Forgiveness

No forgiveness here. I can't see the point of letting people get away with things with no consequenies. I find it quite empowering to shun people for ever who have done wrong to me.

consequences with a 'c' and no 'i'.

I've been through the mill in several ways, and although I think I've forgiven, I have never forgotten anything. What I've done is to move on and try not to hold grudges, but this post made me think: have I REALLY forgiven or have I just accepted things - and is this perhaps what forgiveness is?

I've maintained relationships - albeit in a changed way - with family members who hurt me badly, as I hate bitterness and need to have peace in my life.

What I CAN'T forgive is anything that's been done to hurt my child.

MY DH has cut off two of his three children, and will never forgive them. He swears that he will never have anything to do with them again after what they did (his DD accused him of abuse in order to break us up, and then denied she'd ever accused him when confronted).

When people never acknowledged the pain they caused, let alone apologised, I found it impossible to forgive. The experiences (more than one) made me very wary of trusting anyone but, over the years, I've made three close friends that I do trust (as they do me). That has restored my faith in humanity and I now try hard to let the past stay in the past and enjoy life to the full even if I can't truly say I forget or forgive.

We are all different ....what one person may forgive someone for another person would not. It depends on the deed and the person who has done it. As I have got older (maybe wiser) for peace of mind I try to be be more reasonable and forgiving. However never would be able to forget whatever the cause of it, and would make me wary of that person. We all react differently I suppose and for our own wellbeing sometimes it is necessary to do so.

I was very close to my sister and we rarely argued. I talked to her about everything and stood by her no matter what she did which was sometimes very hard. I often used to say to my husband that I loved her dearly but wasn't always sure I'd have kept her as a friend if we weren't related because, whilst being very funny with her exaggerated stories, she could be unpredictable. A few years ago my DD was became disabled following the birth of my GD and suffered depression. Her young husband would vent to me and my DS because he had no-one else to talk to. The future looked very bleak for a young couple who were struggling so my DS invited them on holiday. My sister's unpredictability caused problems and my DD fell out with her. In all fairness, I expect my DD wasn't in the best frame of mind with all her problems too but she was feeling a little more upbeat because she had been promised help. A couple of weeks after the holiday Social Services rang my daughter and said there had been an anonymous complaint about her as a parent. It turned out to be my sister who was miffed with my daughter and the lies she told were outrageous. That has been the line in the sand for me and I don't think I can ever find it in my heart to forgive such vindictiveness.

I can forgive but I can never forget, which changes the relationship as I am always waiting for it to happen again

I surprise myself, when having put up with things for ages and tried telling the other person what is bugging me, I suddenly cut them off forever. I find it better to be without them thean to suffer little (or big) hurts oer a long time, sometimes I miss them but I never go back for more.

Paddyann you have my admiration and respect f or keeping ging through all that.

I've been used and abused by my 3 consecutive husbands and have had two what I thought to be very close friends who both bitched about me and let me down horribly at Christmas. Forgive? No- have just moved on. No more marriage as my trust has totally gone and now have new friends. But my antennae are now very alert to snip problems in the bud. They were people who took and took from me and in the end brought nothing to the table, so as life is so short I decided to do a spot of pruning. I now live alone and care for my grandaughter 2 days a week and have a lovely relationship with my son and his partner. Living alone is great - total freedom, especially from use, abuse and let-downs!

Should we forgive ?
I am a great believer in fate and destiny will
prevail.

I have tried to forgive, but unfortunately wrong doings come back to my memory rather easily and it takes me years to come to terms with what's happened.

Unforgiveable to me is my daughter leaving to live with her father after divorce which brought immeasureable pain to me for many many years.

She then went to live with her step mother who was (and still is) a hateful woman which I never understood. We did have a short reconciliation ten years ago, but it proved to be based on what I could do financially rather based than on love.

I also had a falling out with one of my nieces over something I had made for her which she didn't pay for (a gift for her friend) and as a consequence my brother didn't speak to me for two years. Our relationship since has never been the same.

So, I guess I don't easily forgive and certainly don't forget. Family are the worst offenders imo. I keep away from family as much as I can these days!

My second husband abused my two small sons from my first marriage. Not in a sexual way, but he was very cruel to them. I had to leave, of course, and he attempted to have me sectioned, saying I was an unfit parent who could not administer 'wholesome discipline'.
He was unsuccessful, and I tried to get on with my life, taking a job as a nursing sister at a hospital some distance from him.
He wasn't going to give in, and wrote to the Matron telling her that I was a criminal, involved in prostitution and doing back street abortions.
The police warned him off, but all my alleged 'misdeeds' naturally had to be investigated as I was in a position of trust. Thankfully my colleagues and managers were amazingly and unflaggingly supportive, and I came through it all, but I can't describe the anguish I suffered.
I still have nightmares about that man, and though he died some years ago , I can NEVER forgive or forget, and sometimes wish he was still alive so that I could kill him slowly and painfully!

