Well, now I have a different view, Bluebird. Sorry I misunderstood before. But even if it wasn't friend's fault that you saw the meme, dil probably thinks it was. Or maybe she just realizes that if she doesn't want you to see her page, she needs to block friend, too. It doesn't sound as if dil is a person who gives much thought to her own part in what happens.
And it doesn't sound to me as if gs would be "hurt" if you don't come to his birthday celebration. Not the way he acts when he sees you. Imo, that's just your son wishing things were different than they are.
If your absence would bother gs, he should have thought of that when he was ignoring you, etc. He's old enough to know actions have consequences.
Love the letter Barmy wrote to her gs - and the results! Perhaps the same would work for you? Maybe not, but what have you got to lose?
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family rift and GS's 18th birthday do
(35 Posts)Nearly 2 years ago a friend of mine who was on my DIL's facebook [I'm not, and she is now blocked! she did nothing wrong] showed me the recent pics of my grandsons as it was a rainy afternoon and just something to do. neither son nor DIL send me pics at all so I feel left out. I then saw a post she put up about 'Mother-in-Law'...'Don't tell me how to bring my kids up when I've got one of yours and he isn't a good example of mothering'....or words to that effect. I was taken back.
I have never told her how to do anything but rather had at that point 19 years of her barbed remarks about 'old people', mockery [I feel like the family joke], filthy looks when I have tried to take the children off her hands in the holidays [cinema/day out etc] as I haven't given notice, constant griping at/criticising my son and grandsons [mostly v unreasonably], never visits for 1/2 hour for a cuppa even, obsession with handbags and shoes and beauty treatments, moaning about housework and on and on and on. I've bitten my lip, helped with the decorating/garden, played endlessly with the grandsons, paid for a big family holiday, given them chunks of money for house deposit and also part of an inheritance of mine [think thousands]. She's an unhappy woman [due to her past which I have tried to help her with].
I have never bothered about any of that....I do the same for my other son, until that post and started thinking it over, knowing I've tried so hard to be a good mum, MIL and nanny.
I then got so upset I couldn't go and visit as usual and had a meltdown, couldn't eat/sleep/anxiety/crying/v low mood. I wanted an apology and told my son how I felt. I did not approach her as I hate confrontation and she is so chippy there would be a hell of a row. Son was also angry at her, tried to get her to apologise. She wouldn't, and will not. Now he is saying she says it was just a joke and won't budge on that.
A joke is not a joke if it is at someone's expense in my opinion, nor when the person who is the subject of the 'joke' is devastated, hurt and feels attacked.
So 2 years later it is now grandsons 18th and my son has asked me to go to family meal where DIL and all her family [who are not my kind of people and don't have anything to do with me [long story]] will be. I would be alone and suffer social anxiety badly. I would not be able to eat and it would be a complete ordeal and a nightmare situation.
Can I have some feelings on this and what others would do. Because I am not going....for the sake of my mental health which is fragile [I have Complex PTSD, and have to manage it].
PS. Grandson has in the past ignored me in the street, laughed at me in the street when with friends, refused offers of meals out and here, not thanked me for birthday cash for 3 years, and doesn't visit [I live 10 minutes walk away] so don't think I'll be missed.
But wait... would he complain to his dad/your son? Would he deny what you said? Would your son be mad at you? If you're worried about that, maybe just a "Happy 18th Birthday" card is best.
I don't know about finding out gs' email address. If your relationship isn't good, he may just be annoyed. A card is better, imo.
I would say don't even bother, but I know you're concerned about your son's reaction.
I think you should give him a card and money present for his 18 th and model good behaviour yourself. Maybe accept the invite for the meal and if on the day you really can't face it phone and say you are feeling unwell ( probably true in situation!) and will have to pull out and wish them all a lovely time.
I tend to agree with sending a card and some money to say something like you thought he could use it to buy something he really wants. As mumofmadboys says, model good behaviour to him. I also have a feeling it will be protecting your son from comments from DIL about you not caring.
I'd go out and treat yourself if I were you! A bit of pampering perhaps or visit your lovely friend.
Well the birthday meal was yesterday and I kept away as planned but of course I was upset about it. However I had a pleasant day with a friend, the sadness kicked in when I went home and on my own with it all.
I then wrote a card to my grandson, enclosed a cheque and put it into their letterbox late last night - so he would have it on his actual birthday - today. I wanted to make sure he received it so didn't post it, and made sure it wouldn't fall to the floor as the dog could get hold of it and notorious for chewing up post.
Ok it's only 2.15pm but no text from grandson to thank me and he would definitely have got the card early this morning. Now what?
I don't want to prompt him and ask if he got it ok. I think things have been said by his mother and members of her family. I think I have lost him for good.
bluebird I've been thinking about you. I guess you still haven't had an acknowledgement from your grandson.
Yes, it's rude. However, I do think that this is an age when teens are at their worst and most of them eventually 'grow up'. Doesn't make it any easier.
I hope that before too long your gs realises what a wonderful gran he has.
Thanks Coolgran for thinking of me, this is such a difficult time. I still haven't had a thank you for the card and gift or a reply to my text wishing him a good time on his birthday.[Now 7pm].
I am gutted,feel awful. I suppose I will have to accept that things have changed drastically and it is a long waiting game for him to remember how much I cared for him. I fear it will be a long time.
Sending hugs your way, bluebird! Either gs has been influenced by his mum or he's just "being a teen," as Coolgran suggests. Good you didn't go to the party. You would have been uncomfortable and he wouldn't have appreciated it.
Yes, it may be a "long time" before he shows some appreciation again. He probably doesn't show much to his parents either if that's any help. But it will happen, I'm sure.
From now on though, please don't make any extra effort for him. Post your cards like you would for anyone else. Also, I agree with you not to ask him if he got your card/gift. (You'll see, in time, if the check was cashed.) Give him whatever you can give with a glad heart and leave it at that.
I really think that thats just how most teenagers are nowadays ,I wouldn't take it personally at all.My daughter was always close to her dads parents and has kept contact with them all her life( she's 39) my son spent a lot of time with them up until he was 12 then he saw them only when we visited or they came to us.Its not ideal but its just how life is now .My granny lived with us so we saw he rall the time ,we were lucky ,but thats not how most families are ,and I wouldn't blame his mother .....probably his friends have more influence on him than his mother .I think you're taking it all far too personally especially the FB post ,some folk put absolute nonsense on their pages without giving it a second thought.
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