What is a marriage?

Life in too short to stay in a marriage like yours, and you are still young enough to make a new start. It seems daunting, but you will be surprised at how everything falls into place once you make the effort. When you are free you never know what is around the corner... it will be a grand adventure! Good luck.

I feel deeply saddened by your post. I don’t think is as black and white and as simple as "shall I run or stay". I feel saddened by the fact you feel so torn.
My darling husband died two years ago and sometimes the loneliness is too much to bear I worked out yesterday that I have not spoken to another person for 10 days. (I am a teacher off for the summer.) Being alone can be ok but it’s not the easy route.
Having said that my first marriage was loveless. My first husband was abusive and violent. I didn’t stay and would always say run. But you say he is generous, easy going not controlling or cruel. So, he’s not all bad and you clearly have some feelings. He is aggressive opinionated and lazy. He sounds like he could be in a rut or depressed?
If you were saying he is nasty I am at my end I would say run but I sense doubt and so I would say really think this though weigh it up explore every option. Have you spoken to him is he aware how you feel? Is he aware that some of his behaviour is not acceptable? Some times people cant see how others see them and need a kick of reality up their backside. Would he see a doctor, a councillor? could you both see a councillor? Is there a way forward is there anything worth saving? could you have a trial separation a bit of space to work out what you both need and want?
If you decided to go make sure you move somewhere you have support, plan it and make sure you come out of it well.
I am sorry If this isn’t as clear cut advise as just run get on with your life have fun, as I know from experience it isn’t as simple or as easy as that.
I wish you well. Take care.

Some people above have painted a very rosy picture of what "a marriage" should be. All marriages are different.

Snowdrop, what is your gut feeling? If you cast yourself adrift might you go back to feeling how you did when your first marriage ended?

Neither of you is young. If husband became very ill not long after you separated would you be there for him? Or vice versa he for you? Who else is in your support network?

Is there any way of living in different parts of the house some of the time?

I think seeing a solicitor will make the possibility of separation seem real and help you decide one way or another.

Caution!

Im 56 and feel the same as you. My 2nd marriage. 6 years in and I'm absolutely fed up. We've slept apart for 2 years. Reading your blog shows me how obvious it is. I need to get out and start again and most certainly you do too. Your son would be supportive i think. This is the difficult bit at the beginning but it seems there are many women (and some men) who are in this predicament. Look ahead in your mind and see how this would be in your future. Well done for being honest with yourself and good luck! x

SNOWDROP.....
1. Maybe go on holiday on your own for a week or a few days ?
That might help you to see more clearly what you want the rest of your life be. At 63 you may indeed have another 20 years or so.

2. Consider how he would cope if you ended up with a disability or debilitating illness. Would he be willing or able to "look after" you....Did you say your wedding vows and promise "in sickness or in health"

3. If you do decide to split up then I think the idea of an assisted living apartment would be a Good Idea for all the reasons quoted by BLOWN UP DOLLY.
IMO it's best to do that while one is relatively young as the help is there for when one gets older.
Just my thoughts you understand.

I was told by a relative in his 70's that his life started to go downhill health wise when he became 70 !
Of course I didn't believe him then.
But I do now.

None of us really plan for our "proper old age" but I think it's a good idea.

Good Luck to you SNOWDROP whichever road you take.

This is a Brilliant Forum for expressing oneself when one feels the need.

I personally have learned a lot from reading various threads.

So Thank You everyone for your often good and empathetic words.

It's good to learn from one another.

Sorry I just have to join the rest who advise you to leave. I wouldn't normally be so prescriptive but the life you have now and the man you describe sounds dreadful. My sister was in a relationship of sorts- they didn't live together- his choice - for 25years. For various reasons in the end at 63 she let go and is now a changed woman. She has lost weight, has a new Boyfriend and will get married to someone she loves and who treats her with respect. Please after 10 years DO NOT relinquish anything to this man. You are equal partners and regardless of what he put into the house- it is half yours. As others have said - find a good solicitor and do not be battered down, you deserve everything that you are entitled to and more importantly you deserve a life now in which you can be happy. Go for it. Much love you have sacrificed yourself esteem for too long.

