Parent of AC facing prison

Abbeygran, no practical advice here, and I'm not even sure which camp I'd fall into when it comes to supporting a child no matter what they'd done. But I do have friends in your position, and support them unconditionally, as we on Gransnet will support you.

Abbeygran there is hope because your son obviously knows what he’s done and has admitted to it and is expecting to take the punishment ....to me that speaks volumes he is not trying to pass the blame to someone else he’s not making excuses and that must give hope that he’s not a bad persons just a person who has done a bad thing
I m not religious but doesn’t the bible teach about loving sinners
Your son is still your own boy if it was my son I would be mortified, ashamed, hate what he’d done, but it wouldn’t make me stop loving him with all my heart
I think you are very brave to come on here and speak as you have I hope totally that you find a way of dealing with this that will give you some peace of mind

This is a dreadful thing that has happened; such a huge shock will naturally take time for you to come to terms with it so don't try to make sense of it at present; just live day to day. All you can do at the moment is try to create a centre of stability for your grandchildren, and your daughter in law if this is applicable.
Contact your friends by text or email, thanking them for their support and saying truthfully that you are quite unable to talk to people at present. At least the news is out so you don't have to tell people, and you will be surprised by how kind most people are.
A similar thing happened to a friend recently, involving her son-in-law, of whom she was very fond. The police were kind and offered practical help, social services less so. The family went to ground initially, but later she bravely visited friends to explain personally what had happened, thus diffusing unpleasant speculation,as the court case was not publicised. She was completely truthful at all times, not excusing his behaviour, but supporting him as far as she was able, and played a huge part in helping with the grandchildren. Two years later the family is emerging into a different, but more settled life. The son-in law is back in work following his prison sentence.
Also, have you seen your doctor? They can offer short term practical medication and contacts for support; you need to look after your health.

Thinking of you Abbeygran. Try and travel hopefully. Things will get better. xx

Abbeygran Sorry to hear this very stressful situation but stuff like this happens in many families. You are not by any means the only person with family members who have got themselves into trouble.

We really cannot be responsible for our adult childen. I do hope you find support as suggested above.

Abbeygran, sorry you are in this awful situation. Agree with majority of posters, know there is one thing for me that I couldn't handle, but the saying "hate the sin, but love the sinner " holds true. I hope you contact that organisation mentioned for support, because they will know just what you are experiencing. Remember, everything passes, you will come through this. Look after yourself as well as him.

Thank you to each and every one of you. I am struggling but to come here and read your kind words and your support do make a difference. Love to you all ❤️

I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in and hope you can find a solution.
I would always support the family but I am not sure I could support a serious offender.

I have not experienced this myself, but have worked with families in this situation, and supported a family member as well. Here is my 'take it or leave it' advice:

Don't think too much about the emotional side yet - concentrate on practical support for GCs (and DiL?)

Find someone - a very good friend, a support organisation - to talk to when you really need to.

Be as truthful as you can ( as a previous poster said) to friends / neighbours etc. A useful phrase is 'I don't know what I think / feel now. I know I have to be helpful to GCs / DiL'

Be truthful to GCs as far as is practical - Victim Support can be helpful, and so can school (you don't say their ages) who will have dealt with this before. A useful phrase, that kids are used to is 'making bad choices': we are very sad that daddy made some very bad choices, and we must all support each other now.

You can be strong for GCs whilst letting them know you are upset.

You don't say what he has done. You will worry that it is your fault, and as I don't know you, I can't say what you might or might not have done! BUT I will only say that I have known adults, from good supportive homes, who for many reasons made 'bad choices'.

I do hope that helps

Nanarose thank you for your reply, I particularly like this paragraph :

Be truthful to GCs as far as is practical - Victim Support can be helpful, and so can school (you don't say their ages) who will have dealt with this before. A useful phrase, that kids are used to is 'making bad choices': we are very sad that daddy made some very bad choices, and we must all support each other now.

