I thought I'd start this new thread because unfortunately, estrangement is now such a huge part of family life today. I've written articles, I've run groups for bereft parents and I've researched the topic for 5 years.
What I found was that none of us are immune. It can happen to any family and if anyone thought it only happens in families where there has been a history of divorce or abuse, in which case, cutting contact may well be justified, my findings were that estrangement was and is occurring in the most stable nuclear families too.
What's causing it?
There are various reasons but one common thread appears to be that there is usually a third party trying to control the relationship. Money and the unreal expectations on parents today to keep giving were also a common reason.
If you speak to teachers, many will say that today's generation of 30 somethings, had a high level of entitlement along with high level of expectation.
Consequently when reality fails to measure up, they either get very angry or very frustrated and these feelings are often unleashed on the parents with the removal of grandchildren and total cut off.
There are other reasons too but with the exception of a history of abuse, I could find no reason that warranted the total cutting off of a loving parent.
The suffering, pain, loneliness and bereftness inflicted upon these parents has led some of them to be suicidal. I do a voluntary role where I'm in touch with some of them to keep them from harming themselves at times such as Christmas and birthdays.
Read any forum where an AC has posted looking for advice and the popular reply is 'cut them off'! You don't need that c**p in your life'.
How do complete strangers advise another person to end their relationship with their parents?
In this sense, social media is playing it's part in the destruction of family relationships and persecution of the parents.
When we've done all we can to make amends, how do we recover? It's very hard and the challenge is not to become bitter or depressed.
I know these are the main symptoms but it's these we have to overcome.
I believe the parents are mostly not to blame. Estrangement is a current trend born out of a hidden societal sickness today. If we look at the main influences, we can see there's not a lot of caring or giving being shared around. Even the media would rather glorify celebrity lives than post real stories about real and more serious news items.
When I first began researching there was nothing out there online apart from a brick wall of silence and shame. I started my group and a deluge of parents poured out their stories. It grew and kept on growing and now there are many groups and forums all with parents reporting the same issue of being cut off.
With some stories, it was clear that nothing could fix the rift. Begging, pleading, apologising all fell on deaf ears and so parents were enduring years of being snubbed, ignored, left out and treated as though they didn't exist. It was bad enough for two parents but for those parents living on their own, their daily lives were a living nightmare of endless grief.
And so I wrote articles pointing out this evil spreading through our families like a wildfire. Even psychologists now agree there is a problem. This makes a welcome change from blaming the parents. We can't all be that bad that we can all be this wrong. Something else is happening.
And so the main advice was that this trend is going to take a generation to fix, if indeed it can be fixed and that all we can do is to start nurturing and taking care of each other.
And so that's what we did. Myself and others formed a small group and we supported each other through our bleakest of days.
This was the start of picking up the threads of our lives and rebuilding a new start for us.
It was hard at first but with each others support, we all began to move slowly forwards together.
And so I am here to tell you now that there is life after estrangement and that there is light, laughter and grace too.
I'll stop this post here for now because I've got a cup of tea waiting but I hope we can start a thread based on helping each other start moving forwards.
Thankyou Luckylegs and Yogagirl. You're right...I've just to hang in there , even though the thread is so flimsy. I don't sleep well at the best of times and these days it's even worse. Fortunately, I'm 73 years old now and I won't have to endure this pain for much longer .
Our Ed cut us off 5 years ago, no explanation,no fight, no words and still to this day our family and her brother don't understand why. It was the ambiguity,the rejection and absolute grief that consumed me at first and made me very ill. I joined a support group,started a happy/health journal, saw a grief counselor and started exercising. I am of course still sad, as with any loss in life, but my main focus has been to nurture and cherish those in my life that do care and live life to the fullest. On the days I get triggered or hurt I accept it as being a bit of a wobbly and look after myself.
Pearl & crazy 
for tonight 
Oh, CrazyH, I feel for you! Hard enough to have this happen with one ds (dear son) and dil! Sadder when it's two! It sounds as if your dils may have been influenced by your ex-h and his new wife. So sorry!
Sorry, too, that your older ds won't get involved. But it must be hard for him since he's not there a lot. If he were, he could arrange some visits, himself, with just you, him and the gc if dil wasn't interested. As it is, when he is home, he probably just wants time with his family to himself. He could lean on dil to do more, but he might not want to start an argument with her, again, since he's away so much. I get that you're disappointed, but it's probably more about the logistics with him than anything else.
Glad you get to see your gd as much as you do! Once a week is quite a bit, so not such a "thin thread" there, imo. Glad you've decided to "hang in there" and just enjoy what you've got. Please be careful not to push for more.
"Fortunately, I'm 73 years old now and I won't have to endure this pain for much longer ."
But I hope you have a long life filled with many happy visits with gd - and maybe your other gc reaching out to you more as they get older and can do so on their own. I also hope you only make comments like this to us and not your dss and dils. We understand you're just expressing your pain. But for them, any hints at your eventual demise might be a turn off and push them further away.
Pearl, imo, you're very impressive. My heart goes out to you, but it sounds as if you figured things out for yourself in the best possible way. xx
Pearlj Have you tried recently dropping your DD a note saying you wondered how she is, you love and miss her and that she will always be more than welcome.
I don't think you are ever the same after estrangement from your child, adult or not. Part of you is missing. I think the longer it goes on the harder it is. People do reconnect after a long time though, perhaps if it happens you will never know why. They hold all the cards.
People do make a good life without their child, but scratch the surface it will still be raw. That is why you almost need to talk to people who have had this blow and help each other along. No one knows how bad it is until it happens to them. Like being widowed. There is life after estrangement, but a different one.
If I had my time back before the cutting off, I should have been happy with the one or two short times we had together a year, even a few hours because at least there would have been done sort of contract.
Was that the problem then, Luckylegs, wanting more time with her?
Is that often the problem, ladies? Gps wanting more time with their ac and gc than they're getting? I know that's what started the issues for one of my egp friends.
Not for us Starlady. We just wanted to spend some time with our GS, and not just him but our son and d.i.l. too.
Feeling that you're not spending enough time with your GC and saying so, isn't a reason IMO to cut parents and GP's out so they are never seen nor heard of again; just an excuse.
Starlady, no it wasn't the problem. I just couldn't cope with how I was treated, which I don't go into in detail anymore, but I felt I had no alternative, there was no communication, I was made to feel worthless . In hindsight, I know why I couldn't go on, an alternative would have been, absent myself at the first sign of bullying and kept my distance for a few months, then pretend nothing was wrong, we could have gone on for a long time like that and I would have seen my grandchild. What sort of life is that walking on egg shells, when you are not told what is wrong and are treated without love or respect,merlot as if you are just a nuisance.. It's like living with a cheating husband and deciding not to mention it, it's not really do able if you have any feelings.
Starlady I am not being rude or unkind to you, and you do say some supportive & kind things, but you show clearly on this and other threads that you have no understanding of estrangement. Your estranged 'friends' are from another forum, so my question to you is; why are you on here gathering information, asking so many questions of us estranged grandmothers? What is all the gathered information for?
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