How far would you go to be with your children?

I went abroad and got married and stayed there, had children and everything. Never was there a question of my parents coming to join me. Ditto now my children are strewn across the globe, it wouldn't cross my mind to move away to go and join them.

When they were small it was important to me to give them roots and a home to come back to. Even though they are globetrotters, I still hang on to that and they all converge on us at Christmas.

I still go back and visit my mother and sister - also a sort of "returning to the roots." If my sister moved away, and/or my mother died, and I had no one left in East Anglia, I would be bereft.

We shouldn't underestimate the value of the place we grew up, as well as the people who cared for us in our formative years.

We would love to move to the town where eldest daughter lives but couldn't afford it.
Second son lives in India, at the top of a 2,133m mountain.
He says we can go and live with them, (2 adults, 4 children in a 2 bedroomed house)but I think it would be a bit crowded

We moved when we downsized to Somerset, about half way between DH's DD & Family & my DD & Family. My DM is still in Yorkshire where I grew up. After DH died I moved to Devon to be nearer my DD, I live about 10 miles away from her & this is my last move. I chose my home carefully so unless I become seriously infirm I hope to remain here for the rest of my life.

DD is unlikely to move away from this area as her OH is registered disabled so no work issues. We all love where we live. It is hard with DM being so far away, she is 88 but apart from two cousins who I rarely see I have no other relatives in Yorkshire. I ring DM every 2/3 days & have visited for 2 weeks already this year with two more trips planned.

Every family has to consider what is best for them, I moved 250 miles from DM when I met DH along with my 9 year old DD.My DSF was still working so they would not have moved. DM did consider moving to Somerset but on reflection decided that in her 80s it was too much, she's always lived in the same village where she was born.

I have one child in the US, one in Scotland and one in England. My fourth and youngest is a student doctor so still at uni but her work could eventually take her anywhere. It would be pretty difficult to know which one to follow.

Dh and I have lived all over the UK, from our home county of Kent to the far north of Scotland and stations in between, as well as in two Third World countries so we know that you really can't rely on anyone staying put in any one place nowadays.

We will need to move eventually as although we love our current home, it won't be practical for the future. We quite often discuss where might be the best place to move to but never come to any useful conclusion. I did suggest that we sold up completely and went to live with each of our offspring for three months at a time!

You either have children who want to fly the nest or children who want to live near family. As parents we should not have any say in it. In hondagirl's case there were other contributing factors that influenced their decisions and it is unfortunate they are now on their own.

For many children they may be devasted when they hear the parents are following them, others will be really pleased. My daughter likes me to visit but not for too long.

At least with modern technology communication is so easy. Last night I was discussing a paper with my daughter and we are 1,000 miles apart. She e mailed it to me and I sent some suggestions back. We then discussed it on FaceTime and she was also doing her ironing. It seemed like she was in the next room.

I think it is an each to there own personal circumstances, however being reliant on your adult children for your own happiness is not a good thing.

I have 4 adult youngsters, I am happily divorced from their biological 1 as the boys call him. I am happily remarried and I have a story that you would read in a biography life.

I have been through much in my/our lives and have learnt our children are through us, not of us.

2 of my 4 live abroad. 1 in Canada where she made her life, having always wanted to live abroad the opportunity came and she took it. She has also met her long term partner out there. I wouldn't want her back here, because she is happy.

I also have another son who lives in New Zealand. 2 of mine have decided to stay here and live in the same City as us.

No I wouldn't move with any of them. They can move on. As I said our children are through us not of us. We hold their hands a little while and then help them fly.

In this day and age, of Facetime Skype, email, text, phone and cheap air travel we are blessed. The world is a very small place today compared to even 40 + years ago.

To bring your children up, for me, we should be bringing them up so they know the home fires burn for them however them knowing that they have the freedom to live their lives and IMHO should not have to live with guilt around parents.

Having been born (Myself) to look after my Mom in her old age (I was told that was why) I lived with that and was tied to my Mom emotionally without realising it and which I did. I did not want the same for mine and have made sure they all know it so they are free.

I have also ensured my eldest son who lives locally, happily married etc. knows it is not his job to see to his brother when we aren't here. My 2nd son has serious mental health issues. I will have as much in place for my 2nd lad as I can has the years go on. It is NOT my eldest son responsibility to look after him.

We all come from different angles depending on our life story and this is why I write as I do. Some will see my take as odd/peculiar however it is very healthy and balanced. Therapy and family of origin work has helped free me from the ties that chained me over the years. I do not want another generation of the sins of our fathers passing down.

