Mother in Law

Eloethan.... you assume quite wrongly.
Annamarie has said that she welcomed any thoughts.
You have said ‘more or less’ the same think as me. MiL is 95 so won’t be around for much longer. The poor man has clearly had enough and it’s all become too much for him and he’s stressed and taking his frustration out on Annamarie. Maybe as a family they should all share and take it in turns looking after this very old lady. Sounds as if DH desperately needs a break, very difficult!.

After 44 years this will be very difficult to change her. Even though she is mean to you I would try and do something different to make things a bit easier for your husband who is probably getting quite weary of her demands. If she lives at home alone some of it may be down to loneliness. Has the other son who never sees her had a rift with her or just sees how hard it is for his brother and decided to keep away? Could you as a favour to your husband go with him sometimes, showing him a bit of moral support. You could keep your visits reasonably short together and perhaps even surprise her by jointly going to visit her without prior warning once or twice. I also think she probably is unaware of how stressful life can be for others and is wrapped up in herself. A different approach could make all the difference.

I loathed my late MIL and she hated me from day one.
I too was young as I met my other half in our first year of university. I tried really hard to please her, but bottom line was we had different values! she believed that women should stay home and keep house and look after children whereas I came from a family of university educated women and one of those a suffragette! You can imagine that I had NO intention of staying home and not pursuing my career. and to be fair husband had modern ideas and supported me all the way. When the children came along she constantly criticised and under mined me even to the extent of calling my own mother to express her disapproval?
In the end I told DH that he was welcome to take the girls to see her or visit himself but I would not be of the party. Much better for both of us.
In the end even the daughters stopped seeing her as she used to go on to them about what an awful mother they had etc and they refused to go as it upset them?
I would recommend a good distance from her for your own mental health and remember she is her own worse enemy

I had the same problem with my MIL for some reason she never liked me who knows why. We didn't have anything in common at all but I tried. The awful thing was my husband never told her how cruel she was to me and the children. My SIL children always came first, they got all the love and attention our children got nothing. They never once took the children out anywhere or asked them to stay over. My daughter once asked me why does grandma not ask us to stay my friends are always invited to their grandmas.
When my mother died I was amazed that she offered to have the children when we went to the funeral. The day before the funeral I rang up to organise bringing the children over and her reply was "Oh I can't I'm taking my other grandchildren to the circus", sorry must go I'm busy and put the phone down.
She lived to be 92 years old it's only now my husband realised what a nasty person she was.

My heart goes out to you annamariel. Thank Goodness for your children who understand and can help take the edge off the situation.
The saddest situation re: a Mother/Mother-in-Law that I have ever come across involved a really lovely late middle aged couple and the Husband's Mother.
The Mother moved in with the couple when they married. Being the nice couple that they were, they accepted this.
However, when I met them many, many years later, their marriage was close to being on the rocks because of the Mother, who basically resented the marriage because she felt that her son should have stayed with her.
The saddest thing of all though was that they never had any children because the Mother did NOT want them around.
I met the Mother too, and found her completely and utterly selfish. To use a phrase that my own Mum used to use, she was a nasty piece of work.
What I am trying to say to you anna is if by some chance the MIL decides ( or has been thinking along those lines ) that because of her old age she now needs to be looked after, do not let MIL move in with you, things will only get worse, and your marriage could very well suffer, more than it is now. I hope that you can get this sorted.

Eloethan I had a FIL who didn't like me ,who left a room when I entered ,who would say black was white just to prove me wrong,who hated my religion( I married in his sons church to appease him) who disagreed with my politics ,who took my child to OO parades to annoy me,simple because he know I disagreed with the Orange Order ..for years .I didn't cut him off ,I didn't argue with him I did my level best to be the grown up in our relationship.A couple of years before he died he said I was the best thing to ever happen to his son...that he couldn't have chosen a better wife for him ,himself .So yes I have had a difficult in law relationship ..BUT He was always my OH's dad and as such I did my best ..for my husbands sake and for our children.You can get down to the base level of your tormentor or you can be the better person.

She's an old lady - don't let her get to you.
I've noticed some people get grumpy in old age - however annoying I would never snap back or fall out with them. If you do take negative action and she passes away you will feel guilty. Do your best and bite your tongue.

"It's not the one who inflicts the most but endures the most who triumphs in the end". Who said that?

So sorry annamariel , what a common problem this seems to be, caring for the very old is exhausting without any other problems. First of all you must talk this all over with your husband, he sounds at the end of his tether like you. You need a plan, does MIL really need a lot of care now, should home helps and other assistance come into play? so that you/he don't need to go in every day. I am guessing you are both getting on yourselves. Not sure its worth calling her bluff or having it out with her at 95, you need to try and downgrade the stress not make it worse.

there are so many threads on here about mothers whose families have distanced themselves from them ..with no explanation.These mothers are quite rightly hurt ...maybe this MIL doesn't think SHE is in the wrong.Would the OP want her family to desert her when she's old ...without a good reason? Is "she's never liked me" a reason to stop your OH from seeing his elderly mother ,if so then you'd better be sure your DIL's or SIL's never have reason to say the same and cut YOUR children off from you.

Annemarie if you ve ‘put up’ with her for 44years why on earth do you think things would change now At 95 she’s near her end she’s probably lonely and cantankerous if I was you I would ask your husband what would help him to deal with her and then just bite the bullet and give what help he feels he needs it might bring you closer to him if you’re involved too or if you can get some outside help that might ease the situation but I think you should have set you’re boundaries up 40 odd years ago

I agree with every word that
ALLSORTSOFBAGS has said...she has put into words what I have been thinking.

What on earth makes these unpleasant MILs think that they can behave ìn nasty aggressive ways towards their son's choice of a life partner.

I can only imagine it's something to do with their subconscience "sexual desires" towards their male offspring.

Hope I'm not offending anyone by saying that.....but Froud would maybe
be looking at the situation like that.
(Sorry if the spelling is wrong)

Nearly 20 years ago when my (now) husband and were first going out, he took my MIL and myself out for dinner. During the meal she fixed me with a look and asked 'How do you cope with your weight problem?'. I thought of a rude retort but then thought it wasn't fair to him so was polite. He wiped the floor with her the next day and wanted to know why she was so rude. Her response was that it was the language and she hadn't realised she was being rude. She is/was Spanish but has been in England since she was 18 so that was a poor excuse! I have never forgotten her rudeness and it has only been during the last year when I have been of help to her after she was diagnosed with cancer just after last Christmas, that she has warmed to me a little. She died at the end of October

Be kind to yourself.
The only reason your mother in law doesn't like you is because you married her son, and threatened her influence over him. Nothing you did, or do now, will make any difference. She is driven by a strong survival instinct, and an iron determination to have her own way. She is exactly the same as my grandmother, (94) my friend's mother in law,(89) and another friend's mother, now over 100, who has consistently and selfishly thwarted their plans for the past twenty years. They can't even go away for a brief holiday, as she takes an overdose if they leave her.
You shouldn't put up with your husband's aggressive behaviour, whatever strain he is under. Perhaps your adult children could help here, with a little visiting, however much they justifiably dislike her. Try and discuss plans for support from carers or residential care, but be prepared for strong opposition; you can do nothing without her consent.
It is Not Your Fault. Do Not feel guilty.