siblings falling out

Esspee Fri 07-Jul-17 11:33:36 That sounds like me in a way. My brother was 7 years older and way ahead of me with his older friends. We did not have much to do with each other, like ships passing in the night. Then he came home from military service, and suddenly I was more in his age group and his future first wife introduced me to some of her younger male friends at her business college. When they married I became very close to their children and involved with them from birth (thank goodness or I would not know anything about babies never having had any of my own and now have a DGD).

We were never super close, but having to deal with our parents in their elderly years brought us together. He was very kind and welcoming to my husband when I finally got married very late in life.

Sadly he died suddenly after open heart surgery last year. I had not seen him since he moved to Florida in 2010 as we only visit our old hometown in New England. Now I wish we had. We were very different in our life choices, he was ultra-conservative in the US, and liked a very wide and busy social life which he had with his 2nd wife. I am the total opposite, but we stayed clear of things like that and just concentrated on being family.

Brother in Canada. Never been that close but I make the effort for the sake of my elderly parents and Aunt (who aren't tech savvy). I'll send him 5 emails about the family, how people are, ask how he's doing. I might get one back but it's all "me, me, me" and how intelligent / all round brilliant he is at his job. Rarely asks how I'm doing (if at all). My DH says we are complete opposites and if we stood together you'd never guess we were related.

I hadn't spoken to my sister for about 7 years until we bumped into her and her husband on a steam train in Norfolk. That was a bit of a shock - polite conversation, then we went our separate ways ...

Yes it is a shame but it does seem to be very common. I get on reasonably well with my twin sister (we are chalk and cheese) and have a passing relationship with younger brother though we aren't particularly close.
However with older brother it's different. We haven't had a massive falling out but he is married to a very fussy and domineering woman with an army of sisters. Perhaps she doesn't need any sisters-in-law? We receive/send greeting cards but that's it. If she sees my sister walking down the street she sidesteps to avoid her. Is she really that bad? Is a 'hello, how are you?' really so difficult? We just accept it.

I have two older brothers and1younger sister we all get along fine although my sister and I are closest she is always there for me and vice versa so feel blessed really

I have never spoken to my 2nd sister now for 20yrs after she decided that I was making life to easy for my DS1 and his then partner when they where expecting DGD1,she insisted that we should allow them to make the best of things themselves and not help them with regard to deposit and furnishing for their first flat,she was friends with sons partners family and said they couldn't afford to help so we shouldt make them feel inadiquite financially,she was told to mind her own business and let us take care of things for our son as we saw fit and we have never spoken since.
Over the years I have tried to break the ice with no response even at my DGGDs Christening 6 mths ago she did the catering and stayed in the kitchen the whole time rather than speak to our family,its a shame as we saw each other every day and cared for each others children when we worked shifts.I really do miss having her in my life.

Agreed Tessa. I would have loved a sibling but, having read some of the above posts, it might be a case of "be careful what you wish for"

I have a very close relationship with my brother and sister even though we live miles apart which is probably because our parents died very young. When my parents were alive, we couldn't stand the sight of each other and argued constantly.

Yes I agree the family can be difficult but can also be a great help and support when things go wrong. Particularly now the welfare state is being dismantled.

Stop please just stop all of this `attitude` of family orientated grievances (perceived or otherwise) against you/or towards a sibling and ASK YOURSELF THIS ...... if YOU/or YOUR SIBLING needed a matched organ to save your/their life would you/they consider having the test for the match (it may be the only possible way forward for yourself/or sibling, the alternative being DEATH?).
A day may come along when YOU/THEY are in that exact position .... please let me finish ok perhaps you are right too much water has `flown under that bridge` but for your own children/nieces and nephews for whom you and your sibling are setting an example don`t teach them to build a wall but to build a bridge ie you don`t have to be bosom buddies with a sibling, but at least keep a contact or you just might be throwing away the only `Lifeboat` you/they have.