As an addition to my comments- I have seen many comments here who say have caution- why?- for what reason ?- this man doesn't give snowdrop respect or a loving relationship. Snowdrop, you don't love him either...please please don't stay in case he needs you even more than he does now! - You dont need sheltered housing at 63!!! Buy or rent....be brave you are NOT old, I am 66, I am NOT old I. It may seem a mountain to climb but there is a bigger mountain to climb with a man like this if you stay. xx

Believe me there are many out there in the same situation, its not easy to leave just like that, think it over carefully, but OUT would be the best option, if it is possible.Good luck.

You wouldn't see me for dust...!!!!!! ?

If you need to ask the question there's a problem. Everyone can tell you to leave, but in the end you need to know yourself.

I stayed in a 2nd marriage for far too long and once I left, I kicked myself for staying for so long. I was mentally abused, tolerated alcohol abuse and he cleaned me out financially etc So although different circumstances to yours, I would say, life is far too short to be unhappy, get out ! You owe it to yourself to be happy, to enjoy your life and to not let anyone hold you back or wear you down. My circle of friends have grown, my 3 adult kids have been tremendous support and I am approaching my retirement happy, financially comfortable and with an exciting bucket list to get thro with no one to hold me back or drag me down.no on what's to be lonely these days with singles groups everywhere for meet ups, holidays, part time jobs for retired people etc The world is your oyster, so grab it with both hands, good luck .......

You will be entitled to 50% of the assets, including the house, irrespective of him having invested more into it than you. You may also be entitled to part of his pension if yours is smaller. The only exception to this (without a pre-nup, and whether or not they are upheld in the UK depends on the view of the judge) is where the marriage has been very short (again, it depends upon the view of the judge).

Leave. Leave. Leave. If you feel as young as i do (i am 65) you have time to make a new life. I have been married twice and am glad i am not now. Yes, i have met a widower who comes to stay with me at weekends (i too have a post on here with my own dilemmas) but he has been alone for four years and its an ongoing struggle to get him to shower, shave and brush his teeth hence my dragging my heels in fully moving in with him.
The reason i say leave is that i was 60 when i separated from my husband of 25 years and made a new life. We were celibate for 20 years by his choice and when i had a one night stand he couldn't forgive me. I dated men (younger than me as i didnt feel my age) and they rebuilt my confidence enough to face life again. I can now live life on my terms but still have a companion for holidays, days out, eating out etc which was something i missed on my own.
I wish you all the best whatever you decide.

W11girl your contribution made me re-read the OP. Frankly I think you are out of order with your nasty comment. Says more about you than the OP.
Snowdrop, I wish you a very fulfilling retirement. You need to get out of the relationship ASAP. Good luck.

I haven't read everyone's posts so if this repeats what someone's already said, I apologise. Not caring about your appearance or personal hygiene and sitting around all day are classic signs of depression. For a man who's had a lengthy career in the military and is now at a loose end, this wouldn't be too surprising. If (OP) you're in two minds about what to do, or if you still have some interest in this man's welfare, maybe it would be worth trying to get him along to his GP. I'm not saying you should stay together but maybe he needs help before you finally pull the plug? In your position, I'd definitely be considering leaving.

