I've been married for almost 45 years. It's not been a brilliant marriage, but we've loved and raised two children, done well in our careers, enjoyed reasonably good health and are not strapped for cash.
Apologies for the long rant.
We took early retirement about 7 years ago and spent the first 4 years bringing our shabby house up to date (mostly done by ourselves). We never really discussed what we wanted to do in retirement but I know he always wanted to improve his photography skills, see a bit of the world and have a model railway (he has most of the kit in boxes). None of it has happened, and he doesn't show any interest in making it, or anything else, happen.
He sleeps 10 hours plus a night, so it's late morning before he gets up, so too late to go anywhere interesting. He thinks that driving 10 miles is a long journey, so being in a rural area means even the next town is too far for him.
He has no plans for the rest of his/our life. It is down to me to organise holidays and he tags along. It is down to me to arrange to visit our girls and grandchildren, and he doesn't seem particularly interested in doing anything with them (they are aged 5 and 3) - he sits in a chair and watches them play. He would happily stay at home every day and potter.
His conversation is non-existent. Today I tried to discuss the success or otherwise of comprehensive schools and he seems to have forgotten what they were, calling them Secondary Moderns, and telling me that our daughters went to grammar schools (they didn't). And this is a man who spent years of his life involved in politics, both local and national, and whose career was in Higher Education. The conversation ended with me in tears cos his arguments were factually wrong and he couldn't see that they were. He told me I was being bossy.
The girls have noticed all this too, and basically have stopped including him in conversations involving anything that requires advice or an opinion - they just ask me, and welcome my input. The most they get from him is "I don't know" or worse, incorrect advice, or even worse a badly-told joke instead that they have heard tens of times before.
Before we took early retirement 7 years ago he talked of developing his photography skills, travelling Europe in our caravan, setting up a model railway (he has all the kit in boxes in the loft). But he's made no effort to pursue any of these. I found him a photography class but after a few sessions he declared it wasn't useful to him. I have drawn up plans to convert our garage for a fabulous model railway but he has barely looked at them saying he is "not sure about it". As for travelling Europe, he now thinks a ten-mile journey is long-distance and suddenly has declared that he has always hated driving - this man had a Triumph Spitfire when I met him!
He is slow and plodding at everything now (he never was fast, but it all seems worse), declaring that "it is bad for you to rush about" and "I like taking my time". Meanwhile I am boiling with rage inside. Even his speech is now laboriously slow, and I've noticed friends losing concentration and wandering off before he has finished his point - which is usually not even interesting.
Everyone thinks he is a "nice man", and he is. He wouldn't ever insult anyone or hurt any living thing. But two friends recently told me "He's a lovely man, but heck, he's hard work isn't he?".
He's nearly 71 (I'm 65). Is this what 71-year-olds are supposed to be like and am I being unrealistic expecting him to have enthusiasm for things? I certainly still have plans and enthusiasm, and could cheerfully take myself off alone to do them, but I'd much rather we did it as a couple, or at least know that if I were off doing something, he would be doing his own thing too.
How do I spend the rest of my life with this bore? Can I chivvy him up in some way to be more lively and positive? When people ask how he is, his standard reply is "Oh, not too bad considering". Considering what? He is fit as a flea.
I say he is as fit as a flea. This is another bugbear (and I apologise again for the length of my post). As I said earlier, his hobby involves politics, so you can imagine that with County Council elections in May and the General Election in June, we have been out delivering leaflets every day. Except I have delivered 80% of them myself, either because he was too tired to come with me, or because he was so slow. I must add that I am not fit. I am more than a little in the obese range on the charts, and he is at the bottom end of "overweight". One particular day we were delivering on a modern estate of semis and I devised a route for each of us that would end up back at the car. If either of us got to the car first, we would carry on and meet the other later down the road. So I did my half, and back to the car. I carried on. And on. And on. By now I was worrying that I was sticking a leaflet through a door he had already done. So I phoned him. Yes, he was fine, he was just round the corner. I had delivered 175 leaflets to his 35. When I queried it with him I was told that his arthritis was playing up. What arthritis? Never been mentioned before. But okay, his knee was hurting. A few days later we were doing another round with the same plan but I made sure that his houses had no steps or steep drives. I did 160 with steps and slopes to his 20 on the flat. His response was "Just because you can go like fury doesn't mean I have to do the same". But surely that isn't normal to have done so little? Is it another example of him having no enthusiasm?
