I'm not sure how much more I can take

Oh Dear! I'm so sorry but Ido understand how energy sapping is absorbing someone else's monolugue. Myself and my husband have just downsized to a village closer to our daughters where we are surrounded by people 10 to 20 years older than us. We are early 60's. They talk non-stop about themselves and have shown very little interest in where we've moved from etc. I think it might be an age thing. Total and complete self-absorption. They are not lonely as are in allsorts of societies and clubs as they inform us frequently. I'm afraid we just avoid them all now as boring and unstimulating to say the least. I do sympathise.

Glenda .You are clearly a good listener and she finds you an attentive audience. Loneliness is usually the reason why a person has to relay every single detail of their lives.
It can be exhausting but apart from discontinuing the friendship its a case of grin and bear it.

Find out the reasons for the change in her behaviour. She may need help.

I have a relative like this and it isn't since she got older, she has always like to hold the floor at any gathering.
She once asked me when it would be convenient to phone, I told her any time except between 7.30 and 8pm as that was when we ate dinner. She now makes a habit of ringing at 7.30 on the dot, sometimes I let it go to answer phone but last week I picked up. I was eating curry and would she excuse me if she could hear the cutlery but she was ecstatic, "I will tell you all my news so you can carry on eating" Fifty seven minutes later she asked how I was and when I started to reply she said "sorry have to go our favourite TV programme is about to start". This is a woman with a DH and an enviable circle of friends so she is not lonely.

There seem to be two lines of problem here: One, the person who moans non-stop about their life, the world and everyone else. They are exhausting. I had a friend like this who I described as a vampire (not to her!) because she drained me of energy and yet would always end by saying, 'I love seeing/talking to you, I always feel better.' She seemed to have an energy re-charge switch from me.

The other thread is the one-topic personal monologue. My late DH became like this when his dementia started. I suspected it was because he could no longer follow a conversation and was afraid that he might be caught out by someone asking him a question relating to what they had said, when he couldn't remember. So he just talked.

Happily, I have never (yet) had the blow by blow account of the every-cup-of-tea type of 'conversation'. I guess there's time.

Yes it did and it got worse and worse. I hadn't the nerve to challenge but I was getting very uptight and anxious, even depressed as we were always together. I realised it had become a toxic relationship/friendship and when I moved home I kept away. This took years for me to accept I had to do this.

Met with an old work colleague recently who nattered on and on about herself and her family. Whenever there was a very slight pause I tried to jump in and add to the conversation but she would just start talking over me. After trying this several times it became a bit of a battle as we both just carried on talking over each other - guess who just gave up and listened?! Note to self be more assertive!

I like to listen to other people talking about themselves. It saves me having to talk about me!

Whilst I really really can understand the original post I have to add that I m very conscious of talking too much when I meet a friend after a while ( not just about me but everything) it is about being alone and building up so much to talk about I am really aware of it and pull myself in and ask them questions to open up the conversation so I m not at all like the original posters friend but I could be if I wasn't aware of my faults ( as she may not be) it's a kind of excitement I suppose and a release from all the hours I talk to myself

My husband's elderly aunt used to be a bit like that...she never married or had children and once she retired she became increasingly lonely .Did some charity work which helped for a bit but then that fizzled out as she did,nt like the shop manageress who she considered to be too bossy and full of herself. It was mainly left to us and another family member to visit her. She used to say .....thank goodness you,re here....I need to let my lard out! It was a local expression used by a lot of lonely people in that area who needed someone to talk to....usually about themselves.

BlueBelle, I do this too. At least I hope this is what I do and I am not getting like the original posters friend !

I'm sure we get worse as we get older. A timely reminder to listen to ourselves perhaps.

It is mentally draining to listen to monologues, especially when they wander into the realms of people you've never heard of and, frankly, couldn't give a damn about.

To get me through I just (as someone else has already said) sort of sit and absorb it and think about the treat ?? I've promised myself when they've gone.

