Mother in Law

I have the exact same problem but it is my poor husband who has always been greatly disliked by my mother. She has controlled me emotionally my whole life and has always viewed him as a threat. Despite our 35 years of marriage, she has been a nightmare throughout. She lives the other side of the world now (thankfully!) but has been viciously unpleasant to him. He has been wonderful, letting me go to her regularly, she is now in a care home and although I love her, it will be a relief when it ends (she is 95 too). How she finds the energy to hate at her age I fail to understand.

I have 2 mothers in law and neither of them liked me either
The first one said when i divorced my husband for cruelty and mental cruely,said i had left him to have a good time,
Well yes, a better time than i had with him,
The second time,my mother in law who only had 1 son, kept telling me to look after him, not a word about looking after each other,
Also when i had twins to him, she said she would never recognise them as her grandchildren, as she was very close to his children from his fiorst marriage
She kept true to her word too, she had a wealthy brother who lived in Australia, and when he died the first lot of grandchildren were left a lot of money, she nor their father had told the uncle she had 2 more grandchildren, and when she died mine got nothing
Iwouldnt care but he was as bad to her as he was to me,
I divorced him foe unreasonable behaviour
My twins dont bother with him, as he would say he would see them and not turn up,and he has never paid a penny towards them, in those days there was no CSA

Bullying people who try to control the family with nastiness are far from unusual, sadly . Horrible for you - and what a lot of wasted years. After twenty years plus of a nightmare MiL (and I acknowledge I am far from perfect and must have annoyed her - but never deliberately) I decided to cut all ties and keep away from her. It wasn't easy but at least the sniping, spiteful personal remarks, unkindness to my parents, constant criticism of me, the children, and quite often my DH etc. were never in my sight or hearing. What makes some people like this? I resolved that whoever my children chose I would love them, and never make life hard for them. In that way I suppose she did lose out badly - large chunks of family life didn't include her and she never did see her great grandchildren.

gilly, what a very silly woman your mom has been, she could have had another "son" instead, because of jelousy, she decided to hate. You are the better person, despite everything she has done, you never turned your back. You deserve the wonderful husband you have, he obviously thinks that about you.

My MiL was just the same.. miserable sod as my hubby is now! She was always criticising the way I brought up my kids, especially my daughter who was frequently in hospital with asthma!! My fault apparently! When I explained my son was brought up exactly the same way and hasn't had a days illness since he was 13 (now 36 ) she didn't say a word. But she did keep 'jabbing' at me throughout the whole of our relationship. My hubby ALWAYS came down on her side. Because of that I have absolutely no respect left for him now. He doesn't seem to mind. His whole family are insulated by the knowledge that how they behave is correct and the majority of civilised people are all wrongheaded.Its a difficult , nay impossible reality to live with.So.... what to do.... cut them out of your life ( it's much too short) and tell them why. You must always give as good as you get...I didn't always do that... and for that reason I disrespect myself as well!! But i found my gumption at 62 !?!? And all the rest of them can ...as my mum used to say...."go to hell in a handcart". Stay away from poisonous people , they'll make you poisonous as well if you let them.

Every family has its own internal culture and when there is a fundemental culture clash it is often irredeemable. Romantic love allows us to by pass that for ourselves but the rest of the family aren't always as easily removed from what works for them. Just allow your OH to sort his/her family it is a hiden code which is hard to understand but it is part of them.

Well she's 95 years old , what can you do have a knock down argument ? It's not going to go on much longer just let your husband enjoy having his mother while he can.

My MiL was just the same, always criticising our children and moaning if things didn't always go her way. Fortunately my husband stood up to her at times but that always made me feel bad as I hate bad feeling. Most of the rows we have had over 50 years of marriage have been about her. We lived abroad so she used to come and stay for weeks at a time and I was on my best behaviour the whole time. She lived to be 103 and was never happy.

