Coping with Difficult Member of family

Nelliemaggs Sun 11-Jun-17 11:29:05 I had the same kind of mother. She had a lot of problems with her mood and temper. My dad took me in hand once after one of her numerous out of control episodes chasing me into the bath and smacking me with a wet towel at age 12 because I put the wrong brand of detergent into the washer. When I told him what happened, he tried to explain she was 'fragile'. I think that was a mistake, as I ended up just giving in to her all the time, anything to avoid being yelled at or hit. I lost count of the times she called me and my late brother 'selfish ungrateful children'.

Later in life when she had Parkinson's I had to put all that aside and be the adult she needed me to be to help as my dad was elderly himself. She had few friends except for the church goers. It was difficult, but I got through it. Finally, her death set me free. I grieved under the weight of her wasted life and the loss of a mother who I wanted to love. But after a time, that burden lifted.

No one, not even a family member, should be expected to have to 'cope' with a toxic person by handling them as though they are 'fragile'. If S had a terrible past? Maybe that might explain it, but some people are just hard work. I avoid them, even if in the family, except when social occasions require it when I am polite and pleasant, but keep my emotional distance.

Sometimes we can't avoid the negative people in our lives. I have a sister who suffers from a depressive disorder and honestly how do I avoid her, I can't and nor would I want to.

If i stick with certain subjects like gardening and her new house the conversation is not so much negative as she is the only expert on home ownership and gardens. And while that in itself can be grating its not the usual I hate this person and that person.
And maybe I am the one who has an issue because we are actually going on a cruise together to celebrate our retirements! In a moment of clarity she even admitted we should avoid certain topics, yay!!!
Sometimes I wonder if we the "positive" people have become overly snobbish that we can't handle being around "negative" people. And sometimes we don' want to hear the other perspective. My sister can at times nail some viewpoints and albeit negative they are sometimes quite true.
I am lucky my sister does not have a major disorder but a minor one and sometimes our time together can be exhausting but other times we do have a good time and we both leave each other better people.
Maybe the thing to keep in mind is they have an illness try to support them but don't enable them.

Your life is your and you must shut out the people who drag you down.Being an addict or mentally ill does not excuse you making the life of another person hell.It is not only the mentally ill who have feelings that are important.Annishere no doubt your friend and your sons partner are as fed up as you, tell them you have had enough and will not let this woman impact your life a moment longer.

I don't think you mentioned how your son and his partner feel about S and cope with her. My point is: are they finding her difficult too? If so, perhaps you should confide to them that sometimes you feel like tearing a strip off S, but don't do so out of consideration for them.
My mother was a difficult woman to get on with in her latter years, and both my sister, my father and I were actually quite relieved on the one or two occasions where an old friend told my mother straight out that she was being difficult and unkind.
Perhaps S isn't just your problem, but all her family and friends' problem. If so you might get somewhere if you all took the line that being drunk is not and excuse for being downright rude and that her drinking has got out of hand and it is high time she went either to AA or Blue Cross for help.

As I grow older I cannot tolerate or give 'air time' to negative /air drainer people. I have adopted. Grimace and nod!!! I value my true friends and family, but having only lost my mum 9weks ago I find myself,adopting her values, listen smile nod and the do what the f**k you want!!!

It sounds like too many people pussy foot around this lady S and this is why she continues to be the pain in the bum that she is being.

My advice is just be yourself around her, don't compromise yourself, there is no need, you won't hurt your family and friends in any way if you simply say what you feel needs to be said.. if you have something to say its ok to say it just don't say it in an argumentative manner.

It does sound like S is one un happy lady, especially as she goes on and on about her sad life

Sounds like she could do with a good friend to hear her out.

If you feel you really can not tolerate her, then say no to invitations where she would be present, it really can be as simple as that.

I think Lewlew hits the nail on the head when she talks about "emotional distance". It isn't always possible to keep our physical distance but we don't have to become emotionally involved - lots of good strategies on here! I think most of us have somebody like S in our lives, I certainly do and sometimes I can cope with her and sometimes I can't. She's asked me for a "catch up" soon - wish me luck!