Oh yes just to confirm I did look after my Mom until her death. I did what I was born to do. I am glad I did however it does not mean I want it for mine. It isn't right and it life has moved on from what the expectations were once, thank goodness

When I was in my 20's in 1974 and just married, my father moved from UK to New Zealand with my 2 teenage brothers (mum had died a few years previously). I stayed in UK, as a new phase of my life was just beginning - husband, house, career. An older brother also stayed in UK. Dad wanted a new life for himself and a good future in NZ for my brothers, and over the years his decision proved to be a good one - dad sadly died there in 2002, my brothers still live there, have lovely families and are grandfathers. Would I , as a daughter have liked to see them more often than I did? Yes, of course. But we stayed close and visited as many times as was practicable (for me, with full time work, and 3 children, this amounted to 3 visits in 30 years). I certainly never ever bore my dad a grudge for moving so far away. When our own 3 children had grown up, and becoming independent following university, OH and I were ready to retire. The house was too big for 2 of us, and to be honest, there was always the (very) slight possibility that one or more of the children might come back to live 'at home'. So we didn't just downsize...we moved to France, 11 years ago. It's a move that our sons, less so our daughter (she thought we were mad!), supported, and now that they have families of their own they appreciate their holidays here. We nip back to visit, and sometimes to help with childcare. Apart from that we have WhatsApp, Skype and the like. I think we're all happy. The future is an unknown, in many ways, so I can't say we'll never go back. But if we do, it will be to somewhere we choose, and not necessarily near our children. It wouldn't be easy to choose which child to select in that regard anyway, as they don't live particularly near each other. I will just add that friends often comment what a close family we are - you don't have to live on the doorstep for that to happen

We did the same thing Frankie, an adventure for us although not entirely welcomed by all the family. I didn't have children so they could look after me in my old age, I want them to be free and independent.

My children are middle aged men who certainly would not want their mother following them around the world. I don't think we have any right to assume that we should move just because they do. One of them is planning to move abroad in a year or two. I am not even considering following him. My life is here. But I am hoping to have some nice visits to him.

We only have 1 daughter who is married with 2 children. As my only family I would live anywhere to be near them. It would rip my heart out not to see my grandkids

My son and DiL asked us to move closer to them when they were expecting their first child. They were very family minded and often did the 2-3 hour drive to see us and part of their reasoning I'm sure was that it would be easier if we were closer to them, especially when they had a family.

So not a case of us 'following' them anywhere. At the time my daughter, SiL and GS1 were in NZ. When they chose to return to the UK they too decided to look for teaching posts and settle close by.

It works for us, because, as several people have pointed out every family has different dynamics. I know for sure they will never move now.

Would I have moved half-way across the world? I truly do not know.

We have moved a 100 miles away from our children. Mainly to get rid of a mortgage. It's great our children visit us regularly and stay with us. One comes and the rest follow. We are in a rural setting away from the hustle and bustle of London. No regrets.

Our DS lives in Aus. and has done for 4 years, we are estranged from his brother and have been now for 4+ years. In fact, we moved 6 months ago to get away from our ES and his family. They were living just 15 doors away and it was too painful never knowing if we'd catch a glimpse of the GC we weren't allowed any contact with.

We wouldn't move to Aus. to be near our son. TBH It's far too hot in the summer for Mr. S. and I don't particularly like it there; no offense intended. I've joked with our DS that we might get the extended parent visas the Aus. authorities have recently brought out, I think they allow a sponsored parent to stay for up to 4 years.

When I mentioned this to him he said 'yes, sounds great mum but I've a feeling your long stay may coincide with our move to a pig farm in New Zealand'.

He realizes as we do that it will become harder for us to travel out there as we get older and also there's the financial aspect to consider when Mr. S. retires. It certainly isn't cheap and we both find the long flight difficult enough as it is.

We're loving our new home where we've been 6 months now and I can't think of anything that would induce us to move again.

We sold up and moved to same city as our 2DDs and their families but we soon realised that it wasn't for us. We weren't seeing as much of the families as we had thought as they were so busy with their own friends, families and work and we were missing our life in our home area. Fortunately we were in a rental property so returned home. It was well worth doing and we are really happy in our new home which is just over an hours drive away from the families, so we can be there easily if we want to be but we can carry on with our own lives. Like Lyndie - no regrets.

