Forgiveness

My sister started being bullying and unkind to me in a minor but stinging way. I tried for years to ignore it as she was scapegoating me when her family, DH or job became especially difficult. I kept 'forgiving' her and only ever replied to her increasingly insulting emails with calm, rationality. Unfortunately, it had the effect of appeasing a bully and the less I tried to take offence the more she felt she had to turn the volume up to get some effect. She has made me quite ill over the years. I have, at long last, learnt that she is never going to change. I try to ignore it all now and make as little contact as I can. It is very sad though. I recently looked back at my old photos when a dear friend died and it is clear we spent much time together and had a close relationship when we were younger.

My sister has been telling lies about me for several years. I feel like I'm in a soap opera and one day all will be revealed to family and friends ,that these lies aren't true and that she is the baddie. She's caused so much upset within the family but now I just want her to leave me alone. We used to be so close but something in her mind changed.
I will never forgive her for the hurt she is causing me, it seems to just go on.
I sometimes wonder if she is mentally ill.

Could she be very unhappy Izzy? I have a niece who is a 'people pleaser' she will say any porkie she thinks will please someone she is talking to.

I don't believe in harbouring grudges - damaging to your own psyche. Learnt many years ago that you can choose to release someone from their Karmic debt to you which benefits your own Karma, but when my ex-husband deliberately damaged my whole new family, including our daughters, out of jealousy and spite, I have never been able to forgive him whole-heartedly a second time. I believe sometime in future lives we will have to work through the hate and pain we caused one another, but this life is too short.

My mother died suddenly and unexpectedly a decade ago and my father, brother, sister and all my nephews and nieces have shunned me and mine ever since without giving a reason why. My father does send them cards and money but that's it. Due to my poor health - from head injuries sustained many decades ago - we are scraping by financially (we were in debt and had the bailiff round in 2015). I have no idea what I did to deserve this and other relatives seem to have no idea and many want to keep their distance I suspect as we are poor and my family are rich...
Most people who get to know this say ' Oh forget about them they must be horrible people move on with your life!' But I find this hard as I always thought we were a close and loving family. My children felt unable to get married because of the painful gap in the guests. Luckily we won't have to explain it to grandchildren at all soon as they are a generation removed and my husband's side, though thin on the ground, are very loving.
I do wonder what my family tell people as to why I am persona non grata now as they must be asked occasionally.

Someone we know was rude and ignorant to my DH while he was going through treatment for cancer. As my dad used to say 'I wouldn't spit on her if she was on fire'. Fortunately she is not family and we don't have to see her very often.

A very interesting topic.

People say you'll feel better if you forgive others who have hurt you, but I have tried and I can't because I am still angry about what I had to endure.

The perpetrators used to tell me there was something wrong with me, that all the things they said were true and that I had to be told for my own good. I was supposed to be grateful to them for pointing out my "inadequacies" and I was supposed to accept that they knew better than me what I was really like. The truth was that they were the ones who had something wrong with them and they knew it.

Although they are no longer part of my life, I still get upset when others behave the same way - even in fiction. I can't read tragic stories or stories describing cruelty to children because the memories come back...

If people find they are able to forgive and move on, that's fortunate, but I am not going to forgive them any time soon.

The best I can do is to pity them because they were inadequate and couldn't help themselves, and be grateful that I am not "broken" like them.

I think its assumed that not forgiving someone means lying awake plotting revenge, eaten up with anger and unable to move on.
Whilst that is certainly not healthy, I think moving on whilst knowing that person will no longer have any input in your life is a reasonable, non damaging thing to do?

I m also not sure if forgiving is the same as moving beyond I ve managed to put some bad stuff with husbands away but they have changed my whole life and I would never want to see them again so I m guessing I ve just moved on really and not truely forgiven
I had one friend who I felt betrayed me and I wonder if I acted too quickly to say I never wanted to see her again She moved and remarried so I ve no idea where she is or who she is but although that was about 30 years ago I do still think of her from time to time and wish I could rethink things
I was burgled twice and had no difficulty forgiving ( or moving on) it wasn't personal, they were only things, although they took my grandads medals amongst other things and that still is hard to swallow but I never felt so bad about that I was a bit philosophical about it all although shocked at the time

What I find difficult, is forgiving myself, I spend hours totally unintentionally thinking of all the things I did wrong I m not talking about huge things but I seem to dwell on everything I got wrong I worry about things I have done or said it's totally irrelevant as I can't change anything from the past but that's how my head works especially in the wee small hours

BlueBell - me too. (forgive myself.)

MissAdventure - it is certainly desirable to be able to move on if you can, but as Bluebelle says, these people can leave lasting damage behind them - a bit like PTSD.

So even if the perpetrators are no longer part of your life, things can happen that trigger memories of the bad experience - like soldiers in the 1st World War who experienced shell shock and suffered from it again for years afterwards even though they knew the war was over.

Maybe the best way to cope is to find ways to feel re-empowered when bad memories are triggered. I don't know if that also leads to forgiveness in the end.