Hi, I have every sympathy for you as this woman sounds exactly like my own mother.
My mother has narcissistic personality disorder.
There are some interesting articles and help in how to deal with such people.
Now I understand why my mother is so vile I no longer try and please her as I now know a narcissistic will never be pleased.

I feel so sorry for you ... 44 years is a long time to put up with this. However, as others have said, she is 95 and time is running out. If you insist on your hubby pulling away, when she dies he will feel guilty that he has. Hold on in there - let him see her as and when he likes, it won’t be for long and he will appreciate your support now and after and find his grief easier to cope with.
Moan on here and to friends and do things you like to do when he goes to see her..... keep your pecker up, you’re the better person. Lots of love ?

I was going to ask same question as Baggs, is your husband wanting you to help him out with all this and he’s finding it frustrating when you don’t.

I agree with all the comments here that things are unlikely to change now given MIL is 95 and you have been married for 44 years. As Butterflykisses advises, just hang on in there as time will resolve matters in the near future. I don't think I could change my ways or engage in a difficult debate when I'm 95 so I doing my very best with my own DIL at the moment! It is not easy when the family live so far away and she is such a strong character but we just have to do the best we can.

For goodness sake, you’re talking about a woman who’s 95........ I’m with Paddyann, she’s not going to be around for much longer so support your husband as it sounds as if he too has had enough and is stressed hence the aggression towards you.

I assume that you paddyann and you Gemmag have very difficult and spiteful mothers-in-law? If you have and you never get exasperated or feel that you're at the end of your tether, then you must be made of sterner stuff than the average person.

It appears that annemarie has had 44 years of a demanding and selfish mother-in-law and, in my view, it is quite understandable that she is venting her frustration on here.

I agree that as the elderly lady concerned is 95 it wouldn't be kind to create, or worth creating, a fuss about her behaviour now. Neither the husband nor his mother are likely to change after all these years of him dancing attendance - trying to tackle it now will only cause more upset.

annamariel
I am sure you are not alone in this situation but that doesn't help you. My dh was put on a pedestal. My mil went out of her way to cause disharmony between myself and my own mother .Not that difficult as it took until she was in her late eighties for me to do anything right for my own mother and that was only when she had no one else to turn to.I am sorry your dh appears to be under her thumb and this is why he is behaving as he is. Torn between you and his mother. Please don't let her destroy you and your marriage You need professional help in this and I am not the one to advise. Can you visit mil's doctor as he /she is the best one, in view of this' matriarchs' age, to assist you. Don't give up.

She isn’t going to be around much longer if she is 94.
She won’t change, so allow your DH to see her and do whatever is needed, he must feel pulled too many ways.
I realise it must be awful for you, but it won’t go on for ever.

44 years. Its gone on long enough.
Follow the example of your daughters.
Tell your husband you have had enough of her nastiness and his aggression.
My problem was with FIL, but his sniping was always behind my back, he spoke to me when he absolutely had too.
When I drove DW to visit her parents I received the obligatory lecture from DW to be nice to FIL.
We would be sat in the lounge. Me,DW,SIL,MIL and FIL.
In no time at all DW, MIL, and SIS would retreat to sit in the kitchen as the atmosphere was so chilly.
FIL followed them soon after, leaving me alone to enjoy the peace and quiet, read the paper and watch the tv.
He made it plain from day one that he didn't like me, so after a few visits the feelings became mutual.
But there is a bright side to my then predicament, he kicked the bucket about 10 years ago.

I feel for everyone here who is going through this sort of thing or has gone through it in the past. But I think that failure to speak up assertively is part of the problem. Annemarie, again, Idk what you mean when you say dh "gets aggressive." But please don't just "let it go." You need to let him know he can't take his frustrations out on you. He can vent and you'll listen, but no nastiness towards you or anything like that.

My MIL was very similar. And with her other son's wive(s). She LOVED them as GFs - couldn't get them married soon enough and as soon as married - they could not do a thing right. - Our marriage survived through cussedness and distance but other son married 3 times and now on his own. SO I conclude - its really not anything about YOU - it is because you are married to her wonderful son. Keep well away and never rise to the bait.

