Husbands

He doesn’t sound pleaaant but I am baffled why you are in a huge amount of debt.

He pays the main bills and yet you’re putting shopping on yoir credit card bills.

As for buying new things for the house, it would seem that he has everything but you didn’t like the fact it was things he had had with his ex, so you went out and bought new things.

I do feel for you when you move in with someone to me you become a partnership and you share everything that's the idea your man is definitely abusing you financially and keeping you right under his thumb look at spare room . Com better to share a house than be committed into renting a place in your own or place a free ad on there and see what happens tell him nothing I think he will try to talk you around with false promises as men do I'm always here if you want to chat or private message Good Luck ?

I’m sure this is a legacy of his first marriage. He could cope before u married because legally he was not responsiblyefpr your debts. He needs to see you are able to pay off ur debts responsibly. Try a debt charity like STEPS . TO SHOW HIM YOU MEAN TO BE DEBT FREE. THEN WRITE DOWN FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS EVERY THING YOU SPEND AND REPAY. let him study this and tell him that u I no way are going to land him in the same mess as last time. Tell him that if he cannot accept this u will have to leave, give him a month to get his head round it, then do what u feel u need to do , stay or go. Meanwhile, research your options.

I am sorry for your situation. I can’t add anything to the great advice already given but do some research into reducing your debt. You don’t have to struggle for 3 years to pay it off as there are IVAs which are less drastic than bankruptcy but be careful as there are people who will rip you off causing more heartache. Go to Citizens Advice Bureau and ask for information on IVAs and reputable companies who can help with this. moneysavingexpert.com also has a great forum section on debt and there will be information on IVAs from people who are going through the procedure.

I feel sorry for the situation you find yourself in, it can,t be easy for you at all. I am starting at the point were you say because you live in a council house your husband refuses to do any redecorating because it is a waste of money. I see the place where someone lives as a home regardless of whether you own or rent it. Also he he dabbles on the stock market and is good at saving money! To me he sounds very mean and penny pinching. Yes he may have had problems with debt from his ex...however I wonder if he actually contributed to this with his meanness and she thereby had to pay for things on credit like the shopping as you are now doing. There has been some good advice above. As someone else suggested try and see if it's possible to get a small sheltered housing flat with the original HA. Once you are 55 you qualify to apply. Is there a way if that is,nt possible that you you can apply for one in another area maybe closer to one or other of your children. Could you perhaps have two smaller part time jobs as opposed to one full time one, giving you an opportunity to escape from the work you do now. Also see your GP as if you are feeling down like this a course of anti-depressants could help you cope better. The CAB can help you to sort out your debt problems...try and book an appointment soon so that you will feel more in control of it. Refuse to pay for household shopping yourself....your husband earns three times more than you...has no mortgage to pay....saves up his money ... dabbles the stock market....he is rubbing your nose in it and sounds worse than the original Scrooge. Some people put money above everything else and he sounds like one of them. Take your courage in your hands ..... and be determined to get somewhere else to live and work. I hope things will soon improve for you.

So sorry to read your story, I know how it feels to be in such an unhappy situation where you feel trapped, but you have had some good advice and I believe you have the strength to find your way out of it. However hard that might seem, focus on the long term goal of achieving the happiness you deserve. There’s always a way.

In a way you are living a single existence anyway, this man isn’t making you happy. You don’t have to rush into anything, but once you make your decision to leave this selfish man, and start making plans you’ll feel positive about your future.

What is it that you love about this man? I suggest that you learn to love yourself. Look after yourself, he is not going to. Plan your escape and don't look back. Good luck! x

I feel your pain.
I'm in a similar situation, except I have two teenage boys, one on the spectrum who finds coping difficult, let alone change.
It's a difficult one - but all advice from previous Gransnetters sounds like it's the way forward for you!