I haven't ever been really badly let down by anyone but I have, in the past, allowed people to take advantage of me. I would forgive them time after time, now I say enough is enough and just cut them out of my life. I don't hate them, nor do I think about them, they are no longer a drain on my emotions, time and finances.

Before I read on, paddyann, I'm so sorry! Don't blame you for not forgiving, especially since your child was involved! Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't "feel better about myself" if I forgave someone who hurt my child.

I'm glad you left that book launch when you saw him. I hope he noticed. Let him realize he didn't fully "get away with it." Somebody (you) still hasn't forgiven or forgotten.

"I think moving on whilst knowing that person will no longer have any input in your life is a reasonable, non damaging thing to do?"

Agreed.

I'm another one who can forgive easier than I forget. Especially if trust has been broken, I generally feel I need to remember to protect myself in case of a repeat performance.

I also worry about the other person's thinking their behavior was ok just because I forgive it. I might let go of hate in my heart for my own sake. But I'm wary of forgiving outwardly unless I see true remorse.

THANKSSTARLADY but its not in my nature t hold grudges so me not being able to forgive him makes ME feel bad.I know that the psycological tests MUST have shown he was in a bad place when he did it I just cant get my head around the fact he'd do it to someone he considered a friend.To be honest I dont understaNd why he would set fire to ANY business...but I still wish I could say I dont blame you when I consider how you were feeling at the time.I cant though ,when I saw him it brouugt back a whole series of bad memories .Me walking the floor at 3am IN CASE he carried out his threat...and that was for months not just once .My daughter having her photo taken for Brownies and only whhen I saw it realising she was underweight and drawn and worried looking...I cant get past that ,maybe I should have therapy,the thing iis I THOUGHT I'd dealt with it and it wa sin the past ...until I walked into him in March

One of my friend once stole my car and he didn't know about the GPS installation.The outcome was obvious. I forgive him but law did not. He is very poor and did that for money. That day I forgive him but made a promise to self that I will not make any more close friends. I don't belief in institution of friendship anymore.

I think it is very sad not to believe in friendship anymore

So much pain in this thread! So sorry! (((Hugs))) to everyone!

Izzy, I was thinking "mental illness," too, as I read your post. I know not all mentally ill people hurt others, but something may have changed in your sister's mind for her to change so suddenly and so drastically.

Caroline, so sorry for your losses, both of your mum, and, in another way, your other close family members. Hate to say it, but could it be they (selfishly) just can't deal with your health & financial issues? My heart aches for you, no matter what.

Skweek, how awful your x caused such damage. Some things one can't come back from.

Thankyou Starlady - much appreciated.

Yes, as starlady says, lots of painful memories for people. It wasn't my intention, but thanks all

I don't know what I'd do or how I'd feel if our ES came to us and sincerely apologised for cutting us out of his and our only GC's lives and for the terrible lies he's told and allowed to be told.

I'm not sure if I'd believe him and if I did, I don't know if I'd ever be able to forgive but I like to think I'd spend the rest of my life trying to do so. I can't imagine ever having much of relationship with him though as the enormity of his betrayal means I could never trust him again.

The last almost 5 years have shown me that moving on and forgiveness are not linked. We moved 7 months ago and are living and enjoying this new chapter in our lives. We've moved on but forgiveness has not been sought so none has been given.

Ah, smileless, I originally wondered what would happen if an estranged grown up child decided to make contact again. I didn't want to directly ask, for fear of the usual "advice" and "suggestions" that crop up time and again. Thanks for answering.

Thank you for starting this thread MissAdventure. It was upsetting to read some of the posts, to read about how others have been hurt by those they love and trusted but also encouraging to read about how so many have managed to move on with their lives.

At the beginning of our estrangement I never thought about forgiveness, all I wanted was for him to come back and I suppose I assumed that forgiving him would be natural and effortless. Even his cruel lies seemed to be something that could be compartmentalised, frozen in time, regarded as 'said in the moment' because he was so angry although goodness knows why.

But as the months turned into years and once the vile emails had stopped arriving and the silence was deafening, I became to realise the damage that he'd done to our relationship was so great that there was little chance of it ever being repaired and even if it were, it could never be the same.

So often, estranged parents are reminded that a parents' love for their child is unconditional and I think that's because if EP's talk about their inability to forgive it's mistakenly assumed that their love for their AC isn't unconditional but of course it is.

I will love our ES until the day I die, whether or not I'm ever able to forgive him.

Very interesting thread!

I will never forgive or forget what my once beloved & cherished daughter did to me [her mum], to her sister and to her toddler daughter, my precious granddaughter, never! She destroyed her birth family on a whim of her nasty husband & his mother, all down to jealousy. My precious granddaughter is not his child and I worry hourly about how she is being treated by him & his mother. When I read Ramblyingrose's post, it made me think of her, as I think this is what my GD will be enduring, as my son-in-law & his mother are pathological liars!

If my daughter had come back, even 18mnths after cutting us all out for no reason, I would have forgiven, but almost 5yrs on, too much damage that can ever be repaired now!

Please ignore brackets, thought I was putting in too many comas with 'me, her mum but now looks wrong with the brackets