My eldest son and his family moved out to Canberra 6 years ago. As his partner is Australian and she had been working in the UK for 10 years it was always on the cards that they would go at some point. Their son was 3 and the little girl only 11 weeks old when they went so it was a big wrench. Luckily my daughter had a baby boy of 4 months and an older son then aged 12 which softened the blow a bit. So we have them and my younger son in the UK still. We have been out to Australia 3 times and they have been back once. As it is quite a tough journey we may not be able to face it once we get older. I feel that I could only move out there if the whole family went as how do you choose between your children. My eldest son chose to go out there but I could not choose to leave the other 2 behind.

As DH and I are both only children and our DS is an only child too, we would move to the ends of the earth to be close to him, our DDiL and DGS.
Fortunately, DS loves where we live, my family have been in the area for well over two hundred and fifty years now, so I think it's in our bones! When he was first starting out in his career, he lived and worked 50 miles from home and hated every second of it. We live on the coast, us literally on the promenade, and DS one road back, and the thought of waking up and not smelling/hearing/seeing the sea horrifies us all!
DS also has his own business here, and although he could work anywhere in England or Wales, he'd have to gain different qualifications to work in Scotland or anywhere else in the world. So, hopefully, he'll be staying close to us permanently, although he's been warned already, he can't escape us

I moved away from Scotland 20 years ago, however, though I'm originally a Londoner, I've been dreaming of returning.
My Son moved with us, but was also pining for his life back in Scotland and got a job and moved back. My Daughter was at University in Edinburgh at the time and had lived there ever since.
Now I'm about to retire and I'm going to move back as I gave no tyes here, we are not going back to Lanark, but have decided to move near my Daughter & our only Grandson and we can't wait to be part of my Grandson's life. We would never be in each other's pockets, so hopefully it will be good. I have lots of good friends scattered around Scotland and I am looking forward to catching up with them.
May I add, if my Daughter moves away, I most definitely won't be following her, once we're settled as we will feel very comfortable living in Scotland again.

I think it's really vital that family move to be near each other, every member of the family has some other interest in the country/place so that it works for everyone and isn't dependant on living in each others pockets. I would move to be near my children when they have a family but only if its to a place where I think I can have an enjoyable life separate to them.

I would never follow my children. There is no way I could be sure that they wouldn't move again, even if they didn't intend to, unexpected disasters/opportunities occur that change everything.

We live some distance from our children and it has been discussed, but we all decided that it was best for us to stay in the area we know and have friendship and organisational networks than for us to move to a new area and have to build those networks again, plus facing the possibility that there may not be opportunities to follow some of the activities we are involved with in the new area.

I think that moving within the UK and moving abroad are very different questions. If you move to somewhere in the UK, you may well be leaving your friends, your established lifestyle, etc, but there are unlikely to be any drastic shocks. I'd certainly think about it, to be nearer my family, if necessary. Moving overseas, however, is a very different kettle of fish.

Apart from changes of culture, climate, possibly language, etc, not to mention the hassle of getting a visa, what about the financial implications? My dad's brother moved to Oz many years ago and I remember his wife (on one of their rare visits home when they were retired) said that no-one should think of moving there to be with their kids unless they had plenty of money to support themselves, particularly where healthcare was concerned. Don't know if that still applies today, but it certainly does in the US. My daughter, living in Wisconsin, says the cost of living is very high, including the various taxes they have to pay, and healthcare is a nightmare. They have very good health insurance through SiL's job but still get unexpected bills for things that aren't covered, and she says she can't imagine how people manage if they can't afford insurance.

Don't think the UK pension would go very far in the States, though it might be different in Oz. I wouldn't want to emigrate anyway, even if I didn't have my other DD and her little girls here. In winter, the temperature in Wisconsin can drop to -60!

About 5000 miles. What an adventure! Terrific to be with grand children. New home, new friends, new culture and wonderful climate and quality of life. Wish I'd done it years ago.

Notonan you think it's vital to move to be with family so what if you have three children in three different parts of the world ????

...or even different parts of the UK

I'm one of the lucky ones, both of my children and their families live less than 10 miles away from my husband and I. Would I move to the other side of the world for them? No, I would not,however I would go on extended visits to see them and the grandchildren.

Three children in three different countries, I'm happy here and love travelling to see them. I wouldn't move but plan to have longer visits once retired but would probably rent rather than stay in their house. Roots and wings are the two best things you can give your children.