my sister and i haven't spoken for about 9 years. it all happened over the clearing of our parents' house after our father died in 2008. she and my brother in law took the best bits of the furniture and other stuff without talking things over with my brother and myself.
i live 100 miles away and brother at the time lived something like 300 miles away.
and then it was decided [with coersion i think but i can't find any proof] that her daughter would buy our parents' house at a vastly reduced rate. sister was executor of their wills and also had power of attorney. this was "gaining a benefit" which is strictly not allowed. however i couldn't afford to do anything about it.
so both my brother and i cut ties with her. oh, we exchange birthday and christmas cards but that's it.
at the time my son would have liked to buy our parents' house but didn't get a chance to say anything - we were presented with a fait accompli.
we have been at a social event together twice since this [my brother's daughter's wedding and the funeral of one of our cousins]. at the wedding my brother in law didn't exchange a word and at the funeral both of them stayed in the kitchen and didn't say anything at all.
we've never got on - she was daddy's girl - and i was the eldest and supposed to be the responsible one!
my brother has now moved to the states and remarried but we do stay in touch by skype but not regularly.
i am closer to a couple of friends than i ever was to my sister and actually don't think of my sister as a sister any longer.
in my view she acted badly over everything to do with our parents' death and the disposal of their house and i can never forgive her for that.

Gosh Silversands - I`m not sure it is right to try to keep on good terms with someone in case you need their kidney one day!

The point I was trying to make is that as parents we see our children getting on well as youngsters, but are then distressed when they fall out - but if we look at ourselves and our friends we really shouldn`t be surprised that this happens.

Obviously it is to be hoped that everyone can keep on good enough terms to be able to support each other if necessary - but it isn`t always possible

Silversands most posters on here have said they have tried many times so you can't be telling people they must make more effort It has to be a two way thing or else your flogging a dead horse
I don't see why you are so upset at peoples posts it's life you can't keep a relationship alive just in case you need a transplant in the future I think that's really bizarre
As an only child myself I longed for a sibling always have, still do, I purposely had three children ( would have had more) to alieviate the only child syndrome They grew up happy children together, even through teens, my eldest daughter was always 'saving' the youngest one from various scrapes through teens early twenties. After youngest one married she totally lost interest in the other two Her brother wasn't bothered he was tied up with his own family but eldest daughter really feels rejected She keeps the door open with odd phone calls or help but it's never reciprocated and as her brother lives the other side of the world she often says she may have been an only child

Brothers and Sisters are vastly over rated in my opinion and if my children don't want to talk to each other that's up to them, shame though but that's the way they are now. And as for sister-in-law I wouldn't trust her at all after all she's never done anything for her mother whom she considers to be a pain! but will be the first in the queue when it's time to inherit

As an only child I don't have this problem! But my DH fell out with both his sister and brother in the early 1990's and hasn't spoken to either since. The problem arose because his sister booked their mother's funeral (even though he is the eldest son), and refused to change the date - he had asked for it to be changed because if fell on my birthday! When they refused "because people have already been told" he said that not only would we not be there, but he would never speak to them again - and he hasn't. The shame is that my DD and her family now live in the same village where his sister is (as far as I know she's still in the same property), and so she has to decide if she wants to follow her father's lead and ignore them, or to try and reach out to her aunt and cousins.
Families? Who'd have them!!

Daisymay nice idea...but knowing her as I do she wouldn't even open her door to me.She changed her phone number after dad died and her daughter was forbidden to give it to any of her family ..even my daughter who was very close to her.When mum was ill I had to leave a letter with her workmates for her.She didn't answer and she didn't come.She surfaced for an hour two years ago to speak to a visiting relative we hadn't seen for over 50 years ,only because she is in contact with him on FB ,declined my offer to attend a party /family reunion for him and I haven't seen or heard from her since .Ach well her loss ...my other sister and I have just accepted thats how she wants it

My eldest sister died age 69 one month ago. She had cancer of the spine and how I cried when I heard the news, even though we didn't live close (she in Wales) I remembered all the fun we had growing up. We didn't live on top of each other but kept in touch over the years. I would have gladly swapped places with her to take her pain away. I have a younger sister in St Ives and we have
always got on, fits of giggles when we speak or meet up. From the sound of previous posts, I consider myself to be very very lucky to have had these 2 great people in my life.