Sorry for the long post, I didn't know what to leave out to give you a proper picture.
whatever the problem, whether it's medical or that he is just plain boring you need to make a life for yourself following your own interests. Anya has the right idea and I would suggest you have a long hard think about what you want to do in retirement and get on with it. Life is so short.
Forgot to say I am lucky, my husband is 70 and is fell running and his brain is far sharper than mine!
I know you probably don't want to hear one more person say this, but sadly I can say from very close experience it sounds exactly like the onset of dementia.
It can be completely infuriating to live with, no matter how much you love someone. At the moment, I'm battling every minute of every day to live with myself over things I said, and ways I sometimes behaved, to my mother, who died in April.
There are also all sorts of infections that can cause the problems your husband is having - urinary/prostate, lung, blood infections can all seem exactly like dementia.
The fact that he's sleeping so much can cause dehydration ... another dementia-imitator.
Please look into all possibilities. I hope and pray it's nothing serious. I know how hard it is, but for your own sake please try and be patient till you know more. Forgive me for sounding melodramatic, but despite taking care of my beloved, wonderful Mum for 17 years, I'm wracked with guilt. It's a pain I never could have imagined and I wouldn't wish it on the devil himself.
Sorry if this sounds like I'm turning the post into my little story, but it's because I can't bear the thought of anyone else going through this. I really hope that it's nothing, and that if it is medical it can be taken care of easily. But please try to find out.
nananina I think you should cut Meg some slack - it's less than 24 hours since her OP and she's obviously having a hard time at home.
I'm the first to be irritated with posters who start a thread and never return despite members giving long helpful replies. In this instance whether she returns or not I think the thread has been useful for other posters, and has certainly opened a can of worms.
...could have been my thread...?...know exactly how you feel...BUT you have to get on and fill/live your own life...?
I am in the same situation as you. However in my case my husband had a head injury following an RTA 18 months ago. He sleeps on average 22 hours in 24, doesn't do anything around the house or garden and his personal hygiene leaves a lot to be desired. Doctors have told him he must try and exercise more and lose weight but it all just goes over his head. He doesn't like me going out and leaving him so I am restricted in what I can do. I would love to have a holiday but its difficult to take him away. I would certainly suggest you have a chat with your GP. I can understand your frustration though, even though I know my husband can't help how he is to a point, he doesn't try to help himself at all.
Those of you whose partners have had a diagnosis of dementia ( of any sort) please see what services are on offer. The Alzheimer's Society have lots to offer: advice, befriending, outreach workers, carers courses and groups and dementia cafes. Don't struggle on by yourself.
Getting him to the doctor id undoubtedly the best idea but one he may well resist. It may take some subterfuge - getting a home visit or you seeing the doctor and expressing concerns. I had exactly this situation with my dad but got the GP out to see him, resulting in a referral to the memory clinic and social services. Please don't see his behaviour as him being awkward - chances are there is a problem so best to face it head on.
I totally agree with you Nananina I thought the original post showed no feelings for the poor man and no understanding It didn't seem to enter Madmegs head that her husband could be physically or mentally ill only that he was a nuiscence and the way that it was thrown in so casually that the daughters no longer include him in the conversation and just ask me and welcome my input really made me feel the poor man needed more than medical help
I haven't read all of the messages, but have read a good number which suggest that your husband may have a medical problem, dementia being suggested. I don't know if anyone else has suggested that it could be an underactive thyroid problem. My DH had all sorts of symptoms some years ago, including feeling very lethargic, tired all the time, and felt he was getting old very quickly. He felt there was something wrong and kept going to the doctors. By sheer chance, after a blood test, the lab suggested he should be tested for underactive thyroid, and that was the problem. He started taking medication and since then has been his usual active self. This is just another possibility - apparently it's not common in men, so the doctors had failed to diagnose it. Hope it can be sorted out, whatever the cause.
It may be difficult, but try and persuade him to visit the Doctor.