I does make you appreciate peace and quiet and time by yourself.

Glenda, if she was not always like this, and has become so, she might well be showing early signs of a form of dementia involving deterioration of 'executive function'. Don't take it personally, but do encourage her to go to the doc, if you can get a word in edgeways!

I am chuckling reading all these posts!! Yep I too have a friend like this....She never draws breath about all the negative things in her life and how bad everything is .. It actually isn't that bad in the scheme of things...but she sees it as so. Again never asks or is even interested if my mouth opens! I consider it my care in the community session! Hope it does her some good even if it drains me! My life is pretty dandy...far from perfect when one considers others (if they are always to be believed!)..but compared to the dreadful situations others are in in this world I consider myself lucky!
I just make a point of limiting the number and timing of these sessions! I truly believe she is just lonely (despite being married!)....Hopefully it helps her in some small way!! Good old Gransnet...such a great forum!

Guess I've learned to categorise people into 'Radiators' and 'Drains'! Radiators are pretty rare in my experience ....

Me too! Sometimes in phone calls with old friends I realise I've barely paused for breath. I force myself to curtail my scintillating narrative and ask after their health, their DGC and what's happening in their lives. I do care, it's just that I'm so please to be able to talk to them.
Face to face I'm much better at normal give and take conversation but as we get older we meet up less.

That was to Bluebelle and Bamm!

We say broadcasters and receivers Sarac. . I worry I'm turning into a broadcaster having been primarily a receiver until now. I'm usually OK with broadcasters face to face, the phone however is another matter. Recently was on the phone for 1 hour, 10 minutes and 52 seconds (the phone times calls, I dont look at the clock!) and according to Mr C who was fascinated by my silence said four sentences. Two included a greeting and a goodbye. Seriously I do try to be kind but sometimes, just sometimes humour leaves me and I vow never again, but of course I do. It's a funny old world.

Glenda, thinking about your friend has something changed in her life recently? If not might she be unwell in any way? If it's just her evolving maybe suggest an activity, maybe shopping or even the cinema, where there is less opportunity to talk. Hope it settles, it's hard when friends change.

I know so many people who lack two way conversational skills. These people I could never accept as friends. I meet them at various clubs which I have joined in my retirement. True friends will always ask questions and be interested in my life. I try to be a good listener but it can be difficult but I enjoy my activities and am loath to give them up because of these selfish people. I try to avoid them now.

I know one our two people who are like this. Another thing that rattles me is one friend who tells me loads of things in a phone chat the when I see her in Pierson she proceeds to tell me it all again, every detail. I try to say casually ''yes you were saying on the phone'' but she just carries on as if I haven't said it. If someone tells me I've already told them something I stop. Trouble is I'm too good a listener!

(sorry for mistakes thought I'd checked)

Has there been any change (even subtle) in your friend's circumstances? It may be that she has suffered some kind of loss and just feels the need to talk through her life and that she sees you as a good listener. On the other hand I have a relative who just will not stop talking - when she comes over and you say you want to watch a particular TV programme she will talk over it all the way through, we point it out, she apologises and then 2 mins later is at it again! She does however, have OCD and ADD so she forgets very quickly what you said to her three mins before. Your friend may just be ageing.

Has come from a silent environment?

I have a similar friend but seem to have found a way to deal with her. If she goes on too long I say to her " you gave been talking non stop for ten minutes. Now it is my turn to talk and you can listen". The first time I said it she was rather taken aback, but now she is much more aware of her habit and we can have a laugh about it. Good luck!

I'm probably quite a good listener when I think it's necessary and sometimes when I come off the phone realisng I haven't said much feel that it's my good deed for the day. One very dear friend is going through a bad time just now and I am more than happy to let her 'go on and on'. She often says that I must be sick of her problems but I remind her that she lets me have a good moan to her when I need it (which isn't very often I'm glad to say). She always asks about my family and tells me about her troubles with hers, so we do support one another and I don't think either of us feels that we are being used as a sounding board.