Absolutely agree that the family - innocent bystanders - deserve all possible support.
However if I'd been the mother of Brady or Hindley I'd be just as disgusted as any member of the family of the victims.
As I said, it depends on the nature of the offence.
Equally if a member of my family committed a crime and I knew about it, I'd have few qualms about reporting them to the police. There's a difference between giving unconditional support and condoning wrongdoing.

I think if its a one off and he knows he shouldn't have done it ,then he should have your support.We all make mistakes ,his just is worse than some and of course he's been caught when many aren't.Dont be ashamed of him ,he's still your son.Everyone of us is flawed thats why we shouldn't judge others

Reading the posts I was thinking along the same lines as Nanarose. When our children have a behavioural problem wen often blame ourselves but we should not. I had a problem childhood but have not repeated my parents' behaviour because I have had better experiences since leaving home. In the same way, a good childhood can be abandoned because the 'child' mixes in bad company. He is an adult and has made choices as an adult, it is not your fault.

Something not so far said is that I think it must feel like a bereavement. The AC you know and love seems to have been lost and left behind someone you do not recognise. He may or may not be truly penitent. He may only have admitted his crime because he was caught committing it. That doesn't matter, we cannot change what is past but you can show him the unconditional love you showed him when he was born.

I think it is easy for those whose children have grown up without any problems to say they would not support a criminal child but those of us with a wider experience will see it differently. One of my DiLs was very intolerant of a mother who supported a drug using son but now that she is a mother she says she would support her sons no matter what.

I wish you strength to cope with it all. If any of your friends are unsympathetic or make tactless comments, drop them. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you didn't commit the crime. I have had one very insensitive comment since my son died and want no more to do with them. They had a chance to apologise and didn't take it.

Thank you for taking the trouble to say that. I hope you can feel the support here, and find it useful.
If you can, I would take some solace in the fact that he has admitted guilt - it may not feel like it now, but this will make it easier on everyone, and must have taken some courage.

My heart goes out to you Abbeygran. I have been in that situation and could not and would not turn my back on my AC.

Of course a mum wouldn't turn her back. You will love him forever. Do take care.

libralady so sorry to hear you too have experienced the same - how is your AC now, and how have you coped - if you don't mind me asking?

The experience broke my heart. My son served his time, took several exams that would be useful to him when he was released and was back in full-time employment after 3 weeks of being released. The experience changed him but he got on with it and has been in work ever since. He had to report to his Probation Officer for a while but eventually became a mentor for other young offenders and was commended by a Judge. He took his punishment like a man and he turned his life around and has stayed out of trouble since. It changed him - and me. Having studied all the statements which varied greatly, the legals should have done a more thorough job in their investigations. It would have taken time (I spent about 39 hours sifting through the statements and cross-referencing them but it should have been done by his legal team.) I think the outcome would have been different. Water under the bridge now but it made me feel very troubled. Abbeygran, we have to cope - horrendous at the time but we both got through it - as you will too. Good luck and keep strong.

[Libralady] thank you for replying. You are so right, we just have to cope, there is no alternative. We're still waiting for the investigation to conclude, and find out what happens next. Tough times indeed, but I'm taking it a day at a time. My love and best wishes to you.

Thank you Abbeygran. I think we here on GN are glad to be part of your support network. Do take time to care for yourself so that you have the strength to help the family.

Nannarose, please do not speak for other Gransnetters.

harrigran

Yes, you are quite right.
I personally hope that Abbeygran can gain some comfort from some of the replies here.

It is surely the OP and her family we are supporting, in the very fraught situation she finds herself, none of it presumably of her making.

I can only repeat what so many Grans have already said - keep on showing your son that you love and support him.
Whatever he's done, however bad, he has owned up. and that's the first step to turning over a new leaf and trying to lead a better life.
He needs your love even more now.
God knows we've all done bad things, mostly never found out, then tried to correct them. (Or forget them)