I despair!

Sounds like depression, maybe brought on by retirement. Get him to see a doctor as if he's forgetting things it could be something else like dementia. Hope things get better.

It could be clinical depression or the early stages of dementia. I'm surprised you're so furious with him and not worried. He needs a thorough health check in my opinion.

Annsixty if a surgery won't help although my experience is the opposite there are ways and means
My friend's husband was showing memory problems but she didn't think he would agree to a doctors visit so she told him as they were getting older they were both going for check ups Not only did they discover he had the start of dementia but that she had emphasema which she knew nothing about and that at some point previously she'd had a mild heart attactv again with no knowledge She has since remembered fainting and feeling unwell for a few hours a few years before and think that must have accounted for the mild heart attack

Oh dear ...yes PLEASE as other have said ...make an appointment NOW for the doctor ....if he is difficult and doesn't want to go, say it is for you and you would like him to accompany you (you could write in confidence to the doctor first to explain the things you have written above so that the doctor knows what he/she is looking for) ...in my case I am lucky, as I always accompany my husband to the doctor and explain his problems

My husband is now 84 and had always been active (I mean as in climbing on the roof, diy, etc etc all the time until around a year ago when he got progressivly more difficult, angry all the time, criticising everything,disagreeing with everything, told me to go and jump in the river (I was tempted ! it became incresingly difficult not to) but I took him to the doc//he had already had two TIA,s vasculaire disease, replacement arteries in his legs, and a carotedectomy ,,,,,all of which eventually as caused vasculaire dementia followed by a diagnosis of Parkinsons disease. As we live in rural France we have no family or friends, and he has said he will refuse to go to any respite care, as the doc suggested, for a week now and then because he 'can't speak French'. Every day becomes a battle ,,,,he wants to climb ladders to cut trees (he has no balance anymore and has difficlty walking ...doc gave him a rollator ..refuses to use it !) wants to use electrical woodworking machinery ,,,,,when I say NO he says he will do what he wants and I can shut up or go away......

I WISH he would sit in a chair ....this morning he wanted to go for a walk to stretch his muscles ...so I dropped what I was doingm got in the car and took him to a local country park ,,,get out of the car ,,,opened his door got his stick ...held it out and went to help him out ,,,DONT WANT TO GO he said ......reminded him he had asked me to take him ...WANT TO GET A DRINK AND GO HOME he said .......I bang my head on the wall ....then he wanted to go to the DIY shop and spend more money on screwsm sandpaper, etc etc ...he is planning to climb onto the shed roof which he says needs a repair ! I have already arranged for someone to come and re paint the shed, repair the door which sticks, et et cbut he says it cannot wait ! I totally despair !

He has one daughter aged 56 who lives in the UK and never telephones or visits..she says she is glad I am here to look after him !

Sorry about the long tale ....but just to reiterate, you MUST get him to the doc ...it may be nothing serious, but you will not know unless you go and see.

As for some one who said you shouldn't crticise him, he may be ill ...this is all very well ...if you have someone who is ill and needs care, but is pleasant and good to get on with, it must be a whole lot easier I would love to leave when I am on the receiving end of the abuse and throwing things and swearing at me, as I have no life whatever now (I shall be 70 later this year)...I would love him to come on holiday somewhere, but he refuses ...or go to the beach for a walk and a drink ...he refuses all he wants to do is to put his life in constant danger ...what can I do > I am afraid one day when I come home (I only go as far as the village shop) he will have fallen off a ladder and broken his neck ....I threatened to give all the ladders away ....

PLEASE go and at least find out....living in the UK you could probably access some support if he has any progressive illness ...but hopefully it may be depression or a treatable problem and he will feel better after getting some help and or medication or therapy !

Such good luck

Definitely try to get him to see a doctor or speak to one yourself about him. His behaviour seems very like that of a friend of ours and he had/has dementia. I'm sorry you're feeling so angry about it, though I honestly do understand why, because it might be clouding your judgment. All the very best as you try to get to the bottom of this.

My 72 yr old husband complains of getting tired quickly and can sleep for 10 hrs a night regularly. BUT he still does aikido and medieval martial arts (swords to you and me, gardening and we go ballroom dancing.
It sounds to me as if a health check is definitely needed. There are a number of things that could be wrong and the drastic change compared to when he worked does not sound normal.
Instead of fuming quietly, go out and about yourself, it sounds as if he would be happy if you did and left him to potter... There will be others in your area who would love to have company visiting places - try putting a note on the noticeboard of local sheltered or retired accommodation. Join some local groups to meet like-minded people. You're both too young to give up now.