I would more than willingly give my sister a kidney should she need it but I sincerely doubt she would reciprocate. However, what I am most upset about is her behaviour towards our mother. I do a lot for Mum, who is not an easy character herself! But none the less she is our mother and we must love and care for her but for the second time in her life my sister has more or less sent Mum to Coventry, because basically sister didn't get her own way. In my opinion, whilst I still love my sister, none the less her behaviour is beneath contempt. However I have not cut her off, she has cut me off, and this appears to be the experience of the other posters on here.

It is very sad when families don't get on and I'm sure there are many reasons. It makes me feel very fortunate. I too was an only child and had no cousins near my age as my parents were both much younger siblings. I longed for a family and was blessed with 4 children. Their father left when the youngest was 5 and I think it was then that we all became very close. They all get on well together and with their families see as much of each other as they can, allowing for distance. They are close to me and my second husband - in fact closer than his children. They have joined us for holidays, hosted Christmas and so on. Reading some of the sad posts, I feel very blessed.

I love being an only child . My 2 DS get on very well. Most of my friends have little contact with siblings & DH never sees his.

I had a brother who was younger than me. We usually got along as adults mainly because I was prepared to turn the other cheek many times. He knew the contents of my mothers will 18 years before she died and yet when she died he really expected me to just halve evrything although I had been the one she lived with for 11 years before her death and he hadnt even been to see her for 5 years. He was so angry that he told me to keep away from him. I was coming to England regularly every month last year and went to see him every time. He had cancer and other health problems and he was my brother. I had a phone call to say that he was not expected to live more than a week so I flew over and stayed until he died. I was even the person with him when he died as my SIL had left the room. I don't suppose he would have been so amenable if the boot had been on the other foot.

I have 4 children who are not particularly close and rarely see each other. Two DDs live only 25 miles apart but don't see each other very often. None of them are in contact with my adopted children other than through FB. Neither are they in regular contact with me and usually I have to instigate the phone call or meeting. I see so many families like this now and I think it is a shame. I suppose so many people these days are only concerned with themselves and families don't matter anymore. My husband's brothers died so he says he has no family left as the wives and nephews are not interested. So we have decided that it's time we lived for each other only and enjoy doing things together.

i have three sisters no brothers .they refused to have anything to do with me after my mum died .they feel i didnt do enough for our parents which is true .had to work full time raise a son with a depressed husband .they refused to listen or understand
i love them a lot want them back in my life but it is not to be
i felt consoled reading about others who are going through trying times
thank you all for writing about siblings .had a heavy heart for a long time
true ,life is short

Interesting stories - I too am an only child who longed for siblings and now my parents have gone have no one to share memories with. My cousins are all in their 70's/80's (I'm 63) and although I think the world of them all rarely see any of them due to distance. My husband's brother is 7 years older than him so they had very little in common and although they did fall out (with his parents too) for some years they made up and in later years cared for my in-laws until their deaths. We get on well when we see them but that's once in a blue moon as they don't do family gatherings and didn't attend my youngest son's wedding some years ago. His sister is 3 years younger and we are very close - I think of her as the sister I never had. My eldest son's wife however hasn't spoken to her mother or sister since my youngest granddaughter was born nearly 16 years ago - many issues which is something like one of Jeremy Kyle's family situations and which I can never see being resolved. My own two sons have never been particularly close and now live on opposite sides of the world so rarely connect. It's just life I guess and something we just have to accept sad though it is.

I am another "only" as technically is my DD, she however has 1 Half-B & 3 Half-Ss, 1 Step-S & 1 Step-B. She is in contact with some others have drifted away. DD would say she was an "only", she has 2 DC, my DGSs, how close they will be I don't know as there is a 7 year age gap. My DM grew up as an "only" as her B died when he was 6 months old.

I never really hankered after siblings although as DM is 88 I have no-one except DD to share worry with, luckily DM is in pretty good health & still in her own home. Problem is we live 300 miles away from DM, I don't like to think how it will be when DM dies, but that's a problem for the future.

It's sad when families fall out but just because you're related doesn't mean you like each other.

My 2 children had a disagreement a few years which has never been properly resolved. I don't think it ever will be as they live at opposite ends of the country. Any attempts that I made to try and help just made things worse so I have stepped back. I am so sad as their children will never really get to know each other and I don't think I will ever see all my grandchildren playing together.