Holidays

I'm not a stepmum but where my own daughter's concerned I never have holiday envy, I love that she and her husband are seeing the world, they're a well travelled generation, I wouldn't dream of judging them for how they spend money. And I think you're getting the conversation about your Lake District holiday out of proportion. I've just had a 'low cost' week in Scotland which turned out to be as expensive as going abroad, but so what? My choice, my money, I don't care if someone asks thinks I spent too much, nor should you.
It sounds like a number of things have built up to make you feel aggrieved Zorro21, but you married someone with 5 children - it was never going to be plain sailing was it? If this SD asks an intrusive question again, don't get annoyed just sidestep it e.g. we got a last minute bargain. I'm with pinkjj27, it's not worth letting it cause a family rift.

Oh dear - how upsetting for you, but some good advice in previous responses.

I must say that I'm shocked at some of the very negative comments about step-mums - but frankly it's what I've always suspected. 15 years ago, I met and then married a widower with three teenage children, all now adults. I love and like them all but I have had some very unpleasant responses from some of their relations. Some people don't acknowledge me at all - e.g. one darling stepdaughter has in-laws who virtually ignore me, despite the fact that I get on extremely well with my stepdaughter and her husband and their young children and we have all been on holiday together, with the in-laws. Don't think I've done anything to upset the in-lawws. I have been very generous financially to all three now adult step children, and am certainly not a gold digger. I think that stereotypes encouraged by many fairy tales don't help at all ... including Snow White and her wicked step mother, Cinderella and equally wicked step mother and step-sisters to name just two!

Can't please everyone, of course, so I'm just developing a thicker skin where some people are concerned. On another another Gransnet thread, a book called 'Toxic Inlaws' was recommended which also helped tremendously. Can you perhaps do the same? ?

Not all step mums are 'baddies' I have never had a cross word from my 3 stepdaughters in the 38 yrs I have been married to their dad. In fact I was really touched last year when their DM died, and my middle stepdaughter said " thank goodness we still have you"

How beautiful, Nanna58!

Thistlerose, you do sound very down on sps, in general, even though you don't say "all." It seems to be from bitter experience though, so (((hugs)))

Zorro, it sounds as if there are a lot of concerns among your sc about money and whether they're being treated fairly. Idk if it's more about the money or the fairness issue. But I agree with those who say you and dh need to discuss wills and get them prepared. Very bad timing for sd to ask on Christmas. But to avoid that, imo, dh needs to tell his ac what his plans are regarding how inheritance will be doled out, etc. Maybe not specific amounts but things like, "I'm leaving everyone an equal amount" or "I'm leaving this one more than that one for this reason."

It's awful that his dds ambushed him that way. Imo, you 2 should have gotten up and left. I think you need to discuss what you'll do in the future if that happens.

Perhaps your sds fear they will be "cheated" in some way - by dh, by your ss, maybe even by you. Their fears may be unfounded, but, imo, dh needs to make this clear to them by spelling things out a little more. They're NOT entitled to this information, but it might calm things down.

I don't see why dh needs to pay the expenses of adult dds and ds. And, imo, he needs to say "no" more often. For example, sd needs to give her kids parties, sleepovers, etc. herself, NOT rely on her dad for this. But idk if there's much you can do about this.

"If DH does die first I will be so tempted to change my will so that the step children get a token amount and my two inherit the bulk."

This is what your sc are afraid of, I'm sure. I get that you wouldn't do it, but they might be afraid you will. That may explain the questions.

It might ease tensions if you and dh change things so you each get to leave some money to your own ac, separately, when you die. Is that workable?

Sorry, you seem to me to be hostile yo your sc, they are probably insecure whatever their ages, they were in his life a long time before you.
Cedes nan, your attitude is so upsetting, enough to make sc quake, how can you even think like that?
I know some lovely step parents, who are so loved by their partners children. I would never marry anyone if their children did not accept me, not to be another mother. She can not be replaced, but their friend and confidant who they can come to anytime, I would explain from the beginning that as much as I love their father, they come as part of the package and a welcome one at that. Some step mothers seem to see it a contest that their own children take first place.
Golden age, it could be the other way round, someone wiping your dribble and backside as you so lovingly put it before you kick the bucket. Look at what you have written.

I am not a stepmother but I am a stepdaughter who got on well with her stepmother, who has sadly passed away now. Why is it okay for you to know how much she is paying for her holiday but not for her to ask about yours? You made her father answer the question? Why couldn't you answer it? As pinkjj27 has said, being a stepmum can be difficult. However so can being a stepchild. You had a choice, she did not.

Inheritance is not an entitlement, why do so many people assume it is?

Can I make it clear to some of the frankly unpleasant posters on here - I did not want to know how much money the stepdaughter spent on her numerous holidays - she said so because she wanted more money to pay for them, from my husband, her husband and her ex husband. I did not want to know the cost - thousands. My small gripe is her deciding that my husband and I's small trip of 2 days in a B & B must have been an extravagant one but it was not. I wish in a way I had not posted on here in the first place.

maddy629 - I did not answer her question, because frankly I was astounded to be asked it. Not as astounded as I was when invited round for a cup of tea to get several daughters all moaning at my husband that they had insufficient money (and yet all having extravagant holidays).

Additionally, I am not their Mother. Whenever the girls want something they consult their father, not me.

I think you've handled a difficult situation well Zorro letting your husband deal with her query.

Our DS often asks us how much things cost and I always reply "oh thousands" even when they didn't.

Zorro I'm sorry you're having all this hassle with your SDs. I think you and DH need to agree what to say so that you put up a united front. Also you need to sort out wills etc. I got on extremely well with my SF but he remarried quite soon after my DM died and then died himself shortly afterwards. I didn't want any money from his will but I would like to have been offered something of my DMs. I really do hope you can get things sorted out and then you and DH can sing from the same hymn sheet.