My sister and I have always had a strained relationship but I always felt that blood was thicker than water etc. She doesn't have any friends and doesn't speak to her neighbours. She has also been sacked from a lot of jobs due to her abrasive attitude. A few months ago she stopped answering my calls/texts, and starting telling lies about me (some of which were slanderous) . Her 2 daughters have argued with her about this and suggested a "round the table " meeting to sort things out. I agreed but she has refused, so I've decided that enough is enough. I'm upset about this but she isn't worth my tears.

I posted my situation with my neighbour some time ago after she misunderstood a situation and I overheard her saying "no wonder her husband left her". I had been looking after her for many many years, visiting several times a week, shopping etc., just generally being a good neighbour. She begged me to forgive her and I said I would but in reality I haven't found myself able to go back to where we were. I have her key and would always let her know when I popped to the shops in case she needed anything.
For a while I would phone to see what she wanted but she wouldn't tell me unless I went round to her house so I told her that if ever she needed anything, to let me know and left it at that. I went round when she had boiler trouble and again to speak to the bank on her behalf but never on the offchance. I feel bad about it but I just don't want to let myself into her house ever again for fear of what I may overhear, or just remembering what she said. I suppose picking on my husband leaving was touching a very raw nerve. Writing it down it sounds very petty but I can't seem to put it behind me.

To me it depends entirely on the gravity of the situation. I have completely cut a former friend out of my life after he became a neo-Nazi and nothing will ever make me speak to him again, as I cannot have any truck with a neo-Nazi.
Similarly, neither my husband nor I intend to give even the time of day to a former neighbour after we had to call the police on his eldest daughter's request to stop the man from murdering his wife in a fit of drug and alcohol induced rage. It transpired that he was a consistent wife-beater.
Lesser offences, I would definitely try to make myself forgive. Unfortunately, it is often very difficult to trust someone who has hurt or stolen from you.

Sadly we have experienced a lot of difficulties with family some of which are too painful and complicated to air here, as they have caused such incredible emotional hurt. However, we have also be damaged financially by a member of our extended family who has stolen a considerable amount of money from us (our life savings) and we have been unable to get the money back. The funds were released as part of a property deal and represented a deposit on a house which the other party was selling and we were purchasing from him. Given our ages now, we will never be able to save that amount of money again and solicitors have been less than useless, just adding to the overall losses. I don't think that our trust is ever likely to be restored and forgiveness in impossible. The behaviour of the other party has caused utter dismay and disgust throughout the family.

'Forgiveness' has to meet two tests. The first is that there was a serious offense to begin with, otherwise there would be nothing to forgive. The second would be that the offender has to show sincere remorse...either that or be dead. On that last point, the reason would be that forgiveness (of people who die) is God's job, not ours.

Personally, I am a very forgiving person (provided that second chances are requested sincerely and/or some kind of reparation be offered). Those who have hurt me and didn't care, have been cut off and never thought of again.

There are perhaps two or three people in my life that I have cut off that way and it's almost as if they ceased to exist. I feel fortunate that I now feel absolutely nothing (no love and no hate) and can't even remember their faces.

I will never forgive the man who sexually abused my sister and I. The abuse started before I was five and continued for several years. I also will never forgive my mother, who was told by this mans wife to keep the children away from him and she still kept on inviting him to our home, presumably because he brought her gifts and flattered her.
He eventually killed himself in a police station bathroom when another father made a citizens arrest and brought him in. Both him and my mother are dead now, but despite therapy and the distance of many years, the hurt is still there.

NannaM, sending hugs. I am not surprised that you can't forgive , I'm sorry that this hurt is still with you . Bless you xx

I send sympathy to all of you who have suffered so badly. Forgiveness, for me, is something that isn't just a once and for all thing (seventy times seven) and, though I think I have forgiven, find myself getting angry/upset/resentful so have to try to do it all over again. I still harbour a lot of anger against my SiL because of how he treated/treats my DD and DGD (they are separated) and against our MP (ousted at the GE) who after months of causing the utmost difficulties to DH and me pulled out of our house sale at the last possible moment. I believe I have to forgive these two men but I find it so very hard.

There are some horrid people about I can't forgive a man who got my oh sacked by lying and setting him up .my oh is a very gentle man but to hear him say I feel I have let you and kids down is something that stays with me . I know this doesn't compare to what some of you have gone through . He eventually picked himself up and got a better job.

How can you forgive a woman who has murdered our son
Nothing on this earth will ever make me forgive. And if you are thinking of asking me to don't bother.

If I see genuine remorse then yes but can quite easily cut someone out of my life if I need to

Oh Sheilasue, absolutely not. I don't think anybody could expect that. No one else has that level of evil to deal with and yet a lot of us have found it difficult enough. I wish I could think of something to say that would help but there just isn't anything.

My husband of 43 years dumped me two years ago for a so called friend of mine and left me homeless. Forgive him, not a chance!