a commitment that engenders resentment in the longer term.

An honour??? Per-leeze! No, cheap labour. The OPs son can afford nursery fees, and if DIL must return to work they must bite the bullet and fork out for nursery care.It will also be much better for the child/baby as it will develop its social skills and thus prepare them for school. Being run after by Nanny and Grandad will not.
I look after my 8 year old on occasional days, when we do 'stuff' which we both enjoy,but DD wouldn't dream of imposing him on me on a regular basis. And ... she always comes to pick him up bearing a bottle of wine 'for later!' A smidgeon of gratitude goes a long way.
And asNfkdumpling what's going to happen when 1 becomes 2 or even 3 ?

It is all part of the snowflake generation who expect life to be given to them on a plate and then roll out the emotional blackmail when others fail to reach the levels of personal attention they think they deserve.

If he tries it again, burst into tears and start doing the 'after all I have done for you to treat your mother like this' routine. Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

Having them for a day each week does develop close relationships which I'm enjoying now with the older ones but I admit it can be quite boring with little ones - unless they sleep for part of it! It has also hampered my own activities from time to time but fortunately there is flexibility when needed. And yes I find it very tiring especially as I'm just getting back on my feet and can't get down on the floor to play like I used to. The DG love coming of course - but it's grandad they want rather than me though I come in handy for when cuddles, items for school, stitching uniforms etc are needed You know how you feel Day6 and it might not be the same as some of GNers. You must do what makes you feel comfortable

I think the OP's son was hoping their baby would be spending time with his GPs and not strangers in a nursery. I know I was happier leaving my DD with grandparents rather than putting her in a nursery and the bond between them was so close that on occasions it made me jealous. They heard her first word, they helped her to take her first steps, etc all whilst I was teaching someone else's children, but going back to work enabled us to buy our first home.

Day 6. You just say very sorry but No. You mustn't feel guilty. Looking after a tiny baby for the whole day is very hard work not to mention the responsibility!. My 2 DG went to Nursery from around 6 months old and I would say that they benefited from it. It costs the earth but now aged 7 and 5 they are the most outgoing, bright, confident and happy children. The years roll on very quickly and I think you deserve to enjoy your retirement in the way you planned for it. ✈️⛴?️?why not!.

I would have been really upset if our DS and DDiL hadn't asked us to childmind for them!
DDiL returns to work full time in 7 weeks, and we will be looking after DGS three days per week from 7-30 until 5-30.
We've always had him with us for at least one day a week from newborn, and are now doing two days and three days on alternate weeks to get him and us accustomed to the long days.
DGS will be at nursery/creche for the other two days each week, which will give us time for ourselves.
The best and most important thing in our lives is our family, it will be a pleasure to spend so much time with DGS, and I can't understand why more people don't feel this way.
Each to their own though!

Hmm. You say: So is OH. His son and he...

So am I right in thinking that you're a stepmother? If you are, I'm just wondering if this might be a bit of fear on your OH's son's part that you might not have 'taken' to the GS in tha same way that a blood relation would?

Of course, I know absolutely nothing at all about your personal circumstances and could be way off beam but it was just a thought.

A bit harsh beammeupscottie not everyone enjoys child care. We don't all feel the same way about children and I think its best to be honest about this.

Interesting discussion. It seems to be divided between those who think Day6 is ok to say no, and those who think she is being selfish.
My reaction is that there do seem to be a lot of new parents who expect the grandparents to do childcare.
I never had help from my mother, except for occasional visits. I lived 200 miles away from her, not just round the corner, but where I had moved to get a job . And my daughter moved 200 miles away from our home, same reason, and I see my grandchildren only a couple of times a year.
This doesn't mean I haven't dropped everything to get there in an emergency. But my daughter has a childminder, and a network of friends on her doorstep.

My mother looked after my DD a lot when she was younger as I had to work very long hours when he father became violent after she was born and the relationship died. When I had my son, she looked after him for about 10 months but but kept letting me down. I stopped working to be a stay at home Mum because I could not get reliable help. How glad I am. My DD always found it confusing as to who was really in charge, my DM felt she had the final say over everything and would undermine me at any cost. When I had the third child, I stayed at home for the most part.
Now I have DGC and I started looking after my DGS once a week which has become twice a week and he goes to a childminder 2 days a week. This arrangement was what his parents wanted and to be honest, it suited to me. I think it's lovely to spend time with my DGS but I certainly don't want to give up all my free time especially as I still have my third child at home needing support. My DS and DIL understand that completely.
I think you have to do what is right for you otherwise you are likely to become resentful and that is no good for any of the parties.

Your son has a right to ask but not to expect. You have a right to say yes or to refuse, depending on your plans and your preferences. I look after my grandchildren one day a week, that is my choice and a pleasure. But I have always been very clear that I will not increase that because I have a life outside of grandchildren. I have friends who do 5 days a week ...again their choice, and up to them. And friends who do no babysitting atall ...their choice!
I would say to your son that you are concerned as to why he equates childcare with how much you love your grandchild ...because in your eyes there is no connection at all, and you love the little one very much ...its just that weekly childcare is not for you!! The point is, its him who has taken that line and he needs to take responsibility for it.

To me it's not about how much you care or how many hours a week. It's the practicality. Whether other DC will resent that they don't get help, the health of the GPs, now and in the future, the pressure of the commitment, whether or not the hours are likely to increase (which they probably will), and how many years is this care going to have to continue. What happens when the DGC starts school - assuming he's still an only child - will they be expected to take/collect? This could be ongoing until he reaches 13.

We're there for emergencies and treats. For instance in June DGS (a lively three year old who doesn't sleep) and DGdog will be staying for two weeks plus while DiL has an operation in London. We could only cope with this if we knew we'd have a nice long break afterwards!

I don`t think one day out of seven to look after your GC is asking too much , and there are two of you to do it . It is such a privilege to be trusted to look after this new little family member and surely you can do all the things you want to do on the other six days . Your son is just quite shocked and hurt by your reaction but will get over it . I don`t expect he will ask again !

Did your son ask you if you would give up your retirement to babysit before he and his wife decided to have a child ? if the answer is no then you are not under any obligation. His child youe retirement .

Isn't retirement to do with leaving your job or giving up work? Just that.

I'm surprised that some people see it as a time to be concerned primarily with their own interests and a time to care only about themselves, regardless of others.

Lillie just because the poster does not want to help with child care doesn't mean she is selfish and uncaring. You are not aware of other factors in her life and how she may help others in a different way.

I do not particularly like looking after small children as it can be tedious (books before people is an unfortunate characteristic I have) but I do have a strong sense of familial duty. One or two days a week doesn't rob you of too much retirement pleasure and allows you to have a relationship with the child, which is priceless. I believe.