Kitty in response to your question. I have niggling doubts about DH. My father had vascular dementia and my mother Alzheimer's, and every so often I have brief feelings of deja vu. He can be fine for months and then starts behaving really strangely and irrationally. He thinks he has had a conversation about something with me about making arrangements and gets annoyed when I say he hasn't. I definitely know he hasn't. On one occasion, I came downstairs and he was waiting for me, car keys in hand, saying we had arranged to go and organise a new bathroom. We had definitely not arranged that, as I had a doctor's appointment! It's lots of little things. I can't work out if he is just getting old or it's something else. He is a very clever, usually a kind, placid man, but something has changed. He would be really angry and hurt if he knew I was talking about this. It's just good to get it out of my system. I actually mentioned this thread to him this evening. He didn't see what I was getting at.
To Nananina, your opinion is callous in the least. Having posted my original message, I read the first tranche of replies and set about doing some online research into depression and dementia based on people's suggestions. I eventually fell asleep at my computer at 3 a.m. Nevertheless, I was up at 7 as I knew I would need to persuade my husband to go to the ONE thing he DOES like attending once a month, which is a short walk along the canal with a U3A group followed by a pub lunch. I usually go with him, but last Thursday I fell badly in the garden and have hurt my knees and face, and jarred my body. I KNEW he wouldn't want to go without me, hence the two hours of persuasion. While he was out I loaded the car with thirty bags of garden rubbish to take to the tip, the knees just about coping, as despite me saying he has no interest in things, if I find him a straightforward job to do he will take part. So on his return we went to the tip. Back home and he helped me to finish cleaning our two little greenhouses (again, a straightforward job with no complications).
Having not used this site much, I had no idea how to get back to my post (and still don't, I landed on it by chance) - but I have responded to three private messages sent to me. After several attempts to find my post I turned to researching a trip I have seen involving a steam railway (remember, he likes trains) and we are going on Friday.
So to anyone who thinks I don't care, am not interested, am not returning to my post, they are wrong.
To answer some of the points from the vast majority of respondents who have been kind and understanding, the main thing is that I am tending to think is it is not dementia. I know, it presents in many ways, and I have first-hand experience of it with my mother and a recent friend being diagnosed - it is easy to miss the early signs. His memory has always been lacking, I have spent 45 years reminding him of things, but usually "everyday" things, so the discussion about comprehensive schools was an oddity. I might be wrong, and will bear it in mind as so many of you mentioned it.
I doubt it is the lack of structure since he stopped working. It is 7 years ago, and his job was never 9-5, and in the last 10 years didn't take up more than about 25 hours a week, 35 weeks of the year. So little structure there. That issue is more likely a concern for me, as my working week was typically 60 hours, and I DID suffer depression after retiring - fortunately picked up by my doctor, but my husband didn't notice me sitting around doing nothing, not getting showered or dressed, ignoring friends. He has probably forgotten it. So when the few people on here have told me I don't seem to care about him, well he didn't care about me back then either. And I did say it hadn't been a great marriage.
Re my daughters noticing anything amiss, it is only in the last few years that they have been at stages in their lives when they needed help with things like mortgages, wills, child-rearing and so on, and soon realised that Dad was not much use at advising them. Other than that, they seem to think he has got a bit slower, a bit less talkative, a bit this and that, but not enough to make any real comments. Plus they don't see him often - three or four times a year for no more than a day or two - so they aren't aware of how he is day-to-day.
There is no way I could ask him to accompany me to a doctor's appointment on the pretext that it was for me. He would assume immediately that I was dying or lying. I have had many health problems over the years and have never once asked him to come with me to the doctor. Yes, he has driven me to hospital appointments, but sat in the waiting room while I went in. That has always been my preference, I don't know why - probably because he would complicate it by asking irrelevant questions!
There is also no way I could persuade him to go to the doctor for himself, unless I can convince him that it is vital. He does have annual check-ups, as a result of the fact that about 5 years ago (having developed severe varicose veins in the front of one leg at least 5 years before that, and having ignored my requests for him to see a doctor), one of his leg veins developed into an ulcer, (which he chose to ignore for about six months) and he was eventually forced to see the GP when he could stand the pain no longer. The result was two years of hospital visits, biopsies, visits to the nurse for dressings, etc etc. All of which I accompanied him to, and changed the dressings.
So he does not have high blood pressure, or diabetes, or a thyroid problem (that's me - I haven't got a thyroid gland any more!
We used to have Well Man clinics, he would never have gone, but they have been stopped.
Re his health, he seems to think he is invincible. We both smoke, and I have urged him to give up with me, or help me to give up. Our daughter with the kiddies has said they cannot come to our house till we give up, but it has no effect on him. I have BEGGED him to at least try, but no chance. Who is the one who is insensitive?
