Adult children

Starlady, thank you for your kind response. My son seems to be oblivious to his wifes lack of interest despite him being the most intuitive of my sons.
I had a lovely morning with my delightful step family and saw my local son briefly after work so I know Im luckier than alot of grans on this thread.
Yes you are probably right about people coping differently with loss of mums at a young age.

It's possible the dil saying hi from offscreen was because ds decided to take the opportunity to do the video chat while he waited for dil to finish making dinner so she didnt have much choice other than to say a brief hi.

What? Have you read my posts?! Anyway she doesnt cook! My son is chef of the house and was multitasking. 12 years of not bothering with more than a passing hi or calling from another room has shown me shes just not interested.

Lynnieg & Bella2 So it's not just estrangement that finds us without our loved AC then. The empty nest syndrome hits us all, I look back on the wonderful Christmases, with all the family together, I loved cooking the Xmas dinner. Also the Christmas mornings, with the excitement of the children not quite the same with just me and my little dog

I must say that I did have a lovely Christmas day, with my niceD, GD, s.i.l & his mother. It's down to me next year, it's been so long since I hosted Xmas dinner, must be 5yrs, before that it was always me, for about 30yrs, that hosted the Xmas & Sunday dinners, all were welcome, the more the merrier

The funny thing is my next door neighbor (in his mid 90s) family are absolutely amazing making sure he's included in all family get togethers and visiting or taking him out at least 3 times a week, and he sometimes has a little moan to me that he wanted to sit by himself in peace and watch TV instead :D Though I am sure he appreciates it really

How funny IngeJones if he only new about our heart-breaking family dynamics!

My 95yr old neighbour over the road, always has family visiting, doing her garden, taking her out, get-togethers at hers, I think how lucky she is to be so cared for by her family.

Bella2?That's so unkind and thoughtless!

I am estranged from daughter so sad but my son is wonderful and his partner has made us Xmas lunch for last 6 years we really don't expect it each year especially when her mum is over from s Africa this year, but ds insisted and it was so good to feel loved and wanted,

I think your children are incredibly selfish sorry if I am Being rude.
Is it 3 sons sorry I have forgotten ?

Sorry can see you have daughter too, I am at loss to understand how they could be so unkind,

Celebgran, so sorry that you are estranged from your daughter. But your son and his partner sound so wonderful and caring. It is heartwarming to read. How lovely that your son insisted and included you as well as his partners mother. Im so glad he made you feel special and loved. We never get invited to ac houses, and none of them have ever cooked a meal for us. It just doesn't enter their heads! I agree that they are selfish, but understand that they do have their own lives, its just that they don't ever think to ask us round or even ask how we are. One ac has now asked if we are cooking a late Christmas roast dinner at the weekend, for them? I am at a loss at to how to respond. I also know If I say yes then they, if they do turn up, will be late. We are not ' fixed ' stubbornly on a time for a meal, but know from past experience that their meal time is anytime and have turned up when we have finished eating, as we couldn't wait any longer and had delayed the meal as much as we could. This was months ago, since then even these 'meal' visits have tailed off.

I don't speak from experience, but find myself getting cross about such bad behaviour from ones children. I think I would just be less 'available'. And leave my money to the grandchildren!

Bella, I understand this situation too well! I have found that the only thing that works with estranged grandkids is genuinely sharing their interest whatever that is. In fact their interests might bore you quite a lot. However it's might be possible that you can share some interest and at a comparable level of knowledge, experience , or skill. only you can know what the interest might be. E.g. politics, academia, sport, arts, work, music, and so on

PS for "estranged grandkids" pls read also "estranged sons or daughters".

PPS They probably respect us okay, as parents or grandparents. Our status as interesting companions might have gone down the plughole.

Alexa can you tell me how to navigate to estranged sons and daughters. I have searched it and nothing comes up. Many thanks

Lol Poly580 :D

Alexa, I understand what you are saying, and I do ask questions and try to be involved in subjects that don't interest me, both with AC and Gc. However, with the Ac they just aren't interested and never ask about what we are interested in. One-sided, it just feels lonely at times. I know none of us will share interests completely and it is another aspect of life we have to navigate - if we don't share interests then what??!! Do we just end up talking rubbish to one another till the visit is over......

We have been let down again over a visit from AC, that was arranged, so are trying to make plans for us and new things to do and experience. I want to move, but DH isn't sure.

I did not mean to sound as confident as perhaps I did sound. My relationships with all my adult grand children are nil. Not even Christmas cards or thanks for presents. If I visit it's obvious that when they descend from upstairs to say hello they have been requested by my son to do so. I think it might be a form of ageism on their parts as I honestly don't think I am a boring person. Perhaps it's because I am not good at small talk. I don't know what it is. Sometimes there is a brief exchange on Facebook when there is a common interest. I am genuinely interested in what they do, and feel about things. When I said earlier that I have found that sharing an interest is the only thing I mean it although I have not made much progress I am sorry to say. I don't have the energy to actually do activities with them even if I wanted to which I don't. I try to accept what is.

Try this Polly

relationships/1240156-Support-for-Grans-cut-out-of-AC-GC-lives?

www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1240156-Support-for-Grans-cut-out-of-AC-GC-lives?msgid=26527133

Bella 2 thanks you imdo realise we very lucky with our son and once we're with our daughter longmgone now.
Polly hope you find support group we try keep positive and just share our news not all doom and gloom but also try help each other in same boat?

Bella, I hate to say it, but, imo, you really need to stop making plans with your ac. You're only setting yourself up for disappointment. If they ask to come over on any particular date, just say you have plans (you won't be lying - "plans" can even be to watch dvds all day with dh). You don't owe these entitled brats an explanation.

Hope you and dh plan a trip next year that covers both Xmas and New Years. And, of course, you won't be available before or after because you have to pack, unpack, recuperate, catch up with friends or whathaveyou.

Also, imo, it's time to "retire" from cooking for anyone but you and dh. Let your ac know those days are over. If they want to visit you for a meal, it will have to be at a restaurant. Maybe you'll even say that you'll be splitting the bill. Maybe then they won't agree to come, but there won't be any cancellations.

Yeah I am lucky because even though I only see my daughter once a month (probably less once her little one starts school) at least she's reliable. The son I have spent all the years I am willing to trying to get on with and I'm done now unless he initiates some sort of reunion.

Bella, I understand how you feel. The bottom line is to look after yourself, and your husband if he is still with you. I know that you accept that you can't control grown up sons with adult partners. However I do recommend keeping in touch with children and their partners in a friendly sort of semi-detached manner even while they fail to reciprocate or even deign to reply. Later on you may need some help from them which they might be able to (or feel able to) provide. I really don't think that it would help to act from injured pride as the young usually have the power.

Some adult children's partners are generous by nature, and some are selfish, ignorant, or insecure.

PS I think Starlady gave good advice. The thing is when they do turn up to provide tea, coffee, coca cola , sherry or so on and fast food such as pizzas , biscuits and cheese, buttered toast, or omelettes i.e. just stuff you have in the house anyway, and never to make any elaborate plans whatsoever for feeding them or entertaining them.

Yes, just offering drinks and easy to cook or snacky food is good advice. And making plans for myself and dh is the way to go forward, and not change these plans if ac want to visit, even at the risk of not seeing them or they take offence. I don't do new year resolutions, but I think this year is the exception - putting us first and not ac, as they are not our responsibility now. If they can't/ won't keep in touch or visit then a semi detached approach is a good way to think about our relationship with them all.