How To Heal From Estrangement

Smileless Your post is heartwrenching and heartwarmimng all at the same time. I am not estranged but fear it coming, and I feel such sympathy for everyone in this awful position.

Well spelled out post Smileless. It's such a dismal feeling when you reach the point where you know you can't cling to hope any longer and that you've ended up at a turning point where you literally have to let go of a child you gave everything to. The most selfish act towards a caring parent is to simply ghost them out of their own tribe's life.
I will never understand how an AC can simply end all contact. It's not human behaviour.

But waking up to the reality also sets us free to tune into a different kind of life and there are plenty of us that have made friends and kindred spirits all walking a similar life path. Wounds start to heal, the softness starts returning to our lives, sprinkles of laughter start to break the silence and newfound interests start to shape our daily lives.
Yes there is life after the devastation estrangement causes. Letting go is only the beginning of the chapter, not how the book ends. Life does and will go on for all of us.

I was so glad to find this post. I thought it was only happening to me, or that I was imagining it, or I was going completely mad. The pain is tangible and severe, thank you all for helping me realise that I'm not alone.

Coolnana, take heart. You're definitely not alone. I hope you find this thread supportive and kind. x

Smileless

Nina good post again x

Coolnana Welcome

Madgran As you have warning of a possible 'cut out' and with reading our post having been 'cut out', I hope you can stop it from happening to you, cos when it does happen, it seems it is forever, no parole! x

Thankyou yoga I am just very aware of the potential and tread very very carefully....Im luckier than some who had no clue until it happened! So far my treading carefully seems to be paying off and we are lucky to have plenty of contact. Just always feel that it could turn on a knife edge/whim!

I'm the same way, Madgran. Though I get along fairly well with my dd and sil, that's partly because I have become skilled at biting my tongue. Also, if we do have a disagreement and I feel it escalating, I close my mouth or change the subject and let it go. But still, it's scary because Iv seen what happened to a few of my friends and now I see so many co gps online.

Welcome, Coolgran! And no, you're not alone - there are many gps going through these things today or who feel they're on the verge. Why did you think you were "going crazy?" Does it seem like you've been fully co but you aren't sure? Or do you simply "feel it coming" and thought maybe it was your imagination? Either way, you'll see, you'll get plenty of support here.

Beautiful posts, imo, nina and Smileless! You both brought tears to my eyes. Your eac are each missing out on a relationship with a very loving person. But I guess they don't see that - their loss.

?Madgran, ?Starlady, thinking of you, I used to call it, walking on eggshells. Hopefully for you both you don't become estranged as you are fully of what can happen.Think Nina's summary of estrangement is spot on, how I wish I could have read that years ago. What Smileless said about refusing to take the abuse is exactly what I did. None of it easy, but eventually a new life emerges.

Thanks Stardlady and Luckylegs, Will post more later. Just on my way to work. I love my work, it keeps me strong and because it's my own business, I have no plans to retire.
It's important to find something that you enjoy doing and that keeps you connected to others and stay busy.
The one thing that pulls many CO parents down is the feeling that they're isolated with nothing going on during their day.
Thankfully, there are things going on out there that can help them feel that they're not alone. x

On this thread, link below, on the last page, I've explained how to open your own Facebook friends/support group if you know each other want to connect in a more private way. Another member asked for help so she could start a meet up group.
This kind of proactive friends group really helps to get anyone on their own back into a new start where they can meet other like minds and not think about their family situation so much.

www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1235743-Moving-forward

Oops! Sorry, I meant Coolnana, not Coolgran!

Thanks Luckylegs and you're welcome Nina!

Thank you all for your kind comments. I know that like me, every estranged parent on these threads will be hoping and praying that you manage to keep hold of your relationship Madgran. It can't be easy for you but sounds as if you're doing a great job do far.

Coolnana every time I see a post for the first time from someone living with estrangement it breaks my heart; truly it does. We all know the extent of your pain and anguish, there are no words to describe it.

We are all at different stages in how long our estrangements have been going on and how we're coping but all of us remember and will never forget those first traumatic months.

You spend every waking moment, going back years, going over and over again everything you said or did, looking for something, anything that can explain why you've been cut out. You remember disagreements but even they don't explain their behaviour. You know you were never abusive, you know you did everything that you could to be the best parent you could be; that's why you feel as if your going mad. You, as we have all done, are trying to apply logic to an illogical situation.

Although it never goes away, the pain does ease with time and everyone here will do whatever we can to help and support you.

Starlady very true!

I just want to wish you all a good weekend. I know some people find Sundays a long day so it's important to have a plan or something arranged that we can look forward to.
The lighter evenings are helpful. At least w can all get out and see life going on beyond our four walls.
It's almost bluebell season and near where I live the woodlands are a carpet of blue. I've enjoyed this so many times that this has now gone on my 'looking forward' list. I keep a notebook of all the things to look forward to as the year progresses and keep adding to it. This has been one way of dragging myself into the new life that slowly unfolds once you start seeing the glimmer of light at the end of the dark tunnel of being estranged.
It is there, you can't miss it. It will happen.
Thinking of you all. Hope you all have a nice weekend. xxx

Well done nina1959 for a wonderful thread.