We are both unfit. I have tried to instigate a walk every day, but he can't be bothered. He manages to do it for a few days but then tells me he must spend the day doing something else - which doesn't get done.
Now, very interesting from Cherrytree - thank you. I did not mention in my original post his gait and posture. Whilst he has never been a particularly smart-looking man, who walks as if he has a purpose, he was, until recently, perfectly average. About 2 years ago I noticed that when he sat at the breakfast table opposite me he was slumped in the seat. I chastised him about it, and he rectified it - for a short while. I chastised him again a few weeks later, and again, and eventually gave up. He was 5-foot 11 when I married him. Now, if we are sitting round a table with friends, he looks like a dwarf compared to everyone else, scrunched up in his seat. I assume that is laziness - don't shout at me!
But about the same time I noticed him shuffling his feet across the kitchen floor, not picking them up at all. I told him he would ruin the (new and expensive) floor if he carried on like that, and after several repeats of this he stopped doing it. The next issue was the "plopping" when walking. He seemed to thump his right leg on the floor with every step. Kerplonk, kerplonk. It irritated me (yes, I am such a cruel person Nananina). He stopped doing that for a while, but to me it was a sign that something other than laziness was the cause. I mean, you don't plonk on a particular leg without a reason, do you? I further noticed that he was walking in a flat-footed manner, not via heel-and-toe. He denied all this, said he wasn't walking like that, said I was determined to find something that said he was ill, and I wouldn't be pleased till I had done so. Such is our loving relationship.
And then I read Cherrytree's swaying comment. We went to a model railway exhibition (organised by me, the wife who doesn't care, for the husband who likes model railways), and he went off in a different direction to me. He had been gone for quite a while and I was looking for him, down a corridor full of people walking towards me. I spotted him easily - his was the head going from side to side by about a foot with each step.
Is that a sign of dementia Cherrytree? Another friend who hadn't seen him for a while, witnessed his stooped and swaying gait and remarked "What is wrong with him? Has he got Parkinson's?". I relayed this idea to him and he scoffed at me, repeating that I wouldn't be satisfied till I had found him to be ill, and if I carried on like this I was actually making him ill.
However, I know not how, I DID get him to see his GP about 18 months ago, regarding the plopping and the swaying. She referred him to a physio who gave him exercises to do. He never did them despite me saying we would do them together. The physio eventually referred him for free session at a local gym. He went religiously two days a week for 3 months. I noticed no improvement. They also gave him exercises to do at home, and he did none of them. On his final session he proudly told me that he had done really well on the treadmill that day - he had got up to a mile an hour. A mile an hour? Isn't that a strolling speed? Hardly a notch on the treadmill I would have thought. And as I said, I am not fit either, but a mile an hour!
To answer the person who asked am I not worried, do you still think I am not worried? Maybe I am worried for ME, for the burden I might have to endure with a sick husband, but despite it not being a great marriage, I will do my best for him, cos I could not leave him to his own devices.
You can rest assured that if it were me who had a problem with my gait or posture or memory, he would do bugger all about it. He wouldn't be arranging trips to places of interest to me. I've been ill. I've seen how he copes. He sits me on the settee and I instruct him what to bring to make me comfortable, and then he goes off to another room to do, er, nothing much. I might get a cup of tea brought in, but no conversation, no stimulation, no suggested of a gentle outing somewhere. I could sit there for years in the same position and he would do nothing.
Whereas I am seeking advice on this site as to what might be wrong with my husband and how to handle it.
Yes, I am bursting with rage, but I have cried buckets while writing this, thanks to people like Nananina.
I don't think there is an answer.
I got angry with Nananina, so forgive the sarcasm. Bluebelle, I have thought everything possible about my husband, both physical and mental illness, and he refuses to accept any suggestion of the possibility. What do you mean "the poor man needs more than medical help"? Could you enlighten me as other people have done with their sensible suggestions? What is this help that you feel he needs?
