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What is a marriage?
(109 Posts)I've been with my second husband 10 years or so. I married him knowing I didn't love him, but we got on well together and I thought he was what I needed. He was highly intelligent, well educated, loving, interesting and fun. We would talk for hours about anything and everything. He helped me sort my money troubles that my first husband left me and I'll always be grateful for that. He didn't give me money but he instilled in me the ethos that you can't have what you don't have the money for.
Not long in to the marriage I discovered he was using online porn (which I have no issues with), online chat rooms and dating sites. I tackled him and he swore nothing had happened. This recurred over the next few years. It erodes trust gradually, and any marriage needs trust to survive.
I work full time, he took early retirement from the military and was retired when I met him. I am due to be made redundant at the end of this year, I'll be 63 by then so can take my full pension, lump sum and redundancy. Being at home with no purpose to life is anathema to me so I shall find a part time job or do voluntary work.
The mortgage will be paid off when I retire and I have approx 1/3 share in the house - he put in a lot more capital than I.
My husband does nothing with his days other than walk the dogs (unless I'm home, when I do it), a bit of model railway stuff and online gaming. That's it. If I ask he will put the rubbish out, mow the lawn and do local shopping. Oh and Hoover after a fashion if the cleaner doesn't do her weekly 2 hour stint. He does his own ironing because I refuse to do it. I do everything else. He drinks too much, has high blood pressure and sleep apnoea, though isn't very overweight - like many men he needs to lose about a stone which is mostly beer gut.
We sleep in separate rooms, haven't had sex for 4 or 5 years and to be honest I'm at the end of my tether.
He will go from one week to the next without showering or washing his hair, regardless of the weather. I've just rescued a pair of trousers and underpants he's worn for more than a week, possibly nearer two, and put them in the wash. To be blunt, at times he smells. He was going to join the same gym as me but ever since has complained of some ache or another that stops him. He enjoys ill health and is the biggest hypochondriac out. I know that sounds unsympathetic but it wears very thin after a while. I worry that lack of social interaction, stimulation and outside interests as well as incipient health issues are all red flags for dementia.
Do I stay and make the best of a bad job with the man I've described who I don't love? I'm pretty sure he doesn't love me either, but I'm very convenient to have around! Money won't be a problem as he has a very generous pension - and with no mortgage and my less generous pension but a stash of cash we're financially secure.
Do I go? Break out and escape while I can and live the life of an independent single woman that seems so appealing in theory but in practice may be lonely and is daunting. With less money and financial security but no being taken for granted and no endless moaning.
There are other things like the fact he is estranged from his sister (I've never met her), his younger son (they had a final blazing row on holiday, so we now never see his only grandchild), and my son (my husband had a row with him over who my son should invite to his own wedding. The upshot of that is I go and visit my son, and his family, but they don't visit us).
We no longer communicate on more than a fairly basic level, he certainly isn't the man I married, and that's sad. We seem to be aging at vastly different rates and our life force and joie de vivre are on different scales entirely.
He is fairly easy going in that I have my own interests and money and he isn't controlling or cruel. He is very opinionated and assertive as you can probably tell by the number of family members he's rowed with. He's right and everyone else is wrong, may be an age thing - grumpy old man syndrome!
Advice? Thoughts?
You didn't marry for the right reasons and no amount of trying to justify it to yourself will make it what you want sadly.
People rarely change - so if you don't like what you got from your bargain you should leave - do both of you a favour because as sure as eggs are eggs -if you're not happy neither is he.
Good luck.
Dear Snowdeop, was married for forty four years, didn't love him at the end and now four years later am just finding the woman l was meant to be. It will be hard for you, but you need to go, leave, find yourself because you deserve it. You will feel guilt but above all you will feel relief, you know you can make a new life and put yourself at the centre of it.
Hope things work out, remember this is NOT A DRESS REHERSAL. ❤️
I live on my own and definitely prefer it to being in a bad relationship (which this level of irritation would be for me). There are definitely lonely times but you may be able to stay friends with him and you are likely to see more of your son if he can also visit you. You are finding it difficult when you are out of the house all day, it will not get easier when you are together more.
You have nothing to lose by seeing a solicitor sooner rather than later. Giving up work is a big change and I think it is good to have a big project to do when you first leave work rather than suddenly having a lot of time on your hands. Finding your own place, setting up your new life, will probably be exciting once you have crossed the decision making hurdle.
It sounds as if you would be lonelier in the relationship than out of it. If you don't have common interests and won't have things to look forward to together it is likely to be restricting rather than freeing. Sometimes you have to create a vacuum and then fill it. That is the way to a more fulfilling life doing things that you enjoy.
Good luck but it seems that you have decided on everything but the how.
Snowdrop, what leaps out at me is 'he drinks too much'. That usually only gets worse and if he becomes sick I have the feeling you might stay around out of a sense of loyalty and kindness. Think on.......... Not at all an easy time for you but you've had some really thought provoking and constructive suggestions here from people more practical and knowledgeable than me. Good luck.
So in effect you married him for money! Was he aware of this. And now you are going to disrupt his life as well as your own because of your desire to leave. If you loved him you would get work through his "faults" with him, but hey, you've got what you wanted from the marriage ....financial security. Truth be known many husbands are guilty of most of the behaviours you say your husband has.
The sad part of it is that you will gain from the separation as he will lose a lot more financially than you will. Does he know you are thinking of leaving...probably not! You asked for an opinion, here it is.
Leave while you have a choice the scariest step is the first you sound like you are a decent hard working lady you still have time to make a happy future for yourself I left my marriage after 27years I was 55 in a low paid job however I am so much more at peace with myself and feel relaxed and happy I do get lonely but not as miserable and lonely as i was in my marriage
The lack of cleanliness would be enough as far as I'm concerned. Go as soon as you can.