I know a couple of you have already mentioned dementia- what you have said about your Hubbie, is exactly what happened with my step-father, unfortunately it took several years to get the correct diagnosis which in the end was vascular dementia. Hang on in there and maybe go to see your GP on your own first, if you have a good relationship with GP you could explain your worries, so he/she would know what to look out for when your husband when along for an appointment ??

Firstly I think you need to consider a health check this could be depression or dementia.
If all is well then it just might be a case of him settling into a rut and living life at his own pace.
My husband was only 50 but as he got older he liked to take life slowly and what I saw as boring and dull when he was not in work. ( He worked for the fire service and had speed all week) He passed away two years ago, and there is not a moment in the day that I don't miss him. I would give anything to have him plodding slowly and being dull back in my life. Life is short find a way to enjoy life for what it is if you can. I hope you find happiness somehow . Take care

I see madmeg has not returned to the thread. This always annoys me especially when so many people send long messages. HOW you could not realise this as a healthy problem I don't know - you must be very insensitive. Maybe she is embarrassed but at least you could come and say thank you to so many posters.

This sounds so like my life madmeg, except that mine, rather than talking to me
sings and talks to himself much of the time - although hardly ever when there are other people present! Having tried for several years, counselling , trying to make him aware of how this affects me and our relationship etc. (which made hi vey angry) I have now decided to take care of myself before I descend into depression.
I have lovely friends who have kept me sane and great children and grandchildren. My GP has advised me to get out and spend time with positive people, doing things I enjoy. Life is short , and we only get one shot at it.
It is a diffcult situation but for now I have decided to stay, even when we move
house sometime soon. But I have made it clear that I need space.
One small tip - I have put my feelings and decisions in writing, kept a copy,
as DH forgets anything I say very quickly.

Sorry to go on, I wish you all well ??

Phoenix and LuckyGirl ...I tried everything to get OH [who had all the symptons of Madmeg's OH] to see his GP, he refused, saying he was perfectly OK despite all indications to the contrary ...in the end I persuaded the GP to contact him offering him a consultation at a [totally fictitious] Well Man Clinic, which much to my amazement he fell for ...result, he was diagnosed with high blood pressure totally off the scale, and severe depressoin.

Bluebelle's comment resonated the most with my own thoughts and my first inclination was not to write at all.

This is a man who has been by your side for 45 years, presumably for better and for worse.

Your disappointment and frustration are completely normal and understandable, but alas such is life! A dear friend of ours had a stroke a short while after he retired. He spent several months in recovery with his wife by his side. He slurred his speech and was partially paralyzed. With therapy he was finally able to get around with the aid of a walker until a second stroke killed him six months after that. Some retirement huh?

My point is that in this life there are no guarantees. I hate to be blunt, but what you really need is to get your priorities sorted out .....If you still love him, be thankful you still have him and please take him to a doctor.

The difficulty is often to get a man to visit the doctors ....as someone else said suggest a health check for both of you. I have worked with older people in sheltered housing before I retired for a lot of years and have seen how some people cope with retirement better than others. Men seem to struggle much more than women do....think as women in general are used to multi - tasking and being pro - active a lot of the time they seem to take retirement more in their stride than men do. Try doing a new hobby together which is,nt too taxing ...maybe gardening, growing things to eat, re- designing an existing garden creating different areas. Your husband sounds depressed, the lack of structure in his life seems to have had an effect on him. Yes there may be another underlying cause but then there might not be. A lot of the expectations we have towards retirement don,t always work out as we would like but have to think of different of ideas and solutions to make our lives as happy as we can.

When Bluecrest or some other similar health group are running check ups near you. Book and pay for appointments for both of you. On the day say we going for our MOTS and then for lunch or the reverse out for lunch and after lunch say 'today is our MOT day'.

if your husband asks why just say 'so that we know we are fit enough for our next holiday' and let the conversation go to holidays. If he is not going on one then say 'if I leave you at home I need to know you are fit enough to leave without a carer.

I am sure he is not well. Also that life may not any longer hold any purpose for living. The best of luck.