Hi Madmeg I m glad you have come back to answer and add to your original post and of course I ll answer your question
When I wrote in reply to you (remembering on this site you only get a small snapshot of one side of the story ) I felt you gave many examples of why you were so upset and hurt and angry but I felt no compassion or love in your post that's what I felt was needed when I said medical and more The thought of everyone in the family ignoring this nuicence of a person felt very uncomfortable to me. maybe it's not really like this but that's how it read to me
It's a shame that any negative posts have caused you so much added heartache if you ask a large group of people what to do you are going to get some suggestions that you don't want to hear and some differences of opinion
I think you have said a lot in this second post about your marriage and probably this is where your anger lies, you are now feeling totally trapped and if I ve understood correctly you have been trapped for a long time and feel very resentful ...you say you will do your 'duty' Will that work? You are in a horrible position and I truely feel for you because you are now looking to maybe having to care for someone for the rest of your life and that someone is a huge irritation to you Excuse my directness but do you love this man ? Do you even like him? You imply he hasn't cared about you throughout your marriage so has it been a marriage in trouble for a long time ?
You say you are asking for advice as to what might be wrong with him you have been given post after post suggesting the man is ill I haven't altered from my original answer I still think it sounds incedibly like dementia or with the added information of his gait, possibly some form of a Parkinson's/neurological related illness but it doesn't sound like normal behaviour and is not going to improve now is it ? If you know you can never get medical help for him then get help for yourself go to your doctor and tell them you are at the end of your tether because you really sound as if you are your anger and resentment is bursting through every paragraph I think YOU both need help and I truely hope you find a way to get it
Madmen, my heRt goes out to you. You are seemingly battling alone at the moment. I know you cannot drag a grown man to the doctors, they just dig their heels in. I donwobdr,M however, might it be an idea to visit your doctor, explain your concerns, perhaps they could visit your home? This might not be possible, in these days if cuts, but you need help too. For a start I would give up on the leaflet delivering, say your bad isn't up to it to your husband. You have to have a life with dome sunshine in. Cannot you get a handyman to help with those jobs you both find hard, could you do a class or activity on your own, get out of the house. If your husband objects to help around the place, just say your are not getting any younger and finding it too much. It does sound very much like depression or something medical that needs addressing, but without cooperation from him, you are trying to manage a grown man, who doesn't want to do anything, a home and what sounds like a biggarden single handily, you love the man he was, but things and age change a lot of people, think about what you want. It would be easy to feel sorry for your husband, this isn't what he would have wanted either. However, he wants to be this way for whatever reason, which I am sure isn't to make your life hard. Good luck.?
BlueBell you have said everything I wanted to say. I work with Dementia daily and feel so very sorry for this man who sounds like he is really struggling without knowing why. He needs an assessment and lots of support.
Madmeg you sound so very angry, I believe you are grieving the loss of the man you loved. We go through all these emotions when grieving, but in the end we have to accept and then move on. At this stage your husband needs to see a doctor to get a referral to be assessed for Dementia. Depression can often be mistaken for dementia, so they will rule everything out but if the result comes back with a Dementia Diagnoses regardless of which one, both your lives are going to change dramatically. You will need to learn to live in his world and to learn that in that world everything he says is right. It is one of the hardest lessons to learn, but it is up to you to do so, because he cannot change nor understand however much you argue or explain. It is not that he WILL not he simply CAN'T.
My thoughts are with you and I wish both of you a happier life together. YOU CAN LIVE WELL WITH DEMENTIA WITH SUPPORT.
Madmeg - my heart does go out to you. As I said before, I really do think it sounds like your husband might have early onset Parkinsons or dementia - maybe vascular dementia. My father had this, and it can take a while to recognise. With the slumping - maybe mini-strokes (which are indicative of vascular dementia). I am so sorry that you have not had a happy marriage and it sounds like you are not getting support. It might be worth contacting social services and seeing if there is anything they can do. If your husband won't go to the doctor's, maybe you could go and explain what you've said to us.... They might do a home visit and be able to assess him. It really seems to me that your depression is rearing it's head again, and even if you can't help him, you might be able to get some help for you. I really hope you can find some support....
Madmeg Making a bad situation worse, your description of his walking, immediately made we think Parkinson's disease. My FiL had it and would not see a doctor, until he collapsed in the street, more or less outside the doctor's surgery.
But the many posters who say that as things are the first person you should be looking after is yourself are right. You must see a doctor yourself. Tell him everything, all your health worries and the problems with your husband's behaviour, especially those that sound like symptoms of an underlying illness - the foot dragging, mood changes, apathy that are bringing you close to breaking point.
