Weddings, birthdays as a stepmother/stepgrand mother

as they say theres nowt as queer as folk ,my best friends dad married over 28 years ago,he'd been a widower for 12 years ,his boys have always refused to refer to his wife as anything other than my dad swife ,the grandchildren have been brought up to call her by her name or introduce her as grandpa's wife.They seem to have had a good happy marriage though the poor woman would have loved the kids to call her granny as she had no grandchildren of her own.Now that dad is getting on and in bad health the boys ...both nearing 60 are adamant she shouldn't inherit dads house as "their mum had worked hard for it" What on earth would you do to sort them out,I tried telling them he's been married to her longer than he was married to their mum and that she also worked to keep the house but theres no reasoning with them.Ironically one of them has recently divorced and remarried...I wonder if he'll by pass HIS new wife in his will in favour of his child ?

Paddyann it is up to your friends dad to make a will leaving it to who he wants to. If he leaves it to his wife and she inherits it is then up to her who she leaves it to.
My father made a will with his partner saying if he died it was to go to her but when they were both dead the house should be sold and divided between all their children. He died and then she sold the house spent most of the money and then changed her will leaving only a small amount to us. We were lucky to get anything.

Peep Don't worry about them prefering her, you are their mother and they will always love you, even if they become fond or her, she will never replace you in their hearts. Not so sure about the loyalty being to the bio children because "they were on the scene first" isn't that a bit like saying you should always favour your first child because they were on the scene first.
Sarahellenwhitney my husband has always made that very clear, right from the start. if I wasn't invited then he wasn't going.

If my husband dies before me I will leave everything divided between all our children in my will. Unless I suppose I have to sell everything to go in a care home.

Peepdon't refuse invitations to weddings, put on your best face get your hair done, buy something nice and prove you are brave and independent. I went to my DS's wedding and saw my ex or the first time in years, he looked dreadfully old and the current squeeze was wearing an outfit that was far too young for her. It made me feel much better. I haven't aged badly and I wore a great outfit, made me feel heaps better!

Been there, done it, read the book, am wearing the tee shirt! Dont worry about it. As long as you and your husband are happy....nothing else matters...it doesn't bother me in the slightest that my husband's children do not include me in most things....it works both ways! My husband fully understands the issues I have had with them and the problems they have caused me in the past. Now we just ignore it, or maybe not even go to events and do our own thing.

Thank you so much for all your interesting responses, which have in their different ways helped me to see the wider picture and worry less about things which I was worrying about when I wrote my original post. I have no-one else in a similar position to help, or talk to honestly about it and you all really have due to your previous experiences !

I am a stepgrandparent as my DIL has 3 children from a previous marriage. I have always treated them the same as all my other grandchilren. The eldest is getting married later in the year and as I live abroad I didn't know whether I would be invited. I had been invited to the weddings of the other two. He messaged asking for my address which I gave. Now I have received the invitation to the evening reception only. I really wish he hadnt bothered because it is as though he knew we wouldnt go to all the expense of flights, car hire etc for just the evening but then could have said "well they were invited" if anyone asked. I have always got on well with him before. Included in the invitation was a link to their honeymoon plans and an invitation to contribute towards the cost.
It's not that they need to keep the costs either. So I just feel a little jaded about it all. Would other GNs feel the same? I certainly dont feel inclined to send money either.

Zorro, glad our comments helped you feel better.

Daisyboots, yes, I think I would feel the same way - at first. But when you think about it, maybe this wasn't based on a decision he made alone. Perhaps it reflects something he and his bride decided together - for example, "only blood gps and their spouses invited to the ceremony plus reception, steps only to the reception." It sounds cold, even as I write it, but if his bride has any steps, it might be based on how she feels, and they may not think it's fair to treat his steps differently.

It's also possible that one of the blood gps has voiced an objection to sgps being at the ceremony, as ridiculous as I think that is. Your sgs and his bride may have been pressured into pleasing that awful gp. Or, sad to say, some foolish person may have objected to steps being present, at all, and this was a compromise.

Also, so often, Iv noticed people plan weddings and guest lists according to what they think is "supposed to" be, instead of how people feel about each other. I don't mean everyone, I know some people who go strictly by what they feel about each prospective guest. But Iv also known some who go by what they think is "correct."

Or it may be as you say. Anyhow, so sorry you've been hurt by this. You don't have to go, of course, and if not, you certainly don't have to send a gift. However, I would err on the side of being generous, give sgs the benefit of the doubt and sens a little something.

So other sets of grandparents are invited to these parties but you and your husband are not? I find that weird.

My extended family has many, many stepparents and stepgrands who are all treated the same as the bio parents/grands in terms of invitations, etc.

It is very hurtful Daisyboots but could you go and combine it to make it into a holiday? I would give a present too. It would keep the peace. All the best.

Actually I am the only grandparent (plus DH) as all his GPs died long ago. The bride is a lovely girl but he is very much in control of the whole thing as he is paying. So I do feel it's a bit of a kick in the the teeth. Still I doubt if we will ever see them again so best to just get on with our lives. Just feeling rather jaded with family in general I think.