I have avoided visiting on here for a while because I was looking to heal from the estrangement of my daughter and her children and every time I came on, there were threads of stories of hurt and pain going on with other grandparents. It was not helping me to heal and so I have took a break.

I agree that we have to rise from these situations, however hard that may be and learn to live again and I can only thank you because it is hard to do this alone, so it was lovely to read your OP and I gain strength from it.

I have banged my head against a brick wall for nearly three years now, trying to figure it all out but got nowhere. Now I don't want to, as I could never trust my ED again.

My son has just landed tonight for the Easter holidays and has given me my Mother's Day presents. One was a heart with Mum on and the saying "Everything I am, you helped me to be". I cried. It means the world to me that he thinks that I have had such an imput into his life. So I must have done something right, eh?

The thing is that my grandchildren will not know me or of me. My son says he is having no children so where do I end? When I go? No one will remember I have even existed. That is the sad thing. I think of my grandparents with fondness and remember their words of kindness and wouldn't have liked to have been without them.

Is it just a jealousy thing? Keeping their own children to themselves, not wanting anyone else to get close because if it is, then it really is not doing the children any favours at all. It's very wierd but in my case, it has somewhat been got over and I am moving on. I have a lovely new male friend in my life and am finding happiness again regardless of my health or what life has thrown at me up to now. I am lucky, I am loved and I am a survivor. Love to you all. Xxx

Glad you've found the thread Rubylady! I know what you mean. Estrangement grieving is a lot like the emotions we feel during bereavement except no one died, we just got dumped or cut off. Someone threw a massive tantrum and they did the maximum damage they could by making us feel as though we don't exist. It's awful isn't it? And yes, it does feel as if we've no place to go and no one is going to miss us. I know.

These feelings are temporary as long as we are willing to work through them and reach that point where we find a new determination to reach out to life again. It sounds as though that's where you're at now so well done on getting this far.
Online support groups are good upto a point but you are correct, depending on where you're at in the recovery stage, they can drag you back down into a pit of despair again. What's needed is ongoing support that lifts us up instead of rehashing all the why's and wherefore's. As we all know, there are no reasons. It's just what it is. Rude, selfish and an aggressive way to treat a family member.

I did hear a happy ending yesterday. A friend has welcomed her grandchild back into her life after 12 years of no contact. The DIL had cut her side of the family off. The reunion was joyful and the grandchild has now moved in with the grandparents and isn't speaking to the DIL so what goes around comes around.
It was said that it was never the DIL's right to make this decision for the grandchild so she's going to have a long time to think about it all now.
A good outcome though so hope is never lost as far as the grandchildren are concerned. As for the AC? Well, I don't have an answer. We still love them but would we ever trust them again? Probably not.
So don't grieve over what's gone. Just keep reaching towards a new start and keep looking forwards. N xxx

Yogagirl, thankyou! Missed your post. x

Rubylady, meant to add - yes, I'm sure jealousy is part of the issue. My daughter told me that I'd been a really good mum but she wanted her child all to herself and this I believe is the reason for the complete cut off.
She's only thinking of herself and it is a selfish way to act but I've had to learn to just let her go and keep the flame of hope alive for the grandchild. That's all I can do. Meanwhile life has to go on and I am living my life. x

Well done nina, only just seen. This thread,

Emma54 sadly you are not right, in my case anyway my daughter wrote list forms and against which my husband read, and main reason against was the moneymwe gave them!

Looking back I realsie I was rather stupid if my ed pleased poverty or hardship I was there, her husband was never going to work very hard, indeed he onlynworks part time now,

I just wanted her to be happy and didn't like to think of her worrying,
I al also totally certain she would never have cut us off while at uni, or when we were paying house deposit for her,

I accept there may be some cases that are not financial

Huh? How did they hold the money you people gave them against you? In what way? Did they ever turn it down (I bet not)? How weird!

And how ungrateful!

Yep starlady ungrateful is polite word When we wasked for some of herndads pension fund back if they wanted nothing more to do with us we were told no it was a gift our money was ok but not us?Never mind karma does strike but not want I wish just try let it go bitterness doesn't help anyone,

No myndaightermhadnway of making me feel obliged to keep giving Rather stupid that it sôunds now her dad was t so keen I can See why now, but you never dream your much loved daughter is using you ?!

I know, it's sad isn't it, in a way that they think that money is more important than having their own mother in their life. They say it skips a generation and my mother is obsessed with money, so maybe my ED is taking after her. The karma will be that my grandchildren will take after me!

Can't get over this! Why would someone want money from people they don't want to be around? "Gift" or not? Such hypocrisy!

But ruby, you suggest it "skips a generation." So it does run in families? Is it genetic then, do you think? NOT trying to excuse the behavior, just to maybe find an explanation for it.