Unfaithful hubby

Lizzy67, I am speechless, but admire your sense of humour !

You've said it was years ago. Leave it in the past. And certainly don't leave him a letter to be read after you die. The fact that you're still together surely means you at least care about one another. why give him even more grief, that would be cruel beyond belief.

I've come to this late in the day. So sorry to hear of both your illness and your deep anxiety about your husband's past. I agree that leaving a letter to be opened after isn't the right thing to do - aside from your husband's shock imagine how your children will feel and the strain that would put on their relationship with their father along with their grief. Least said soonest mended really. Someone mentioned counselling - do you have someone outside of your family you could talk to - maybe a health worker? You've not really said how your relationship has been since you found out all those years ago - has this festered all these years and destroyed it or have you managed to move on and all these feelings have just surfaced due to your illness? If you feel brave enough speak to him about how you've felt but you're dealing with your illness right now so you probably don't need the added stress of a confrontation on top. As for the key we've both had keys on our keyrings we can't identify - I wouldn't read anything into that or the words of your mother on your wedding day - she might have said that in jest.

How is he helping to care for you now? Is he being loving and supportive? You've stayed married to him for a long time since then and he will rightly be thinking he's been forgiven. Talk to a counsellor who is going to listen as an impartial observer and help you come to terms with things. I believe you'll be in a better place then to a) know whether you really need to have this discussion with your DH after all these years and b) how to approach it with him. A letter after death is not going to solve anything for you, and you're the one who needs to feel better and at peace.

My ex had several affairs I only discovered after the last one with my friend and with whom he left. I've found it hard to forgive and wasted several years now grieving for the loss of the man I thought he was. I know how rejection feels believe me, but if he''s been faithful and loving for most of your marriage is this really the time to confront him? Sit and make a list of all the good things he's done for you and ask yourself whether it's really worth destroying that for past hurts. Please seek professional help to deal with your emotions before opening up about your hurt feelings to him at this time.

It's hard I know, but you need peace of mind and there's more than one way to achieve that.

If I read this correctly, it was one affair many years ago. You got past it then, but are now brooding on it.
Firstly, nobody's perfect. For all you know he has regretted causing you pain then, and has no idea you are still fixated on it. Secondly, you are ill. You need more than just cancer treatment, you need treatment for depression too. See your doctor, and tell him. This state of mind won't help you with all other things you have to deal with.

FarawayGran, I'm so sorry about your cancer and, also, your concerns about dh. I agree with those who feel the cancer is causing you to dwell on the past more than ever - what dh might have done, what your mother said, etc.

I'm a little confused, though, about whether it was just one affair or if you think he has cheated again since then. Was this one foolish mistake years ago or do you feel he's an unfaithful man, period?

Like yourself, I don't see what good talking to him will do if he's just going to deny everything. Maybe it would be good to get your feelings out there. But I sense you want an apology, and I don't believe your going to get one, let alone an admission of guilt.

So I'm joining those who say to discuss this with a counselor. Get some help sorting out your feelings. Then you can decide how to go forward.

Drummerman, so sorry for all you've been through. TG, you have a loving family.

Crazy, do your ac resent you for not forgiving their dad or for having taken your hurt and anger out on them? My guess is the latter. Have you ever apologized?

As a counsellor, I would say that this is something you need to deal with, upfront. Talking about it could heal the pain. Leaving a letter which will hurt him after you have gone doesn't feel good. Maybe he regrets it too, so give him (and yourself) the chance to repair. If there is an afterlife, you may have indefinite time to regret your actions.

Please have this out with him now ,and try to talk it out . Don't tell him how you feel in a letter to read after you die . My mum told me she didn't like me just before she died , and years later its still in my head and I have nightmares

Oh, elfies, what a terrible way for your mum to go out! What a horrible last memory! Was she an abusive person in general? If so, then this was just her final act of abuse. If not, then it was probably just the illness talking or, perhaps, whatever medication they had her on.

Either way, it doesn't really mean anything. It says something about her and nothing about you. If it's causing you nightmares though, some counselling may be in order to help you exorcise yourself of this cruel demon. xx