" You don't love your grandchild enough!"

Like Scottie, he probably thought it was a privilege for you to be asked and that he was giving you a great and wonderful gift of one day a week with his baby. That's why he was so upset when you said no thanks! Like my mother in law being devastated when we didn't want the family christening gown. Not quite the same I know but it was the refusal of something that she treasured and thought we should be equally enthusiastic about and she was so offended!
One day a week doesn't sound much but 11 hours of non-stop child care? That sounds a whole lot more!

Vampire queen - you hit the nail on the head. What starts of with "helping out" can very easily become much more. I found this out when I was asked to look after new born. I had him 2-3 days per week plus overnights from the offer of an occasional day (I was working full time!). Now I am on school runs and pickups ups, admittedly it suits me at the moment but there are lots of school holidays to cover too. It gets very tiring believe me. What happens when baby number 2 or 3 comes along......."well you didn't mind with number one"..... Of course we dealt love our grandchildren unconditionally but we are all getting older and our adult children do not seem to recognise this. Start as you mean to go on is a good maxim here or you just might hear the words "well, that's what you are here for" before long!

I can identify with all points of view but am glad I wasn't asked. Both my DDs stayed at home with their children when they were babies. One started her own nursery and the other worked from home. Neither earned much but wanted to be with their own children.
I found caring for toddlers boring and tedious but put in enough hours and often stayed weekends or had the little ones for a few days to let the parents enjoy a break.
As fo the GDC of DAY6 it would be better if it was two days in the nursery as somewhere else every few days is not the best routine for babies. They prefer every day the same.

Couldn't you perhaps compromise by offering the day but for a limited time Day6? I don't think you should feel guilty, but perhaps your DS and DIL are worried about putting a baby into childcare and would prefer to do it gradually, so if you were to say you would take him for 1 day for 6 months or a year they might feel better. You could still start pursuing your hobbies and interests and perhaps plan a long holiday for later on. My third GC is just over 2 and I know that my one day a week with him will soon come to an end. I've lots of interests, I lunch and I travel but nothing will replace the fun I've had sitting on the floor building towers, reading books and singing every nursery rhyme I can remember. I'm sure playing chasing in the park is good for me but it's probably just as well I'll be giving up as I soon won't be able to catch him! If you don't enjoy children it's fair enough but your OH's son obviously thought you would be the best carers for him, and that is a compliment you know.

I never found caring for toddlers boring or tedious. It was fascinating watching them progress from babyhood into being able to do puzzles, imaginative play etc. It was lovely to hear the DGC making up stories which they enacted with their Fisher Price people, cars etc.

Perhaps I am just not very mature myself?

However, I don't think you should be effectively blackmailed into looking after a DGC if you feel that you cannot or do not want to but love to see them with their parents.

f77ms One day our of seven doing childcare will be too much for some, not enough for others, a joy for some, purgatory for others. There is nothing wrong with someone NOT wanting to look after their grandchildren and nothing wrong with someone wanting to....we are all different. You see it as a privilege, others might see it as a burden! I love my one day a week with my grandchildren, others do not!! Its not about asking too much, its about asking and accepting the answer ...and not making irrelevant links to loving/not loving the grandchild!

Why do some of you think OP is being blackmailed it doesn't read that way to me at all The son asked nicely was refused nicely but it obviously shocked him and he said what he felt at the time probably a knee jerk reaction of ' well you can't love him as much as I thought you would if you don't want him for even one day a week' OP says they made up and got beyond the row so why are some of you adding things like ' they ll want more' there's nothing at all to suggest that they would want more I can just imagine how I would have felt if my mum and dad had said no to looking after my children when I started out
Sorry got to go my grandsons just arrived and he's 'starving'

Madgran spot on!

I never even thought to ask my parents to look after my children - they were retired after years of work and bringing up all of us.
And yes, they adored all their DGC.

Lots food for thought and thank you all for your replies.

Perhaps I should have added that I have older grandchildren and we haven't looked after them on a regular basis either although we've done lots of babysitting and helped out in emergencies. We have lovely relationships with the children, all warm and loving.