Might consider that there are all kinds of non-respiratory complications for long-lifetime smokers. An unsteady gait may be a circulatory problem that is causing him distress.
Hope you can convince him to get a physical. He must be feeling poorly, so an MOT could give answers to both of you. He likely fears the doctor because he will be told to quit smoking. A good GP will advise that, but surely can help with helpfully and non-judgmentally explaining some of his problems. Knowledge alone can help give back control to your lives!
singingnutty I was going to post the same thing, my husband was diagnosed years ago but some of the symptoms sound familiar.
Oh heck. Thank you all. And Bluebelle for your further explanation of your comments. The issues with my marriage are complex, and don't directly relate to my post. I raised the possibility of us splitting up about 8 years ago, and we agreed to maintain the status quo, with a few changes on both sides, that we have, in fact, stuck to. So no, I don't love him, but after 45 years I am not sure what love is. He says he loves me but there is no evidence of that other than that he hasn't left me, and we rub along okay in many ways. Having made that agreement to stay together then yes, it is my duty to help him if he is sick. I would feel the same even if we separated.
I am a bit big on duty. My father, on his deathbed, asked me to look after my mum for him. I promised. I loved my father to bits, but my mother was just, well, his wife. She wasn't a mother in my understanding of the role, she fed me, clothed me, and did little else. I was the ten-year-old who arrived at school one day and found blood in my knickers. I thought I was terminally ill. I ran all the way home and when I told my mum she said "Oh, it will be a period. Did you not know about them?". Er, no, why would I if nobody had told me? She provided a fat sanitary towel and an elastic belt to fit an adult, and left me to it. When my boyfriend of a year ditched me (I was 18) she said "these things happen, get over it". No warmth, no hugs. I cried alone in my bedroom. She was no mother to me. But my dad asked me to look after her, and I bloody well did. She got dementia. I spent two years helping her to live in her community. I made sure she got a lift to Church every Sunday, and to the social club. I took her shopping in Tesco every week, and she came to me for Sunday dinner. It was my duty. And when she was found wandering the streets at 3 a.m waiting for a non-existent bus, she was sectioned. I found her a pleasant care home, she was happy there. It cost me all of my intended inheritance and more, but the point was that she was cared for and happy, as my dad would have wanted.
So yes, I am a believer in doing your duty.
I really don't know what to do next. I did write to his GP a couple of years ago, regarding his posture etc but she or he didn't seem to take notice of it. There are no home visits, and he wouldn't qualify even if there were - there is, to the outside world, nothing wrong with him.
If he were to read this thread and all its comments he would be absolutely livid. He would brand you all as scaremongers and idiots, with your own agendas, i.e. to label him as "ill". He would be furious, because to him he is not ill, there is no problem. The only problem is all these people who try to tell him he is ill. He would shout "LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU ARE ALL CRANKS, HELL BENT ON MAKING ME FEEL ILL, AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME". The fact that I have resorted to a website to ask for help would merely tell him that I was also "Out to get him" He wouldn't see that it meant I was getting desperate. Of course, you are all, I assume, women, and that is possibly an issue. He has no men friends. The ones he had when I met him 45 years ago have mostly disappeared. I have kept in touch with a couple of them myself, and we exchange Christmas cards and get the occasional invite to a significant birthday, but he rarely wants to go. The walking group he is in has only one man (there were two till December, he sadly passed away), and he has only flippant conversation with anyone. The ladies all think he is a lovely man, if a bit boring.
I still don't think he has dementia, despite the number of people on here who have suggested it. He may well have a more physical problem, but he denies that he needs to see a doctor, telling me to stop pressurising him. He is not ill, and that is that, in his words.
Lewlew, he is not feeling poorly.
I still despair! But thanks everyone for listening at least.
Meg
Go to the doctor for yourself Madmeg and then I will add only one thing
Duty without any love will destroy you both
Hi madmeg,
Thankfully I have never found myself in your position, but yes; even duty with love can be a difficult and soul destroying thing. I say that through experience of looking after my mum.
Are you and your husband due any kind of health check type appointment, or could you manufacture one by phoning the doctors to arrange to both be seen? All else I can suggest is to start making a little life for yourself, which won't mean abandoning your husband in any way. His hobby is doing nothing in particular, so it seems, but that doesn't mean you also have to wither away.
Sending you best wishes, and hoping you can sort out a way forward out of the gloom. 
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