I cried when I read this it sounds like my first marriage. I would normally be the first to advocate trying to work it out but I feel this situation is at best out of hand and at worst abuse. You clealy have mental heath issues and are suffering from anxiety and you are clearly depressed with low self-esteem and no confidence . First Please stop beating your self up you say in one reply you feel stupid for getting into this mess. You actually didn't get into this mess alone you are buying food on your credit card food i assume he eat? . All you have done is trust a man so stop giving your self a hard time. Have you spoken to your Doctor about your situation He or she can help in more than just your help they can help you access agencies of support ? I also think you need to get advice about your work situation they may tell you there will be no redundancies but this may not be lawful. I personally would not want to go into shared accommodation as an older lady but I would speak to women's aid. Also speak to the council these days they have a duty of care toward women in your situation. Bankruptcy and IVA are nor things to go into lightly without advice and support. If you do leave and need to start again Bankruptcy or IVA will restrict you greatly and could be hinder to you if you need to find a landlord or buy anything. Only you know if your marriage is worth saving if you think it is suggest counselling ( my mum was a penny pincher due to being brought up during rationing) But first I think you need to get yourself on track to feel stronger to cope. Seek advice understand your options and start loving your self you deserve better . Good luck

Vampirequeen has told you exactly what you must do. Certainly don't wait for 3 years until you are debt free because you won't be and you will be an emotional wreck by then. Go to the council and talk to them about housing and find out what your rights are, look for a flat in the area or a house share and make tomorrow the first day of the rest of your life. Get out and never look back.

I agree with Vampire Queen,make yourself a plan won't be easy BUT you'd at least have your own life

I did quite a bit of insolvency work before I retired and IVAs are rarely a good idea unless you have a property or business to try to save.
You need to put forward a proposal and get 75% of creditors by value to agree and personal creditors may be disallowed unless you have very good evidence of any debts. The proposal needs to be in a particular form and approved by the Court. The Inland Revenue and VAT office rarely agree to them.
It is usually better to try to arrange things outside of an IVA to save the costs involved although it does bind your creditors.
It does seem strange that you are still running up a credit card debt just to buy food (although I have been hard up enough in the past to have to do that so I do understand)and you do need someone objective to look at your debt situation.
I do have some sympathy with your husband not wanting a joint account at this stage and some posters have made some good points looking at things from his point of view.
I think you are at the 'gathering information' stage.

There are some great bits of advice here and you should certainly seek financial advice regarding your debts and also employment as it seems your company are also riding rough roughshod over your position and trying to push you in a direction you don't want to go. It's clear that you are not in a strong place right now, physically or emotionally and in the first instance you need someone to help you mediate with your husband. I don't know where you start with getting help to do that but possibly one of your children might help or your GP? You have been very candid in writing how you feel here and perhaps you might feel empowered to write something similar to your husband if you feel you can't physically sit down and tell him how you are feeling. If he truly cares he will read your words and then perhaps you can both work out what's the best thing to do going forward. It might be that he is scared that he's got himself in the same situation that he had with his previous marriage and doesnt feel he should be the one to bale you out of your financial issues like he had to before. However it is his responsibility as the main earner to provide financial support. It seems he is expecting you to provide provisions and certain things within the home that clearly are over and above your earnings. Perhaps you could come to an arrangement where he pays so much a month into your account for housekeeping, I know it sounds rather victorian but at least it might help. He could also offer pay off your debts and make part of the amount an interest free loan which you could agree to pay him back once everything else has been sorted out. He needs to be made aware that the current situation is making you ill and unless he helps you sort things out it will only get worse. I hope that you can reconsile your situation both at home and work. You are only 56yrs old there is a lot of life to be lived yet so don't give up, get help; Online free advice from Citizens Advice and other organisations maybe able to give you the confidence you need to start putting yourself first. Good luck lady!

Frankly in this situation I would be depressed.
Do you have your own bank account? Is your salary paid in to that? Frankly, I think you are being taken advantage of.
Do take some advice.
With regards to work, I would quietly carry on doing your job as well as possible and not rush to resign.
You are worth it.