There are many types of Dementia so definitely worth trying to get him to see a GP. Men are notoriously bad at going to see the doctors though so you may need to make up an excuse (like a free health check or something) but does sound like there's something going on there - especially if other people are noticing.

I'm sorry to hear this Meg as it does sound like he is maybe getting dementia. It is also fairly typical of many men to not want to go to the GP, perhaps because they may hear something that they don't want to acknowledge - which sadly doesn't make it go away. All I can offer is my sympathy.

just seen this on Medscape slideshow.

Fatigue is the most common symptom of people who have low levels of vitamin B12. But fatigue by itself can be a sign of almost any health condition — or just that you haven't been sleeping enough! Other signs of B12 deficiency include confusion, cognitive impairment, unsteady gait, numbness, tingling and fatigue.

Just finished the medscape quiz on Vit B12 deficiency. It all seems relevant. Madmeg you might like to go this route first and try to sort it by diet if possible with GP's help.

www.webmd.com/vitamins-and-supplements/vitamin-b12-rm-quiz?ecd=wnl_spr_061217&ctr=wnl-spr-061217_nsl-ld-stry_1&mb=ypkAdVmorLbPJRYSIVo%40%40eHnVev1imbCqOUymtOtmmI%3d

willia Tue 13-Jun-17 14:10:22 Oh you get the clever clogs awad of the day. Wonderful idea. I will keep that in mind as it may be necessary some day. So far we are OK, but mine can be so medically-stubborn!

Madmeg

Sounds like my H just got bone lazy!! He is 63 but could be 80 from bed to tv and sofa then pub every eve. Retirement was worse thing ever he done. I still work but also do everything else now. You have my sympathy I know exactly what you mean.

Must be very challenging, but I go with Bluebelle and others who have pointed to the possibility of illness. Your rage may be your fear in disguise. Be as kind and loving as you possibly can to both of you!

Hope you don't and me asking Madmeg
Has your DH's walking step changed from the usual one foot in front of the other to Shuffling or lumbering side ways whilst moving forwards?
A change In walking behaviour can be a Dementia indicator .

My dh is now disabled aged 76, Our retirement plans went down the pan about 7 years ago. He is now reclusive. I am his carer. However, I also enjoy lots of different activities on my own. I have to or go mad.
Madmeg, make a life for yourseif, get help for hubs, but don't give in and shut down yourself. Life is to short.

Dear MadMeg,
No, this is not what all 71 year olds are like. In your place, I would be boiling one minute and weeping the next, so good on you that you are only boiling!

My father was more active at 88 (he died at 89 after two months feeling tired and then pneumonia), so as I am not a doctor, will you please, dear, hurry and consult yours? To me it sounds as if your husband is depressed - sometimes retirement takes men that way, because they have identified themselves more with their work than we women ever do. If it is retirement that is the cause, I would have thought it would have started earlier, but perhaps he feels now that your alterations to the house are finished that he has no purpose in life any more?

Sorry to be alarmist, but it might be the first signs of Alzheimer's so do please, consult your doctor, and I meanwhile will cross my fingers and pray that I am wrong.

Have you tried (I'm sure you have) telling him that you love him, but that you miss the man you have been so happily married to for so long? Sometimes I genuinely don't think that even the best of men, and yours sounds like one of the really good ones before this started, realise that being grumpy, lazy or whatever we are going to call his present behaviour is quite literally the outside of enough. Sometimes, I think, they don't even realize they have changed their behaviour or mood.

If you can't get through to him, perhaps some other member of the family can.

I do hope you will not have to live the rest of your life like this. If you have to, because it is some serious mental disturbance then at least a diagnosis would tell you what you were dealing with, and probably enable you to find others in the same situation who can help by discussing and understanding what you are putting up with, if that is your choice.

I know for a fact that the Alzheimer's association is able to provide voluntary helpers and a support group, and I am sure there are support groups for relatives of people suffering from depression and practically everything else you can think of these days. One of my school friends found these support groups enormously helpful when she went through something similar to your problem.

Please, don't just boil and try to accept that this is your life from now on, as I am sure it doesn't need to be. Try and find the right help, starting with your GP and anyone else you know who you feel able to confide in.

You are getting far more sympathy Madmeg than you deserve and you don't even have the courtesy to come back and thank people for their posts. I actually feel sorry for you husband because if he has depression or the beginning of dementia he isn't going to get much sympathy from you.