Never had a MIL, she died when hubby was 10. My mum although she wasn't keen on hubby said its my choice, my life. She and my dad always treated him the same as me and my brother. I just hope I, in old age, am the same.

The part of your message that struck me was "your husband is being aggressive towards you".

I accept that you put it down to his being frustrated at "His Mother" - yet he is taking that frustration out on "His Wife".

I am not you - you are not me, but ...

I would want to clearly establish if his aggressiveness (abuse - my take on repeated aggressive actions) towards you was as you surmise - transferred frustration from his mother to you. Or if it really is aimed at you. Either way good for you for wanting to address his behaviour.

Once your clear about the what's behind his aggression how you take care of yourself is your choice.

However, and it's a big "however" you do not deserve to be anyone's sh*t bucket.

I accept that we all have times when we need to express our frustration/anger to another person but that's a whole lot different to aiming those emotions at a person who's actions are not responsible for what prompts those emotions with-in us.

I may be wrong but it seems to me that MIL and now H seem to think that your kind and decent nature is "permission" to behave very badly towards you.

I'm so sorry, like so may of us, you find yourself in this situation and I respect you for all the years you have managed these difficulties. I'm also very pleased that you value yourself enough to reach out here for support and hopefully some help.

Take Care of yourself and keep yourself safe (emotional and psychological safety is often undervalued) You are worth being safe.

You've had too many years of bad treatment in my opinion - I know it's only my opinion but it's expressed in what I hope is seen as support and good wishes

I can totally empathise with this situation. My MIL was utterly nasty and horrible to me , and it got worse once I married her son. It was so bad, I started having panic attacks and needed medication for a while.

I didn't have to cut her out of my life, she cut me out of hers. I was not invited to any party or occasion she held, she spread malicious, untrue gossip about me to the family and her friends and I became an outcast.

My DH didn't speak to her for a year, but he eventually got back on terms with her. I didn't. I spent 18 years of hell, arguments with DH over her and I just felt terribly upset most of the time. It didn't matter what DH said to her, she wasn't interested. I did not try to stop his contact with her

She's dead now, and the last two years have been utter bliss!!

As Oscar Wilde said 'Some people spread happiness wherever they go; others whenever they leave'.

Your time will come. xx

All your husband's life he has been told that your MIL's needs are the ones that count. All through his formative years this would have made a lasting impression on him so it is unlikely he will change his mind now that this is the way to act. Trying to make him be any different will only lead to resentment especially when she is no longer with you as he is likely to feel guilty. I think it is difficult to accept someone else's selfishness as we get older as we can see it eating into out finite lifetime so we start to be more resentful. Either that or we have less things to occupy us so we notice it more. I don't know what you can do about your MIL but I would certainly want to find a neutral place to quietly discuss my husband's aggression towards me if it was safe to do so.

Your MIL could live to be a hundred or more, you and DH are wasting your lives. You need to sort things out.

I would talk to him and try to find out what is behind the aggression - does he need help with MIL and blames you for not helping him? Is it something MIL has said - maybe made up something about you to turn him against you. It is very important that you find out.
Once that is sorted, do what you have to do to have a reasonably happy life together. Try and make time for the 2 of you if you don't already. Look at care alternatives. The time will come when she may need residential care. Possibly MIL is aware of this and is frightened at the prospect - she may have cried on your DH shoulder that if only he had a good wife she could move in with you both! A bully is usually a coward inside.
And when the end does come, if there is anything to leave in her will, , don't expect her to leave it to your DH - she will probably leave it all to other son.

PS. You could also try to persuade your children to visit - maybe once a month, if only for half an hour. And encourage them beforehand, to stand up to her. At the first sign of any nastiness and backbiting, they should say firmly, that if she is going to sit there and cticise them/you/their siblings etc, they will not stay. If she still has her wits about her, she will soon see that if she wants their company she will have to change her attitude. She might just surprise you and do that.