Only you know if you want to fight to stay with this relationship or if it would be better to walk away even if that meant getting a full time job so you could pay rent for a place for yourself. Is he paying his ex wife anything - child support or similar? Perhaps that is why he says he has no spare money? As you are unhappy with your job I think you should try to find another one that you enjoy, whether it is full or part time, being miserable at work as well as home is not going to help. I'd look into sorting out your debts as well so that you pay back at a reasonable level you can afford - the Citizen's Advice Bureau has debt counselling services. At the very least you need to talk to your husband about having a joint household account for money for shopping/bills etc - then he can keep his own account and I suggest you keep your own one as well.

Woman's Aid can get you in the back door and help you get rehoused through the council. I know cos I have been there. You are being financially and emotionally abused. There is a way out so please take it. You deserve better than this

Violette....slightly off subject, but noted your concerns about returning to UK to live after being out of the country for 16 years and therefore no benefits.

We lived in Africa for 32 years and despite paying into the UK state pension fund from there, for many years and under the impression we would be entitled to the full UK pension on our return to live here after our retirement, this was not the case as apparently we had not paid in enough years!

However, this worked to our benefit as the government automatically made up the pension shortage to that of what they said we should be getting which in turn opened the door to many other benefits.

My husband at that time was 70. I was further advised that because of his age, he was eligible for housing. This didnt happen overnight but within 3 months we were offered three different types of accommodation and ended up in a one bedroomed flat overlooking fields.

However, 3 yrs later hubby fell seriously ill and again advised to apply for a bungalow as the flat was on the second floor and he was finding it difficult to climb.

For the past 17 yrs we have lived in a lovely 2 bedroomed bungalow, admittedly 3 miles out of town, but luckily I still drive and there is a bus route into two towns.

We came back to UK with nothing - and gradually built ourselves up to the safe financial position we are in but I was only 57 way back then and am now 77. So Violette, bear this in mind and dont leave it for too long as believe you me, old age doesnt come alone and I'm not the woman I was then.

I do not know if there has been any major changes to the offers we had way back in the 90's but maybe some of my experiences will give you an idea as to whom to approach. You wont be left on the streets ......

Contact Age Concern here, they can offer such solid advice.

Good luck.......and VQ - your advice is spot on ......{moon)

I thought Vampirequeen’s post made a lot of sense and she was speaking from experience. There is a lot on here to mull over and I hope you are able to make the right decision for yourself very soon.

Dear gransnet supporters .
I have valued all replies to my post and your comments have made me stronger.
I shall sign my new work contract and keep my job under these terms and still have my income coming in.
I was not in debt when I remarried. I became in debt when my OH kept telling me he had no money and I sadly ended up suffering from ptsd after a year of events when my father died, I was in 2 car crashes. Not my fault I can reveal as I dont drive, as a passenger. I changed jobs which didnt work out but luckily got my old job back. Then along came the menopause when I suffered bad depression and anxiety and my doctors were not very helpful. I also had a bad manager at work who suggested I should be on anti depression drugs. I fought back, with the help of my friends and duaghter.
I shall weigh up my options. Take a job if one comes along that offers more hours/salary and I shall stand on my own two feet once again as I always have.
I became in debt again after using my credit cards to make me feel better when I was depressed and to make sure we had stuff. I did not overly wish to go out of.my way to be in debt. My hours were cut in my current job but I still have to pay out to commute. I did not have the confidence when I was depressed to look for other jobs
I had very low self esteem and because of the way my husband reacted to me thought he didnt love me. So again to make me feel nice I bought myself new clothes and makeup. I am still several thousand pound in debt. I dont use my credit cards and I am paying my debts off already with a payment plan.
I did not go out of my way to get into debt. I have always wanted to work as a partnership with my OH.
His first wife never worked and I always have. She got into 30,000 worth of debt which he had 3 jobs to pay back. I am not his first wife and I never asked my OH for anything. I always help myself. Its only now with my job changing and me having to commute more I have asked for his help, but hes not being supportive. He just says pay off your debts and do what you like. I still pay my way with household bills. I dont live off my husband but maybe would be better off by myself.