I would leave as well.No point in staying in a loveless marriage.Life on your own is not so bad,you can do as you want when you want.If you feel lonely get yourself a little dog for company.I have and it was the best thing I ever did. All the best xx

Have you told him how you feel? Could you be happy in a platonic marriage if he cleaned himself up and went out with you occasionally? My advice would be to decide what you want from your life and then make a plan to achieve it, with or without him. My partner & I have lived together 26 years. There have been good & bad times, we have had issues! and our relationship is now almost that of just friends but I couldn't leave him ( despite being financially independent) as I care about him too much. We rub along ok, no passion to speak of but I'm not that interested in that side of the relationship anymore so it doesn't bother me. He's not one for being away from home too much or socializing really (he used to be) so I've built up a social life with girlfriends and go on holidays with them too. We love our families, have a grandchild who we both adore & take occasional walking holidays together in the uk. It's not perfect but it's good enough. It all depends on what you want from your life but only you can know that. Good luck for your future happiness.

Hi Snowdrop - it seems like you lead very separate lives, the difference being that his is rather insular whereas yours is more sociable. You will go crazy when you retire if you allow yourself to be in his orbit 24/7. By your own admission there is no romantic love and no chance of it being rekindled given that you are in different bedrooms. However, at your age there is plenty of opportunity for you to find that romantic love or even just greater affection and shared intimacies that will make you happier and thus healthier, elsewhere. I can see that he was the voice of financial reason when you married but it seems to me that you have repaid him for that support, and my advice would be to plan your escape so that as soon as you are financially able to, you do leave. I wonder what his response would be if you were to have an affair and to let him know. If he's likely to turn a blind eye to it, than I would take that as the last nail in the coffin and get out.

I have a similar situation and have stayed with my husband. It has been a conscious choice as he was and is a good provider and is a companion of sorts.
Finding out he was gay or bi was the death knell for my feelings as I felt betrayed. I don't actually care now what preference he has as, due to his health issues, we haven't been intimate this century!!
I did tell him that although I was fond of him I was not in love with him. I wanted him to have the choice to walk away if he so wished.
He walks his dogs, spends a lot of time sleeping and is little interested in anything else.
I fill my time seeing family, hobbies etc. I accept that he is now my responsibility and try to ensure he well cared for i.e. diet, not overtaxing himself and making him go to the docs with the health issues that arise.
We are housemates now and as long as it works for both of us it will continue.
So my advice - look into yourself and do what is best for you and what you can live with regret free. Good luck and best wishes

OP there can be great comfort in helping someone you have loved who sounds as depressed as your DH. I cared for my exDH after our marriage was ended. If you left and he struggled, or got worse, would you want to help him?

You might to help him now, being ex Services, surely a strong schedule drawn up by you, and organising him into it, might help? All those years of Services daily
structure keep self pity etc at bay?

On the other hand, if you are becoming sure, get legal advice, and move nearer AC and DGC?

I have found better to be happy alone than unhappy together.

Good luck.

Go

Go and enjoy the rest of your life, life is too short to stay like this.

As always I think a chat to a Solicitor is a good idea but you have all these thoughts going round and round in your head isn't about time you sat down and communicated some of this to him. It could be he is depressed in which case something should be done, on the other hand is he much older than you in which case as you mention he may be at a very different place on the aging scale. After a life in the military maybe his idea of heaven is to just walk the dogs and do a few other indoor hobbies, did he maybe spend weeks or months not being able to wash adequately. There is such a lot going on here. Of course if its all so bad you must leave while you have health and strength on your side, I have friends for whom it has worked out well but others have found it a huge struggle. Good luck.

Here she is again. Reported.

I agree with Soniah - it does sound very much like he may have depression - perhaps retirement wasn't what he thought he would be, it does seem to happen to a lot of men unless they have other commitments such as voluntary work that occupy their time. Would he agree to go and see your GP? Is there a volunteer role he might find interesting and which would mean he would have to smarten up and take of himself again? I see that you have several months to wait before you could afford to move out so it might be useful to try to get him interested in something that would give him regular outside contact. Some couples find that splitting the living accommodation into two separate households works well - could be this be something you could do with your home? It would save you having to sell up and find alternative accommodation. Only you know really what you want to do - I hope it works out well for you, whatever happens you cannot continue as you are if it is making you deeply unhappy.