I suppose I must accept that we're all different. I am afraid I don't see a regular babysitting commitment as an ' honour'. I see it as a tie, even though the baby is gorgeous.

I had to bring my children up alone. Their father didn't want to know and we divorced when my four were still at primary school. Two of my children have chronic illnesses and parenting alone was for me fraught with worry. I also worked full time to pay the bills so had to engage a child minder. Life was very hard, with little joy as I also had to look after my frail elderly mother. I met OH when my children had just left school. I'd endured the teenage years, the worries of young adults etc. Childcare problems morphed into young adult ones. Then I became very ill, for a long time with one illness and operation following another. I went back to work when I could, at the age of 59, because money problems necessitated it. Life has been hard, and my OH has been such a blessing.

I really am loathe to give up a whole day, on a regular basis to childcare. Much as I love my dgc, I cannot say I am stimulated by babies, nappies, feeding and small talk. I felt the same way when I was a mother, and it's almost taboo to admit childcare, even with its fun bits, is tedious. I am in a minority probably and I have no wish to offend but it just doesn't rock my boat.

I still have to be a rock for my own children. They've had problems in adulthood, mostly of the broken heart variety. I worry about them still.

I have got to the stage where, selfish or not, I want to live a bit - put my own needs first.

This time in my life has been, well, a long time coming and in many ways I feel I am owed it. My health isn't wonderful but no one would know because I have so many hidden ailments and auto immune conditions. I like having g free time and I like being spontaneous. OH feels the same way. We both feel this is our time and relish having fewer responsibilities after us both retiring after 40+ years of work.

I am sure some will say we are selfish but very few of our generation expected grandparents to shoulder the task of full time care for our children.

I know for many young parents childcare costs are prohibitive and I expect we'd feel duty bound to help out if this were the case, but it's not.

We live about 28 miles way from son, so to get there in the mornings would take about 50 mins, in rush hour traffic. I cannot pretend a day that started like that in order to feed, change, soothe, talk with a baby, feed, change,sooth, clean up after, talk with a baby.....you get the picture.. until at least 6pm would bring me joy. It doesn't reflect in the child at all. He is adorable.

We really don't want the commitment, much as we love our newest grandchild and his parents.

The air is still quite frosty. I invited them over for dinner this weekend, as a sort of olive branch, but they declined.

Day6 don't feel bad. I have done more than my share of babysitting for all of my six GC and they really are my favourite people. But I really don't like looking after babies, they are really hard work, so I understand the feeling of not wanting to take on a five month old, even one day a week. Any travel plans you make would have to be around babysitting.

My dilemma now is my youngest GC has started school, so I feel like I am at the end of an era as I have helped out with all of my GC at different times. I am still very happy to babysit, I just feel now I have done the bulk of it. Twice this week DD2 has asked me to babysit other people's children. She was meeting her DH's cousin for lunch earlier in the week and could I look after DH's cousin's two and three year ago old for a few hours. ? Then today, I had offered to do some washing for her as her washing machine has broken down. DD then asked could I look after her friend's eight and four year old, while they go to a food and wine festival. ? Her two were going to their other GP's house but DG5 wanted to stay at home and play with DD's friend's children. I said No both times!

Give them an inch and they will take a mile!

Look after someone else's children? What a minefield that could be! No way!

I was wondering if this was because the son/daughter/grandchild are really nothing to do you with you no blood link at all and as your husband doesn't want to have the little one then your allegiance is obviously with him and as you're not a baby/child person it fits in well
I think you ve done the right thing, as a gran without her heart in it and doing it as a chore will not be good for the little one
I hope your husbands son finds some good childcare and you both have a lot of fun in your later years you must always do what your heart tells you and I think that is to be respected but don't malign the young man for making a very reasonable request and don't be surprised if the relationship is never quite the same