Perhaps you should try first of all to get another job, which you will enjoy more than your present one. You don't mention how many more years you intend to work for, but it is really important to be happy in your work.

While looking for a new job, please do get advice and help regarding your own financial situation. If you find your bank unhelpful, try the citizens' advice bureau; ask them to put you in touch with someone accustomed to helping people get out of debt by contacting your creditors for you and getting reasonable terms for paying off your debts.

Probably when you feel you are making headway both with getting a new job, and please, do take the next one offered irrespective of what your husband thinks about it, as long as you are happy with the prospect, and are beginning to see your way out of debt, the relief will be so great that you can decide, whether you are going to attempt to save your marriage by you both going to counselling, or would rather leave your husband.

I do hope you find a way out of what is clearly an intolerable situation.

Sorry, I posted before seeing your answer, so you have already done what I suggested. I am so glad. Hope it all works out well

I just wanted to add my voice to those who advise you to leave Goldiell. You can have a fulfilling future! Please make use of the support available, particularly in relation to your financial circumstances. Good luck!

My 1st husband was the meanest man that ever walked and still is, so there were many battles over the years. Even his own mum called him Shylock ! My 2nd husband was the opposite, wealthy, but spent every penny we had and more besides. So I am an expert on financial affairs ! I found my strength after divorcing no2 for mental cruelty, and I have never looked back. I worked hard and had a few lucky breaks and now I am flying ! It’s hard to pick yourself up but believe me this man will drag you down if you stay. Where is the love, care and respect that everyone should be able to expect from a partner ? An old wise friend said to me, if a man does not enhance your life, what is the point of him being there, and it’s so true. Yes it will be tough, but do it for you, your happiness is all that matters. My friend contacted a debt consolidation service when she left her ex and they helped her so much. Please let us know how you get on ?

I feel very sad that you find yourself in this situation. Does he know that you are seriously considering leaving him? If not, you need to make it clear that is the case and that you will only stay if things change. Also be aware that if you divorce, you are entitled to half the assets in the marriage, including any savings, car/s etc, and pensions. It may be that he challenging that due to it being a short marriage, but he probably won’t win that argument since there is nothing to suggest that you married him to get at any money. There are only two grounds for divorce (unless you agree to a ‘no fault’ divorce after 2-years separation if you both agree, 5-years if you don’t), adultary & unreasonable behaviour. You would be divorcing him of the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Once/if you make the decision to leave, I don’t think you need to be fearful about him knowing where you are etc. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour and although he is controlling and withholding, if he has shown no signs of physical aggression yet, I wouldn’t evisage it in the future. Good luck!

I imagine your husband probably feels a bit let down. His ex wife ran up debts and here you are , doing exactly the same. Naturally he doesn't want a joint account, why would he? He doesn't want to see his balance or his credit rating drop does he? As far as he's concerned you're a nightmare with your own money, he doesn't want your claws on his. Did he pay off her debts? If he did he certainly won't want to do it again. He doesn't want to spend out on the house, even though he earns three times as much as you. Of course he doesn't. Out of his salary he pays all the main bills, he's told you he can't afford to keep you as well. He probably can't, and feels he needs to keep something in reserve against the time you either chuck your job in or go off the financial rails again. At the same time he's concerned that if you took a full time job you might get ill again so he's not pressurising you to earn more money, just to be sensible and service your debts. He helps with the housework a bit. Good on him. He is in full time employment and you are only part time, so why shouldn't you do the lion's share? Basically, you've got to knuckle down and start paying off those debts and show you mean it. My guess is that once he sees you are serious and are doing it with a good grace the atmosphere will lighten. Can't see him ever agreeing to a joint account though.