W11girl. In the first paragraph the OP states that he does not give her money - she lists the reasons he decided to marry him and many people marry for less but then find love grows !
Personally I would not put up with the behaviours and luckily am married to a man (2nd time for both) who thinks the marriage vows are a good idea and something to live by.
Your marriage seems to have started on a negative, in that by your own admission, you didn't love him when you wed. It was hardly going to get better from there, was it? From what you've written, I'm surprised you're still there. What's holding you back?...
You have listed his initial good points.
You say you didn't love him when you married him.
You have stated how downhill he has become.
Perhaps he is lonely and depressed, have you tried getting him to see a doctor?
There are always two sides to every marriage, have you looked at your own flaws.
Dear Snowdrop, You sound capable of a happy and independent life without your husband so I'd say go for it! I spent 17 years in a marriage thinking I'd 'made my bed etc' and now cannot remember ever being happy with the man. A few years living on my own, at first with DS & DD then both away, I met my partner of today. We laugh and joke our way through every day and I cannot think of any alternative I'd prefer. You have plenty of years ahead to make a new life, and perhaps can see more of your son and his family. Good luck.
My friend was in an unhappy marriage and left her husband after 20+ years when their son left home. She bought a small flat with her share of the house. She was so happy she did and, as she said when I asked whether she was lonely, said she was lonely in the marriage. If you move out you will most probably see your son and his family more. As somebody said previously, you may have 20 plus years can you really imagine carrying on as you are for another 20 years? As other have said, write a list of pros and cons - I think you'll find one column outweighs the other. Good luck in whatever you decided to do.
That's very harsh W11girl and not the impression I get from the OP's post. She hasn't said she is taking him to the cleaner, quite the reverse. Her husband didn't turn out to be the person she thought he was. Happens to a lot of us.
Good luck Snowdrop whatever you decide to do. I married for love but gave up trying to get him to reciprocate after 15 years and just muddled along after that with a child needing 24 hour care and an elderly mother to care for. After 40 years he said he never loved me and left. He has been fair about the money at least and I couldn't be happier to have him gone.
Snowdrop, think you should leave while you are still young and able enough to enjoy life, especially if you are retiring. It will take courage and strength but you deserve to be happier than you are now. Like others have said, sounds like your husband is depressed and needs some help. Good luck and let us know what you decide
He will irritate the hell out of you when you also retire. Run, you have the money!
I think that even if I loved the man you describe snowdrop I'd not want to stay married to him.
Love is so hard to define, but I think with love comes respect and someone who doesn't maintain their personal hygiene has no respect for themselves or the person they're with. Personally, I feel the same about online porn and date sites but that's just my opinion.
Build a new life for yourself, take with you the positive lessons that your relationship has taught you and wish him well.
Bettyboo I hope that you will be able to find a way to leave your unhappy marriage
.
I would not stay if I were as unhappy as you seem to be. I think the way you feel will just get worse, once love is gone it doesn't come back, and you say you have never really loved him. If you stay you will feel more and more trapped, and therefore more unhappy. Whatever you decide is really up to you, only you can make the final decision. I made that decision a long time ago, and never regretted it. My best wishes to you.xx
You are still young. Be brave and go, go, go.
Just a thought about where to live. Contact your local council. We managed to get an apartment in a beautiful brand new complex for people over 55. I don't know what area you live, but, these places are often easier to get. We have garden allotments for all residents, large common room with kitchen we can use for parties, get together of just meet up with other residents for coffee and a chat. We also have a warden who is on hand if you need help with anything.
It would be worth looking into as it would be yours for the rest of your life. Rent is cheap, and you would get to keep all the money that is yours so no need for mortgages, high private rents, and best of all, the chance to meet new friends in a community.
I'm in a wheelchair and love it here. I'm the only disabled person though. The rest are very active and sociable people. I hope you would consider it as it sounds to me like a good choice for a new start for you. Best of luck.
W11girl
Blimey that was bitchy something wrong with your life too 
Your post was very articulate and, in my opinion, not at all grasping, even if you did originally marry for financial security. It seems that things have gone seriously downhill and that you have reached the end of you tether. Would it help to talk to somebody at Relate? My gut feeling is that you should go and start a new life. Good luck.
It sounds like this relationship has run its course. Can't honestly advise you, but if it were me, I'd move on. It sounds a bit like a rebound marriage - my first love was one of two real love matches in my life, but he wasn't free so I married a man I was fond of but didn't love, and it was a total disaster - after 10 years I finslly moved on and married my second soul mate - after 36 years we're still together, still crazy about one another and I have no regrets. Wish you a happier future, but this guy just isn't what you need as a partner - can you stay friends, but get out of the marriage?
Yes, yes, yes! Staying together without love, or even respect, is bad enough, but if he needs care in the future, it will be much worse. I am carer of a husband who admits that 'it's hard to like me', but he can't manage without me, so we're stuck in this situation until one of us dies, and, frankly, the stress of it will probably kill me first! It's hard to be a kind carer of an unpleasant person. It's also quite insulting to be needed only because there's no other option. Go while you can. Sorry - I'm biased!
What a sad situation.
He sounds rather controlling to me. Do you feel safe or are you treading on eggshells? If you did end the marriage is he likely to co-operate with the sale of the house? Or will he turn it into a pigsty and be difficult and argumentative. I also think talking with someone at Relate or Women's Aid would be a good idea. Or your GP could recommend a counselor.
He sounds depressed and the alcohol is making it much worse. It's also likely the sleep apnoea is making him lethargic. However, you've reached the end of the road with this one and it's doubtful he's going to change.
You also need to see a solicitor.
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