Best friend's widower's new partner

Are you sure you're not just a little bit jealous and worried that this new lady might upset the friendly relationship you have with the widower?

Gosh VIOLETTE what a saga! I also married a widower of 6 years after a 'whirlwind' romance as I was visiting from the US and literally bumped into him here.

Morghew70 The friends and family were worried at our haste, but 25 years later (this year!!) we just keep on keeping on. But every one was very polite and welcoming in the beginning for HIS sake since they did not know me which was fair enough. Friendships are grown, not installed, so don't feel you have to rush accepting her as you do your widower friend. Just let things take their course and be welcoming for his sake.

Please extend a hand of friendship and let them stay. When my husband died years ago I lost, who I thought was, a good friend when I met someone else. She made it clear that she disapproved as she and her husband were friends with us both and would not meet my new partner. It is so sad as I really valued her thoughts previously. Give her a chance and welcome them both to stay, you have nothing to lose.

Be magnanimous and open minded and welcome her. She will be feeling far more nervous that you are. Your late friend's jealousy was her problem, not yours. Go and enjoy the festival and assume you will have a lovely time and enjoy her company. If he is such a long standing friend you must surely trust his judgement not to turn up with some harridan!

Feeling diffident about having a 'stranger in your home' is a bit precious.

My mother's best friend died, our two families were very friendly and when her DH married again some years later we all took his new wife into the fold. this couple and my parents remained friends until they all eventually died.

I have been at two weddings where the wife has died and the husband married again - happily - but at these two ceremonies the late wives' daughters put on a lacrimose show and fled. I could have smacked their bottoms. Very sad that they lost their mothers, and a bit of a facer to go to their fathers' weddings, but it was some years after the deaths of their mothers and they were grown ups. I really did feel they could have been more considerate for their fathers.

Let your friends husband have a quality of life again. No one will forget his wife especially him. Life goes on.

I think the real problem is that I would feel guilty if she became a friend. My friend who died was a very jealous person and I know that she (very unreasonably) would hate the thought of her husband being with someone else.

but it sounds like her widower is also your friend?
For me I would prioritise not actually upsetting a real alive friend over feeling guilt about hypothetical upset a dead person would feel if they weren't dead IYKWIM

Everyone is a stranger at first! I imagine your friend is capable of making a good decision about his ladyfriend...? I doubt he'd pick someone you won't 'get on with'... I think (as others have said) that it's a compliment to you that he wants to bring her. Just enjoy it - it's not forever, just a couple of days!!!! She might be absolutely lovely. (And don't worry at all about being 'disloyal' to his first wife as (unfortunately) she's no longer here! Hope this doesn't sound harsh, not meant to!!

You may have lots in common but you won't know if you don't try

I think going to a festival together sounds like a great idea, as you'll have plenty to talk about.

I am very glad that as the second wife of a widower his friends and relations were wonderfully welcoming and friendly to me. One couple, who had been his close friends, did cut him off for a while which he found very hurtful. When I did eventually meet them they were perfectly pleasant and now that the wife is a widow she keeps in touch quite closely. (And tells me that she would like a new partner!)

I think I see two issues here: The first is having someone you don't know staying at your house. The second is the perceived betrayal of your dear departed friend.

I'll wager the second issue is probably the one that weighs on you the most, because I can relate. My own mother remarried four years after my father died and even though I was by then a married adult, I don't think I ever got past that. It bothers me even today and they're all dead.

When you speak to him, whatever you do, don't use the word 'betrayal' or that you feel you are betraying your friend. He could feel disapproval of his new relationship and you will alienate your valued friendship.

So have an honest conversation and be sure to let him know that you are very happy for him. Ask him politely if he doesn't agree that you all should get acquainted first before putting HER on the spot making her stay with people she doesn't know (and has he even told this woman that you were his dead wife's best friend?!) Let him know you look forward to meeting her and follow your comments with suggestions on where to meet. You could also arrange for an outing or some shared activity that everyone can enjoy in order to get to know her better.

I agree, staying at someone's home for a first meeting is a bit much. Just suggest meeting for coffee, lunch or dinner.

From experience, I have to say I think men can be extraordinarily dense over the more delicate points of relationships. Seems to me that because he himself feels fine about staying with you, someone he already knows well, you and the new woman should feel equally OK with it. I can almost hear the breezy, 'Oh, stop worrying, it'll be fine...'.
If I were the OW, I would feel constrained to point out to him that however HE feels, it's early days and a hotel or B&B is the way to go this time.
I can't help wondering whether money is also a factor. Could it be that he's short, or just tight? Heaven knows it's not uncommon.