Oh dear Day6. What planet is this son on? Does he know your history? Can he not empathise that having borne so much responsibility alone you're really not able to face the commitment? And 28 miles - and you have to go tho theirs? What if the car breaks down, there's an accident on route, one of you is ill, you oversleep, roadworks..... The pressure on you would be huge. Have they asked you because there wasn't a place available for that day at the nursery? And you'd be spending the day at their house? Perhaps if you offered to have the baby just until they can sort out more nursery care - but insist they bring him to you as you can take him out and do stuff more easily from your home - and still have your afternoon naps (after all you are getting on a bit )

Omg, Day6, after all you've been through, who could blame you for wanting your time free today? Imo, you made the right decision. If you had said yes, you probably would have come to resent it.

Is it possible that ds has secretly feared for a while that you won't love his child the way you do your own gc? Could that be what caused his outburst? I know that doesn't make sense because you didn't watch those gc on a regular basis. But jealous feelings are often irrational. Could this be what it's about?

It's too bad they declined your dinner offer. Perhaps it's too hard for them to make that trip with baby? Or maybe ds is still upset even though he made up with you and oh on the surface. Or he could even be embarrassed about what he said. It was a good idea to reach out, I think, but they may need to keep some distance for a while.

I had wondered why the DIL is going back to work when the baby is only five months old, that's the first thing I would have asked. Unless DIL has no maternity leave or prefers to work I don't understand why they think it's up to you and your DH to drive in peak hour traffic to their house.

I have a couple of times for SIL's cousin NfkDumpling. I dread being asked, but have felt sorry for her when she has had to work away and DD couldn't help her out. I don't mind as much when it's work but no, not for their social lives.

Day6 you could be describing me . Four children , two with serious health problems . No support from my X , life was so hard . Saying all that I do 1 day a week childcare on my own which I find physically very hard due to my own health problems . Maybe you have done the right thing in refusing but I imagine the air will remain frosty . If you dislike childcare then perhaps you are not the right person to look after this GC . I do and am very flattered that I am trusted with this new little person , all my children know that I have limitations and I am also strong enough to say no to anything more than one day .

Agree Faye. And if it's for friends children, their rules and priorites may be very different. It'd be so easy to cause upset. Not to mention liability if something went wrong.

That's another point Day6 you'd have to register with their doctor and/or register the baby with yours and carry parental authorities. The nursery will already have all the necessary insurance cover and doctors details etc

Its a matter of personal preference, that's all. I wouldn't want to be tied down to anything for one day a week, every week, any more than my daughter would.

No it's your time now babysitting should be a pleasure not a chore forced upon us.

We all of us need to be clear about our role as grandparents. We are not childminders, emotional blackmail is not acceptable. We love our families all of them and wish to enjoy our time with them, our adored grandchildren are our reward not our burden!

Well done for sticking to your guns, afraid I'm a bit of a soft touch and have built a rod for my own back and and can't now make any arrangements for days away or holidays without checking with family about me having 'time off'!

They probably think you would jump at the chance. However, two young, presumably fit and energetic young people just don't understand how exhausting it can be for an older person, perhaps with health problems, to look after a baby.
And babies become toddlers with all that entails - did you see the picture of the one at the ceremony the other day who did NOTwant to meet the Queen? . Reminded me of DGS!

I enjoyed looking after DGC two or one day a week and they were delivered to the door - but it is hard work and a great responsibility - added to which would be a long journey each end of the day.
Our friends are very fit but I notice how tired they look now they care for two DGC twice a week and retirement is not what they thought it would be.

You have earned your retirement - enjoy it, offer to babysit if they want to go out, but not to childmind. There is a difference. Let your DH explain to his son who should never have said that imo.

Clearly from the responses it's down to opinion but I wouldn't want to do it either. As you age, there are other stresses and strains that take the place of bringing up your young children and I doubt your son is even aware of them. You've done your bit and it's now time to enjoy retirement without restrictions that you don't want. You could perhaps try to explain again but if that doesn't seem possible, I would just leave things be and enjoy life. He will realise as the years go by, that you had your reasons not to do it. You need not feel guilty. (We're good at that!)